To tell my husband to stop eating?!

[HungryHungryHubby]

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

Iamthewombat

OH ARSE!!! Sorry about that..

Yes that was meant to be addressed to Nannewnannew

And I think that comparing the situation of a man with many advantages in life, married with a family, employed, not living in poverty etc. who prefers sweets and crisps to his health and his family, to that of a homeless alcoholic ex-serviceman is pretty distasteful. I have sympathy for the latter, but not the former.

I would say he needs professional help.
Overeating is an addiction like alcohol or drugs and there’s also overeaters anonymous. He has to want to be helped though.

Secret eating is a form of eating disorder - you don’t do it because you are happy. You do it because something else is wrong and binge eating helps you cope.
It’s a form of self harm. Your DH probably knows he is harming himself - and I am sure he feels bad, probably ashamed and guilty, about this which in turn fuels a need to do it. It’s a very addictive cycle.

Snapping that you are “sick of his eating” isn’t helpful or supportive. If his self harm was in the form of, say, cutting himself even if it did make you sick or make you worry for his health I think you might have found a better way to express your concern.

Secret eating is, in some ways, a “responsible choice” of self harm/release valve - you aren’t getting out of your head on drugs or alcohol, you don’t dice with death daily as you might with cutting, and you aren’t destroying your finances with shopping or gambling. At least in my experience you choose this method of release because you need to be able to cope with the other stresses in your life.

Consider re-approaching him from the basis of supporting his happiness. The eating is a symptom that in time becomes an additional problem- but treating only the symptom isn’t going to help him in the long term.

Who said that the OP ‘s husband is behaving as he does because he is happy?

Arguing that he is making responsible choices by scarfing party food every night is a pretty tough sell, I’m afraid. It may suit your narrative, but we’re still looking at an adult man with a wife and family behaving like a child and expecting his wife to just deal with it.

So he has some stress at work. Boo hoo. So do loads of people. Why do we have to indulge every expression of dissatisfaction and “Consider re-approaching [them] from the basis of supporting [their] happiness”? Why is his happiness more important and more worthy of support than the happiness of his wife and family?

I was this husband. Very overweight, feeling powerless, and worrying my wife.

I took control. Of my eating and my exercise. Nobody could have done it for me. No amount of frustration or kindness or whatever. Just me, making an initial decision. And then a hundred subsequent decisions each month.

Don’t fall too easily into the myth that this isn’t about choice. At the end, it is.

It may be about choice but don't fall too easily into the myth that we all have the same capability to choose.

Emeeno1

I cant see anything from what the OP has posted that indicates her husband has no capacity to choose.

There is always a but, innit.

We are all (bar few exceptions) capable of making choices. We make them all the time. The issue is that making the right choice can be fucking hard. Really hard. We fail sometimes, sometimes we don't. But the choice is there.
Unless the person makes the choice to get help/stop doing x/work on y, they are making choice not to. And no one can do anything for them really.

If you have MH issues. You have to make choice to cooperate with help or seek help.
If you have addiction. You have to make choice to cooperate with help or seek help.
If you have physical illness. You have to make choice to cooperate with help or seek help.
If you don't. Nothing can be done to help you get better (bar certain exceptions). Or at least try.

So yeah. It is about choices. And everyone is making them.

Thank you@WatchoutfortheClargonand @PaddyF0dder for sharing your stories, and for being grown up enough to deal with your issues yourselves. Good luck, and good luck OP.

I struggle with BED, binge eating and I found joining OA very helpful. There are online and zoom meetings during lockdown. Try going to the over eaters anon great Britain website.

Https:www.OAGB.org

Sorry I think i typed the link out wrong am hopeless with links even with an organisation I k ow well. Been with over eaters anon for 4 years now!

Type Over eaters Anon Great Britain into Google and it will come up with links to zoom or other online meetings.

@Iamthewombat
I think it could be as simple as saying “I’ve noticed you are doing this, are you ok, how can I help? I love you and want to help you be happy and lead a healthy life”

I’ve lived with a secret eater my whole life and the only thing that helps in my experience is approaching with support and love. I think approaching with aggression/frustration with the eater makes it worse.

If you treat yourself like shit you do probably feel like you are shit. Anger and frustration reinforces that vision of yourself. It’s hard to change without those that love you offering support.
I don’t think it’s as simple as saying “respect me, respect yourself, change” - the self respect/happiness takes a long time to build. I don’t think it’s indulgent to support someone you love through a tough change. Not everyone responds to tough love. Secret eating is such a shame-laden behaviour that I think it’s especially important to be kind and build the person up, ultimately guide them to find healthier ways of coping with the stresses on their life. It takes time. Further shaming them is unlikely to help them find the resilience they need to drop their release valve/support crutch etc.

OP’s DH is only human. Some humans cope better with stress than others. Some have learned “bad habits” to help them cope that in time need to be unlearned abs they need help from those that love them to build up their resilience.

I don’t think that he would describe his emotions during the eating as straightforward “happy” - binge eating isn’t a happy experience so I doubt he is prioritising his “happiness” over OP’s and that of his family. He probably feels like he is just hanging on, coping for the sake of their happiness perhaps?

