To tell my husband to stop eating?!

[HungryHungryHubby]

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

It's clear you have little understanding or knowledge on the subject.

WHY will I not agree with you that not everyone who eats too much is mentally ill or in the grip of this alleged addiction to sweeties?

I can guess why you are keen on the addiction narrative.

I'd say it's a fairly safe bet to suggest he's not a happy person if he's eating to excess habitually.. The situation can be improved. And the idea of saying that he prefers binging to feeling fit shows a lack of understanding of the shame he likely feels about it. I know it goes against logic and doesn't make sense but human nature often doesn't. It's all covered in the Allen Carr, and I'm sure other books.

I’ve put in a superfluous ‘not’ there. Should read:

WHY will I not agree with you that everyone who eats too much is mentally ill or in the grip of this alleged addiction to sweeties?

Excuse me @iamrhewombat what the fuck are you implying by your sarky comment "addiction narrative?"

Please enlighten me and tell me how you know so much about me?

So if he was anorexic as an example, he should just have a sandwich and stop being selfish?

I noted upthread that SOME people have genuine eating disorders. What I do not believe is the claim that all people who eat too much do so because of mental health problems, although I can see why that explanation would be appealing to some over-eaters. I’m not greedy and lacking in self control. I’m sensitive and special and nobody understands me.

I completely get that his eating disorder is a mental health issue and it is extremely real for OH and her DH.

However - as with most other addictions, illnesses whatever: until the DH is ready to start taking steps to get it under control, what is OP to do? She can carry on how she is, or she can try to mitigate her own (and her DCs own) problems this is causing.

For me - and other people may well have other approaches - it would be a combination of:
a) trying to persuade (but not "nagging" or constant harping on, but occasionally and not when he's just been bingeing) him to take the first steps to tackling his problem. And the first step is admitting it to himself. His secret bingeing seems to show that he's ashamed of it so maybe he only needs a small nudge?)
b) not buying snacks that he likes, i wouldn't want to enable his behaviour. This way he enables it only by himself
c) continuing to make normal sized healthy meals for the family - but not indulging in judging and portion control over his food. (ie. not plating up, but putting food on the table for people to help themselves)
d) being absolutely sure that i don't also have an unhealthy relationship with food (not easy - so many people do)
e) (i know pp have got their knickers in a twist over this but it is a real issue) making sure that if something untoward happened to DH that i was financially able to maintain my lifestyle

Excuse me @iamrhewombat what the fuck are you implying by your sarky comment "addiction narrative?"

Please enlighten me and tell me how you know so much about me?

Here we go. You’re losing the argument so you turn aggressive.

Let me guess: the next question will be “why do you care so much about what other people eat?”

Op can't help unless he wants to get help🤷🏻

What would you all say to someone who's husband is gambling and getting into debt over it due to addiction they refuse to acknowledge? Bin them🤷🏻 Or stay and eatch the decline.
If it's an addiction, treat him like any other addict then.

Could he have binge eating disorder? May be worth talking to a doctor if he's up for it. I'm sure he finds it very hard to 'just stop' - please read up on BED and see if it could be that.

@Heyahun

If it was alcohol instead of food everyone would tell you to leave him! 😂

I’d be so pissed if my husband was going this tbh - it’s really disgusting and unattractive and it would make me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me or the kids !

Wow - your husband is a lucky bloke 😬

Are there children involved? I can tell it was horrendous to have a dad who overate all the time. I was wondering, on a weekly basis throughout my teenage years when he’s going to die. Obesity made his untreated sleep apnea and diabetes worse, causing temper issues and us walking on eggshells. I was scared of every single longer car journey, as he had to nap twice every journey and his head would still tilt whilst driving. I’m still extremely worried of car journeys, it was traumatizing. He was morbidly obese and I hated his binges, plates overflowing with food after second helping. It made my skin crawl watching him munch it all. I often had to compete with him to get any snacks, as he’d finish it all so quick, and I often came home from hobbies to find the food or desert that was meant for me, eaten. It got to a point I was thinking why did he have children. He did change his habits when the overeating almost killed him and he ended up in hospital. I find it very hard to forgive how he only changed his habits when he had one foot in the grave, not because he would have cared about his children and them having a father. I love him loads but my childhood was traumatised because of his eating. I hope I managed to hide it well at the time. I understand he had an eating disorder but he, as a father and carer, had a duty to think of the impact it had on us.

SchrodingersImmigrant and Brefugee hit the nail on the head. OP's husband has to make the change himself. If someone chooses to ignore their problems then there's only so long they can expect their partners and families to enable them and tolerate their behaviour.

I'm not obese but I have chocolate most nights, sometimes a family bar.
Some people have alcohol, I have chocolate

Rather than focus on the problem, why not consider a solution? More exercise? Doing it together, regularly, make it part of your family life?

You have to wait until he gets there himself OP.
Believe me it doesn’t do any good otherwise.
Let it go and make sure you are as healthy as possible.

If it was as simple as him just stopping eating do you not think he would have done it by now?

