To report a friend for fraud?

[ashbashclash]

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

Wooah! Other than circumstance you have zilch evidence. And, you do sound v envious of her money.

No. Don't do this, it's incredibly spiteful and you've zero proof.

For all you know, while he was still competent her Dad appointed her
to financial POA and told her to spend what ever she wanted in exchange for his care at home.

It's none of your business.

You have absolutely no idea if that is what she's doing.
You have absolutely no idea what they've discussed between them.
You have absolutely no idea what other money sources she may have.

@Lobsterquadrille2

If your good friend of 15 years, who has lost her mother and is caring for her much loved father, giving him birthday parties etc, actually is found to be guilty of spending his money - he is put in a care home and she is jailed (?) how would you feel? Jubilant at your suspicion being proved right? Or ashamed at breaking up a family?

Exactly. Even if she was committing fraud and given the non existant evidence it's a blooming huge if. What possible beenefit could there be in reporting it? Is the OPs end goal that he will end up in a care home beyond distraught that his one and only constant has disappeared and abandoned him???

I'd like to report a fraudulent friendship.

[quote ashbashclash]@Leaannb she has no brothers or sisters it's just her and her dad [/quote]
No there is also an Uncle who is involved and helps take care of him. Its not just her and her dad.

AAah bless... daughter emptying Dementia Daddy's bank accounts ... but it's mumsnet says it's okay because it's herself by default...

You may well be right that she is spending her dad's money. But you don't know what they may have discussed about finances, maybe they talked about this when he was well enough. Even if they did not, her dad might not mind anyway (I know my dad would be happy for me to spend his money in a similar situation). Also you say that it is just her and her dad, so anyway it is not like she has any siblings whose inheritance is being affected, it would probably all end up with her anyway. It would be different if her dad was not well looked after, but you say he is. It sounds to me like there is no real harm even if you are right, which is not a given in the first place. On the other hand, they may bother end up in a far worse situation if you report something. I suggest you stay out of it.

AAah bless... daughter emptying Dementia Daddy's bank accounts ... but it's mumsnet says it's okay because it's herself by default...

No, it's because THERE IS NO PROOF SHE IS EMPTYING HIS BANK ACCOUNTS.

@BlueThistles

AAah bless... daughter emptying Dementia Daddy's bank accounts ... but it's mumsnet says it's okay because it's herself by default...

you what?

Going against the grain here but I have had safeguarding training and many situations dont get reported because people fear they should mind their own business. Our council used a couple of true case studies, one of which was very similar to this. The outcome was that the womans daughter had been spending all her money and she died without even enough money to fund her own funeral.

Op if you raise a concern to your local council they will investigate this or at least log it. If your friend isnt doing anything wrong then nothing will come of it. They will not notify alleged perpetrator of the accusation.

I would say the friendship is probably over though sadly.

This post has made me so angry. I was in a similar position to your 'friend' - caring for my Dad 24/7 (he had dementia) which meant living with him, away from my husband, for over 2 years. I couldn't work because Dad couldn't be left, I couldn't even claim carer's allowance for various (outing!) reasons - but Dad and I agreed that he would cover my living expenses, clothes etc. This meant he could stay at home, as he wished to, and die at home, which was also what he wanted. It was a damn tough 2 years. I am an only child, it was only my own inheritance I was using to cover Dad's and my expenses, and it was what suited us. It was absolutely no one else's business and I would have been beyond hurt and distressed had any 'friend' implied I was misusing Dad's money. Get your nose out!

If you have no proof you really shouldn’t get involved

Even if she was being funded by her dad

• she's undoubtedly able to work fewer hours than she otherwise would, due to her dad's care needs
• you can be certain that this is still working out cheaper than a care home (£1000 PER WEEK+)

Mind your own.

You cant just assume she is committing fraud because she seems to spending more than she earns. You don't know what she earns to the penny! You don't know her situation, her rent, her bills or what she eats. She could be saving in one place and splurging on another!

Huh? Firstly you have no proof of anything and secondly - if she’s his only daughter then it could be quite likely that they had this conversation. Where do you think he would want his money to go?

Wow you sound delightful.

Grim

You sound like a dreadful friend.

People who jump to conclusions are the WORST, nevermind those who contemplate running to the Police with NO PROOF that any crime has been committed at all!!

Have you considered that your friend may be getting a carers allowance? Or that the family agreed a fee for her services to be paid by her father?

I hope your friends susses you and dumps you off.

If the O P is the sole beneficiary, I wouldn't have thought the dad would be worried about her spending his money, I wouldn't be if I was in his situation. As long as he is well looked after what else is he going to do with the money? The people who will lose out would be the council, if his money is spent and he needs to go to a care home, they would have to fund it instead of using the Dad's savings. As long as the Dad is well looked after I would let her get on with it. If the Dad was being neglected, I would ask social services to look into the care, not the money, as you have no idea on what the Dad agreed with his daughter.

You said the mum had died, so maybe she received some inheritance from her death?
Maybe she has loans/credit cards, or is in masses of debt from overspending?
Maybe she spends because shes emotionally burnt out from having essentially 'lost' both her parents, because unless you've cared for someone with dementia, you have NO IDEA how soul destroying it is to become unrecognisable to your loved one.

Also, she is likely to be receiving carers allowance.
Maybe she has savings from previous earnings/divorce or similar?

You said yourself that her Dad is very well looked after and cared for.
IF, and this is a big IF, she was doing the worst...it's not like she has any sbling she is stealing the fathers inheritance from...he can't take it with him when he passes, so as long as he's well cared for, free from abuse and she is doing her best...you honestly need to back off with your jealousy, you sound like a spiteful bitch and have no right to call yourself her friend

Things I know from this post

1. You're a shit friend
2. You don't know as much as you think you do
3. You're jumping to conclusions to fill the gaps
4. I hope I don't know you

This post has made me so angry. I was in a similar position to your 'friend' - caring for my Dad 24/7 (he had dementia) which meant living with him, away from my husband, for over 2 years. I couldn't work because Dad couldn't be left, I couldn't even claim carer's allowance for various (outing!) reasons - but Dad and I agreed that he would cover my living expenses, clothes etc. This meant he could stay at home, as he wished to, and die at home, which was also what he wanted. It was a damn tough 2 years. I am an only child, it was only my own inheritance I was using to cover Dad's and my expenses, and it was what suited us. It was absolutely no one else's business and I would have been beyond hurt and distressed had any 'friend' implied I was misusing Dad's money. Get your nose out!

Please suck up every word of this, OP.

Awful.

Urggh! You really need to work out what's going on in your life that makes you so bitter and twisted OP.

Then put your energy into fixing it.