AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

Surely he'd be better doing more training and development for his current role, than learning a totally new one?

@ShowingOut

Surely he'd be better doing more training and development for his current role, than learning a totally new one?

Especially one he's not interested in!

You don't do an apprenticeship to be a signaller you go to signaller school. Also its not just days it's also night work/shift work. You also have to pass various tests on concentration etc... you do not need any formal qualifications to get into it, you need to be the right sort of person. Be able to sit and concentrate for hours.

@kcar- the same scenario won’t happen again no but he lost a job in 2016 prior to us meeting so it’s not like it would only happen as a result of the children. After your previous comments I am done responding to you because I frankly see your comments as rude, unnecessary and frankly bitchy. So if you’ve not got anything helpful to suggest please leave the thread.

@madcatladyforever hmm But OP's DH has a job, so it's not the same as your situation.

I didn't go into detail because I was using my phone and its a pain writing a post on the mobile.
That should have said 2 husbands I didn't have my glasses on.
They had jobs on and off always very low paid jobs like delivering shopping while their real career was cahsing dreams, husband number 1 wanted to be a pilot, he had worse eyesight than Mr Magoo
and often used to wear contact lenses AND glasses. This did not deter him from chasing his dream of becoming a cargo pilot and he spent thousands of pounds on flying lessons and the rest of his time off writing to companies who would reject him instantly once he told them about his eyesight.
Husband 2 wanted to be a journalist and spent 20 years pursuing his big break, he was crap at it and his articles were very badly written. I got an article published myself to prove a point and he was furious, didn't speak to me for 6 months as he has not once managed to get anything published.
I asked him to go to university as I had a good job at the time to at least improve his chances but he would not go, said it was a waste of time as any moment he's get his big break.
We're all divorced now and both of them are living in bedsit land on benefits now I am not around to carry them.
I have my own house and career so I'm fine on my own.
I've got two science degrees and have done numerous courses and work from home to get where I am.
It takes real hard work to progress and OPs husband just doesn't seem interested at all, just wants to plod along on a shit wage.
i could not live with someone who is happy to do that. I'm an older person and I was brought up with men who felt a responsibility to do the best they can for their families no matter what it takes.
Yet now I see so many men around just wimping out, won't leave their comfort zones and won't even try.
I just couldn't live with a man like that again. I'd have zero respect for them.

@jellybeanz1212- the national rail have currently got training programmes that people can join. The salary is a little less until you pass and then you can go for different grading jobs at different signal boxes. My dad has been doing since I was three and my grandma did and my grandad was a manager. Honestly I know these things my stepmums brother is doing the training course to be one too.

I get it he doesn’t want to do it and it was wrong of me to suggest it. I have apologised but he is still giving me the cold shoulder. I told him the main reasons I suggested it and he walked away

I see where you are coming from OP.

It doesn't sound like the OP's DH is that hard working or ambitious. He wants a job where he can put in minimal effort and have plenty time for his hobby and family.

Not a criticism.

But web designing sounds like one of those ultra competitive industries where you've got to give 110% of yourself and if that's to the detriment of family and hobby time, so be it.

Which is why the DH had lost his job, presumably.

Working on the railways or in public sector roles isn't massively well paid but the hours are steady and the shifts can be family friendly. Which is why the OP suggested it. She suggested signalling because she knows the hours involved as her Dad does it.

Has your DH considered the civil service OP?

The two of you have crap communication.

That’s going to end your marriage if you can’t sort that.

He can’t share his stresses and what’s going on at work with you and you just want to push him into a career he isn’t interested in.

You might both benefit from some form of marriage counselling.

My boyfriend works on the railways. He’s been there all his life. He earns more than I do.

The shifts are very definitely not family friendly and the stress he is under is immense.

I get it he doesn’t want to do it and it was wrong of me to suggest it. I have apologised but he is still giving me the cold shoulder. I told him the main reasons I suggested it and he walked away

An apology doesn't count if it's got all sorts of reasons attached to it. "I'm sorry, I only suggested it because..." "I'm sorry, but this is why I thought..." etc is all about you justifying yourself, not actually apologising. Until you can apologise because of how he feels, not you, it won't be a proper apology.

Has he ever suggested any interest in that career?? If not, you are being incredibly unreasonable

@ShowingOut

I get it he doesn’t want to do it and it was wrong of me to suggest it. I have apologised but he is still giving me the cold shoulder. I told him the main reasons I suggested it and he walked away

An apology doesn't count if it's got all sorts of reasons attached to it. "I'm sorry, I only suggested it because..." "I'm sorry, but this is why I thought..." etc is all about you justifying yourself, not actually apologising. Until you can apologise because of how he feels, not you, it won't be a proper apology.

I completely agree. I have a family member who just can’t apologise properly- always uses it as a reason to have another go “I’m sorry you felt that way, but [and lists reasons they were right all along]...”. It’s exhausting and insulting.

You need to apologise properly, without qualifying it with excuses.

Other than that your DH surely is better off waiting until January to see if he progresses- especially given the fact he actually enjoys this job .

I feel bad as well because he is spending all his spare time building a site for a family member of mine

Hope he's being decently paid for this.

