To tell my husband to stop eating?!

[HungryHungryHubby]

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

Just want to add, I suffer from anxiety and depression at times. Was medicated for years but found excercise and better diet helped me loads.

I really, really empathise OP... I’m at this point at the moment, and I’ve been the obese partner to the fit DH myself. (Still the same DH, but we’ve swapped roles!) He is greedy. No other words, really. I’ve had to give the kids boxes to put their weeks worth of school snacks into, and hide them in their rooms so they don’t get raided. This falls me because he knows they’re for the kids AND he knows my policy on packaging. (I would normally make healthier slices or biscuits, etc. and keep them in the cupboard, but due to the climate where I live, things have to be packaged if stored in bedrooms.) He was complaining about his weight, so I went down to his car with a plastic bag and pulled out cans of Fanta, Red Bull, fast food meal wrappers, Giant-size Mars bars wrappers, chip packets, etc.... AND while we’re on the subject, he doesn’t even taste his bloody food. He’s like a Labrador! He shovels everything onto his fork, opens his mouth like the Cookie Monster and “Umph, umph, umph!!!!” It’s all gone, followed by finger-licking!!! Then an hour later he’s making jam and toast. If a bottle of wine is open, he finishes the thing. He can’t have just one glass. I can’t tell you how unattractive this has become. He works in professional sport and he put on 15kgs. He thinks he can continue to eat like this and “Sport it off!” No telling him that modern science says 80% of your weightloss is diet-related. Both of his parents and ALL of his grandparents had cardiac issues and diabetes. He is confident that he can avoid this because he’s fit. I finally convinced him to have his middle-aged man check-ups and he was mortified to find out that his BP was high and so was his cholesterol. He came home with five XL pizzas last night, and wondered why I flounced off to have a shower. (I don’t eat pizza at all, btw... So that’s one for each kid and two for him.) I GIVE UP!!!

@Aquamarine1029

He will either decide to adopt a healthy lifestyle and lose weight or he will eat himself into an early grave. Either way, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Totally agree, he needs to make and own the decision to be healthier and I agree with @BrummyMum1 that overeating is primarily a MH issue.

Dealing with MH issues that could adversely affect your family is part of being an adult and it’s difficult. I had to do this myself when my MH was spiraling a few years ago. I realized that only I could deal with my problems- not my DH nor other friends/family- and seek professional help.

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Don't feel too bad about snapping. Your husband is choosing to risk leaving you a widow and his children without a father because he can't stop eating junk food after hours when he has a pre-existing heart condition. Even if doesn't die, he could become disabled. I know of somebody who got something relatively minor and treatable but ended up having a severe stroke with his obesity being the complicating factor. His poor wife is now looking after the children and him and only minimal improvement is expected in his condition with probably no chance of him ever working again.

Is your husband seeing a cardiologist who might be able to reason with him/check his cholesterol? I have sat with my husband in a cardiologist's office, which was prompted by the heart attack of his younger fitter brother who only survived because of his fitness. (Having a brother have a heart attack is a serious risk marker for a man.) Seeing a cardiologist peering at a table of the odds of my husband having a heart attack in the next five years was a very chastening thing. I would be enraged if my husband muttered stupid platitudes to me rather than doing something.

Would your husband see a psychiatrist/psychologist because there has to be some reason why he's risking his life for the joys of secretly eating poor quality snacks?

I know of a man who went for an insurance medical a few years ago and he got a bit of a fright when he was told his colestrol was a bit high, blood pressure slightly above normal and that he needed to lose 2 stone. He took this on board, made a few changes to his diet, cut down on the drinking and started to go to gym and did a bit of running. He has kept the weight off pretty well. He might put up a few pounds say around Xmas but has it gone within a few weeks.
You should tell your husband that your looking into getting life insurance for him because you need the money when he drops dead with a hear attack. I would tell him that your own father died at a young age and you don't want the same happening to him.
One of my friends joined slimming world a few years ago and she last 4 stone on it. She could eat plenty of good food and had syns to use each day for say a nice sauce on a dinner, some chocolate ect. She said I was not hungry on it and I could still have the odd meal out or a takeaway. What she found good was that she could still have a treat at night and not feel deprived.
I would suggest this to your husband and tell him that your worried about his health especially with covid at the moment. Say to him you don't want him to end up like the poor husband of Kate -the TV presenter who's been in hospital for months with covid.

Yanbu to feel as you do OP.
It's really unattractive (not just aesthetically) when someone is out of control like this. It would be similar if it was booze, drugs or whatever.
But I don't really know what you can do. It's a complex issue, not just like people can just stop overeating.

What can you do? Accept that your H overeats and doesn’t want to stop. Of course you can worry about his health and the future but you can’t make him change.

If it isn’t a deal breaker for you, then there’s little that you can do.

men suffer terribly with eating disorders.what you did is 101 of making eds worse.shame in men that suffer, is also what perpetuates the stigma and the illness.and then stops them getting help.
they are agonizing and mental illness.i repeat MENTAL ILLNESS.NOT GREED.not lazy. not bad parenting.not not caring about ones health. the comments on here are disgusting not this poor bloke.
oh and yes they are fatal.but not due to eating too many biscuits.

I absolutely get you. It’s so frustrating. My absolutely lovely amazing husband is a sleep eater. He just shovels food down. He’s 54 and overweight. He’s not happy about it either. I’m not happy because I worry about him dying. Also he snores and it’s awful. I can’t sleep in the same room as him. My H doesn’t hide food though. I’m sorry I don’t know what to suggest, but I have snapped at my husband through pure sleep deprivation.

