How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

"I’m working from home, during my working hours I work, its what I’m paid to do, I’m not paid to play with my dog, play with my son, or do anything else."

I think it's probably illegal if you're not allowed breaks, at least a lunch break.

I am scheduled to work 9-5 but I work much more than that.
Op just ask him to take the baby for 30 minutes every lunchtime so you can have a shower or a break

"so what? If he's still paid to do the same job, he's expected to do the same hours."

He's not expected to work his commuting time is he? That was the point people were making.

I am scheduled to work 9-5 but I work much more than that

Why? Unless you own the company, in which case it's understandable

@flaviaritt

You wouldn’t see him from 8-6 if he was in the office, so why do you think he should be doing stuff with you during the working day now?

Because you can bet that from 8-6 when he’s in the office he is able to take a lunch break, get a coffee, have a quick chat with a colleague etc. And if he was commuting from 7.30-8.30 and 5-6, he isn’t now. So why should he do two extra hours a day?

This Fact is he isn't commuting I don't believe he doesn't talk or take a break in the office OP is only asking for 20 minutes Not unreasonable at all OP and like others have said I think it suits him to do it

My dh part wfh and he starts 7/7:30 finishes 6-7 pm at night , rarely has a lunch break and will sometimes do a couple hrs on a sat

This really is a road to bad health. & partner taking on the load of dealing with the mental and physical burnout. It's no way to live.

It's frightening how work work work seems to be becoming an acceptable norm, and family/social/hobbies time goes by the wayside - Even looked down upon.

Rise Of The Automaton.

@AuntPeggy

It's very common feedback to hear from colleagues how WFH has improved work life balance and how commuting time etc is being used to exercise/for family/chores etc. Some of the replies on here could be from the dark ages 'You Must Help the Man & Respect The Mysterious Important Work That Cannot Be Disturbed'

Exactly. Well said.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. Presumably he needs to eat lunch at some point and I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him to eat it with you on occasion. My DH has been working from home in a senior role but always has a bit of time to spend with me during the day and will interact with our 12 month old for 5 minutes or so when he pops into the house for a toilet break or snack.

Are you sure he is spending all these hours working or is there a possibility he is hiding away on his computer playing games or doing other activities?

I think you're right OP. He should start work at the time he's contracted to start work, take the lunch time he's supposed to take, and finish on time most days at the time he's supposed to.

He's being thoughtless towards you not at least offering/saying hi more at lunch and finishing on time.

@JKDcot How is your marriage apart from this?

I don't understand these overtime references, I don't know anyone that receives 'overtime' income for salaried positions, you just have to get the work done. My DH often works until 7/8 at home but he doesn't start until 8.30ish. I work in Data Protection,/compliance and there is only one of me so I just need to get the work done when times call for it, I will sometimes work from 6.30 so that I able to finish before school pick up. Sometimes, I pick up my youngest and get back on the laptop and start work again. The type of job I have does call for that approach so I can see why your husband may take this stand. That said, I do think my DH would want to spend a bit of his lunchtime with his young baby if this was us.

There are people who can take lunch breaks and finish dead on 5. Good for them. Lots of us have careers which mean we are expected to work outside our paid hours, whilst it would be lovely to enforce a set lunch break and clock off at 5, professionally we are not in that position. In most cases I suspect it is because our roles require it rather than an evil overlord boss making note of those that clock watch, things have to be finished or take place outside these hours. 9-5 is an out dated concept. Lots of people are having to work from home now and it is complicated because it blurs the boundaries of work and home. However, the hours we are contracted and paid to be in work remain the hours we have 'sold' to our employers. Some are very good and will encourage break times and understand working from home may mean distractions as a parent - particularly if a lone parent or 2 adults working.

There are also adult parents who discuss sharing the load, whether in lockdown or not. My experience is that is the majority of parents in my circle for this mould. But mumsnet does seem to have a large number of posters who are martyrs- my mother was one and I have been very conscious of this as it was my model and I could fall into it with late DH. These are obviously the ones who like to post about pathetic DH. In most cases some communication would fix this.

YANBU

I had the same when my first one was a baby. DP used to use the WFH home excuse to put in long hours which I always suspected included a fair bit of downtime (and expected me to clear up his lunch/coffee mess). He didn’t lift a finger to help with baby/ housework in his ‘work hours’.

I ended up going back to work early and getting full time nursery position for DC. I did all drop off and pick ups as he was busy ‘WFH’ so he didn’t want to leave the house.

I found it easier when DP was required to go back to the office and he had to commute an hour each way. This was when I had DC2 and I felt less ‘alone’ than when he was in the same house but choosing not to engage with us (I’m certain he watched a lot of movies and surfed the web a fair bit while he WFH).

