Am I the CF????

[Misskittyfantastico85]

I've just been accused by my MIL of being a CF (not in so many words)

Just as a bit of background, my in laws always live on the bread line, my MIL has never worked because she was always too busy raising children, they never used to have any spare cash and always used to buy secondhand where she could. Around five years ago, they inherited a large sum of money and it's been amazing watching them spend it. They were offered the chance to buy their council house and they could have bought it outright, but declined because then they would be left with no spare cash.

Myself and DH bought our house 15 years ago and PIL kept advising us against it in case something went wrong with the boiler or we needed a new kitchen or something.

Last year, my DH was diagnosed with cancer. He was always very very slim, but within the last few months due to all of the medications and a hernia, he has bloated and he has gone from a 32 waist to a 34 and now a 36. Hes never been fussed with clothes and has worn the same jeans and trousers for years. Today he mentioned that hes starting to feel uncomfortable and could do with some new trousers as he has none at all that fit him.

Someone in a local community Facebook group started a thread of 'what do you need that you cant afford' it was a long running thread where people were listing the things that they need and others within the community were offering these things if they were getting rid of. So I posted and asked if anyone was getting rid of some size 36 trousers.

Within a few minutes, MIL had obviously seen the post and phoned me to say she would buy him some trousers and that she couldnt believe I was scrounging from strangers on facebook. I explained that within a few weeks/months he may not need the bigger size as he will have come off the medication, but she said that I was being a CF asking for things that we could afford but dont want to. She said it's all about priorities. I was a bit put out that she said that because my priority is looking after DH and Dd and making sure we can afford the necessities. I understand clothing is essential, but new clothing isn't.

My DH agrees with me and was very grateful for 2 pairs of trousers from a neighbour.

So, am I being a CF for asking for something we need but cant afford, when we could actually afford it but choose to spend our money on essentials??

Far better to re-use and recycle - I was delighted to pick up a book case through freecycle at the weekend.
I had been thinking about getting one from Ikea for a while, but this is tons nicer. Yes, I could have afforded new, but it saves the people that kindly gave it to me from having to get rid of it, and equally if I have things I no longer need, I offer those on freecycle too.

Not CF at all. People have stuff they want rid of, you have something you need. Match them up, everyone happy.

I don’t see why accepting second-hand things from strangers is cheeky.

I always think if you can afford something you should buy it and leave the free stuff for people who actually need it, especially on a fb page like that. Its a bit like asking for food from a foodvank whe you can afford food.

If your DH is happy with the clothes then you are right and not a CF.

I belong to freecycle and absolutely love the wanted posts as they make me think about what I have that I don’t need. I’d be delighted if someone asked for suits and ties (for example) in my husbands size as he gave up office work last December and has a whole wardrobe full. If he ever feels like returning to that kind of work, they’ll probably be out of date or he will have gained/lost weight. We should all be recycling what we can, and most things we no longer want have loads of use left in them.

Recently someone asked for cleaning things on Freecycle as they’d moved into their own flat and didn’t have much spare money. My daughters have moved back home this year, and I suddenly had at least three of everything. Yes it would have got used eventually, but I’m not Mrs Hinch, and was pleased to be able to help someone out.

The person who donated you the trousers would have been very happy to do so, and your MIL is just being silly.

Wishing your husband a quick recovery.

You did a good thing.

Recycle, reuse, restore and all that jazz!

@mouse70

No problem with this. I took 5 pairs of mens trousers almost new (outgrown by large teenager who keeps growing)to recycle bin last week but would have been delighted to have given them to someone in your husbands position. As others have said ignore MIL.

Any reason they didn't go to a charity shop?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I always think if you can afford something you should buy it and leave the free stuff for people who actually need it, especially on a fb page like that. Its a bit like asking for food from a foodvank whe you can afford food.

I think I agree.

Our local FB is populated now with more people asking for stuff (a lot of it quite pricey) than donating.

@saraclara

To be fair, the thread was called "what do you need that you cant afford" and you could afford them.

