To let DD sleep in my bed when she asks?

[ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble]

I was talking to a friend earlier and she mentioned that DD(nearly 9) sleeping in my bed every now and then is just "not right anymore". I asked her to explain what she meant and it was just generic waffle about her being too old, just not being right and her needing more independence.

She normally asks about one a week,at the weekends. She stays up a bit later and we watch things together,or read,or chat . Other than that it's if she's had a really bad nightmare or she's really poorly. OH sleeps on the sofa on those nights, which he is happy to do.

I don't mind either way.

So AIBU and she's just too old and I should say no.
Or AINBU and it's fine ?

My daughter is 11 and still comes in with me from time to time. When she can’t sleep or isn’t feeling well. She likes it, and will decide when she’s too old.

I didn’t vote because there was not an option to say it’s not unreasonable for your daughter to sleep with you but it’s unreasonable that your partner sleeps on the sofa because of it.

At one point I couldn't afford separate beds for us all, I'd just gotten a flat after DV and the three of us piled in to my king size bed sideways for about a year or so.

It made me think it was not so long ago people couldn't afford or for separate beds for everyone, and sharing was normal. I've got bunk beds next to my three quarter bed now but I'd never deny either of them a night in with me. Although I prefer not as I sleep terribly.

I think being young and having nightmares and being terrified to even wake my parents never mind ask to sleep in with them, and sleeping on the hard floor next to them just so as not to be alone has really guided my feelings on this though.

I still get in with my mum when i'm sleeping over at her house! She is 86 and I'm 51.

God only knows what your friend would make of me!!

It’s completely fine.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it, I’d hazard a guess that it’s been done as long as there have been human beings.

I’ll let my kids come in as long as they want to without a second thought. At some point they won’t, and in the mean time, it makes them happy, I get a nice sleepy cuddle.

I'm a bit(ok a lot) of an overthinker so her comments prompted lots of analysing in my head . I'll admit I do enjoy it a lot when she sleeps with me for various reasons. One being that OH snores loudly and is fairly restless in his sleep,while she isn't so I actually sleep better with her. The other is that she's an only,and that won't change. So once all these little things stops,that's it forever. However at the moment is still very loving and cuddly and warm and I really really enjoy our nights together.

Which ofc created a panic that I'm doing it for my benefit and her detriment.

It's tiring being in my head sometimes.

DS2 slept in my bed until he was about 11. Most nights. I was a single parent and he stopped because my (now ex) DP moved in.
He's the more confident and outgoing of my dc so it didn't do any harm!
If you, your DH and DD are happy then that's all that matters.

It's fine. One of my nearly 12 year old's likes to periodically have a nap with me in my bed even if he doesn't get in with me during the night! I wouldn't have a problem with that (have done so when the kids have been ill...but last time was over 4 years ago) but DH would have to go elsewhere, just because I get too hot and can't sleep with three in a bed.

Nope enjoy it! I still got into bed with my mum at times until I was 27 and they are some of my favourite memories I have with her

Absolutely fine. My DD 9 sleeps in my bed most nights. I am a single parent. She normally starts in her room then comes in during the night and snuggles up. Sometimes she stays in her room. Entirely up to her.

I agree with your friend, a 9 year old is basically a pre teen and it just seems a bit odd to me. Unless they are unwell or had a nightmare there is no reason why they shouldn’t be sleeping in their own bed at this age. No way should DH be having to sleep on the sofa because of it either, if they aren’t little enough to sleep in the middle of their mum and dad I think that’s a pretty clear indication they are old enough to sleep in their own bed!

My 9 year old DS still likes to share with one of us at a weekend so we do a night each and the other gets a lovely stress free night in the spare room 😄 It won't be for long, he just considers it a weekend treat and sleepover type thing.

I think it's lovely actually, just do what suits you as a family. There is no way I won't give me child comfort if they need it no matter what age.

No I wouldn't allow this at the age of eight. Maybe a one off if she was ill but not on a regular basis.

@Jenstar123

I agree with your friend, a 9 year old is basically a pre teen and it just seems a bit odd to me. Unless they are unwell or had a nightmare there is no reason why they shouldn’t be sleeping in their own bed at this age. No way should DH be having to sleep on the sofa because of it either, if they aren’t little enough to sleep in the middle of their mum and dad I think that’s a pretty clear indication they are old enough to sleep in their own bed!

Well that's ok then, because we do all fit.

He never shared the bed with her unless it's an impromptu nightmare/illness situation. It started when she was a baby and he was too worried he'd roll over her and squish her.

As you can see from the replies on here OP its fine, just ignore your friend and enjoy snuggles with your dd, they grow up so quickly and this won't be forever. IME people who object to children ever being in bed with them are usually repressed and generally talk a lot of 'the marital bed' which is THE ONLY place where sex ever takes place, and as such children should not be allowed anywhere near just in case their husband wants to claim their marital rights

I think you have slightly missed the point of my post. In my opinion a 9 year old is too old to be sleeping in their parents bed. Like I said I agree with your friend. Sorry it’s not the opinion you wanted to hear and I love how you ignored the point that your DD is a pre teen, ‘but she does fit in the bed’ so that’s ok then....🙄 If you don’t care why are you posting on MN about it?

No there's definitely nothing wrong with it. mine sometimes sleep on my bed.

So why is it okay, in your opinion, for 2 grown adults to routinely bed share, but a young child not to be allowed the same comfort and security that brings even occasionally?

@Jenstar123

I think you have slightly missed the point of my post. In my opinion a 9 year old is too old to be sleeping in their parents bed. Like I said I agree with your friend. Sorry it’s not the opinion you wanted to hear and I love how you ignored the point that your DD is a pre teen, ‘but she does fit in the bed’ so that’s ok then....🙄 If you don’t care why are you posting on MN about it?

Between this morning and now I got out of my head.

So while I was fairly upset and concerned this morning , I'm "oh well.." now.

Out of interest at what age would you think they are ‘too old’ because some 9 year old girls have already started their periods and pubity. Sleeping in mummy and daddy’s bed is a toddler and young child behaviour that they should be encouraged out of. My 10 year old would be mortified if I suggested sleeping in our bed!

The definition of a preteen is an 11 or 12 year old. How sad to try and suggest a 9 year old is anything other than a small child.

I don’t think your DP should be kicked out of his own bed to accommodate a 9 year old, no. If it were a toddler then fair enough but 9 is too old for this to be a fairly regular thing. I’d obviously accommodate my DC if they were going through issues, illness etc but I wouldn’t just let them jump in and kick DH out of his own bed. Far too old for it.