How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

And for those of you who are convinced your husband doesn't do family demand avoidance, compare how long he takes to do a shit versus how long it takes you.

I rest my case.

I can really relate to what you’re saying here...even though it wasn’t in lockdown my DH worked from home throughout most of my mat leave...from my perspective it was so hard knowing there was an extra pair of hands in the house and it caused a lot of friction when I asked him to hold the baby so I could have a wee by myself, make a cup of tea...breathe! All the things that it’s so hard to do but make us feel human for a moment! He ended up finding an office space to work from so he could focus on work. Now the shoe is on the other foot...I’m WFH due to the pandemic and my MIL is providing childcare in our home...it drives me crazy when she interrupts to ask questions or for help looking for LOs wellies etc! I’ve ended up booking myself an office space on days she comes.

I can totally see it from both sides. Mat leave can be intense and lonely even when we’re not in the midst of a global crisis! At the same time, if your husband is doing his bit to share the load outside of work times, and this is typical of his pre-baby working pattern then I think it’s reasonable of him to continue as he is. IF you suspect he’s hiding in the room watching You Tube to avoid having to help out then that’s a different story!

You said that your “mat leave is basically sitting around the house.” So why do you need extra help?
Your husband is working flat out. Maybe he’s doing over and above to avoid being made redundant? Maybe he’s putting the hours in to qualify for a bonus?

My son does this and it's basically to keep out the way of dealing with the baby. He could easily spend some more time with you if he wanted to?? What's he like at wkend?

@Lucyk1

I get up at 6.30, rush around and get ready, get my 5 year old kid ready and leave the house at 7.45am...schook starts at 8am! We don't have these lovely breakfasts tour dreaming about as a family 😂😂. I head straight to work to start at 8.30am and we don't even see my partner... He gets up at 9am, leaves at 9.45...off to work... I rush home at 2.30pm for the school pick up at 3pm and he comes home at 8.30pm. My kid is already in bed by then. Thank yourself lucky! You've only got 1 baby though... And he's only 5 months old. You need to learn to get on with it. When I stayed home, all our family are 400miles away, we moved to a new area and I new nobody, no friends, no workmates, nothing. That's lonely. But it's too much to expect your husband to pick up the pieces when he's been working all day.

So you are effectively a single parent?

(I was a single parent. I recognise this.)

If that works for you, then all power to you, but just because you have a partner who doesn't do any parenting doesn't mean other women should put up with that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My DH is working from home and although we don't have young children I talked to him about the long hours and his complete focus at work. Talk to him. Just sitting down to lunch with his family would probably make a difference. I made a point with my husband that when he was in the office he found time to chat with colleagues, go for a coffee together, etc. He can find time to spend with you and the baby if he chooses to.

I’m sorry to read you feel like this and your baby is really young so you should both be enjoying these days together.

I understand the alone feeling even with people around so you might need to talk to someone. I’d broach the subject of your partner spending time with you or/and the baby but without guilt. Explain how it makes you feel and see what happens...all the best!

Avoid the phrases “you never” and “you always”

1. Make time to talk- our relationship was built on spending time together.
2. Do say how you feel statements rather than pointing the finger
3. Pick up a mirror not a magnifying glass; think about what you're also guilty of.

@Clymene

And for those of you who are convinced your husband doesn't do family demand avoidance, compare how long he takes to do a shit versus how long it takes you.

I rest my case.

Amen.

This isn’t right at all.

There are a few possibilities - he’s worried about redundancy and works in a toxic culture where those hours are expected, he’s being paid overtime the family needs to make ends meet, or he’s not managing his workload properly.

OR as the OP hasn’t mentioned anything about any of those possibilities the more likely scenario is that he’s prioritising work over family. This isn’t right. Unless they have an agreement between them that he’ll work those extra hours, then he’s failing in his parental duties because outside of 9-5 he’s equally responsible for the baby, and should be picking up some of the slack to help his wife sleep or just doing his fair share around the house.

OP my partner works from home. It’s great. The lack of commute means either he or I get to go for a walk/run before he starts at 9. Throughout the day he stops for breaks away from his screen as everyone should. 10 mins here and there coming out of his office to change a nappy or play for a few minutes makes the world of difference to our son. He generally takes a lunch break during my toddlers nap time, but if he’s awake then we’ll hang out all together for at least a little of the time. He finishes at 6 and we all eat together, then he does bedtime. This is because he’s choosing to spend his break times with us. Why would he not? It’s bloody weird to actively choose to spend time sending emails to colleagues over playing with your son or talking to your wife. He needs to sort his shit out. You are NOT being unreasonable.

And btw my partner works hard and I make sure that the toddler doesn’t disturb him if he needs to concentrate - he’s performing well at his job and does the full hours he’d be doing in the office. But if your husband maintains he never has 10 mins to take a tea break in a 10 hour day he’s lying.

Everyone I know work way and above their contracted hours. Maybe this is what he feels he needs to do in order to provide for his family? Maybe he feels stressed about being the sole breadwinner in a looming recession? Having a young baby is really hard and I can only imagine what mar leave during lockdown is like. I feel for you. But you are not really in a place demanding he works less. Unless you have an alternative way to support the family financially!

@PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma you gave your job up 20 years ago. Most people, myself included, do not have the option.

I am in the same position as you DH and as the major wage for my family, cannot reduce my hours or stop working beyond 37 hours.

