To tell my husband to stop eating?!

[HungryHungryHubby]

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

You have to feel positive to lose weight effectively.

Unfortunately if you're prone to being overweight then you're not someone who stops eating and loses wright when stressed and miserable!

Weight loss is 90% psychological. The adult has to want to do it and has to start from a place of fairly high self esteem and positive outlook, otherwise they will fail.

That's why making people hate themselves for being overweight never, ever leads to long term weight loss.

You are not unreasonable to be concerned at all, but hard as it may be this is not up to you Hungry . You absolutely have to stop mentally poking him with a stick about eating - you're almost certainly actually making things worse by making him hate himself for over eating. The more he hates himself for it, the more he'll do it. If you can lay off and instead build his self esteem he'll hopefully eventually change his diet for himself. You can't do this for him any more than you could get an alcholic permanently sober - the person has to be in the right frame of mind to freely choose to do it themselves.

@lovelemoncurd

Don't buy sharing chocolate etc. I presume it's bought in your weekly family shop and not secretly by him but I may be wrong. If it's not in the house he won't be tempted.

OP has already said that if there are no snacks in the house, her husband goes out to MacDonalds etc.

I agree with pps that you need to look at the underlying reason for his binge eating. It is often a way of numbing anger, stress or anxiety. What is going through his head when he binge-eats?

@SandyY2K

Has he had any treatment or seen a doctor? For eating?

The theory is good but unfortunately doesn’t work in reality. I’ve struggled with ‘comfort eating’ and tearfully asked my GP for help, she just brushed it aside and suggested joining WW or SW.

OP, I wish I could give you some advice but know that shaming people is not helpful, as my very slim friend keeps telling me “nobody forces food into your mouth” Of course I know this, but comments like that only compound the shame and disgust I feel about myself.

Okay so just to go over some questions I’ve been asked a lot.

1. Nothing in particular happened five years ago that I know of. However, his job has become more and more stressful over the years so that may have an impact.

1. As I said, it is pure worries about his health. My dad died of a heart attack at 51, my mum was an addict (alcohol) and so I do understand the health implication and mental health behind addictions. I just have got to my wits end with trying to help and it is frustrating when you’re trying to help someone who is struggling - That doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means that I’m trying.

1. I haven’t posted about this before and I don’t have an obsession with overeating. My motives are most likely driven by fear and anxiety of losing someone so young when I lost my parents so young. I get that and can see that now.

1. For all those with advice, I am reading through it all and working out the best way forward but I agree that until he feels like he can help himself there’s not much I can do.

And yes, I DO feel bad about how I handled it. I guess I was tired and angry and hurt, but that doesn’t give me any excuse to take it out or another person. I’m learning and growing, so I accept that.

I’ve struggled with ‘comfort eating’ and tearfully asked my GP for help, she just brushed it aside and suggested joining WW or SW.

Sorry to hear that, so frustrating. I started on an online support group, and when I could face phoning the GP they referred me to an eating programme that was a combo of talking therapy, weight loss guidance, free access to the gym etc.

Don't feel bad OP, you are human and it is very frustrating even if there is a 'cause' that he doesn't have control over at the moment. It's evident it's from a place of caring, hopefully you find some of the posts useful, but be kind to yourself too. Whatever his issue is, it's hard living with someone who is struggling.

Trouble is, food fills boredom & emotions just as well as it fills your stomach. I snack & smoke if I've nothing to do or just doing screen time, so I knitt or do a jigsaw (living the dream!). Get him 800g of aran & a nice jumper pattern.

OP, I don't think it's that simple so he can't "just stop". Have a read of the Obesity Code by Jason Fung - really interesting. It sounds like he'll need more help than telling him to stop and he also has to want to stop himself.

You say you cook all healthy meals and the one you mentioned was meat, grains and veg. Potatoes don't need to be off limits , they're fine in smallish amounts and more filling than grains.

Do you think he feels the need to break away and eats unhealthy foods because he doesn't get any otherwise ?

May be if he is actually hungry at bed time what he actually needs is an extra meal. For example a bowl of porage or some toast or soup and bread have a lot less calories than chocolate and crisps and would fill him up. It is hard to sleep when hungry.

This is likely to be a psychological issue though and I'm sure 2020 hasn't helped. It's not as simple as just stopping eating just like a gambler can't just stop gambling.

@Daisymaze Thank you for your post and the information, I shall look into joining an online support group. I’m pleased to hear that you got the support that you needed from your GP.

I love how people say it's his choice , like you don't have a responsibility to look after yourself for the good of your family.

Why don't I just start hammering the booze every day then ? It's my choice ? Fuck the kids.

Ugh op. He knows very well he is over weight and over eating.us fat people are already aware we are fat. All you did was shame him. If he wants to and he is ready he should look into counselling around his self esteem. It's normally rooter in self esteem. I doubt very much he is happy with his current cycle if bingeing and feeling shit.

Nothing in particular happened five years ago that I know of. However, his job has become more and more stressful over the years so that may have an impact

Just on this, my stressful job also made me put on weight despite being in a happy relationship and everything else being fine otherwise. But by the time I realized it, I was in a vicious circle I couldn't get out of. I only went into the very slightly overweight category but it was so so hard to get out of the habit of easing stress with chocolate. Lockdown gave me a bit of a break from office politics and I have been steadily losing the extra 10lbs but it's such an uphill battle and as soon as I have a stressful week I go back to my bad habits for a couple of weeks...

