AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

I think you sound like you have had an awful lot of upheaval if you have only been together for four years. Getting to know each other, wo children and an illness inside 4 years is an awful lot. I think your suggestion maybe sounded a bit patronising, but that's not to say that the idea of both of you having a talk about where you would like to go career wise would be a bad idea. My husband has a job he loves and gets paid reasonably well for but he has been in it for 17 years and whilst his earnings have obviously increased over time, he hasn't become more senior or anything and whilst I find it frustrating, because I am much more ambitious, it's not my place to demand that he apply for new jobs any more than it is up to him to ask me to change jobs.

No, he’s not being unreasonable. You are being odd.

He’s obviously not that into his job as it is, so rather than try and force your fathers career into him () , which is something completely random and different to what he does, his background and quals and likely something that holds absolutely no interest for him - maybe your ‘support’ would be better placed trying to get him to work out what he really would be enthused in that would also provide the financial support required.

What you have done is like going up to a nurse and suggesting they become a buyer for a hardware chain instead - just really odd.

I think I remember your last thread, wasn't he let go because he was missing so much work for childcare and appointments because of a risky pregnancy? And he didn't tell you because you didn't need the stress?

One of the reasons he got let go from the last role was that he was concentrating on family too much.

This can happen especially to men. When my aunt was in hospital with heart failure and having heart surgery. My uncle was by her bedside in hospital with a laptop trying to keep up with work. My aunt was in hospital for two months she came very close to dying. One month in, my uncle was called into the office and double demoted for taking too much family time. A month later, when my aunt was released home but needed another month of caring my uncle asked for flexible working hours and to be able to work from home some of the time. He was let go on the spot.

OPs DH was let go when she was in an out of hospital with pregnancy related illness. So I can see a similar pattern here. Employers are much more accepting of females doing caring and needing flexible work than they are of males.

Some of these comments, 😂

The guy lost his job four years ago, got a other one, and he’s lost his job again, walked straight into another one and will likely be earning more in it. It’s hardly looser territory. Acting like he’s some kinda kid and he’s too flakey to be freelance is just so controlling.

@sst1234
OP, concentrating on family too much is not a reason for being let go.

It can be. Happened to my uncle (see prior post of mine). It’s just a variation on the number of women let go because they’re pregnant or on maternity leave. It’s legally protected for women, but still happens a lot. With men, there is no legal protection and guess what? It happens a lot.

And to Add, he’s consistently out earned the op for all their time together, and for a three month period, whilst on probation she will earn a couple of grand more than him, them he will go back to out earning her.

She’s lost respect for him because he’s lost two jobs in six years and hasn’t progressed to her liking. Even though she consistently earns less than him and isn’t progressing either.

Nice stuff.

I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job

Your poor DH. By everything you say he seems to be a very devoted father and family man yet you seem to look at him through the prism of his job and his money only. There are lots of men out there who earn well and neglect family life and their DWs are on MN moaning too.

Aren’t jobs on the railways massively hard to get? They pay very well and you often/sometimes need someone to give you an “in”. Having said that, I know someone with a degree from a top university trying to get in to be a driver. There are thousands of applications and the selection criteria very, very tough. I don’t think it’s as simple as you make it sound.

Hollowtalk I wouldn’t think someone had had an affair if they renewed their vows.

The reaction to the random job suggestion isnt the issue here. It is his general attitude to work. He doesnt seem to want to work at all. He has a list of things he wants to achieve / do, but seems to expect you to facilitate it. This is going to build resentment.

My dh has the same hobby as yours. He paints in the evening, after his day job.

He can make plenty of money as a software developer if he focuses on upskilling particular languages. 75k in london for a senior front end developer no management, no leadership just experience and coding. Would he be interested in that. The devs at my company enjoy very flexible working and are supported in their work / life balance? Does he want to get better in his current career?

Omg you can’t decide what someone should do as a job! He is doing a job he wants to do right now - why the hell would he want to work on the railway? If that was what he wanted to do he would have done it

From what you’ve said he’s employed right now and his time In between jobs wasn’t very long

Maybe you should go and train to work the railway job op

Yabu and I'd lose my shit at you too. I can see why he said what he said tbh

@Bluntness100

Me too, @Bluntness100. I'm still laughing now

I know, right..? 😂

And me. So random . I’m going to use it as a suggestion in any career-related conversation with anybody forever more.

This freelance nonsense sounds a bad idea to be honest. The guy seems too flaky

Actually for many it works a lot better than in typical employment.

he won’t talk to me. He shuts me out... He didn’t talk to me about the career problems with the last page and that scares me. Being kept in the dark again scares me.

This is a major issue. Not the job, the lack of communication.

Hmm I don't think there are tonnes of railway signalling jobs and I think web offers more job opportunities.

Op, has he ever considered he may have ADHD, you mention concentrating on family too much, not progressing. Lots of people in IT roles are Adhd, not sure why, but the lack of structure to them can make it more pronounced and harder to get a handle on. He wants to redecorate the house, work, have a hobby and look after kids! That is so adhd, i.e. thinking you can do everything. If he is not managing to do it currently a career change won't help.

