Am I the CF????

[Misskittyfantastico85]

I've just been accused by my MIL of being a CF (not in so many words)

Just as a bit of background, my in laws always live on the bread line, my MIL has never worked because she was always too busy raising children, they never used to have any spare cash and always used to buy secondhand where she could. Around five years ago, they inherited a large sum of money and it's been amazing watching them spend it. They were offered the chance to buy their council house and they could have bought it outright, but declined because then they would be left with no spare cash.

Myself and DH bought our house 15 years ago and PIL kept advising us against it in case something went wrong with the boiler or we needed a new kitchen or something.

Last year, my DH was diagnosed with cancer. He was always very very slim, but within the last few months due to all of the medications and a hernia, he has bloated and he has gone from a 32 waist to a 34 and now a 36. Hes never been fussed with clothes and has worn the same jeans and trousers for years. Today he mentioned that hes starting to feel uncomfortable and could do with some new trousers as he has none at all that fit him.

Someone in a local community Facebook group started a thread of 'what do you need that you cant afford' it was a long running thread where people were listing the things that they need and others within the community were offering these things if they were getting rid of. So I posted and asked if anyone was getting rid of some size 36 trousers.

Within a few minutes, MIL had obviously seen the post and phoned me to say she would buy him some trousers and that she couldnt believe I was scrounging from strangers on facebook. I explained that within a few weeks/months he may not need the bigger size as he will have come off the medication, but she said that I was being a CF asking for things that we could afford but dont want to. She said it's all about priorities. I was a bit put out that she said that because my priority is looking after DH and Dd and making sure we can afford the necessities. I understand clothing is essential, but new clothing isn't.

My DH agrees with me and was very grateful for 2 pairs of trousers from a neighbour.

So, am I being a CF for asking for something we need but cant afford, when we could actually afford it but choose to spend our money on essentials??

I don't think that is any different to going to a charity shop, which you can't do cos they are closed! Not cheeky at all - hope DH keeps well xx

GammyLeg Well it's certainly an unusual perspective! I work in a university, do a sport which (until recently) involved travelling all over the country and meeting lots of people as well as loads in my home area and have just under 2000 FB friends as a result. Large extended family, lots of long term friends. Almost no mumsnet users though. And I know that every single one of them would find this incredibly odd.

Don't get me wrong. I love FB marketplace for second hand stuff. But there's a big difference between a mirror or a table, or even a vintage Designer item and a personal item of clothing such as a cheap pair of trousers trousers? When there is so much cheap, readily available clothing to buy in supermarkets or online? It's not worth the bother.

I mean, what if they don't fit? Do the trousers have to be advertised again so another lucky recipient can have them? Does try them on first? And in this pandemic, is it really a good idea for a cancer patient anyway, as it will involve some degree of hand over and yiu are relying on a third party' hygiene?

Not at all. We could all do with recycling things more, we dont always need 'brand new' - specially if he's not going to be that size for long. Ignore.

If it makes you feel any better we had a similar "things you need but don't have, things you have but don't need" thread on our local Facebook page (SW London) last winter.

In amongst the requests for bed frames for growing children, and fridges to last between then and payday, was a woman asking for ski suits and ski boots... For their holiday in Chamonix.

I'm 100% behind not buying new, but the spirit of the thread was to help out those who were struggling, not to facilitate ski holidays.

You did nothing wrong OP. Perfectly legit usage of the thread.

Second hand is always best, stops it going to landfill, yeah a charity shop could have got £2 for them possibly, hardly makes a difference does it.

You asked if anyone has some clothes to give away - a neighbour said yes. They didn't want the stuff, you took it. Fine.

It IS dishonest if you made it seem as though you could not afford something that you needed, when in fact Primark trousers are within budget. Then people might be giving things they do have a use for, because they feel sorry for dh.

I would not want a family member of mine having to ask for charity to feed or clothe themselves or their family.
I'm with the MIL with this one.

I think that our parent's generation just don't understand about recycling, upcycling and free-cycling

I don't know how old you or your parents are but some people were thinking like this in the 70s.

What's with the "parents'generation" comment? I'm 37.

Firstly I am sorry to hear about your DH.All good wishes go to him and yourself as well .I am quite sure no one would begrudge a pair of Mens Trousers, To go to someone very sick! Even when Charity shops were open ,lots of clothes were left behind ,and would be sold on their sale racks for a quid .Anything left straight to Cash for Clothes guys (My DF used to work in a Charity shop) I would ignore her .ATM lots of Recycling banks are shut/full up ,so its good for all concerned really.

All the best to your husband, Op.

Presumably you pass stuff on, so it's like a loan?

