Am I the CF????

[Misskittyfantastico85]

I've just been accused by my MIL of being a CF (not in so many words)

Just as a bit of background, my in laws always live on the bread line, my MIL has never worked because she was always too busy raising children, they never used to have any spare cash and always used to buy secondhand where she could. Around five years ago, they inherited a large sum of money and it's been amazing watching them spend it. They were offered the chance to buy their council house and they could have bought it outright, but declined because then they would be left with no spare cash.

Myself and DH bought our house 15 years ago and PIL kept advising us against it in case something went wrong with the boiler or we needed a new kitchen or something.

Last year, my DH was diagnosed with cancer. He was always very very slim, but within the last few months due to all of the medications and a hernia, he has bloated and he has gone from a 32 waist to a 34 and now a 36. Hes never been fussed with clothes and has worn the same jeans and trousers for years. Today he mentioned that hes starting to feel uncomfortable and could do with some new trousers as he has none at all that fit him.

Someone in a local community Facebook group started a thread of 'what do you need that you cant afford' it was a long running thread where people were listing the things that they need and others within the community were offering these things if they were getting rid of. So I posted and asked if anyone was getting rid of some size 36 trousers.

Within a few minutes, MIL had obviously seen the post and phoned me to say she would buy him some trousers and that she couldnt believe I was scrounging from strangers on facebook. I explained that within a few weeks/months he may not need the bigger size as he will have come off the medication, but she said that I was being a CF asking for things that we could afford but dont want to. She said it's all about priorities. I was a bit put out that she said that because my priority is looking after DH and Dd and making sure we can afford the necessities. I understand clothing is essential, but new clothing isn't.

My DH agrees with me and was very grateful for 2 pairs of trousers from a neighbour.

So, am I being a CF for asking for something we need but cant afford, when we could actually afford it but choose to spend our money on essentials??

Not a CF at all. I’d rather they went to you than in the bin!

Ignore your MIL and for your DH.

No, YANBU. Just ignore them.

So, am I being a CF for asking for something we need but cant afford, when we could actually afford it but choose to spend our money on essentials??

Not sure. If you need it, it’s an essential, isn’t it? And if you have the money, I’m not sure why you needed to ask for it from someone else?

But this post doesn’t make your financial position obvious so I don’t know.

You can’t afford one pair of jeans, even a cheap primark pair, without scrounging off Facebook?

YANBU. If someone would get rid of them anyway you are just saving them from landfill. It's not like you started a gofundme!

Given the other things you have to worry about I'd have told her to piss off. People can be very funny abut keeping up appearances though.

Sounds fine to me...reusing part of the precious and finite resources this planet has is actually to be lauded.

She sounds bizarre. She did it for years, now all of a sudden its unacceptable? It's not like he's gonna need them for ages either hopefully, so why buy new? Ignore her.

To be fair, the thread was called "what do you need that you cant afford" and you could afford them.

I might have posted saying "I can actually afford these, but we may only need them for a couple of weeks, so if anyone could lend some..."
Otherwise I'd have felt bad having people think that I needed helping out because I didn't have the money, when I do.

You can’t afford one pair of jeans, even a cheap primark pair, without scrounging off Facebook?hmm

That’s what the planet is F#*ked

I give things away all the time - and I couldn’t care less if someone is getting for free what they could have afforded. Someone else’s bank account is of no interest to me.

for your DH. I hope he recovers soon.

It’s terrible to buy new all the time. If someone has trousers going in the right size, it’s great you are giving them a new home.
If you are feeling a bit guilty that they didn’t go to a charity shop make a small donation to a food bank, spread the joy.

Sorry for everything you're going through.
I think if someone has decent trousers they no longer need then its far better they are recycled and as you say hopefully 36 is a temporary size for your dh.
Regardless your mil could have been more tactful and just said that she would like to treat her dc to new trousers.
Best to ignore mil though.

It's not like you can go to a charity shop at the moment and loads of people are doing clearouts while on lockdown.
You weren't asking for new or designer or anything fancy.

No problem with this. I took 5 pairs of mens trousers almost new (outgrown by large teenager who keeps growing)to recycle bin last week but would have been delighted to have given them to someone in your husbands position. As others have said ignore MIL.

I think these days people see second hand stuff as somehow only for the poor. Whereas growing up in the 70' s, in a village where most people were comfortably off, swapping 2nd hand clothes & buying 2nd hand furniture was a norm. We were well off but I still enjoyed the lovely dresses worn maybe once or twice that a neighbour passed on . And my DM passed on mine & my sisters outgrown stuff to another child. The ethos was it's great quality only worn a few times, so someone else could enjoy it too. My parents had a bedroom furniture set that used to be my Granny's until I was around 16. It was very vintage looking but nothing wrong with it,perfect condition.

I would have no issue with this, and assume you’ll be putting them back on there for someone else to benefit from when you don’t need them any more. None of your MiL’s business as long as you and DH are on the same page. I think the two of you have enough to cope with at the moment, and wish you both all the very best in dealing with it.

@saraclara

To be fair, the thread was called "what do you need that you cant afford" and you could afford them.

I might have posted saying "I can actually afford these, but we may only need them for a couple of weeks, so if anyone could lend some..."
Otherwise I'd have felt bad having people think that I needed helping out because I didn't have the money, when I do.

This exactly.

I wish more people would do this. Wastage in this country is shocking. It's good to re-use.

I buy DS's clothes second hand if possible and I always re-sell on eBay so I know, even if I did buy new, they're getting used again and I use that money to buy his next set of clothes.

I don't think you're a CF.

I don't think you are- but she may be looking from it from the perspective you could get your Haus and two pair of cheap trousers, whereas it's possible someone else doesn't have the money for any clothes.

Why is your MIL giving you a dressing down, rather than her own son?

From a personal and environmental point of view, always better to re-use when you can, so I'd have no problems with "scrounging" a couple of pairs of jeans.

She’s a knob. Someone had something that was of use to you which means it won’t get chucked in the bin before its done being usable. You’re not a CF. And primark is currently closed in England, if that’s where you happen to live, to the smart arse up thread who suggested you bought something you won’t need for long which you’d probably need to chuck straight after

All good wishes to you and your husband, and the kind person who helped you with the trousers. MIL is stupid. Hopefully you were able to donate something to someone else. We pass stuff around my village constantly. I’m sure most of us can afford things new but I recently gave a barely used baby snow suit to a weather neighbour who gave me some homemade jam and windfall apples. Keeps goods circling around and less crap in landfill. In lockdown in the spring I was given a few secondhand things for my DD, some of which I’ve since passed on to other people.

Are you saying that you live hand to mouth and literally cannot afford to buy clothing unless you go without buying food or paying bills? If so, then I think it is fine that you asked for what you need. In your situation I would probably try a charity shop but it may be that you don't even have the money to go there either. Perhaps your MIL doesn't realise how strapped for cash you are.

Thank you, I feel so much better now. I think like a pp said, it's about keeping up appearances. She wouldn't want any of her friends to know that we're begging for clothes as it reflects badly on her

Are you saying that you live hand to mouth and literally cannot afford to buy clothing unless you go without buying food or paying bills? If so, then I think it is fine that you asked for what you need. In your situation I would probably try a charity shop but it may be that you don't even have the money to go there either. Perhaps your MIL doesn't realise how strapped for cash you are.

Charity shops would have been my first port of call had we not been in the middle of a national lockdown

Absolutely not being a CF.

You can always pass them on again after your DH doesn't need them.