Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

231 replies

Sangham · 09/11/2020 21:39

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

OP posts:
Keratinsmooth · 10/11/2020 12:27

Do not let her stay. She is very unwell, don’t under play that and how it could be a safety issue to you and your DD. It didn’t work out last time.

If she has nowhere to go tonight offer to call the MH crisis team in your area. She isn’t taking her meds and has a diagnosed very serious condition, she needs urgent intervention.

Simplyunacceptable · 10/11/2020 12:28

No, I wouldn’t. My SIL has all manner of MH and addiction issues and she isn’t allowed near our home, DH’s decision but it is a sensible one.

You have a child to consider, their safety is paramount and she sounds like a loose cannon.

BurningRose · 10/11/2020 12:44

I was going to say you're being mean but she sounds very deluded and that is very frightening for you and child. Does she have mental health support.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/11/2020 12:45

YANBU. You cannot fix her. Don't let her into your home especially with DC. You'll never get rid of her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2020 12:45

I think though that (the family) are assuming I'm " taking this on" and so have stepped back

Please be VERY careful that the hospital/Social Services don't get the same impression, especially as she'll almost certainly have told them you're happy to house her

Calling the hospital/care agencies/family/whoever is one thing once she's discharged and quite another while she's still in there and they're casting around for someone to accept the load ... in fact to avoid any "misunderstanding" I'd be calling them again and making your situation abundantly clear

It's obviously very sad that she's had to be sectioned again, but this could be her best chance of getting something properly in place - at least until it all happens again

twoshedsjackson · 10/11/2020 12:48

Not quite the same situation, but when my late mother was very ill, they tried to make me stop work to care for her by laying it on thick how unwell she was etc., and I think were a bit shocked when I asked, "If she's that poorly, why can't you find her a hospital bed?" It would have made their lives easier, one ticked off the list. I was unpopular, but surprise surprise, a bed was found, and I watched as a team of four trained carers eased her gently into a properly equipped hospital bed. It saved her a great deal of indignity and discomfort, and I actually had the chance to sleep and rest!
If they are finding it hard to cope with your friend when they have professional expertise and proper resources to back them up, what makes them think that a well-meaning friend with no professional training in dealing with mental illness is a possible solution? That's before you even embark on Child Protection issues.
Remember the oxygen mask analogy; you're no help to another passenger in an emergency, if you don't look after yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2020 12:50

Sorry, should have added that if you do speak to the hospital again, they'll most likely say they've "noted what you've told them" but then ask if you'll "just be an emergency contact ... nothing else, honest"

Beware of this too - I speak from experience - as it can be all you need for them to slot you in as her carer

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/11/2020 12:52

If you didn’t have a child I’d be more inclined to say let her stay, but your child needs to come first.

user1471538283 · 10/11/2020 13:21

You cannot subject your child to this and you cannot afford financially or for your own mental health well being to have her there. It is awful and you must feel dreadful but she needs professional, long term help

2bazookas · 10/11/2020 13:49

I wouldn't. Frankly, moving in with you won't help either her housing claim or her mental health. Living with a small child could be very stressful to her. Trying to look after their very different needs would be far too stressful for you.

jojogoesbust · 10/11/2020 13:50

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I think though that (the family) are assuming I'm " taking this on" and so have stepped back

Please be VERY careful that the hospital/Social Services don't get the same impression, especially as she'll almost certainly have told them you're happy to house her

Calling the hospital/care agencies/family/whoever is one thing once she's discharged and quite another while she's still in there and they're casting around for someone to accept the load ... in fact to avoid any "misunderstanding" I'd be calling them again and making your situation abundantly clear

It's obviously very sad that she's had to be sectioned again, but this could be her best chance of getting something properly in place - at least until it all happens again

This is correct. Harsh but true, you need to make sure the team wherever she is know that you cannot and will not take her in. I don't think you will be helping yourself by calling for updates as they will presume you will take responsibility. I work with a MH nurse who works in a MH facility and he said they cannot discharge if she will be homeless. they have a duty of care knowing she is unwell and not compliant. Step away, and let them handle it. xx
DeeplyMovingExperience · 10/11/2020 14:02

You could choose to remove yourself from the relationship and call an end to the friendship.

