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Original poster

To report a friend for fraud?

422 replies

ashbashclash · 09/11/2020 14:17

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 20:36

Nobody is blind to financial abuse but there is zero evidence other than the OP thinks her friend spends too much money.

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 20:40

Screenshot of the letters or it didn't happen.

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 20:41

Oops wrong thread. There are a few nasty reporting threads today.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/11/2020 20:42

A lot of posters here really need to open their eyes ...

Oh, it happens. It would be naive to assume it didn't. But deciding that it surely must be happening on no other basis than the cynical eye of a less than wellmeaning bystander - not least reporting that assumption to the authorities on nothing more than whim and suspicion - appears less motivated by concern than by gratuitous cruelty or at best, interference, meddling and innuendo.

You don't make serious accusations like this against someone without a much stronger basis than you've decided - without any evidence at all and merely on casual observation and assumption - that someone is 'spending more than she earns'. That's simply outrageous.

Munkers · 09/11/2020 20:43

If you have something to say, you owe it to your friend of 15 years to say it to her face instead of being a coward and reporting her with no evidence, based purely on speculation. She’s already lost her mum and her dad has an incurable illness. Do you want her to suffer even more? You are not a true friend.

Tink51971 · 09/11/2020 20:44

@manxiouscat. I think local authorities must look at direct payments/budgets differently, I have clients whose families look after them and they get far more than 35.00 a month, and it is their only income, but then I suppose its how many hours a week a family can support their loved one. Yes we view residential as a last resort, and unfortunately residential care is inevitable for some, when the illness becomes too much for the family to manage.

LilacPebbles · 09/11/2020 20:50

She sounds like she just leads a normal life. A concert, normal shopping, not even expensive...get a grip. Take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself where your bitter feelings have come from over your stressed carer friend who doesn't even lead an aspirational lifestyle.

OllyBJolly · 09/11/2020 21:49

DSis gave up her job to look after my dad when he was ill. My siblings (two of whom lived abroad) constantly asked to see DF's bank statements, outgoings, what food he was getting. Continuously accused DSis of "stealing our money". She had two preschool DCs, her DH was not a high earner, so only fair she was using some of DF's pension to cover his food.

I know she didn't take more than she needed. But even if she did, in my view she was welcome to it as we weren't the ones cleaning up when he had soiled himself in front of the children, or calming him down when he was having hallucinations due to cancer drugs.

I'm just glad DSis had better friends than the OP. She needed that support.

candle18 · 09/11/2020 21:53

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if you’ve answered this. Is she an only child? Does her dad need anything that he’s not getting? If her dad has everything he needs and she’s not doing any siblings out of a future inheritance then I wouldn’t be concerned. If I was her dad I would rather she spend it than it end up paying for my care home.

Newfornow · 09/11/2020 22:00

Wow some friend you are.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 09/11/2020 22:00

Jesus Christ.

She only has her Dad, she has no siblings. She looks after him, he's gaooy, lived & well cared for.

Why would you think her Dad would give a flying fuck what she spends the money in as long as they're both happy.

She's lost her Mum, she's effectively lost her Dad.

Would I do it - no
Would I care if one of my kids did it - no (as long as it didn't mean the others were left with nothing)

What would you hope to gain out of reporting her?

I know you've said you're not going to...but not sure I believe you. It would be a truly nasty thing to do

Eckhart · 09/11/2020 22:11

@candle18

If I was her dad I would rather she spend it than it end up paying for my care home

That would mean the state would have to pay for his care. It's equivalent to saying 'Why should I use my own money when I can get state benefits?'

That's why they regard this sort of thing as deprivation of assets, so the money you've given away is still counted as your money when they work out how much you need to contribute towards your care. You can get in a right mess if someone else is burning up your money when you're on the brink of needing care.

www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/financing-care/gifting-assets-and-property/gifting-assets-what-are-the-rules-alp865l0wlum

saraclara · 09/11/2020 22:14

There are some incredibly spiteful posts on here. It's appalling and people should be ashamed of themselves.

I've posted myself to say that I don't think it's worthy of reporting, but really, is there a need to call the OP some of these terrible names?

