How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

Haven’t rtft but saying his role “isn’t important” is bloody rude and disrespectful.
My dh is also working from home and has been since March and he works his arse off from 7am- to 6pm and is still working up stairs with us till around 8pm.
I have always worked from home but he’s under a shit ton of stress at the moment and whereas we both do our fair share of housework, helping dd etc.. I feel as I have less pressing work I’m happy to pick up the slack.
Wfh sucks and it’s no where near as productive which is why longer hours are needed .
You sound like you want attention more than anything if I’m honest

Any excuse for a thread full of sour comments by Harry and Meghan haters - & the reason for Meghan hate is no secret, is it? Many can't stand that she's not White, she's not an English Rose, and they dig at her, and at Harry for marrying her. They hired a photographer it's no big deal, royals do it. But for some 'unknown reason' (not) it's a problem when they do it.

They moved out of UK and got away from vipers (especially the oddbod type who act is if they know and speak to them personally) who think they're hiding their racism towards these 2. People who thought they'd stay here and put up with vitriolic, fabricated bullshit but found that actually no, they wouldn't, are just gnashing their teeth.

Going by the new boring fuss over this now, it's a reminder that they made the best move for themselves and their child.

@DeeCeeCherry

Any excuse for a thread full of sour comments by Harry and Meghan haters - & the reason for Meghan hate is no secret, is it? Many can't stand that she's not White, she's not an English Rose, and they dig at her, and at Harry for marrying her. They hired a photographer it's no big deal, royals do it. But for some 'unknown reason' (not) it's a problem when they do it.

They moved out of UK and got away from vipers (especially the oddbod type who act is if they know and speak to them personally) who think they're hiding their racism towards these 2. People who thought they'd stay here and put up with vitriolic, fabricated bullshit but found that actually no, they wouldn't, are just gnashing their teeth.

Going by the new boring fuss over this now, it's a reminder that they made the best move for themselves and their child.

Wrong thread? Maybe get shifted

@Fluffybutter

Haven’t rtft but saying his role “isn’t important” is bloody rude and disrespectful. My dh is also working from home and has been since March and he works his arse off from 7am- to 6pm and is still working up stairs with us till around 8pm. I have always worked from home but he’s under a shit ton of stress at the moment and whereas we both do our fair share of housework, helping dd etc.. I feel as I have less pressing work I’m happy to pick up the slack. Wfh sucks and it’s no where near as productive which is why longer hours are needed . You sound like you want attention more than anything if I’m honest

I'm delighted to say that my team has smashed all our productivity records since WFH.

It's funny isn't it how men's jobs have to go on for hours and hours despite having children and yet women manage to have children, put them to bed and still do a decent day's work.

Nailed it @Clymene.

Woman WFH: Fulfil working role commitments, juggle chores, check in with family and responsibilities, work effectively - not only 'working hours' and clocking off 'on time' but getting job done as needed.
Man WFH: Must Close door AM, Reappear PM because of The Work.
Leaving aside those in specific professions am inclined to think that most of the posters who think you are BU also have partners that have sold them this line on The Work .

During his contracted hours, maybe 30mins extra either side - he should be asked to do anything in the home including lunch etc.

Outside of those hours he absolutely should be.

His work is either very demanding - so you should be more sympathetic.
Or he doesn’t want to spend much time with you/your DC - which I would rather he stayed away anyway.

*he shouldn’t

@SauvignonGrower

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious.

This is (fortunately) complete bunkum. I don't think I even know a man who doesn't love spending time with their babies. Who are all these cockwombles you know procreating then ignoring their progeny?

I get up at 6.30, rush around and get ready, get my 5 year old kid ready and leave the house at 7.45am...schook starts at 8am! We don't have these lovely breakfasts tour dreaming about as a family 😂😂. I head straight to work to start at 8.30am and we don't even see my partner... He gets up at 9am, leaves at 9.45...off to work... I rush home at 2.30pm for the school pick up at 3pm and he comes home at 8.30pm. My kid is already in bed by then. Thank yourself lucky!
You've only got 1 baby though... And he's only 5 months old. You need to learn to get on with it. When I stayed home, all our family are 400miles away, we moved to a new area and I new nobody, no friends, no workmates, nothing. That's lonely. But it's too much to expect your husband to pick up the pieces when he's been working all day.