Yes he hadn’t had the best track record for the attendance and sickness. He stopped loving that role and he does love his new one. I know that my suggestion was stupid.. we were talking about careers yesterday and our lack of confidence and part of me thought dads job sounds like it would tick all the boxes for what he wants.. more time to his hobbies, more money to do all the things he wants to do, more rest days to be around the children.

We want to move somewhere we can have a hobby space dedicated to his hobby and his podcast. It was honestly a fly of the wall idea over breakfast and yes I don’t know that much about web developer roles and my dad has a signaller friend/colleague who was a web designer before and he was burnt out by middle 30’s. That’s another reason I thought maybe a career change might help him balance his family life more.

He told me he got let go because his work had got sloppy and he wasn’t progressing. They were shutting his office and they would have asked him to move to one of the other offices but that would require a pay increase and he was already on a warning. I know it wasn’t his fault I just thought if he lost his due because of his home/work balance maybe he needed a different career that would assist that.

My dad mentioned on the phone that they were currently taking on people for training to become a signaller. So it wasn’t an impossible role to look to get into. You would be doing the training at a lower base amount until you passed the training course. So for posters who are saying they are growing on trees.. no but there is training that people can get on board with happening right now. He might not have got the proper job in it for 2-3 years but the apprentice training roles being advertised were still available right now.

I will apologise to DH when I get home. I am not money orientated at all. I just want DH to be in a career that makes him happy and I guess I was too focused on the fact that his old job didn’t make him happy but his new job does.

I feel bad as well because he is spending all his spare time building a site for a family member of mine and I want him to enjoy family time more often than working his arse off all the time

I also agree with the second wedding/vow renewal thing. Cringing. The only time that remotely works is when people have been married for 25 years and say they are planning a vow renewal for the anniversary. Fair enough and it has the added bonus of no scratching your head about a gift as an anniversary gift is pretty straightforward. Otherwise, every single person will be sitting there wondering which of the two of you was unfaithful. Plus they will be a combination of baffled and pissed about getting people who are already married and have children a wedding present.

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad
😂😂😂

I can't believe you suggested this. It's your DH's life, his career, his choice. Someone who is into web design and development isn't going to want to have a job where their mental capacities aren't challenged. Where is the creativity in being a signalman?

Most people don't choose a job just for money. It's also for a sense of achievement, satisfaction, self-worth.

When your DH's probation period is up and he is on more money than his previous job, will you still be moaning?

He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery.
It is appalling that you lost some respect for your DH when he lost his job when he has been supporting you throughout this hard time. That probably impacted on his job performance so YABVU to have lost respect and want him to give up work he enjoys. If anything, you should have more respect for putting you and his family first.

You may be in a better paid job but you have no qualifications. You ought to get some qualifications. If you are just hoping to progress in-house you are probably going to be in for a shock when you find you are leapfrogged over by others with qualifications.

Was IBU to suggest it?
Yes.

And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?
No.

Maybe a coach would help? I see lots of people posting on the Adulf AdHd facebook group who work in IT and get lots of suggestions on how to manage, promote yourself, self motivate etc

@Bluntness100

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad

I’m sorry but that made me laugh out loud. I can see why he wasn’t delighted

Did he ask dor your suggestion on a career change for him? Or has he ever suggested he wishes to emulate your father?

Exactly!

@Logiclady94 why don’t you suggest he becomes a deep sea diver or a science teacher or a park groundsman or a makeup artist or a structural engineer or any other random job in which he has no experience, skills or interest?

No wonder he is offended.

If his career is not working out, by all means encourage him to look at other options but your approach so far has been unhelpfully directive.

I agree Bluntness

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad

I’m sorry but that made me laugh out loud. I can see why he wasn’t delighted

I agree. If DH suggested I change career and especially to his DMs job I would be very pissed off.

I don't need career managing and if you wanted to suggest a career change to him, you went about it the wrong way.

If you had says something like...
" You've got really good skills in xx area, you have the qualifications and a job doing XX might be an idea for a career that suits you better. As I see how you like xyz and this kind of job could offer that"

Then perhaps he would have been more open to it....

A railway signaller is so different from a web designer....and you pretty much relegated his job to a spare time hobby thing. I would find that quite insulting tbh.

Did he ask dor your suggestion on a career change for him? Or has he ever suggested he wishes to emulate your father

Exactly.

Of course you were not being unreasonable. Either couple should do what they have to do to keep the family going instead of chasing dreams or things they like. Its so selfish. I worked my arse off during 3 marriages while my exes chased stupid unattainable dreams. It was exhausting.
Just a part time job would have made .my life so .much easier. In the end I was sick of them chasing dreams while I paid the mortgage and bills and decided if they didn't want to settle down with a regular job Id live alone and I'm much happier.
I wasted 20 years on the 2nd one farti g about when I could have had a decent ife.
Family comes first and if it doesn't for him I wouldn't waste any more time on him.