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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to stop eating?!

200 replies

HungryHungryHubby · 09/11/2020 22:13

Okay so long story short, my DH is a secret eater.
Every morning I’ll go downstairs and he’s stuffed crisps and chocolate packets in the bin in the hopes I won’t see them.
His BMI is in the obese range and I have absolutely no qualms about how he looks, but I do worry about his health. He’s already had a heart problem in the past and this constant eating surely isn’t going to do him any good.

I went to bed early tonight and went back down for a glass of water. On the coffee table was an empty packet for one of the big sharing chocolate bars and an entire microwave popcorn packet all finished.

We had a big, balanced dinner (meat, grains, vegetables, more than enough for a dinner) and then a small chocolate pudding each for dessert. He also takes two sandwiches and some snacks to work for his lunch.

I’ve just snapped tonight and said I’ve had enough of this constant eating. I’ve tried everything now - if I stop buying snacks, he’ll just buy a load on the way home. If I buy healthy snacks, they just get ignored. If he doesn’t take snacks to work, then I’ll find McDonald’s wrappers in the car.

AIBU to have told him to stop bloody eating so much?! I’m worried about his future and our kids being without a father if he eats himself to a heart attack.

OP posts:
nanbread · 09/11/2020 22:29

It's your fear making you snap. You're not angry, you're terrified.

Maybe try to explain that to him if you haven't already, and why you're scared.

Has he had any treatment or seen a doctor?

Pukkatea · 09/11/2020 22:31

I have a night eating disorder and waking up hungry is an enormous issue for me. During the day, I can make the choice not to eat if I'm hungry, at night when half asleep I can't. The only thing that stops me gaining weight is making a choice to eat less during the day, so if I've had a night binge I skip breakfast.

MaltbyMaeve · 09/11/2020 22:34

I’m also a secret eater driven by a number of factors. I’m so grateful for my wonderfully supportive DH. If he ever did what you’ve done it would push me further into the food and eating for comfort. Don’t you think he feels enough shame about it without you snapping at him and frankly trying to control his eating is going to make it 100 times worse.

Billynomates33 · 09/11/2020 22:39

I could be your husband.

Its probably something he's ashamed of, embarrassed of and wishes he could change. I do the same things, it's not because I'm hungry but because of anxiety.

I think you need to remove the eating from the equation and find out what's causing it.

Original poster
HungryHungryHubby · 09/11/2020 22:43

I’ve been back downstairs and apologised. I’m thoroughly ashamed for snapping at him and feel terrible. Your answers have made me realise this is probably more of an impulse or an esteem issue than choice, so thank you. When the dust has settled, I’ll try to talk to him again but knowing what I now know - and hope that we can resolve it together.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 09/11/2020 22:44

That’s really good, OP. He’ll see you are just concerned about him.

JamieLeeCurtains · 09/11/2020 22:48

Bless you, it's tough, isn't it? Flowers I really do sympathise.

I think a lot of it is about mental wellness, and your perfectly valid concerns, and living in an environment where there are these issues in the room, every day.

Heyahun · 09/11/2020 22:53

If it was alcohol instead of food everyone would tell you to leave him! 😂

I’d be so pissed if my husband was going this tbh - it’s really disgusting and unattractive and it would make me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me or the kids !

SandyY2K · 09/11/2020 22:54

You wouldn't get a single person saying what you did was okay if you were a man and said this to his wife or partner.

I echo what others said.

He's not your child and even then it would be wrong to do that...all you did was shame him. It's not helpful and it's upsetting.

Stop monitoring the bin for his empty wrappers. He eats secretly because he's embarrassed or because of your reaction ...or both.

He needs to want to change and lose weight himself. You can't make him.

I don't know what healthy snacks you're buying, but maybe he doesn't like them so much.

There are a few chocolate substitutes which I really like and they fill the craving ...I'm a chocoholic so I know how hard it is to avoid.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/11/2020 22:54

It's not unreasonable to be upset and worried for him, but I can promise you that having a go at a fat person about how much they eat will not make that person thin, or change their eating habits. It will just make them feel shit about it, and then they will eat more. (Ask me how I know...)

AcornAutumn · 09/11/2020 22:55

I’m going to say you shouldn’t mention it again

Your feelings are clear

Ultimately it’s his choice. If he feels nagged it won’t help.

SandyY2K · 09/11/2020 22:56

Has he had any treatment or seen a doctor?
For eating?

SandyY2K · 09/11/2020 22:56

Or overeating?

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2020 22:57

For eating?

For over eating to the point where his health is at risk.
I corrected it for you.
You can thank me later. Smile

Merryoldgoat · 09/11/2020 22:58

@Heyahun

If it was alcohol instead of food everyone would tell you to leave him! 😂

I’d be so pissed if my husband was going this tbh - it’s really disgusting and unattractive and it would make me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me or the kids !