I might have posted saying "I can actually afford these, but we may only need them for a couple of weeks, so if anyone could lend some..."
Otherwise I'd have felt bad having people think that I needed helping out because I didn't have the money, when I do.

this

Hmm...see if someone had posted they had trousers in that size to give away, and you'd taken up that offer then that would seem better somehow. Asking just seems a bit beggy especially as OP could have afforded cheap new ones, or second hand ones from marketplace or shpock etc.

I give away things for free often on local Freecycle pages but get a bit narked seeing the amount of people asking for expensive items (appreciate OPs request doesn't fall into this category) like TVs for their kids rooms (so not even the only TV in the house...), specific branded prams, etc, or just repeatedly asking for different things. I know a lot of it is begged for and then sold on (people are banned every week for this), which just makes it worse!

Your mum is being unreasonable

Without knowing your financial situation- Ebay has loads of cheap second hand clothes that are available or be posted during lockdown. Or if you search what’s local to you (if you need them immediately) - they are available to be collected.

My only concern is that there’s a family that really couldn’t afford even a pair of second hand trousers who will now have to buy them somewhere. That said - that’s just a hypothetical scenario but the likeliest scenario is that the clothes would have ended up in the bin or in clothes recycling if you hadn’t taken them off your neighbour’s hands.

*your mother in law is being unreasonable

If you know for a definite fact that you absolutely can't afford them then YANBU.

If you can afford them then YABU because someone on the absolute bones of their arse could have had them.

Only you know that though, so it has nothing to do with your MIL.

Maybe think about another way. If my son was very ill it would break my heart to think that he could not afford trousers in the right size to make him feel more comfortable and I would feel that the least I could do would be to buy him some. And I would feel very upset to think of him not only having to wear second-hand clothes at such an awful time, but having to ask for them publicly on a community site.
I do hope that your DH makes a full recovery OP.

Personally I think if you knew you could afford to buy him some, you should of, leaving the trouser for those who genuinely cannot afford them.

Firstly, Am I The CF is getting my vote to replace Am I Being Unreasonable.

Secondly, your MIL is being ridiculous. It was a Facebook group for people who had a clear out and wanted rid of some stuff. It's high time people stopped this ridiculous pressure to conform to this consumerist nonsense and started supporting stuff like commuity buy/swap/give away etc. If someone doesn't need something anymore and someone else can benefit from it then there is no good reason to be snooty about it under the guise of being "proud" or whatever. It's stupid.

If your MIL will only ever buy new then fine, that's her choice, but it's not her business where you get stuff from. Don't take her insecurities. This is all about her and nothing to do with you.

Her son has cancer. If she wants to buy him some new trousers, please let her.

Nothing wrong with second hand at all but will it really be such a bad thing to let her buy him a new pair?

Buying second hand and not new is good sense in this day and age, this planet cannot tolerate waste and constant shite bought from Primark

YANBU, she's weird

I have to be honest....I don't take freebies from Facebook because I'd rather leave them for someone who cannot afford them...I can...

Her son has cancer. If she wants to buy him some new trousers, please let her.

And this. In spades.

I have happily given items to my neighbors who I know could easily afford to buy what I am giving away. I’m happy the items are not ending up in a landfill and will instead be used. I also give items to charity shops, but if I know someone has a need for an item, why not pass it along directly.

Ffs, it's not 'scrounging off Facebook', it makes sense to get them 2nd hand from a practical view point.
If your DH doesn't mind then no one else should.

However, they probably feel very protective of him due to his illness so I'd maybe keep schtum and amend your FB settings.

Or block them and say you've come off it?

YANBU - a couple of pairs of old trousers that someone would have been pleased to have given away.

Maybe post something else on that Facebook group about your MIL wants "a more positive attitude" if anyone has one going spare?! 😈

You can always offer to make a small donation to the trouser persons preferred charity and also regift trousers back to them (first refusal) and if not back to the site

It's a pair of trousers ffs. You can do what the hell you like. Why is this woman interfering? I would absolutely do my nut! I read this and thought.. too much time on her hands she needs to get busy!