It is as simple as him stopping eating loads of junk after dinner. It may not be easy, but it is simple. He just won’t do it, though, will he?

Objectively, it is ridiculous. A grown man won’t knock off the sweeties and party food that he eats before bed, even when his wife pleads with him to stop, when his health is at risk, and when his clothes don’t fit any more? How is that the behaviour of a grown up?

He might like the taste of chocolate and crave it - don’t we all - but he has to resist it. Like a grown up. If for whatever reason he persists in claiming that he is addicted to chocolate and crisps and can’t stop putting things into his own mouth, then he needs to seek help. Like a grown up.

@Cheeeeislifenow

Do some people not realise that sugar and food addiction is absolutely real? The issue is you cannot live without food but can live without alcohol or drugs. Some people have very little compassion for others.

You can't live without food. But you can live without a load of sugar and carbs, and Big Macs and chocolate and crisps, just as well as you can live without drugs and alcohol.

Some people will say they couldn't live without chocolate - but they don't actually mean that if they could never have chocolate again they'd fall off their perch.

Healthy food will keep you alive longer than chocolate.

OP's husband has to make the change himself. If someone chooses to ignore their problems then there's only so long they can expect their partners and families to enable them and tolerate their behaviour.

This.

If knows his health is at risk and he also knows he is at risk of leaving his family yet continues to prioritise food over them then the OP does not have to put up with that.

@Iamthewombat. Interesting theory, obviously you are working on the premise that every person’s upbringing and life is a blank canvas and that we all have the capacity to make the right decisions in life. There is no allowance for people having suffered trauma or DV that may affect their decision making.
I’m sure many alcoholics or overeaters don’t suddenly decide to make an addiction their career choice, look at how how many homeless alcoholics are ex military.

My dh is very similar to this at the moment, I think it is comfort eating. He is diabetic (type 2) so really shouldn't eat crap but he's unstoppable at the moment. He will eat his tea then half of a family trifle, then go back and finish the other half, and then he will eat biscuits and still go and raid the cupboard for more. I bought some chocolate multipacks last week and he ate three bars of chocolate in one go which annoyed me as they were for all of us to share as a treat through the week. Last night he had a huge portion of homemade fruit crumble and custard after his tea and then two cinnamon rolls shortly after. Then he ate some biscuits about 9 o clock followed by another chocolate bar. He will often eat a pack of sweets at bedtime, it just baffles me.
He has put weight on lately but not that noticeably and I don't know how as he does zero exercise!
When he's eating all this food I have said things like, go easy on that, make it last, I would never call him greedy or anything but he really is at the moment, he will take the last of something even though I it the kids might not have had any which annoys me, but mostly I do worry about his health. I don't honestly think you can stop someone overeating though, they've got to see its wrong themselves and get the willpower from somewhere, it really is like any other addiction.

I'd just stop buying the snacks. If he wants to buy them himself he can do as he's an adult who can make his own choices (though I understand why it's frustrating to you).

@Iamthewombat

From the what the OP said (unless I have missed something) he started experiencing more stress in his job a number of years back. That is not trauma or domestic violence. I am not sure why you are mentioning these things as we can only respond to what the OP is telling us. We don't know if there is more to it, neither does the OP by the sounds of it (obviously I could be wrong).

I am an alcoholic and severely obese. I am addressing these issues now but for years I just carried on this lifestyle because it was easier and I simply didn't care about my own health or the effect it might have on my loved ones. I chose alcohol and junk food above all else.

It sounds to me that the OP's husband is in that same mind-set (this is obviously just my own opinion).

My point was that the OP does not have to live with this forever if he refuses to acknowledge his problem, people can only tolerate so much.

You’re mixing me up with another poster. Nanewnanew perhaps? It was she who mentioned DV.

I’m the one who thinks that he should grow up and stop making excuses.

@Iamthewombat

It is as simple as him stopping eating loads of junk after dinner. It may not be easy, but it is simple. He just won’t do it, though, will he?

Objectively, it is ridiculous. A grown man won’t knock off the sweeties and party food that he eats before bed, even when his wife pleads with him to stop, when his health is at risk, and when his clothes don’t fit any more? How is that the behaviour of a grown up?

He might like the taste of chocolate and crave it - don’t we all - but he has to resist it. Like a grown up. If for whatever reason he persists in claiming that he is addicted to chocolate and crisps and can’t stop putting things into his own mouth, then he needs to seek help. Like a grown up.

But he hasn’t claimed to be addicted. A lot of posters on this thread have suggested it.

And believe me, it is NOT easy to break a carbs habit. He probably knows exactly what he’s doing to himself. I do. I know what food is healthy and how much and all the rest of it, but that very knowledge makes me feel worse, because I should - I DO - know better. And if I make the smoking/drug/alcohol addiction argument but then say well food isn’t actually as addictive as nicotine or crack or whatever, so it should be easy to just stop, why can’t I? Other people quit smoking but I can’t seem to quit food.., well now I feel even worse. I know, a cheese toastie will cheer me up. So I make and eat a cheese toastie but guess what, I feel like shit afterwards.