To report a friend for fraud?

[ashbashclash]

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

He does have a brother. Maybe he gives her some money. Maybe he is in charge of the finances. Who knows.

So you've no concerns about her dad's welfare, he is well looked after and she clearly loves him, so I don't understand what the problem is. Now if she was spending his money and neglecting him that would be different, but she's not, so just leave it.

This will not go down well but my feeling is this. He will not recover from dementia, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, he may have said when compis mentis that she will ultimately get it, she may have power of attorney (very likely if he is senile), and very likely she may get it in his will, she needs it more now than when he is gone. On top of all this she loves him dearly and he is well looked after. He can't exactly spend it himself can he?

You have no idea the absolute hell of taking care of a parent with dementia. I hope you never do. Mind your own business

I hope she sees this!!!! You have no idea about her money situation, she could be receiving carers allowance on top of her wages. You say she loves her dad dearly but here you are accusing her of stealing from him. There are such things as credit cards. Fraud is a serious accusation that could destroy both of their lives!

Is he noticeably suffering? No. At some point its likely there will be no other option than a care home. So leave them alone OP. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself by now.

I agree no proof and you say it doesn't take a lot to work it out . I'd say it's a pretty big jumping to conclusions.
You may be right but you also may be very very wrong .
If you are a friend offer her support instead of plotting to report her for something very malicious with no evidence.
I wouldn't even report a neighbour or acquaintance without any proof but a friend , that's actually really bad op . .

@ashbashclash I feel you have been unfairly jumped on.

As a lawyer dealing with the elderly and vulnerable, I think it is a good thing that you have noticed things are awry.

If you have real concerns, I would suggest contacting the Office of the Public Guardian. If your friend has an LPA for her father, then they can conduct an investigation.

If you know that she does not have an LPA, then you can contact Adult Social Care and raise a concern with them.

Wow - jealous much.

Gosh this is awful, imagining your friend is robbing her own father and then wishing to report her for it so she gets in investigated and gets more stress,

You’ve no clue if she’s spending his money and yes it does take a lot of working out.

If she is spending his money now rather than waiting to inherit, why should you care? What would he spend it on? If she looks after him well and he loves her, don't you think it's likely he would want to treat her (as in, he may have given her permission when more lucid previously).

As a lawyer dealing with the elderly and vulnerable, I think it is a good thing that you have noticed things are awry

As a lawyer I’d expect your reading comprehension to be faster than is being displayed she’s not noticed anything going awry, she’s simply thinking her friend has a great lifestyle she should not be able to afford and as such she must be stealing from her father.

The only thing that makes you think she's stealing from her dad is that she seems to spend more than you think she earns? Nothing else? There are literally hundreds of other reasons she could have that money - she might earn more than you think, she might have inheritance or an insurance pay out, she might be in debt, she might even have won the lottery.
If you want to destroy a friendship and put a probably completely innocent woman who is caring for her dying father through a traumatic investigation then go for it. I wouldn't.

As a lawyer dealing with the elderly and vulnerable, I think it is a good thing that you have noticed things are awry

But theres nothing awry at all. The whole sum of evidence appears to be that the OPs friend is living a better lifestyle than the OP thinks she should be able to.

1. If she wasn't looking after her father, then it would be different but as you say, he's well looked after and she loves him dearly.

1. If you had proof that she's doing what you suspect, then it would be different but you don't.

There's really nothing for you to do here but talk to her as your friend and ask how she's coping.

Mind your own business. You have no proof whatsoever that she is actually spending his money.

Ask yourself what you expect from reporting unfounded concerns.

1. For her father to have no carer who, as you say, looks after him well and loves him dearly.

1. For her to be miserable while looking after her father. Perhaps to stop enjoying life and cry all day?

With friends like you OP who needs enemies. Wow.

And if you report her and she goes to prison are you going to step in and care for her much loved & well-looked after father?

I don't understand why you would assume it is fraud unless you have evidence of fraud?

You can report if you want but you must not remain 'friends' if you do as that would be hypocritical beyond measure.

Wow you sound absolutely vile. You cannot refer to yourself as this woman’s friend ever again. You know nothing at all about this families finances, if she has POA, if she had been given early inheritance or anything. You obviously have no understanding of dementia and the measures that people put in place when diagnosed. You should be ashamed of yourself!

@ashbashclash

I'm not jealous and I don't have any concerns over her dads welfare. He is well looked after and I know she loves him dearly.

Then why are you wanting to report her? There are literally no concerns besides her spending above what you deem acceptable. Smacks of jealousy

Wow. With friends like you who needs enemies?

Spiteful, underhanded and nasty.

I hope your 'friend' finds out what kind of person you are and drops you like a hot brick.

With a friend like you this lady doesn't need anymore enemies.

I'm not being funny but why is it obvious where the money is coming from?

It sounds like her outgoings are quite low, my mum gets a carer's allowance for my dad which is a fair chunk a week, she also works and she may have credit cards too.

I do understand your concern for a vulnerable elderly person, but I can't tell without knowing far more about the situation than possible if it is just your personality causing this perspective you have, or if there are genuine reasons to be concerned.