I agree that communication, which is the most important aspect of any relationship, is crap between you.

You also clearly have no idea of what his job entails which suggests you don't take an interest.

Someone interested in IT as a career is not going to want to sit in a room and press buttons to direct trains and stop and start them. It is an important job but a job for plodders who are happy just to respond in a set way to a set requirement. It is a job, not a career. As you say, you have no qualifications, so I really think YABU to expect him to waste his. Try improving your education rather than dragging him down to the level of yours.

He has lost a job twice, got new ones twice, will be receiving a pay rise in January, was supportive of you when pregnant and ill, helps your relatives, yet you are complaining about his lack of ambition. I think he is mad to stay with you with your attitude.

I work on the Tube. It is very hard to get into, and the old way of "knowing someone" to get in has mostly disappeared now. Signallers will disappear anyway, because technology means you can change a set of points or put all signals to red at the touch of a computer screen. But that besides my principal point.

OP's husband sounds like mine in many respects but mine is most concerned with our DD's welfare and has mostly brought her up as I did all the crap shifts at work. I earn significantly more than DH and it doesn't bother him. He has his little figures too, and his football, and other pastimes, and he gets to spend every evening with DD. OP's husband sounds arty or appreciates colours and form...my husband is an ace decorator and although I've suggested he pursue this as a job he has got stuck in the same job since he left school. We have argued over it before but I've given up now. I cannot change his mind.

Would OP be open to supporting her DDs artistic streak? He sounds like that trendy modern term, "a creator". It won't pay well but it might make him happier which is the main thing imo. Of course you have to meet the bills but you both also need to be happy in your occupation.

His career sounds like a big part of his identity, i.e creative.
He sounds like he’s lacking confidence and maybe a bit of focus.
It sounds like your suggestion was too far away from his field of interest - a bit random.
He possibly needs to consider a second job but maybe more in line with his skillset and interests.

Unsolicited advice or suggestions are really annoying. But equally you do have a partner who doesn't seem to be able to hold down a job. What does he propose to do about it?

Until you can apologise because of how he feels, not you, it won't be a proper apology.

Your reasons will come across to him as you not believing he can do well at his current job.
He doesn't like the idea of you planning his life for him, as if he's completely failing.

Tell him you do have confidence that he can do his job, and leave it at that.

Sounds like the poor sod was struggling along, trying to support you, not enough hours in the day, naturally his focus isn’t on work with all this going on. And you say that there’s a lack of self confidence...then you piss on him from on high basically implying he’s not doing good enough...comparing him to your dad...no wonder he’s put out! He had every right to blow up at you. If I were in his place, I’d be so incredibly hurt. You’ve got a lot of grovelling to do.

he sounds and acts exactly like my dad when I was younger. He wants to be there for the little things with our two children and my dad was always around for the school run etc so I thought it might be exactly the right kind of home and work life balance he is looking for

Lots of people want to do this, it doesn’t mean they all should start applying to British Rail.

Bit unsure whether he has lost his job or he still has his job and you were referring to a previous job he lost.

If he still has his job then isn’t he going to get an increase in money in January and then he will start to make progression.

If he doesn’t and he loves being around the children then why doesn’t he do some childminding and web design in his spare time/evenings/weekends etc.

If your children go to nursery or school he could do the drop off and pick ups for children who go to the same nursery and school as your own children.

Some parents need to drop off at 7am but nursery doesn’t start till 7.30am or school finishes at 3 pm and parent can’t get back till 7.30pm etc.

I don’t think you should be suggesting random careers that he has no interest in.

If he wants to be around for your dc then doing a job that involves his children would be a good starting point.

I would be careful in not writing him off because after nearly 2 years in different companies they get rid of him. Some companies are like this. Once they have to start paying a proper salary or giving workers rights they prefer to get rid and get someone else at a lower salary.

Why don't you train to do the same job as your dad?

He's managed to get another job after the first lockdown, with an absence record due to your last pregnancy being difficult, so he's not useless.

I don't think there's an issue here, I wouldn't make any suggestions about changing career in the middle of a pandemic when he's already succeeded in getting another job.

Would I be right in thinking you think of a job as something you do for so many hours a week, to get paid, and therefore if there's a job he could do that would be fairly well paid and has good hours, to you that is a 'good job'?
I would suggest your DH's job is more than that and is more entwined with his identity. He wants to do something he likes and it sounds like he wants a creative job.
People do sometimes say why don't you do xyz, my uncle does this and gets paid ££, gets so many weeks off a year..... etc...
I just think but it sounds so boring I could never do that job!

The problem is your DH, not the job, the salary or anything else. It sounds like he's difficult to manage based on losing jobs and getting informal warnings. Is it any surprise that he isn't progressing?

Being a web developer/designer is highly lucrative for good people. Is that what he actually does or is he in content or website management?

There is more to his story than meets the eye.

You sound materalistic and a bit Keeping Up With The Joneses. You want a show-off house and all that stuff.

He values family more than stuff and wants to spend as much time as possible with his children.

His suggestion of being a stay-at-home-dad sounds pretty perfect TBH.