People are worried about having jobs at all after COVID. this is an extremely precarious time for people

I am working the hours I tell my OH I am, I am not slacking off wfh and don't in the office.

Does he take the baby alone at weekends to give you a break and get to know his son?
The answer will tell you all you need to know.

[quote WineNotTheLabel]@PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma you gave your job up 20 years ago. Most people, myself included, do not have the option.

I am in the same position as you DH and as the major wage for my family, cannot reduce my hours or stop working beyond 37 hours.

People are worried about having jobs at all after COVID. this is an extremely precarious time for people

I am working the hours I tell my OH I am, I am not slacking off wfh and don't in the office.[/quote]
Oh goodness, please don't pick on me. I said the OP had to realise that some jobs (and I include my former job in this) mean that you have to work far longer hours than 9-5, and that there will always be someone who is willing and able to work longer, if you say you can't.

FWIW, I now wish I hadn't given up my job when I had children, as I wouldn't have just about got my act together after I left my husband when he abused our children, and I took a job for which I was monstrously over-qualified, which kept us just about afloat (for which I was very proud), and which I lost as a result of lockdown.

You seem to think I'm saying something that I'm not saying at all.

@Lucyk1 childcare is work...unpaid work at that! They’ve both been working hard all day. Being a parent after work isn’t ‘picking up the pieces’ outside of working hours both parents are equally responsible for running the household and parenting

It's a 5 month old baby, and you call this work🤦‍♀️. Wait till she has to juggle full time work and a baby and school and food shopping and every other task. He's doing his bit by bringing money in and putting a roof over their head... The least she could do was let him get on with it and stop expecting him to look after the baby during the day and help out.

@Lucyk1

It's a 5 month old baby, and you call this work🤦‍♀️. Wait till she has to juggle full time work and a baby and school and food shopping and every other task. He's doing his bit by bringing money in and putting a roof over their head... The least she could do was let him get on with it and stop expecting him to look after the baby during the day and help out.

I think we’ve found the husband 👆🏻🤣

@Lucyk1
“I get up at 6.30, rush around and get ready, get my 5 year old kid ready and leave the house at 7.45am”

Why does your partner not get up until 9am?

I am a single parent so have no choice but to be the one to get my DC up and ready but surely if you have a partner you both get up and get them ready or take it in turns.

@Lucyk1... I work and have a child. I find my daily life far easier than I found mat leave. If a 1950s style marriage and gender roles work for you then go with it. I’m ‘lucky’...ewwww...awful that it’s considered lucky...that I have a husband who takes an equal share in parenting and house work. (Not so much with the mental load but that’s a WIP) You’re basically saying ‘I’m putting up with a shit situation and so should you’

Umm @Lucyk1 come have a chat with the vipers - rather than tell the OP to suck it up - I think it might be time for you to maybe have a chat with your Very Important Husband with The Work that you are also doing The Work and also the oh so often overlooked, underpaid and yet so frickin useful running the home (sorry, no capitals because it's not that important if it's not The Work). It's called invisible work because someone (you, in this case) just does it and nobody cares (your husband in this case) - until it's not done that is and it's noticed Very Much. Just saying

@Dinosaur19 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

I'd hardly say I had a 1950s style marriage. My husband is a university lecturer and I am a teacher. But he certainly does far more hours at work than I do, which is why I pick up the rest of the duties like making dinner, food shopping etc because he isn't home until after 8pm. Our routine works for us.

This lady is expecting her partner to drop his work to look after the baby or hang out with them. He's not being paid to do this or spend time with them, he's working.

As for the lady asking why my husband doesn't get up until 9am. Because he doesn't need to. He doesn't start work until 11am. He often works until 9pm or 10pm. We both have our own interests. If he got up early and went for a run or a swim, should I moan at him for having a life? I'm. Not the one unhappy. As I said, our lifestyle works.

If he could take lunch breaks with you, or finish at 5pm and go for a walk - then I think I would feel the same. It doesn't matter if he couldn't do that in the office. If he was in the office, this pandemic wouldn't be happening and you would be going to baby groups etc. Mat leave is tough when you can only see one person outside in the rain, I think he could try and see you a bit more.

As for the lady asking why my husband doesn't get up until 9am. Because he doesn't need to. He doesn't start work until 11am.

That would be fair enough but you said he gets home once his DC is already in bed so most people would want to get up to see their DCs off and then go to the gym or back to bed or whatever.
My friend works nights so he stays awake to have breakfast with his DCs and then goes to bed.

I agree with the OPs partner that work is work and he shouldn’t be disturbed during his working hours but when those hours are over he needs to spend time with the DCs else it’s not fair on them.

@Lucyk1 if it works for you that’s great...doesn’t sound like your OH would be able to pick your child out in a line up if he wakes up after the school run and comes home after bedtime but that’s none of my business. Still struggling to understand why the fact you’re willing to put up with your situation means you think the OP should suck it up? Not saying I 100% agree with the OP (explained why in my reply further up the thread)

I sympathize. I used to feel this when I was on mat leave. It was only years later we talked about it and he told me about his urge to “provide” for us and how that was really important (it really wasn’t to me as I had good job and wanted his time and presence more than anything .) I would just suggest talking about it honestly and without resentment and with as much generosity and gratitude as poss. It’s so hard. And worse in lockdown of course.