Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to stop eating?!

200 replies

HungryHungryHubby · 09/11/2020 22:13

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

OP posts:
Heyahun · 09/11/2020 23:28

I dunno though - like my husband used to smoke - I basically gave him an ultimatum quit smoking before we have children or I’m out - he was damaging his health and shortening his life - if the ops husband continues on this path he’s doing the same ! He might die young! He needs to stop it - I do agree that snapping at him probably won’t solve the problem - but a serious conversation needs to be had

BLASTPROCESSING · 09/11/2020 23:32

"Do you post about this a lot? You're obsessed with over eating men aren't you, based on your previous threads"

MN does love a good fat husband thread.

Crossfitgirl · 09/11/2020 23:32

I don't think you were unreasonable to snap to be honest, I think a genuine concern for his health, and endless attempts to help him with making him healthy food etc that have failed would make me snap too if I found those empty packets! I think other people have said it already, but you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves. He needs to take the first steps and have a concern for his health himself. Good luck and I hope he starts taking some responsibility x

Notcontent · 09/11/2020 23:33

I would find this really frustrating and hard to live with. Yes, he is an adult, but the reality is that this will have an impact on his health and this will have implications for the whole family. Would he be open to getting some help with this?

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 09/11/2020 23:41

Eating like this is a way to suppress feelings. I understand that you're worried about his health but you would get further by trying to understand what those feelings are and what causes/has caused them, and then helping him address that. He may not know himself, or not immediately.

HumanFemale1 · 09/11/2020 23:43

You can try to tell him but he is not going to listen.

JamieLeeCurtains · 09/11/2020 23:45

@BLASTPROCESSING

"Do you post about this a lot? You're obsessed with over eating men aren't you, based on your previous threads"

MN does love a good fat husband thread.

Oh really?

Wish I hadn't bothered replying now. This place, sometimes ...

GroundAlmonds · 09/11/2020 23:46

If the answer to eating disorders was to “snap” and tell them to stop it, there wouldn’t be any eating disorders.

YABsoU.

GroundAlmonds · 09/11/2020 23:48

@BLASTPROCESSING

"Do you post about this a lot? You're obsessed with over eating men aren't you, based on your previous threads"

MN does love a good fat husband thread.

Oh FGS really?

Actually “a small chocolate pudding each” should have been a clue. It’s too much like other phrases the food-obsessives use.

AlexisIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/11/2020 23:51

Op only has one post, this one.

There's no evidence she's a troll or serial fat poster.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/11/2020 23:56

@MaltbyMaeve

I’m also a secret eater driven by a number of factors. I’m so grateful for my wonderfully supportive DH. If he ever did what you’ve done it would push me further into the food and eating for comfort. Don’t you think he feels enough shame about it without you snapping at him and frankly trying to control his eating is going to make it 100 times worse.
@MaltbyMaeve. The OP is feeling awful for snapping so I think she’s ready to listen to advice. Can you share some of the things your DH does/ has done to support you in making healthy choices?

OP, I understand your concern and frustration as we also have a family member who’s eating herself into serious health problems. She’s now morbidly obese and it’s terrifying to see how it’s affecting her.☹️ I’ve mentioned this on other MN threads and been told to keep my nose out. Fair enough, she’s an adult and I’m not responsible for her well-being. But watching your partner and your children’s father making those choices is much harder as you’ll be directly affected by the consequences. I hope some posters have good advice to share.💐

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 10/11/2020 00:03

I'm finding a hell of a lot of mileage out of intermittent fasting, I'm on 8 hours a day eating as normal, but 16 hours of fasting. I also seem to be losing weight around my waist first, which is odd.

BrummyMum1 · 10/11/2020 00:08

You need to help him address why he’s doing it rather just telling him not to. Maybe counselling or therapy will help. Personally I see extreme over eating like any other eating disorder. The person doing it primarily needs help to improve their mental health.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2020 00:08

He will either decide to adopt a healthy lifestyle and lose weight or he will eat himself into an early grave. Either way, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

justicedanceson · 10/11/2020 00:17

My dad is very large and at times obese. He describes it has an addiction with all the underlying trauma that addiction usually comes from and is a coping mechanism for.