People with dementia DO get taken advantage of, and yes, this woman might be doing that. It's far from clear that she isn't. So there's absolutely no need to be as vitriolic as some posters are being.

Eaumyword · 09/11/2020 22:14

I'm convinced these threads are wind-ups.
We had the one where the male neighbour had a woman over and should they be reported-turned out the OP had a grudge against the neighbour. Then the one at the gym, where OP couldn't get through to the Council so she thought she'd report her Council worker acquaintance whom she felt was spending too much time at the gym.
Now a good friend of 15yrs potentially being reported for something she may or may not have done, that isn't the friend's business, as the relative is clearly much loved and well cared for.
The OP has said she will not report now. Good to hear, but concerning people like that are out there. It's all a bit 1944 for my liking.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/11/2020 22:18

People with dementia DO get taken advantage of, and yes, this woman might be doing that

& She might not be. It's her Dad NOT OP's dad, and OP has no proof whatsoever she's just sticking her beak in sounding envious of friend and as if she wants to step into her friend's shoes, so is keeping close.

Put up a spiteful post, expect spiteful replies.

Lolwhat · 09/11/2020 22:22

Keep your beak out, don’t just assume things

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 22:24

people with dementia DO get taken advantage of, and yes, this woman might be doing that. It's far from clear that she isn't. So there's absolutely no need to be as vitriolic as some posters are being

It’s far from clear she is. In fact I’d go further there is absolutely nothing to suggest she’s robbing her father, other than the op is envious of her social life.

Spiderbaby8 · 09/11/2020 22:25

There are some incredibly spiteful posts on here. It's appalling and people should be ashamed of themselves.

People who would disrupt someones life and accuse them of something with no proof should be ashamed of themselves. It could cause untold damage to the friend and her father.

candle18 · 09/11/2020 22:26

@eckhart. Totally get what you’re saying but lots of people spend their money, give it to their family or put money In trusts etc and avoid care home costs. Not saying it’s right but I would still rather make sure my children were okay financially and you are allowed to give gifts of £3000 per year before it’s seen as avoiding care home costs.

Arielsgift · 09/11/2020 22:34

It's pretty spiteful to want to report someone based on no evidence whatsoever. The only 'evidence' being spouted is that it "sometimes happens to other people".

Maybe if the OP spent less time plotting to cause extreme anguish and turmoil for her 'friend' and her father, people wouldn't be so annoyed and hostile.

saraclara · 09/11/2020 22:35

The OP has already got the message and she's not going to report. Yet people are still piling on and calling her names.

This has just become a bullying thread now.

Bookworming · 10/11/2020 07:10

How about you offer support rather than try and cause her trouble.

Or better still stop being her "friend"?

icedgem85 · 10/11/2020 07:57

'Good friends'!?? Wow, I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies. How spiteful and awful you're even thinking of reporting her.

You have no proof she's even doing this, and if she is spending some of his money how do you know that he isn't insisting she goes to treat herself in his lucid moments (not that it sounds like she's being particularly extravagant). My aunt used to spend some of my nan's money when she was caring for her and so what? She's spending all her time there, time that she could have been working to earn more money and we know my nan wouldn't have begrudged her that money! If she was spending like there's no tomorrow and not caring for him, and you think that money should be funding his care, that's a different thing altogether. Even so, mind your own business. x

KaptainKaveman · 10/11/2020 08:02

I think you should report her, OP. Then hopefully this woman will get wind of your envy and venom, and drop you like a stone. I know I would.

Do you have any other friends or have you betrayed them all as well?

CleverCatty · 10/11/2020 10:09

@saraclara

There are some incredibly spiteful posts on here. It's appalling and people should be ashamed of themselves.

I've posted myself to say that I don't think it's worthy of reporting, but really, is there a need to call the OP some of these terrible names?

People with dementia DO get taken advantage of, and yes, this woman might be doing that. It's far from clear that she isn't. So there's absolutely no need to be as vitriolic as some posters are being.

Agreed to a certain degree but a close friend of 15 years shouldn't be thinking of reporting this friend when there's almost zero evidence to do so.

She's sounded fairly detached from it whilst she's been posting about being willing to shop her friend.

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