I don't know what the answer is but I think you need to stop talking about it altogether. No matter how nicely you put it, it will go down badly. He has to come to that decision on his own.

@Obviouspretzel

I love how people say it's his choice , like you don't have a responsibility to look after yourself for the good of your family.

Why don't I just start hammering the booze every day then ? It's my choice ? Fuck the kids.

Harsh, but there’s some truth in this.

When you’re in a LTR and and/or have children, you have to consider the impact of your actions on other people.

The OP’s husband may be depressed/stressed and comfort eating, but at some point he needs to consider the impact of his behavior on his loved ones. The OP can try to be understanding, but he needs to be understanding of her perspective as as well.

I went yanbu, but because you told him you were worried not because you expect him to stop. I'm finally coming to the end of eating like this. I am working on mindful eating which is a way of understanding why you over eat and to build strategy to stop. This could be a simple as g o ing to make a hot drink or walk around the block. The big qualifier is that I wanted to do it. I'm now pounds within just being overweight as opposed to obese.

Don't nag him try to encourage him to live a healthier lifestyle. Eat biscuits by putting 2 or 3 on a plate , sit down and concentrate on what you're eating. I have a bad of chocolate my husband bought me on Saturday it's sitting on the side I've had some but the majority is still there and I used to be your DH.

3. I haven’t posted about this before and I don’t have an obsession with overeating. My motives are most likely driven by fear and anxiety of losing someone so young when I lost my parents so young. I get that and can see that now.

It’s not irrational fear though, is it OP? It’s the same fear that stops you stepping out into traffic- clear understanding of the risk of death. Your husband is utterly selfish not to accept the risk at which he is placing his family and do something about it. He is also utterly uncaring about the effect on you if your parents dying young. Don’t let him brainwash you into feeling guilty when the fault is entirely his.

I am like your husband but the difference is, weight wise, I got away with it for a lonngg time and when I did notice a big gain, I got on it, thankfully, pretty quickly. However the downing of 1000cals in 20 mins having already eaten a dinner, absolutely no problem. He's not even tasting it, he's inhaling it, it's his drug, it's a compulsion and it's a race to the bottom of the bag or packet or whatever.

Have you had a constructive chat since? Imo, if he wants to get himself to a better place, is to start with simple, achievable daily goals, he should write them down: water intake, glass of water before and after a meal and 20min brisk walk at the usual sticky time, sounds like after dinner. Ideally no junk at home and no wallet on walk or in car. The exercise will give an endorphin boost making the binge less likely. Decent foods and I wouldn't even worry about portion size or anything like that yet. Just the water amount and before/after meal habit, some daily movement and zero junk. I really feel for him. Allen Carr easy way to stop emotional eating worth reading or listening to and I know there's a video for that too. Worth a try. This is really serious for him and you all now health wise and perhaps if he could recognise that in a non-judgemental conversation, that might give him the kick start he needs.

When you get cross with him or ask him about it, he’s probably defensive and secretive because he feels ashamed. I know when I was bulimic I didn’t think of myself as having any sort of eating disorder as it didn’t feel extreme enough but I still felt gross and in hindsight I clearly did have an issue.

I think it might be worth reframing the issue in your head as him having more of a psychological difficulty with food than a physical one as it’s clearly not just hunger / greed given how ashamed he is and how he’s hiding it. I’ve read of a psychologist describing it as ‘disordered eating’ as an eating disorder often has severe connotations of binging, purging and starvation to the extreme. My ex boyfriend was anorexic to the point of hospitalisation - rare in men - but you can still eat in a way that is obsessive / unhealthy / brings negative feelings without it being that extreme.
Hope this isn’t too garbled as I’ve had a drink!

I can understand your frustration and worry. There is a serious mental illness called Binge Eating Disorder and getting the right treatment is vital. There is really helpful information on the 'Beat' charity's website. It is a complex condition and recovery can be slow and sporadic even with the best help. It is difficult for family to understand and there is support on there for them too. I hope your husband is ready to accept help because eating in the way he does is more about his thoughts and feelings which are difficult to deal with and facing those first is the focus of therapy. I hope things improve for you both

I would give him an ultimatum go on slimming world and make a change for his health or you be gone , I just couldn't watch someone i love slowly killing themselves it must be awful Op , especially as your dad died so young too , he's not valuing his life which means he doesn't value you enough either .. Be hard on this I'm hel thank you in the long run x

I can see why you are very anxious about his health but this is something he can only address himself, you have absolutely no control over it. In a sense the mantra about a family member who is drinking too much applies, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You can tell him that you are very concerned for his health but he is an adult who can buy whatever food he wants and eat it. You could choose to end your relationship over it but I don't think that's what you want. Ultimately it's his body and his health. It may affect you later, of course, if he becomes ill. It isn't an easy situation but trying to control his eating for him isn't going to work. If he will talk to you about any underlying issues it would help but it has to come from him.

Have you considered that he has an earring disorder?