When he went back to the office he was suddenly ‘home’ (and engaging with me/DCs) a lot earlier in the evening despite the commute.

Years later he apologised for being such a dick when DC1 was a baby. By then I had left him .....

To explain to those who can't understand the 'free' hours the husband is working - He works in a corporate environment and working extra hours for no additional pay is the absolute norm. That is why these roles have higher salaries than a job in which someone checks out everyday at an exact time no matter what.

To the OP - I am afraid that right now in the corporate environment it is VERY competitive as we are not in normal times and no one wants to lose their jobs because who knows of you'll find another one easily. Especially so for contractors. Everyone has upped their game at work and so if I were you I would leave him to get on with it. He could maybe have a 20min lunch break with you?

I am working from home right now. I never have a lunch break - I just eat and work again, I work many free hours, I am aware that the environment has changed and have had to really make myself useful. I also have parental responsibilities and a household to run.

I think my summary is that you need to be a bit less naive about the situation currently and just get on with things.

OP, how senior is his job?

Plus, for some people, work is a Labour of love they like doing it, my DH is an Architect and it is almost like his hobbie. My DD will sit with him and draw, my teenager often doe not want or need us as much now so it is not taking over the family.

I’m completely thrown by the number of people on this site who claim to earn 6 figure salaries and yet there’s a high volume of people on this thread that are questioning why anyone would work beyond their “contracted hours”

We are never lacking keen candidates, who understand that not everybody works 9 to 5
I pity your employees if you can’t connect this with the lack of progress women face in their career. You are being obtuse.

@Spinner12345

I’m completely thrown by the number of people on this site who claim to earn 6 figure salaries and yet there’s a high volume of people on this thread that are questioning why anyone would work beyond their “contracted hours”

Perhaps they are better at their jobs than you?

I and WFH and work similar or longer hours. It is the culture where I work and we have been busier than normal since COVID started. I often don't take a lunch break and have 37 days leave to take. I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

I can understand you are feeling lonely. Is he taking annual leave? If he reduces his hours and goes part time officially, he will obviously be paid a part time wage. Is this manageable for your budget?

I lioved maternity leave. I don't get cabin fever and would be happy nesting. It's hard during lockdown.

Like others have said, what would you do if he worked away all day? Presumably, he is home more than he was previously now that he doesn’t have to commute, so you are winning there. Equally what would you do, if he worked fewer hours, would your expectation continue to grow?

If he's pulling his weight when not in work then I think he's doing ok.

@sst1234

Like others have said, what would you do if he worked away all day? Presumably, he is home more than he was previously now that he doesn’t have to commute, so you are winning there. Equally what would you do, if he worked fewer hours, would your expectation continue to grow?

But HE ISNT AWAY ALL DAY.....FFS how hard is this to grasp?!

No one would have a problem with 8 til 5 plus commute but he ISNT COMMUTING! So why is it ok that he is squirrelling himself away for up to 15 hours a day, conveniently away from the drudge of parenting and housework, when he wouldnt be doing that if he was in the office?

I am never surprised at how many men suddently have to work longer hours when the novelty of the first kid has worn off.

OP, I suggest you google how to track internet usage via your router to see just how many movies are being watched during his "working day".

But he is in the house yet still expected to or choosing to use the time for work.

Maybe he has a good reason to do so. You say you're proud of him, but say his job isn't important.

Every job is important, or there wouldn't be a need for it.

I can’t even with this thread.

I feel like...is it made up of people who have never worked in the real world?!

I’m a solicitor in a large firm. If I down tools at 5pm and work to my contracted hours, I don’t finish the work and I don’t meet the deadlines, we ultimately lose clients. It’s not simply presenteeism. I could kiss goodbye to any chance of promotion and would be lucky to avoid performance management. My workload is such that it can’t be done in a standard 35/40 hour week. And yes ideally they would recruit more staff etc but show me a law firm where this isn’t the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not as simple as saying “he’s working 2.5 hours a day he’s not getting paid for”. Working in a professional salaried job is not the same as working in Tesco on an hourly rate. It would be lovely to work 9-5 but the simple facts are that that’s not going to get you very far. My salary is in the region of £60k. My core hours are 9-5 but the deal is that when the work dictates that I need to go above and beyond that, I will do.

I have two small children. My husband works in a similar job to me. We have no support from grandparents. We manage between us. It’s not easy but we do.

I get that it’s hard on mat leave. I really do. But if he needs to work, what else is he meant to do? It’s simply not as easy as not doing it, regardless of the rights and wrongs of that scenario.

This is not uncommon. And to be honest 6.30pm isn’t bad at all.

OP, I suggest you google how to track internet usage via your router to see just how many movies are being watched during his "working day"

Clueless. Utterly clueless.