No. Working from home is difficult. I thought from your title you were out at work. YABU. If you are bored, go for a walk. I know lockdown is boring but you can't expect someone working not to do their job.

SauvignonGrower

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious

This is (fortunately) complete bunkum. I don't think I even know a man who doesn't love spending time with their babies

Well it's not total bunkum is it.

I spent some years working in local authority alongside men who regularly did entirely unneccessary overtime. Our job didn't necessitate much overtime at all anyway.

Some even went off to the gym after that. Men who were fathers of babies/young children. If they'd wanted to be at home with their families then they would have gone home after work. Notably, women never hung around in the office after work.

Of course not all men are like this but a whole lot of them are, because it isn't the 1st or only time I've come across this in the workplace.

Regardless of the actual situation, which we can't know, if you started that conversation with me and you led with, "your work is average, unimportant and not rewarding and your employer doesn't give a shit about you", I would completely turn off the noise! You'd get precisely nowhere.
Don't say any of that!

@JKDcot he is working from home and that is where his priorities should be not on entertaining you.

You being lonely is not a reason to interfere in his job? His priorities are paying the bills not having extended lunch breaks and going on jolly walks?

YANBVU. I can't actually believe you've come out with this?

He works those hours because that is the demand and it's not up to you to decide whether his job is important, that's HIS decision. He may be in an average wage now but he clearly wants to progress; what will you do when that happens?

Lockdown isn't easy but this is the reality of being a mum: sometimes it's busy and stressful but sometimes it's downright boring.

Welcome to parenthood.

I WFH and pretty much work 8am-6pm with maybe 20 mins for lunch if I’m lucky and a couple of cups of tea, I’m a single parent but my kids can now walk themselves to school and back and get themselves a snack and do homework, so I might pop my head out but other than that I am working the same hours as when I was in the office. You seem quite self centred to expect more from him just because he is WFH, surely he would normally be out for these hours? Providing he isn’t ignoring you and the baby in evenings and weekends then I do think you are being unreasonable, my partner doesn’t live with me and will moan that is he comes over in work hours I don’t speak to him, however my argument is that he can’t rock up and sit in my office at work, which is essentially what he is trying to do.

when i was on mat leave, my husband was gone by 8am and back by 6:30pm so pretty similar to you
The issue is that you are housebound, try and get out for a good stroll with the baby, it'll do you both wonders

It sounds like you have different perspectives. He's probably thinking he's got a baby and wife to provide for and in these times of so much job insecurity he wants to go the extra mile to make sure he can provide for you all. I know being a new mum is really hard and you probably are feeling like you're doing all the work. Have a chat, but don't make it accusatory. Imagine how hard it would be without his income and understand maybe that's his way of showing he cares more than anything about his family. I'm not saying he shouldn't do more to help you, I'm just saying you'll probably get a better reaction if he thinks you understand where he's coming from. Good luck 😊

FGS! Get a blooming life! Go back to work! Put the kid in a nursery. There’s no reason why you can’t do things - you can still meet a friend for a walk - get a takeaway coffee etc. Your husband may be feeling that he’s got to work longer as he’s got to prove he’s doing extra & not slacking. Maybe he’s just conscientious as he may find some of his colleagues are slacking and he’s picking up their bit! Maybe he feels he has to work longer hours so he keeps his job to support you and the baby!
I wfh full time at the mo. My husband is not at work presently. He kindly brings me in a bacon sandwich about 1000 (I start at 0830) I walk the dog at lunchtime (without him) and then go back into my office (garage) for the rest of the afternoon. I might put a load of washing on/ unload the dishwasher when I make a cuppa but otherwise I work.
Maybe you need to look at why you want him involved in the day? If he’s ignoring you in the evenings that would be an issue but if he’s not... just get on with life!

@AuntPeggy

Nailed it *@Clymene*.

Woman WFH: Fulfil working role commitments, juggle chores, check in with family and responsibilities, work effectively - not only 'working hours' and clocking off 'on time' but getting job done as needed.
Man WFH: Must Close door AM, Reappear PM because of The Work.
Leaving aside those in specific professions am inclined to think that most of the posters who think you are BU also have partners that have sold them this line on The Work .

