To let DD sleep in my bed when she asks?

[ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble]

I was talking to a friend earlier and she mentioned that DD(nearly 9) sleeping in my bed every now and then is just "not right anymore". I asked her to explain what she meant and it was just generic waffle about her being too old, just not being right and her needing more independence.

She normally asks about one a week,at the weekends. She stays up a bit later and we watch things together,or read,or chat . Other than that it's if she's had a really bad nightmare or she's really poorly. OH sleeps on the sofa on those nights, which he is happy to do.

I don't mind either way.

So AIBU and she's just too old and I should say no.
Or AINBU and it's fine ?

It's not fair on your partner to sleep on the sofa when your daughter has her own bed so yes YABU.

Your friend is being ridiculous. Dd gets in with us every now and again, probably same circumstances you describe. We do have a really big bed though so noone needs to be consigned to the sofa

I don't think it's fair on your partner, sleeping on the sofa at least once a week isn't great. Would it be possible to get a double bed / trundle bed for her room so you could share without your partner being consigned to the sofa?

He doesn't get consigned to the sofa. We have a king size bed, so we can all easily fit. He just prefers it. Sometimes he'll sleep on it even if DD isn't in my bed. He'll stay up late watching movies or crime shows or whatever.

Sometimes he'll say himself "I'm coming in late tonight /want to watch x/ had a pint(or 5) so DD can sleep with you if she wants."

I understand why posters are focusing on this though, and fair enough.

But is there anything "not right" as my friend put it about DD sleeping in my bed at her age?

No there isn't. You're fine, OP.

It’s fine and if your partner wants to sleep on the sofa that is his choice

DS was still occasionally coming into my bed at 12 he wanted to be close there isn’t anything wrong with that (not the he cuddled up to me)

Now he comes into my bed to have his morning tea and totally ignores me as he is on his phone but he wants to be close which is perfectly normal

But is there anything "not right" as my friend put it about DD sleeping in my bed at her age?

Of course not. She'll decide in her own time when she doesn't want to share any more. Although I still think a double bed in her room is a good idea.

My dd sometimes sleeps in with me, after a nightmare, or if she can’t sleep or is anxious. DH just goes into her bed. She is 13. My older dd does the same if she has spotted a huge spider in her room and we fail to find it ! grin
I hate this “too old” thing. Your child wants the cosyness and reassurance of being in with you, all of you are happy with that, it is fine. Also will give her lovely memories when she is older.
A few years ago I read an interview with Jo Whiley , she has an enormous bed and any or all of their four children, some of them young adults, cuddle in there to watch films etc and fall asleep. Lovely !

No there isnt anything "not right", your friend is being a dick. Its something that seems to provoke strong opinions in some people so now you know where she stands just dont mention it again and enjoy the time with your daughter.

My DD is 11 and when my husband is working away we often have a sleepover in my bed - we snuggle up and watch a movie together and chat, its lovely. Probably happens 1-2 times a month. If shes throwing or upset like when her gran died she will sleep with me anyway and DH gets in dsds bed. Cant imagine why it would be 'not right'

My husband used to be like that OP, I get it.
We had a HUGE sofa, and it was better than me saying "turn over! Stop snoring!" So he would sleep on the sofa once a week, DS in our bed.

I don't see the problem.

Yanbu. Your partner is happy, your dd is happy and your friend needs to mind her business.

Sounds fine. Your friend has possibly had something negative in her life that makes her wary or even unaware of appropriate boundaries or is just very uptight and conflates beds with sexual activity.

Of course it's fine. She will get to an age when she wont want to do it anymore and believe me that will come all too quick.

My 11 year old sometimes clambers in with me if she wants to feel close/safe. I’m single so don’t have the OH issue.

My problem is sometimes all 3 will get in one by one and it ends up feeling like sleeping in a pile of puppies, good job it’s a super king

Seriously ignore your mate, it’s really fine and actually quite lovely, I’ll miss tiny bed warmers when they are teens

She is only little! I love it when we have a night with the children in our bed.

Never understood why people worry about partners/husbands sleeping alone yet we expect young children to!

My child is same age as your’s op.

Your friend is being unreasonable, I went through guilt about allowing my child sleep in my bed every now and then until I realised that these years go by so quickly and we never know how long we have.

It’s such a natural thing to want to be close to your mum as a child and there are so my ways to teach independent and so much time. Enjoy the snuggles op, the time goes by so fast.

The issue is very much with your friend, and not with you.

When my grandad died I went to see my mum, to offer support. She asked me to sleep in her bed with her. I was 26. I never thought it was weird for one second.

I personally like to set boundaries with my kids, so I probably wouldn't have my kids in my bed just because it was the weekend, as you have mentioned here, but those boundaries are for me, because I like my own space. Nothing to do with it being " not right" or my kid having to learn a lesson about independence. (And if one of my kids has a nightmare or is sick then there is no way in hell I wouldn't let them get into my bed if that's what they wanted.)

Co-slept with DD when she was a baby. She’s 10 and comes in with me at a weekend about once a fortnight. It’s lovely. We usually have breakfast in bed the following morning and watch a film/bake off together. She’ll chatter about school/music/books she’s reading. It’s lovely.

I genuinely don’t understand the rationale that a baby/toddler/child should be happy to sleep independently at all times when the accepted norm for adults is to share a bed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU
All fine. There is no such thing as too old. My dd slept with me after struggling to get back to sleep at 3am. She’s 12 and slept in my bed for years after we were burgled. He came in the bedroom whilst I was in bed and dd was in hers.

It's just so normal for us, I never questioned it or wondered /worried if it's right for her, so this has really thrown me.

As for independence, she's confident and happy going to (has been since day one at preschool), happy to go on day long play dates or days out with her friends and her parents. The only thing she won't do is sleepovers, which is more hypothetical as we have never had a proper invite for one.

My 13 year old still likes to sleep in my bed when DH is on nights. I can't see a problem with it at all.

Thank you for all the replies. Not necessarily because you agree with me,but because you've reassured me I'm not in some way harming her by agreeing to it.

She’s your child and it’s up to you. Your friend needs to keep out if other people’s business!

I personally wouldn’t encourage it (here) because mine have slept so well in their own beds from toddlers, so it would be pointless to start allowing them in my bed now. My DH isn’t their dad either so that’s another reason I wouldn’t let them in my bed, although they never ask.

For me I would be worried that it got too familiar and frequent so I wouldn’t even want to start it. Plus I’m no good with no sleep 😂

But whatever another family does is no concern of mine and if they’re happy then great.

Yanbu, it's fine OP. As long as your dd has the option of her own bed and is choosing to come in with you, there is no issue.

Children do not become more confident and independent as a result of their parents pushing them away. They become confident and independent as a result of having secure attachments and knowing that their needs will be met.