Living with an addict is really hard but so is being an addict. Can you talk about what he thinks might help and how he plans to hold himself accountable? Also what might be the underlying stress/emotions? You said it’s been 5 years, what happened 5years ago?

coffeelover3 · 10/11/2020 00:18

OP I'm a bit like your husband - every evening I eat after the kids are in bed, it's like a release for me. I have tried to stop, and managed it and lost weight, but it's a cycle, it's really hard to break. With your husband could he get a 'physical' i.e. a medical check over. it could be a wake up call. I'm trying now cos I know if I get corona virus I could be very ill with it... He has to get to 'rock bottom' before he will climb up though and you getting annoyed with him will only make him feel worse about himself - spoken from experience. Don't push him away, it's an illness, a compulsion, an obsession. All you can do is not to buy the stuff, save your money, so at least that isn't annoying you. You can only help him if he asks for it I'm afraid.

sociallydistained · 10/11/2020 00:20

I feel like your husband is me 😩

Has he got binge eating disorder? Have you discussed why he thinks he's doing this?
I am really struggling and I'm glad I live alone to be honest.

August20 · 10/11/2020 00:25

It's true snapping doesn't help but there is immense frustration living with someone with this kind of behavioural problem. I have had relatives eat themselves to death - this is not an exaggeration, died of complications of type ii diabetes due to an inability to follow medical diet advice.

OP there are plenty of resources out there about living with someone with problem eating and getting help. Unfortunately the person also has to want to change.

The life insurance posts made me raise my eyebrows but actually you do want good life and long term care insurance for the both of you whether or not you have health issues.

mrwalkensir · 10/11/2020 00:28

sounds like a blood sugar issue if he's going for all that sugar. Can you try getting him to low carb?

CorianderLord · 10/11/2020 00:29

He clearly needs therapy

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/11/2020 00:31

YABU snapping and telling him to stop eating, like he’s just choosing to eat and could just choose not to. It sounds like he has an eating disorder and if it were that easy to just ‘not’ there would be no obesity so how about a bit of support and empathy instead of being annoyed at him.

If you found out he’d been secretly drinking or taking drugs you’d be rightly annoyed but you’d also accept that he’s probably an addict and needed some support to stop, not just you telling him not to.

FortunesFave · 10/11/2020 00:37

I have an addiction which I've battled for years and whenever my DH goes on about it because I relapse a lot, I want to run away. Honestly...it doesn't make me more determined to stop...it just pisses me off.

It's up to me. It's smoking. Sometimes I stop for a year...then start again...last stop was two years but a stressful event and I was back to 10 a day....it's been a month of me smoking again and I will stop...I've done it before...but if DH hassles me I truly want to leave him because it's so annoying.

MiniMum97 · 10/11/2020 00:43

"You can look after your family

You can go to work

You can contribute to your family "

Not if you're dead or the overeating and obesity has caused chronic health issues meaning you are too ill to do the things you've listed. Maybe that you even require long term care yourself putting extra stain physical, emotionally and financially in your family. The effects may be longe term but that's just very short term and blinkered thinking which people are prone to do, and is why they struggle to make good choices about long term health outcomes. .

The effects of obesity may be longer term but they can be just as devastating to a family. I've worked with people with chronic and serous illness and seem what it does to couples and families.

I have persuaded my husband to both stop smoking and vaping because if something happens to him I will be devastated and it would have a massive impact on our family. I am therefore entitled to an opinion on his lifestyle choices as he is on mine.

CheetasOnFajitas · 10/11/2020 00:45

YANBU at all. He must know about your father’s death and how it affected you, and how it would affect your children if he went the same way. As someone else whose Dad died in his early fifties I can fully appreciate how much it will have influenced your perspective on life.

He is in denial and sometimes no amount of kindness and cajoling will achieve the same impact as you losing your temper with him. He is a poor excuse for a husband if he carries on regardless while knowing how much it upsets you. Can he genuinely not picture how the family would suffer if he died? You’re obviously not expecting him just to snap out of it but for him not even to admit he has a problem, it’s out of his control, that he needs help- that is inexcusable.

SpikedTea · 10/11/2020 00:58

Has anything changed for him over the last 5 years? Stress/depression/job change or loss of a loved one? Has he swapped one bad habit for another like smoking or drinking?
If it were my partner I'd be concerned for health reasons if he was over weight too. I guess having a proper talk about it and understanding why and what triggers him to over eat would be beneficial.
Is he active? Maybe suggest a sport or something physical he enjoys as a way of getting him fitter. Maybe do something together like a daily long walk or gym class. Or an online work out once the kids are in bed.
I work 50+ hours a week and shifts work but still manage to work out 3/4hrs a week either jogging/gym or doing weights and core stuff at home.
Hope you find an answer x