AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

I think your suggestion was s bit left field to be honest. Do you not think he will pass his probationary period and achieve the salary increase? What is your job/career and how would you react if he had made this suggestion to you?

I think it's pretty rude to suggest a job just because your Dad did it? I'd feel insecure if someone suggested I was crap at my job and career. You do seem a bit hung up on the money since you mentioned it several times in your post and clearly this came across in your conversation with him?

But that’s not getting married. It’s a renewal of vows but it’s not getting married.

You basically told him... you want him to be your dad 😂

I don’t think the issue was suggesting a career change, I think it was suggesting he trains as something he probably has no interest in.

I think OP, you keep saying money isn’t important and then saying it is important - until you both work this out you’ll get nowhere. Everyone wants a bigger house and nice schools for their kids but personal happiness is important too as are equal goals.

Seeing as you think your dads job is so brilliant, why don’t you go and do it ...

I’m still lost as to why you’re suggesting the signalman job when he was able to get a new job in July just a month after his redundancy. Yes, he was employed on less - but there are variations between companies, and maybe he got lucky being overpaid vs average before, and I expect Covid already by then had pushed a lot of people into the market. He’s got a pay review in Jan 2021 - 2 months. Why would he jump ship now? How quickly do you think he’d have picked up another railway signalman job in July if he’d lost one in June?

If the bottom line is that he wants flexibility to be around the kids and his little figures, then freelance web design and development would give him far more flexibility for that than working as a signalman.

It just seems a very odd thing to push at him, when he’s actually employed now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Bluntness100

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad

I’m sorry but that made me laugh out loud. I can see why he wasn’t delighted

Did he ask dor your suggestion on a career change for him? Or has he ever suggested he wishes to emulate your father?

Me too, @Bluntness100. I'm still laughing now. My daughter's in a dither about careers right now and plan to suggest it to her when I see her - can't wait to see her reaction.

If his pay rise will only be four grand I think you’re nit picking to say you earn more than him then him you, it’s marginal and you’re both on about the same amount

Look it’s ok to idolise your father, but suggesting your husband is like him ans should be more like him is really a bit creepy.

He’s shown no desire to be a railway signal man, or I’m guessing aspire to be your father, I think you need to apologise to him.

I think there are underlying issues that you both need to discuss but suggesting he changes career direction completely to do your Dad's job is ridiculous. I can see how that annoyed him

Having a party is not the same as getting married again. And if you have a renewal of vows everyone will think one of you has had an affair.

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. Are you sure he was let go for the reason he gave and not 'because of Covid' like has happened to so many? Though it would be odd to make that up. Unless he's suffering from low self esteem (I wonder why 🤔).

You should not have suggested he do what your Dad does, no matter how good the salary or hours. You basically said to him 'You are not as good a father, husband or man as my Dad', no wonder he's furious!

You do sound money focused, and disappointed in him. If that is even partially true, or you feel you need more, then why don't you do something to earn more? Just because your salary is more than his at the moment doesn't mean he needs to change. If you're capable of getting a better paying job than him with very little in the way of qualifications, then maybe you should be the one to reach for more.

Some people aren't as bothered about high earnings, and provided they can support themselves or contribute to supporting their family that is fine if they're happy.

My H has never been career driven, but I am (less so now with kids, but I'm where I want to be). I earn the most by far, but he does his bit. He wasn't one to push himself but when a close family member died years ago he re-evaluated his life and went back to college to get some qualifications, then used those to get jobs that led on to better jobs. The only thing I have ever 'pushed' him to do was to apply for a team leader role when it came up, as he was more than capable, but would not have thought he would get. And of course he got it.

That's how you should act as a partner. Be supportive and encouraging, don't be negative, put down his choices and compare him to your Dad! It sounds like he lacks in self belief but at least he is working, and he got another job this year when so many are newly unemployed. He can and will do well if he puts his mind to it, and even if he's content as he is, so be it.

Me too, @Bluntness100. I'm still laughing now

I know, right..? 😂

@Logiclady94

One of the reasons he got let go from the last role was that he was concentrating on family too much. He loves being around the children. He has even said a couple of times that if this job doesn’t work out he will give up web work and stay at home with the kids...