Mn is wierd about over eating. I don't think I'd like it if anyone commented on how much I eat.

Does he have any hobbies? Sometimes if people get into some sport it can affect their eating as they start to see how good it feels to be healthy. I know someone who was obese and they started hill walking and lost so much weight as they started to eat better along with the walking.

Hard one OP but I think in the same situation I’d be seriously considering calling the relationship quits.

Food addiction is an addiction just like any other substance and he’s continually binging and hiding it from you. You’ve taken significant steps to help him and spoken openly about your concerns repeatedly to no avail. If it’s been ongoing like this for 5 years I’m not sure he’ll ever change it!

It’s a very thin line with a life partner between ‘I love you and I’m here to support you’ and ‘I’m not going to spend my life watching you slowly trash yours’

Fwiw DH had a mild drinking problem years ago and I struggled to get very firm with him about it. It wasn’t as if he was getting paralytic or dancing naked on the neighbours lawn, he wasn’t even doing it every week. But he would binge at least once a month and then go into a cycle of guilt and misery for days after. I always knew when it was coming but nothing I said made a difference. It made him so unhappy but he did it anyway.

In the end I told him if he didn’t stop and I mean totally stop (tea total) I’d leave him as I felt I was always on eggshells and couldn’t rely on him. In fairness he did stop and he saw someone about it for a while. It’s been years now and life is much better x

Has he had any treatment or seen a doctor?
For eating?*

Yes, because clearly he isn't just eating is he? He has a binge eating disorder which could end up being the death of him. He isn't eating because he's hungry, he's eating impulsively for emotional reasons.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation, my hubby was told a few years ago loose this weight and change habits as your on track for heart attack- unfortunately he loves food more than our son and me. I do everything healthy but he eats double portions, messes up my meal plans by eating two dinners. I've given up. If he wants to die that's his choice as much as it hurts me. I've shouted, cried, pleaded but he changes for a week and goes back to his ways. He knows he has a problem, but has no motivation to change.

Does he have binge eating disorder? It doesn't sound like he is particularly enjoying food, but is shovelling it in and feels ashamed so hides wrappers. I was like that, I wouldn't even be hungry but I'd have an uncontrollable urge to binge, I'd eat until I felt sick and wouldn't enjoy it, but couldn't help it. Telling someone to stop eating can be about as effective as telling someone with depression to cheer up. I sought help, and I'm not 5 stone down and it's been over 6 months since I've had a binge :)

Now*

To be honest if you ve been making all his food to help him i can totally understand why you snapped.
My hubby spent 300 on a diet without telling me...that was for the instructions not food...
Anyway i had to cook every single thing he ate (he cant and felt overwhelmed so i was happy to help)
Anyway he still stuffed his face with buns and i snapped. I was cooking all the time as the foods didnt suit dc. It was so frustrating and felt like a slap.
I know he could do his own but he genuinely felt overwhelmed so i helped...but it meant i was invested (i m invested in his health anyway but it put me under pressure)
All i m saying is i get it, it wont work till hes ready and my lad isnt ready 2 years later...but not as gorgy

When people eat like this, there are often other factors at play that make them turn to food. They can't just stop, they need to figure out what triggers it and deal with that, bordom, emotional eating, anxiety, something going on that the eating is masking.
Yanbu to feel worried and frustrated but yabu to expect him just to stop.

Don't buy sharing chocolate etc. I presume it's bought in your weekly family shop and not secretly by him but I may be wrong. If it's not in the house he won't be tempted.

I have issues with food too, linked to psychological reasons. My mother is obsessed with monitoritng food and would also use a phrase like a 'small' chocolate pudding. This does not help.

He's an adult

The problem is most likely psychological, so asking a person to stop, won't work
Asking a person to exercise instead won't work

Trying to shame somebody by booking a medical insurance appointment is awful! I know I'm currently obese. I know my blood pressure and heart rate are through the roof. I know I have children. Yet still I do nothing. I think about getting healthy, but can't do it. The more I think about it, the more I go off track. This is because I am anxious and depressed. It's complex and if DH confronted me, I'd feel worse. Only I can help myself.

@lovelemoncurd

Don't buy sharing chocolate etc. I presume it's bought in your weekly family shop and not secretly by him but I may be wrong. If it's not in the house he won't be tempted.

I'd just get my own stash in this instance or drive to a 24 hour garage. Like pp said, I've been known to make stuff from butter and sugar. Rationing is not the solution. You have to address the root cause.

This is MN, where people go to the ends of the Earth to defend their want to overeat.

YANBU.

I think the OP is getting a rough time here. I too would struggle if my partner became obese due to overeating junk food all the time outside of main meals. I know there is not a quick fix but to live in that environment day in and day out must be both mentally exhausting and infuriating. When it comes to threads about weight MN is exceptionally quick to confer victim hood status via medicalising or assigning a condition to the overweight person which suddenly makes any criticism off limits.

medicalising or assigning a condition to the overweight person which suddenly makes any criticism off limits.

It doesn't make criticism off limits, but might help to understand what's going on, and to be able to support or push him to find support and help that might actually help. Just saying stop eating won't, and assuming he's just greedy won't will it.

@FelicityFlamingo nope, never bought this up before. I post a lot on my other username about a lot of other things, but changed it for this as didn’t want my posts associated.