To report a friend for fraud?

[ashbashclash]

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

@ashbashclash

It just didn't add up that's it. I don't have any details of her finances just her particular job wouldn't be paying more £200 a week and she seems to spend more. I'm not jealous.

I really really wouldn't bother to do this...

I would, if you're that bothered, do a bit of underhand 'spying' but I do think your 'friend' and her DF have some sort of arrangement whereby the friend is being helped out.

My nana and her DD (my DM) had an arrangement where DGM paid my DM the carer's allowance, helped out in other ways etc. No one else's business but their own but they told the other DD.

Like i said I've decided against it.
I would actually feel guilty incase it caused her any more stress.

I’d he’s well looked after and she loves him dearly as you say why on Earth would you report her?! It’s incredibly hard work caring fir someone 24/7, I know I do it. She’s entitled to take house keeping from him. It would cost upwards of £1,000 for a care home so she’s doing the government a huge favour by caring for him. Carers allowance is £65 a week!

@ashbashclash

Like i said I've decided against it. I would actually feel guilty incase it caused her any more stress.

So what will you do now? Carry on being 'her friend'?

I think I'd get my jealousy issues sorted out if I were you if you wish to carry on being such a good friend to your friend. She really does need your support and true friendship, especially during a pandemic.

You are no friend
Viper in fact
Stop seeing her you two faced

@ashbashclash

Like i said I've decided against it. I would actually feel guilty incase it caused her any more stress.

So you flipping well should. I don't know why you even thought of it! You are not this woman's friend.

Your ‘friend’ wow!
You horrible horrible person

@Thisisworsethananticpated

You are no friend Viper in fact Stop seeing her you two faced

It is actually quite worrying that some people (I'm guessing this is quite common) are actually like this, deeply suspicious but obviously with jealousy issues.

I had a friend a few years back who was the main carer (live out) for her DM who had dementia but employed a private carer who did the 'medical/lifting etc work'. She did all the donkey work of caring and was youngest of 7 children, most of whom did nothing at all bar from a sister who cared a little bit for her DM. Not once would I or our other friend have thought to think that this friend was defrauding her DM, her and her DM's financial affairs were their own affair. The friend in this issue had a 'nice life' too but was moreorless self employed because it enabled her to help her DM and keep tracks on the private carer.

I'm not jealous.
It was never about that.
I just thought she was living above her means that's it.

@ashbashclash but why is it your business if she is living above her means, you could have a friendly word about debt etc, although I'd tell you to but out.

But to even consider reporting her........ wow

With friends like you who needs enemies? Jesus

You’d have to report it to social services for financial abuse.
They may check to see if he’s in good health and she’s caring for him, buying him whatever he needs etc.
Does she live with him? If he’s taking care of all the bills (because it’s his house) then she may well just be spending all her own cash on whatever she wants. Alternatively maybe they’ve had a long standing agreement that he doesn’t want to go in to a care home and she will take care of him whatever happens.
Caring for someone with dementia is hard, really hard. Shopping might be her only bit of freedom from watching her dad deteriorate.
I think you’ve said he’s well cared for etc, if he wasn’t you’d be right to report any abuse and neglect.

People come here for advice, to listen to different points of view, seek knowledge. Why so much nastiness. Covid making everyone crazy!

I live above my means but I don't steal money from anyone. Have you offered any support in looking after her dad.

Why haven't you answered any of the posts asking why you thought to do this and what it would achieve?

@ashbashclash

She's your friend. Why haven't you asked her where she gets all her money from/how she can afford the things she buys?

I'm afraid that I haven't read the whole thread, but you can't report somebody without any concrete proof.
You don't sound like a good friend at all.

Well obviously if she has been doing what I think ,I would hope it would be rectified.
Whether that be her having to pay all the money back or her realising what she was doing was wrong.
I'm assuming they would make her pay it back.
That's all I would want .

@Eckhart i have asked her,how she does it ?
She became awkward and didn't answer

As you said in your opening post @ashbashclash you wondered in her father would be moved to a care home facility....,

Yet you still thought about reporting her?

She cares for him 152 hours a week. She doesn't have to do it for free. Many people pay family members to look after their kids.

And as she probably has power of attorney over his finances and his care, she decides what's best for him and what care would offer the best value. So maybe she decided to take a wage so that she can be there for him. I think that's OK.

She most likely became awkward because a lot of people don’t like to discuss their personal finances with anyone outside of immediate family. I’d have found it extremely intrusive to be asked something like that. Especially if there was any hint of jealousy/spite/whatever other nasty motivations might prompt such a question, which going by this thread there very well could have been.

You know the money doesn’t get paid to you for ratting on her if it’s true

Also, maybe when you asked her how she does it she got awkward because as I’ve seen from other threads, British people don’t often take kindly to be questioned about their finances even by friends!

Like I've said many times I'm not jealous
I think she must spend whatever money Is left each week.
That's just my opinion,I might be wrong but I might be right.
Yes I did think if I reported she should pay it all back,I don't think it's right.
Anyway I'm not gonna do it now anyway.

There will have been some negative motivation for you to ever think this was a reasonable way to treat a ‘friend’; it would never even cross my mind to think this way about a good friend who works part time and also cares for a parent with dementia.

[quote ashbashclash]@Eckhart i have asked her,how she does it ?
She became awkward and didn't answer [/quote]
It's no wonder she felt awkward with you trying to pry into her finances