To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

No, not with a child.
Also you have let her before and it didn't work so it's not like you have never tried it.

All really helpful. I know I will have to have some better boundaries,I'm a rescuer and scared of confrontation.

I'm fed up with it now, I've invested so much time and worry. Had a conversation with her today, and basically it was a mass of hysterical venom against pretty much everyone who has " let her down" nobody understands, we all have our cushy lives and have basically sh!t on her. She's suffering for all our selfishness.

I ended up terminating the call.

OP... just a thought... make sure she hasn't named you as next of kin on paperwork too...

terminating the call shows you have reached your limit my lovely ... step back now 🌺

@BlueThistles yes I'm realising it is absolutely hopeless. Tragic,frustrating, makes me want to scream.

I think one of his brothers is next of kin unless it has been changed. Surely they'd need the permission of the person they nominated wouldn't they??

I cant say as it would be fairly outing as to why I've been so involved here. I just wish I hadn't. But many many years of history, and it's so hard to see how its come to this.

This disease is an absolute wrecker of lives.

Sangham - you're not being unreasonable to refuse to let your friend stay, given her sad history.

Do you know which section she's under. If it section 3 she has the absolute right to after care on discharge from hospital, under section 117 - which includes suitable accommodation if the person is homeless. My knowledge is a bit rusty, but it might even be the case that she has the right to after care if she has ever been held under S 117 - but I can't swear to it.

@Dpotter it's the one where they can detain you for 28 days,not sure what its called

My heart is wirh you.

What a tough position to be in!

I have multiple relatives with the disease and I totally understand how terrible it could be for those who care about them yet can’t take on the risks.

Terrible

You’re not being unreasonable but I would try to help her another way if at all possible. Can you look up shelters for her? Maybe contact charities or a church?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/schizophrenia/useful-contacts/

Also there are few links and numbers here that you can call and get information and help on how to support her. You probably know that already but perhaps you need someone to help you feel less burdened.

Do give them a call with your dilemma.

I would get in touch with a homeless charity and ask if they have any advice. They will have connections and resources in the community.

Also on a practical note,

If she is the type to fixate on things and make a massive story and build links

Perhaps best for you to give her something positive to fixate on. That’s what I found helpful.

Look at things she is interested in and try always change conversations with her to that.

One of my friends was into food/diets... so I would always change the topic to food and diets and different information and ideas... I would give her a mission to find out for me about specific types of herbal medicine and whatnot..

It could help her keep her mind occupied so that those intrusive thoughts don’t fester and ruminate into something delusional.

Maintain boundaries though but this is some tools for you to navigate the relationship and help her in neutral ways.

Good luck.

Sangham
28 days is a section 2. Section 3 us for 6 months and treatment is compulsory. Has your friend ever been hold under section 3?

@Temporary1234 I will contact them,thank you.

Are your relatives able to function normally at all? As in,if they are on the strong meds, are they " zombie" like ( sorry,dont know how else to describe it) or can they hold a job or relationship.

My friend has had a horrific time with her meds,has been on so many. Says she cannot tolerate the effects and so is a revolving door patient at the MH unit.

I grew up with a brother with schizophrenia and I have a bit of fear of it now. YANBU, it sounds like there are a lot of expectations from your friend and her family towards you, and I’m glad you’re not succumbing to the pressure. She’s in a safe place, they need to take care of here and if any issues her family need to sort them, not you.

@DPotter Definitely not that length of time,its a section 2 each visit. She must have had at least 10.

OP much as i hate to say this and i know you mean ... but if you start contacting charities.. you are taking responsibility for her all over again.. every one has your name etc... please disengage now 🌺

So many PP with direct experience, my heart goes out to you all. I honestly thought it was quite rare before.

*mean well

@bluethistles good point. I will not be giving my name or details.

My main fear, and I think why I'm still doggedly trying to " fix" it is her doing something to herself. She once said that if I ever got her sectioned, then she would. And it would be down to me.

I have known 2 people in my life who did become suicidal and carried it out, I couldn't bare living my life thinking that I'd " caused " anyone to do that.

I know that sounds stupid and everyone is responsible for themselves but,it still haunts me.

She has put herself in this position and is acting like an addict. Step away.

Sounds like she was guilt tripping you, OP. She’s been sectioned at least 10 times and hasn’t done anything to herself.

This would be concerning if she was a child but she is an adult in a safe place.

OP, reading your posts is quite frustrating. Once again, you are getting over-involved when you have already been giving so much good advice and almost unanimous feedback. You do seem to be getting caught up with the drama of it all, instead of actually stepping back. There is a bit of attention-seeking and saviour complex going on with you too. You should really focus on sorting out your own issues and keep out of the active current after-care arrangements. It’s not down to you to fix, you aren’t really useful to her if not actually making her situation worse long-term when there are professionals that should be sorting this out. I voluntarily work with rescue organisations and people like you, while well-meaning and from a place of concern, often cause a lot more problems and bungle up what could be straight-forward situations by interfering. And sometimes their motives aren’t entirely selfless but an ego-boost for those with a bit of a Messiah complex. She needs professional help a lot more than you botching up a better long-term care plan. Time to not add to the whole drama of it all and step aside.

It's not right of her to be evicted as a result of her chaotic behaviour caused by mental illness, of which not paying the rent could well be a part of. It's not fair on her nor you. That's what we pay our taxes for, or they should be going towards. I wouldn't let her stay. However, she does need a family member or close friend to take charge of her life and make sure that she keeps on top of her medication, her finances and her self care.

However, she does need a family member or close friend to take charge of her life and make sure that she keeps on top of her medication, her finances and her self care

but that can't be OP.,, she needs to step away completely now 🌺

You clearly care about your friend and her welfare. It must be awful for her to be so unwell. However you are simply unable to give her the kind of practical help she requires. These needs should be put firmly back into the hands of the professionals, as others have said.