Good luck to the OP and her DH - this is a sad place to be, but posters up thread have given good advice on where to turn for more information on BED and constructive ways forward. There is hope for change.

LazJaz, brilliant post.

No, it’s a misconceived post that encourages enabling and argues that people who behave like the OP’s husband are extra special, delicate and sensitive and can’t be criticised, ever.

I think it could be as simple as saying “I’ve noticed you are doing this, are you ok, how can I help? I love you and want to help you be happy and lead a healthy life”

The OP’s husband has been behaving like this for years. She’s tried all that. Where has it got her?

I’ve lived with a secret eater my whole life and the only thing that helps in my experience is approaching with support and love.

If the person has been a secret eater for your entire life then that should give you an indication of how effective your softly softly approach is.

Did you know that alcoholism and other addictions have been described as ‘diseases of the terminally unique’? Nobody feels anything so keenly as the addicted person, nobody understands how HARD it is and why the sufferer needs to drink, or wolf down paving slabs of chocolate. As the posters who have overcome addictions themselves eloquently explain, all the love and kindness in the world wouldn’t have stopped them. They had to grow up and address it themselves.

Yes so they have to do it themselves so would you rather deal with it with a kind ally or a shaming one? (Not referring to you op) I know what situation would make me more likely to succeed.

This is a really interesting documentary about how addictive sugar is, and how what you eat matters as much as how many calories. And how the food industry is basically pushing addictive foods onto us. Its American so obviously their food standards are lower than in the uk but there are many parallels

HeyGirlHeyBoy

The issue here though is that the OPs husband is not dealing with it. Which is why she is frustrated with the situation. I'm sure she would be supportive if he addressed the issue but he's not.

It is not her responsibility to solve this issue for him and clearly her being kind and gentle about it hasn't worked.

I'm not surprised she snapped at him, I imagine it is very frustrating watching a grown man moan about an issue he has control over, which is affecting her mental health, but does nothing about it.

I know, I do understand her frustration absolutely. I don't like the grow up and just don't do it take tho and if he has a problem that take is akin to telling someone with depression to cheer up. I am under 9st and yet so many of my waking minutes are taken up with food, how I can't eat what I want of it, how I want to, how I'll plan to etc.. It's pretty rotten.

The issue here though is that the OPs husband is not dealing with it. Which is why she is frustrated with the situation. I'm sure she would be supportive if he addressed the issue but he's not.

It is not her responsibility to solve this issue for him and clearly her being kind and gentle about it hasn't worked.

I'm not surprised she snapped at him, I imagine it is very frustrating watching a grown man moan about an issue he has control over, which is affecting her mental health, but does nothing about it
This.

He is choosing not to do anything and he is choosing to be dismissive of her concerns. Actions and choices have consequences and there's a huge difference between supporting someone through difficult issues and them expecting everyone around them to roll over, enable them and ignore the elephant in the room for fear of their response.

He could go and seek support. He chooses not to. He chooses to place endless eating above his family and partner.

I think this is awful.

Maybe he is eating to fuck you off because you are too controlling? Maybe he had an eating disorder? You can't tell someone with binge eating disorder to just stop eating and more than you can tell an anorexic to eat a sandwich. Maybe you could try some compassion and understanding.

You wouldn't get a single person saying what you did was okay if you were a man and said this to his wife or partner.

I echo what others said.

He's not your child and even then it would be wrong to do that...all you did was shame him. It's not helpful and it's upsetting.

Stop monitoring the bin for his empty wrappers. He eats secretly because he's embarrassed or because of your reaction ...or both.

He needs to want to change and lose weight himself. You can't make him.

I don't know what healthy snacks you're buying, but maybe he doesn't like them so much.

There are a few chocolate substitutes which I really like and they fill the craving ...I'm a chocoholic so I know how hard it is to avoid.

This.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2
She has tried the understanding approach, it was unsuccessful. He has to want to change so he can be with his family for as long as possible. He is choosing not to.

Wife2b
No she can't make him. But she also can't be expected to hang around, her own mental state deteriorating while he eats himself into an early grave. Everyone has a limit.
And if he wants a healthy snack he can get them himself!

*I think this is awful.

Maybe he is eating to fuck you off because you are too controlling? Maybe he had an eating disorder? You can't tell someone with binge eating disorder to just stop eating and more than you can tell an anorexic to eat a sandwich. Maybe you could try some compassion and understanding*

Maybe he should think about his family first for a change rather then himself.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I know, I do understand her frustration absolutely. I don't like the grow up and just don't do it take tho and if he has a problem that take is akin to telling someone with depression to cheer up. I am under 9st and yet so many of my waking minutes are taken up with food, how I can't eat what I want of it, how I want to, how I'll plan to etc.. It's pretty rotten.

I would say it's more like losing patience with someone who has a depression but refuses to even think of a treatment. There is simply a point when it becomes an active cho8ce to avoid it and partner's understandably lose the patience.