To let DD sleep in my bed when she asks?

[ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble]

I was talking to a friend earlier and she mentioned that DD(nearly 9) sleeping in my bed every now and then is just "not right anymore". I asked her to explain what she meant and it was just generic waffle about her being too old, just not being right and her needing more independence.

She normally asks about one a week,at the weekends. She stays up a bit later and we watch things together,or read,or chat . Other than that it's if she's had a really bad nightmare or she's really poorly. OH sleeps on the sofa on those nights, which he is happy to do.

I don't mind either way.

So AIBU and she's just too old and I should say no.
Or AINBU and it's fine ?

So why is it okay, in your opinion, for 2 grown adults to routinely bed share

Because in this situation one of the adults is getting kicked out of bed to accommodate the 9 year old.

Oh yes Jenstar123 you are completey right. If a 9 year old has started their periods they shouldn't need their mother at all, let alone be in their bed on the odd occasion. In fact they should be starting their own families now they have reached puberty, right?

Dtds are 9 and sometimes I have sleep overs in their beds (not often). They can come in my bed too. They went want to at some point but right now, if they want cuddles I say yes, and my bed?Well, sometimes I say yes too but not every time. No idea what others do but I don’t discuss as I don’t care about their opinions. Dd1 is 12 and has probably only Slept in my bed 5 times ever. Different dc different needs!

Simplyunacceptable RTFT. The OP has already explained 3 times he is not getting kicked out of the bed

@Jenstar123

Out of interest at what age would you think they are ‘too old’ because some 9 year old girls have already started their periods and pubity. Sleeping in mummy and daddy’s bed is a toddler and young child behaviour that they should be encouraged out of. My 10 year old would be mortified if I suggested sleeping in our bed!

I don't have an age. As long as they're comfortable with I guess. She's imposing her own boundaries as she goes and we respect that.

Should add dh and I are on the same page with this. Occasionally I wake in the night wanting a cuddle and I turn to dh for reassurance. Why the fuck would you deny that to a 9 year old?

I would have no problem with this. My DH has insomnia so he is often in lounge and on sofa. I wouldnt mind at all the if my son wanted to sleep in our bed. If probably love it haha

What harm do the ‘not right’-ers think it’s going to do? I just think of how most social animals will snuggle up to each other for warmth and comfort. It’s pretty instinctual.

She's imposing her own boundaries as she goes and we respect that.

Erm shouldn’t YOU be imposing the boundaries as her parents?! Fair enough if you both are fine with the bed sleeping but in general you should be setting the boundaries
not letting your child do as they want.

Can the people saying it's odd please explain what is actually odd about it?

I'm not looking for a debate, I'm just genuinely curious because I honestly can't see a reason.

@Simplyunacceptable

So why is it okay, in your opinion, for 2 grown adults to routinely bed share

Because in this situation one of the adults is getting kicked out of bed to accommodate the 9 year old.

No is jumping or kicking anyone.

Sometimes OH will say "oh I'll sleep on the sofa for x/y/z reason , if DD wants to sleep with you she can" . Some nights DD will ask ,long before anyone is in bed if she can sleep with me , he says no if he doesn't want her to.Some nights(in the school holidays) we'll have sleepovers on the sofa,stay up late watching movies ,giggling and messing about with a lazy morning the next day and OH will have the bed all to himself.

why doesn' t he sleep in her bed instead?

@Jenstar123

She's imposing her own boundaries as she goes and we respect that.

Erm shouldn’t YOU be imposing the boundaries as her parents?! Fair enough if you both are fine with the bed sleeping but in general you should be setting the boundaries
not letting your child do as they want.

Her boundaries as to her body,growing up ,developing etc. As you mentioned puberty,periods,being mortified etc.

Oh just enjoy it. Nothing wrong with what you describe at all. One day soon when it's right for her she'll grow out of it but no need to make a big issue of it.

The reality is no it’s not the norm for a 9 year old to be sleeping in with their mum and kicking their dad out on the sofa on a weekly basis. Your friend pointing this out has obviously hit a nerve else you wouldn’t have jumped on MN to post about.

At least you've got a big bed.

Me and my brother used to squeeze into our nanas single bed with her. When we all moved rooms (very boring complicated story) and she got a double bed, it was like all our Christmas's came at once. There was loads of room.
It always had to be nanas bed, mum and dad's just wasn't the same.

I share with dd (11) when we go on holiday abroad, but she moves so much in her sleep- i woke up through the night once on holiday and couldn't find her. She was lengh ways across the bottom of the bed 🙄

And just something to mention that the legal advice for siblings of a different sex is to have their own bed at the age of 10. I think it’s assumed they wouldn’t be jumping into bed with mum/dad weekly.

I used to get in my parents bed sometimes when one was away, can't remember how old. If your daughter was incapable of sleeping without you at this age, that could be a problem. But what you've said sounds nice and from all the responses here is quite normal.

*bedroom

@Jenstar123

And just something to mention that the legal advice for siblings of a different sex is to have their own bed at the age of 10. I think it’s assumed they wouldn’t be jumping into bed with mum/dad weekly.

🙄

I think the fact this is a weekly occurrence not an occasional thing means it is an issue that needed addressing. Is it that your DD is wanting your attention without DH there? Some sort of control? Or maybe she is afraid of sleeping alone/in the dark?

Jenstar is definitely OPs 'friend' .

@Jenstar123

I think the fact this is a weekly occurrence not an occasional thing means it is an issue that needed addressing. Is it that your DD is wanting your attention without DH there? Some sort of control? Or maybe she is afraid of sleeping alone/in the dark?

It's because she likes "mummy cuddles" and because I'm warm. Or at least that's what she says.

She gets plenty of my attention without OH due to the hours we work.

It's fine, OP. It works for you. Both our DDs are in with us most nights (5 and 3) we have a super king bed and love it! It used to wind me up but those cuddles and moments are fleeting. If adults don't want to sleep alone why should a child have to? If you're all happy just do it.
My DH is up at 5am each morning so will happily go off to spare bed some nights so he can actually sleep. I WFH and do school/childcare run so I am more flexible with having a busy bed lol!

Can the people saying it's odd please explain what is actually odd about it?

I'm not looking for a debate, I'm just genuinely curious because I honestly can't see a reason.

It seemed odd to me before I joined mumsnet! It’s just not something that I ever did (or wanted to do) as a child and I don’t remember any of my friends talking about sleeping in bed with their parents/mum. I had my own bed, it would never have occurred to me to ask to sleep in my parents’ bed. I did sometimes wake them up if I’d had a nightmare but they would reassure me and take me back to my own room, I don’t ever remember getting in with them. My dad snored and I get hot very easily- I’m not even hugely keen on sharing a bed with my own boyfriend!

I think some things just seem a bit odd if you’re not used to them, although threads like this make me realise it’s far more common than I thought.