To tell my husband to stop eating?!

[HungryHungryHubby]

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

His choice if he knows or other factors going on

You have every right to snap. Especially if it’s about health rather than vanity. How did he take it?

Honestly? Although I understand your concern, you handled that badly. Of my DH told me he’d ‘had enough of me eating’ he’d be getting told to fuck off.

Actually snapping isn't that helpful.

Have you had a calm kind conversation with him about it? Does he acknowledge and does he want to do something about it?

I don’t think your tactics usually result in people deciding to stop eating. He needs to decide to do it for himself.

A calm discussion about how worried you are about his health might be a better plan.

I’ve tried everything else before I snapped tbh. I cook all the healthy meals, make his lunches, have had chats with him about his health kindly and with respect (especially since Covid) and he just shrugs and says it’ll be okay. Seeing him eat what looks like about 1,000 calories after a big dinner just genuinely makes me feel sick.

Unbelievably unreasonable. Is he your husband or your child?!?

Has his eating got worse this year with lockdown etc or has it always been a problem?

Yes. It’s really easy to stop overeating. That’s why fat people just listen when people say ‘stop bloody eating’ and lose all the weight forever

@JustOneMoreStep he’s my partner and the father of our children - I feel like being concerned about his health is the least a partner should do but okay

Seeing him eat what looks like about 1,000 calories after a big dinner just genuinely makes me feel sick.

Oh dear. Well, now I suppose he knows that. What’s next?

Yanbu but you won't get him to stop by snapping at him. People only change when they are ready - if anything else worked, there'd be no fat people!
All you can do is tell him how worried you are. For me, the trigger to lose weight was Covid and realising how vulnerable I was making myself and thinking about the impact on my children. But losing weight is hard and if he's not in the right frame of mind, you can't make him
All you can do is refuse to keep junk food in the house, so if he wants it he has to go and get it

What did he say when you snapped?

Not unreasonable no, but only he can fix it. He has to want to fix it and he has to be prepared to put the effort in as it's not easy changing the habits of a lifetime.

May be worth a conversation around whether he wants to make an effort. If he doesn't... well .... he's made his choice. If he does, he can tell you whether he wants you to help him or if he wants you to keep out of it (I preferred the latter!).
At the end of the day, you can choose whether or not to respect his decision. But if you don't, that will put more stress on your relationship.

@Cantdoitallperfectly nope, it’s been like it for about 5 years now. I’ve honestly tried everything in that time. I’m just so scared I’ll lose him young - my dad was obese and died of a heart attack at 51.

I cook all the healthy meals, make his lunches, have had chats with him about his health kindly and with respect (especially since Covid) and he just shrugs and says it’ll be okay.

This is the problem. You are thinking all about you and what you’re doing. He is an adult who is allowed to make bad decisions about his health.

You can’t change other people, you can only change how you react.

@AnneLovesGilbert he just said “yeah, I get it” and walked off.
I feel awful for snapping, I really do, I guess that’s why I’m here. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

What's his attitude like towards himself generally?

I fully understand your frustration. I think he needs to see the health risks he could be having, or visualise himself even bigger than what he is now for him to understand he needs to change. There are loads of tv programs you could watch together that might help. I know one called superfat vs superskinny, or another one called fat families. Im sure theres better ones that are actual documentaries about obesity etc. Have a serious talk with him and tell him next time he acts like that you will be taking a stand and stop talking to him/ making him food/ anything for as long as needed so he actually realizes he is being unreasonable. Don’t give up op! good luck

@PurpleDaisies I get that, I know I shouldn’t have snapped really. I’m just at a loss at what I can do next. He doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s been 5 years of no change, and i honestly don’t know what else to do.

Stop mothering him.

You can’t force him to change, your persuasion methods haven’t worked so far!

I would just stop buying snacks and let him buy his own if he wishes.

Unreasonable to snap at him. But understandable. If he has a heart attack you'll be the one looking after him. & People who eat you out of house and home impact family budget. That's what people who think you've no right to say anything, very conveniently choose to forget.

Sounds like he doesn't have an 'off switch' when it comes to food. I can be like that too, I combat it by changing what I eat. Healthy food thats filling, and exercising. I still like my snacks at times.

Apologise for your approach, talk to him when it's calmer see if you can sort this. I do wonder why he leaves food wrappers all over the place though, can't he find the bin?!

Sounds like binge eating disorder

@hashbrownsandwich he takes care of himself in every other way. He loves clothes, doing his hair etc. He always looks smart and takes pride in his appearance BUT he also hates how he looks and that clothes don’t fit like they use to. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall when he complains that his shirts are getting tighter but can’t see that it’s the midnight snacking that’s not helping.

As I’ve typed that out though, I do wonder if it’s a vicious cycle of feeling shit about his weight and comfort eating.

If I didn’t feel awful before, I certainly do now

Start researching good life insurance for him and show him what your doing.
If it doesnt help him to change his diet at least you'll be well covered.
Seriously though, he needs help.