That is another reason I suggested it (not because my dad does it at all) he sounds and acts exactly like my dad when I was younger. He wants to be there for the little things with our two children and my dad was always around for the school run etc so I thought it might be exactly the right kind of home and work life balance he is looking for.

He could freelance but I worry if he gave up a set job and income than he would start being distracted by his hobby and by being around the kids

OP, concentrating on family too much is not a reason for being let go. The problem is he wasn’t on concentrating on his job enough. Changing jobs won’t fix this, even if the work is less involved than web design, because it sounds like he has poor absence at work too. I think pushing him into different work is a sticking plaster, especially when his current work is so much in demand. Web design is a lucrative career, but if he isn’t committed, no job will ever be well paid enough. At best he is not career, at worst he has a poor work ethic. Could you maybe agree between yourselves for you to take steps to accelerate your career while he takes on the role of homemaking with some part time web design or other employment.

I'm another one who burst out laughing reading the op.

If this isn't a reverse, then you are a bit quirky OP, from web designer to railway signaller is quite a shift.

Just because your salary is more than his at the moment doesn't mean he needs to change

It’s less than four grand more, they are basically earning the same 😂

He's probably still feeling shitty about the ignominious way he lost his job, and i know from experience how grating it is to constantly get silly off the cuff job suggestions from people who are only trying to help but simply dont know the whole story, havent thought it through and wont have to live with the consequences! Instead of saying 'why dont you X?' try 'what would you like to do?' maybe.

His job, his decisions regarding his job. As long as he is working is the important thing.

My dhs job is a bit dead end with no progression but he loves it and gets every weekend at home, that’s his choice same as my job is my choice.

I don't think what he is suggesting is that crazy to be honest, freelancing in his friend can lucrative, and also flexible hours wise. Most will just require the work to be completed by X date with no real mandate on exactly what times you work, or some require people to work later to tie in with different time zones, he would need a clear plan though and to have boundaries so he isn't just doing his hobby or stuff with the children and he also falls behind on that work. It can take some confidence to secure work as well, he could maybe go with an agency but not if his performance isn't great. Are your children in childcare?

He could freelance but I worry if he gave up a set job and income than he would start being distracted by his hobby and by being around the kids sad*

So his plan for achieving work life balance is to be freelance, but you think he would not earn enough to achieve your other aims of nicer house etc. Have you tried to discuss this with him? What does he say?

have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

You had to return from maternity leave early because your husband had lost his job? Why couldn't non working husband do the childcare? (while thinking all the while about how much he doesn't want to be a signal engineer)

Maybe he didn’t tell you about his job because you were, according to your OP, going through a horrible pregnancy.

Maybe he didn’t appreciate you suggesting he be more like your Dad?

Maybe you have a skewed idea of how well that job pays if your dad was constantly doing all the overtime he could get?

This freelance nonsense sounds a bad idea to be honest. The guy seems too flaky. OP’s comment about him being let because he likes spending too much time with the family days a lot. That says he doesn’t put enough effort into his work, he goes freelance and he’ll be doing even less work.

I get it OP.

I think referencing your dad's job was with the best intentions but wouldn't have gone down well.

I can understand your concerns that your husband may have picked a career that he's not very good at, which will limit his earning potential. I think the time for the carear change ( of his choosing) would be if he fails to get the pay increase.

It does seem he likes to focus on hobbies and children which is great, but not if by doing so he looses or underperforms at work. There's loads of people who'd like to not work and chase their hobbies but if that was my DH I'd insist he continued to work as you won't earn enough for the luxury of a SAHD.

Can he continue to work in the job, but do the figure painting in spare time and set up a small business? At least he then gets to chase a dream and you never know, there might be a small demand. It could build up to something or not.

You're angry he didn't tell you he was having issues at work, when you were having real struggles at home? Issues he was having at work because he was being there for you at home? Curious. 😕

Why don't you focus on quals and your career? If he is happy and secure doing what he does and you're coping financially at the moment?