Never so succinctly and perfectly summed up my situation on Mumsnet. It's like a mirror has been held up in our home. Thank you @AuntPeggy how did you get so wise?

Sit him down and remind him that if he visits any graveyard, he won’t find a headstone saying “I wish I worked harder”. Tell him you’re worried about both his physical and mental health working such long hours without a break for food. Tell him how much you worry about him missing out on this precious and unrepeatable time with your baby. Is he frightened of the new responsibility for caring for you and his child on mainly his wages, which makes fatherhood more of a reality? Is he struggling at all with his new role? I know you’re lonely, for good reason, but this is a little strange behaviour from him as a 9-5pm man. He wouldn’t work on a commute (unlikely) so in effect he can slip into the spare room at 8.55 and out at 5pm perfectly legitimately. So why does he feel so driven? Is he sleeping ok? Men too can suffer a type of post natal depression too.
Depending on what he says, maybe see the GP. Otherwise negotiate that he has 30 minutes for lunch and remind him about studies that say workers who take lunch breaks are more not less productive. Discuss reducing his hours and the barriers to that. Make sure he has time to destress and exercise, as well as eating healthily to help him cope.
Lastly, look at online local groups you can join until they meet up in person again. Or learn something new. Make sure you go out for a walk every day regardless of the weather and don’t rely on your husband to accompany you. Yes it’s hard being a new mum and CV19 has made your maternity leave a bit pants. Adjusting is hard for everyone. But you’ll all survive if you pull together

@AuntPeggy

Nailed it *@Clymene*.

Woman WFH: Fulfil working role commitments, juggle chores, check in with family and responsibilities, work effectively - not only 'working hours' and clocking off 'on time' but getting job done as needed.
Man WFH: Must Close door AM, Reappear PM because of The Work.
Leaving aside those in specific professions am inclined to think that most of the posters who think you are BU also have partners that have sold them this line on The Work .

Yes I suspect those women who believe their husbands need to be at their computers 14 hours a day to do The Work have never been in an office where men hang around shuffling paper and chatting after hours, making jokes about missing bedtime and bath-time.

Many people are working erratic hours now to protect the jobs of furloughed employees. Businesses with drastically reduced orders have furloughed as many people as they can, in the hope that orders will pick up. I know people working long hours to protect colleagues’ incomes, and businesses swapping people in and out. It’s a fine line between this and defrauding the taxpayer - but could your husband be bearing an extra load because colleagues are out of play?

Otherwise I think you’re being both a bit unreasonable and perfectly reasonable. It’s understandable that you’re lonely but he is working and it isn’t his job to entertain you, even at lunch. Equally he’s being fairly selfish and blind to your needs - it mightn’t be his job to entertain you, but as your husband he should see your need and adjust his behaviour around his job. You just need to talk more, I reckon.

Hate to break it to you but like many men he’s avoiding the baby!!!!!!!!

I'm that woman too @SummerHouse 😂 fortunately I don't have a Man with The Important Work and actually most of my (mostly male) colleagues are pretty progressive, it's pretty normal for interruptions by children/cats/school runs now at all levels and vive la change!

My baby was a few weeks old when we went into lockdown and my DH was WFH, he was working in the kitchen and would often make me a cup of tea, hold baby while I went to the toilet and help on his lunch break. Yes if things were normal he wouldn't be there to help but equally if things were normal I would have been able to get out more and visit family. He has a lovely relationship with our DD now.

I really feel for you OP, this is a VERY lonely and isolating time for new mothers in particular. I have struggled a lot with it too, my baby is one now so I at least had some maternity leave in normal times. I agree with you that working 7.30am-6pm every day is not really fair on you or your baby and your partner is missing out. When people (my husband included) say, well he would be away working those hours in normal times - it’s not normal times though, that means that all the support networks aren’t there for you and really he needs to step in here.

There are studies that say longer working hours actually make you less productive, not more. Perhaps have a Google and find one of these to send to him! You could challenge him to one week where he works his 9-5 hours, takes a lunch break where he gets outside with you for some exercise and see whether he gets through less work, if any of his superiors notice and if the family dynamic improves. Could it be that he’s in ‘provider mode’ now you have a child and he’s worried about job security?

I definitely think you need to talk to him, good luck!