I have a sibling with severe MH issues (has been sectioned multiple times) and I eventually had to draw a line and move on. Too many people making assumptions and then it was suggested they could move into my house because "I have enough room".

I had to call the psych hospital and say that they were not to contact me any more, and that I would be taking a step back and did not want to be involved. It was hard, I felt terrible, but it was the right decision. I have my own family to look after.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2020 14:06

Thank you, jojogoesbust - I honestly don't think this point can be emphasised strongly enough

OP's clearly very well intentioned and may not think a "harmless enquiry" will lead to anything unwelcome, but she could easily get a nasty shock and find out she's been designated the main carer on the basis of very little. As I learned to my cost, in the desperation to get beds freed it really can happen that easily

2bazookas · 10/11/2020 14:06

People with schizophrenia have been very badly served by the reduction of hospital care in favour of so-called "care in the community." If proper , supported MH care in the community is unavailable , then the hospital she's in needs to keep her safe in their care. Possibly by extending a compulsory section. Bumping her out to you, is no more acceptable than putting her in a temporary hostel and they've already admitted she could not cope with that.

Don't be fooled by hospital pressure to take her in to your home; it's certainly not a suitable care option for her.
Suzi888 · 10/11/2020 14:08

What a horrible situation to be on, for both of you. You can’t let her stay, as heartbreaking for you as that is.
She needs proper intervention, I’d contact the council. I know there’s nowhere near the help out there that there should be.

OhDearMuriel · 10/11/2020 14:09

@Krampusasbabysitter
You are absolutely spot on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2020 14:13

Don't be fooled by hospital pressure to take her in to your home

Yes, and don't be fooled either into thinking there "nothing you can do now" if they call to say she's being discharged today to your place ... or that she's in the discharge lounge waiting for a taxi ... or worse still that she's actually in a taxi en route

Always remember that if they make inappropriate arrangements they can un-make them, no matter how impossible they might claim this is

DeeplyMovingExperience · 10/11/2020 14:21

Box-ticking and off-loading responsibility is a real issue with MH teams. Community "care" is virtually non-existent. By refusing to get involved any more, at least my sibling was then kept in the MH unit, where they rightly belong. He is incapable of looking after himself, even though the MH teams insist that he is.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/11/2020 14:31

I personally would phone them and tell them to remove any contact details they have for you. You are not her next of kin and have zero responsibility for her.

BlueThistles · 10/11/2020 18:31

OP I would stop engaging with this hospital.. they see you as the easiest option for getting rid of the bed blocker, because that's what she will be now...

Distance yourself.. Flowers

Mittens030869 · 10/11/2020 18:40

Definitely not a good idea with a young child. I’ve had to distance myself from my DB, who has serious MH issues, because of my DDs, who he used to scare by shouting at them.

I understand why you want to help your friend, but it sounds like she needs genuine professional help.

netstaller · 10/11/2020 19:49

Honestly you need to disengage with her and take a big step back, she could bring your whole life down if you are always her fall back. It's her decision not to pay rent or take her rent. She has family who are stepping back because you are her fall back. It is harsh but for the sake of your daughter you need to step back and let her family/the council sort this. She is not your responsibility and sounds like they will only intervene if you stop stepping up.

netstaller · 10/11/2020 19:50

*take her meds

CookieClub · 10/11/2020 19:54

I think you need to make it clear to the hospital that she really doesn't have anywhere to go. She is technically homeless. So either the council will have to house her, or the MH facility will have to keep her there until something comes up.
She is vulnerable. She should be assigned a social worker, ongoing MH support.

TBH I wouldn't bother with private rent, she has already proven she can't manage that as was recently evicted. Supported housing exists, places like peabody housing..she will very much fit the criteria to be eligible for that and ongoing support via social worker/support workers.

What a sad situation, MH has a lot to answer for. Ultimately, her family should be doing what you are trying to do for her...Sad

You sound like a lovely friend, well done for caring, but you cannot take her on as you will inevitably become her carer and there is a system in place to support her.

CookieClub · 10/11/2020 19:56

@Whatsnewpussyhat

I personally would phone them and tell them to remove any contact details they have for you. You are not her next of kin and have zero responsibility for her.
Yes, this too. If she's classed as not having capacity, then she needs a safe place to be discharged to...OP's is not the option here due to previous issues.
Swipe left for the next trending thread