Reusing and saving from a landfil is better. Don't let your MIL or anyone else take your focus off your family.

have just under 2000 FB friends as a result. Large extended family, lots of long term friends. Almost no mumsnet users though. And I know that every single one of them would find this incredibly odd.

You sound ridiculous with this over-exaggeration. There is no way on Earth that you can possibly know that every single one of your 2000 FB “friends” plus family would think this odd.

You done the right thing.

I see these kind of posts on Fb. The only person I know who is on them to request/ or select an item, lives in the biggest home in our village. Her dh has a great job and whilst I appreciate we don’t know everyone’s circumstance, I find it grabby and tight. I think those posts are for people in need.
I think it’s great stuff not going to landfill but I’m with the pp that I would never do it myself when I can pick up a pair of trousers cheaply.
Op, hope your husband has a good recovery.

OP, your MIL can make comments like these because she has never had a pot to piss in but now she has come into some money, which won’t last long and then she’ll be back to being poor in her old age but I guess then the taxpayer will just pick up her tab as usual. But somebody had to die for her to have her money which I would be reminding her of if she ever came out with bullshit like this to me.

I live in quite a nice area, all houses detached etc
But most people offer things to the community in our FB group before getting rid of things despite the fact that most (if not all) people could afford to buy the thing new. Any time people have a good clear out they put things outside their house with a post on the FB group so people can go and help themselves.
I think to a certain extent it’s because people CAN afford things they are perfectly comfortable taking them for free, I think that in many cases people who have struggled don’t want to be seen as “poor” so prefer to buy new.
I probably wouldn’t have done it for a couple of pairs of trousers tbh but I wouldn’t judge anyone else who did
I hope your DH has a good recovery

It makes no sense at all for that fb person to throw away jeans, meanwhile you buy a pair then in a few months throw them away also.

I have enough money but I get things off Facebook all the time. I also give away things on there and I couldn't care less if a millionaire came and took them. I don't need them, they do, what's the problem?

I hope your DH's recovery continues well!

I have to say that even though she was harsh, if it's group for people who cannot afford something, but you can just didn't want to spend as it won't be needed in some months, I am kind of with her. You could have bought them and pop them on that group later when not needed. If the group is for anyone (pr you can't afford the trousers) than that's absolutely fine.

Personally I do find it a bit odd that you asked on a thread for items that people actually can't afford. You could have easily bought them off ebay or such thing but you wanted them for free.

It's hard to tell if the group really was for people who couldn't afford or more like Freecycle. With charity shops closed I don't blame you. Presume you'll donate when finished so they'll go to a 'deserving' home and make charity money in due course.

Personally I do find it a bit odd that you asked on a thread for items that people actually can't afford. You could have easily bought them off ebay or such thing but you wanted them for free.

I never said I wanted them for free and as soon as my neighbour offered I asked how much she would like for them.

I think your MIL needs to wind her neck in

You can't go to charity shop right now and a "cheap pair of jeans from primary" isn't available given DH might be shielding & maybe not what he usually wears, he's uncomfortable so it is essential unless you think naked ill people are the bees knees

If I had spare size 36 trousers & other clothes I was getting rid of, I would much rather they were handed down to someone like DH who needed them in his situation than left sitting for weeks in closed charity shop donation bins. Op can donate or pass them on as and when he no longer needs them

I'm glad your neighbour helped you OP

Have you ignored MIL? I wouldn't have replied to her because my reply would otherwise have been the first line I started this comment with.

I get that your MIL may have felt uncomfortable with you asking but it was just plain rude of her to call you cheeky. She could just have easily said "oh don't ask on there I would like to buy some..."

I also find it interesting on this thread seeing the comments from people who say that they should be left for those who are "more needy". Sociologists have debated for years what constitutes basic need and still haven't been able to come up with a universal truth.

Yes, someone else may have needed to choose between buying trousers or food, but they still have the opportunity to ask and had not done so yet. There is nothing to suggest that if someone were to make the same request they wouldn't get what they need. Is the neighbour to hang on to stuff until they find someone they judge as worthy of recieving their seconds?

I also can't really get worked up over the thought of giving a cancer patient things I don't need anymore, even if it means funding a holiday for them (which I am not saying is the case here but just to make a point). If me giving an item away, that I no longer need and wasn't expecting to make money off allows someone who's been dealt a shit hand in life to do something else that gives them joy who am I to judge?

So no OP, I don't think you were being a CF.

Ps a CF post on the fb page would have been...
"I would rather spend our cash on our multiple weekend holiday to Ibiza and St Lucia ..and we want size 36" R trousers brand new purchased for us from M&S or Armani only as brands are soooo important.... , the grey 100% cotton ones only - let me post a photo with price so you know what to order us. Don't order us cheap stuff..."