Because alcoholism and overeating aren’t the same.

You’re still in control of your faculties if you eat too much in a sitting

You can look after your family

You can go to work

You can contribute to your family

What you’ve written is lazy false equivalency.

What everyone would say is that she can’t change him much like they are here though.

SandyY2K · 09/11/2020 22:59

Start researching good life insurance for him and show him what your doing.
If it doesnt help him to change his diet at least you'll be well covered.

Because this is what a loving partner would do.🙄

Meepmeeep · 09/11/2020 22:59

He might have an eating disorder. Do you think it’s easy to tell an anorexic person to start eating or a bulimic person to stop throwing up? No, it’s not as simple as that.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/11/2020 22:59

Tell him you will no longer say anything about his eating habits BUT you want him to buy more life insurance so you and the children will be fine without him.
(If he is as obese as you say, chances are he will be refused life insurance, which might make him think. When things get to normal, maybe buy a family gym membership and go as a family one or two nights a week?)

grapewine · 09/11/2020 23:01

Seeing him eat what looks like about 1,000 calories after a big dinner just genuinely makes me feel sick.

You've apologised, but I just wonder how this statement relates to concerns about his health.

Hopefully, you can manage to have a constructive conversation. If it is binge eating disorder, maybe there is help if and when he is ready. Change has to come from him.

Titsywoo · 09/11/2020 23:01

I am the same as your DH. I've done it since I was a child due to being shamed for being a bit chubby and having an appetite by my weight/appearance obsessed parents. Maybe I should deal with it but it brings me comfort. If my DH had a go at me about it I think it would be the worst thing he could do. Your DH is an adult, let him make his own decisions.

Craftycorvid · 09/11/2020 23:04

It’s frightening watching someone you love doing something that is likely to damage their health, especially when their behaviour seems irrational.

What happened five years ago? You say the problem has been around that long, and you may find some clues there.

He’s binge eating most likely for emotional reasons rather than poor habits. He probably feels ashamed of his behaviour and the ‘don’t care’ shrug might be a defence against that. We over-eat to smother painful feelings. Food can be associated with comfort for us, particularly if ‘treats’ were how the people around us as children showed love.

You sound loving and concerned, and this is draining for you. May well be worth a conversation with him about how things are more generally.

pergnet · 09/11/2020 23:06

I really sympathise OP. I'm a secret binge eater and I have had it under control to different degrees depending on my stage of life.

It is a very complicated situation. It is like drugs or alcohol, without the personality changes, but you can't just not eat. And your 'drug' is around you constantly, all the time, freely available, so you can't exactly go cold turkey. Sometimes I can't keep butter or any form of sugar in the house because I will find a way to create something to binge on even if I have been careful not to buy sweets.

Shaming your husband is not likely to help, because the situation already involves a lot of shame for him.

I would love my DH to help me though, and to help me make a plan and stick to it, but it has to start with me wanting to change. You are not being unreasonable to find overeating gross or disgusting, and you're not unreasonable to be worried about his health. It's not helpful in the long run to get angry or nasty about it with him.

Maybe you can find another time to talk more calmly and remind him that you think he's attractive and has a lot of good qualities, but that you can help him if he's interested in addressing the problem.

You can definitely see a doctor or counsellor for binge eating. There's usually underlying reasons why a person overeats, and rarely simple ones.

Coldbatteredpuddings · 09/11/2020 23:16

My DH is the same. He eats ridiculous quantities of high fat snacks, and takeaway kebab,/ Chinese/ fish shop about 2 or 3 times a week. He's gone from a 34inch waist to a 46 since I met him. I cook heathy meals but he often turns his nose up at them in favour of snacks / takeaway. It used to stress me out as I'm very worried about him dying too young or developing serious health issues but he won't change. Ultimately, he's an adult who can make his own decisions. it's his life, his body and his arteries - it's really up to him. Life has been better since I started leaving him to it - I still worry though. I guess all we can do is decide whether we can live with our DH's lifestyle choice. I love mine, I'm not leaving him so I have to learn to live with his unhealthy lifestyle.

FelicityFlamingo · 09/11/2020 23:17

Do you post about this a lot? You're obsessed with over eating men aren't you, based on your previous threads

SarahG6383 · 09/11/2020 23:27

Wow. If a bloke had posted this about his mrs he’d been torn to shreds by now.

Have you ever thought he may just be comfort eating and his mental health isn’t that great? Snapping him and making him feel ashamed isn’t the best way to go about it. My dad tried to do that to me and it caused bulimia to the point I dropped from a size 22 to a size 8 in 4 month and couldn’t keep anything down, was going to the gym for hours every day, wouldn't eat and anything I did eat I chucked up, I ended up very VERY unwell. Please be kind 💜