AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

I quite fancy being a railway signaller, am I odd? I’m too old to retrain though (sigh).

@madcatladyforever

Of course you were not being unreasonable. Either couple should do what they have to do to keep the family going instead of chasing dreams or things they like. Its so selfish. I worked my arse off during 3 marriages while my exes chased stupid unattainable dreams. It was exhausting. Just a part time job would have made .my life so .much easier. In the end I was sick of them chasing dreams while I paid the mortgage and bills and decided if they didn't want to settle down with a regular job Id live alone and I'm much happier. I wasted 20 years on the 2nd one farti g about when I could have had a decent ife. Family comes first and if it doesn't for him I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

@madcatladyforever But OP's DH has a job, so it's not the same as your situation.

I think you're getting a harsh response here. It's not unreasonable, you have an in for him through your dad, and it's a stable structured career that he may like and even if he doesn't love it, he has a hobby he loves. You have fewer options without qualifications yet, and this would provide more options for you and your family. He doesn't have to do it, and maybe he had a strong response as he perceived the conversation as you highlighting his failures. You can apologise to him for that, but I don't think you were unreasonable to bring it up. Keep being honest about your goals and options and needs from each other and you'll figure it out.

Not sure if I'm going against the grain with this, only read over the OP posts. But your DH sounds like the kind of guy who always talks about what he would do if xyz but never actually gets off his arse to do it. I'm sure he'd love to freelance and have time for hobbies etc but if he gets let go from jobs because he doesn't progress then how is he going to stick in when self-employment gets tough?! Freelancing also doesn't necessarily equal more leisure time as he isn't on a contract for 35 hours, it's when the work needs done until it's done.

I think you need an honest to goodness talk, set timescales eg by July he will have set up freelance work, you will both put aside a set amount each month to go towards a new property etc.

I thought he was let go because he took time off when you were pregnant?

@kcar- he was let go in June because of poor performance and not progressing at all since 2017. He was put on a warning in January 2019 because of his attendance and his performance. He never told me any of this and he then agreed to try for baby number 2 because we were both in stable jobs etc.. he didn’t tell me he was on an informal warning. The 2nd pregnancy went wrong and he ended up on a formal warning but again didn’t say anything. Fast forward to January and our son was born premature and he concentrated on work less and less then in June he was let go during lockdown.

I didn’t know any of this so right now my worry is that if he doesn’t progress with this job, we end up financially ruined and we have to sell our house and we are miserable and end up separating.

So, it seems to me OP that you are playing down your role even though you are not to blame in this situation- from my reading of this, he lost his job as he had to do childcare/take lots of time off to support you to go to appointments in your last pregnancy, the office then closed and given he'd had so much time off, they didn't take him with them. Now he is stretched at work because he's building a house for your family member.

You really really need to think through your priorities here. It seems like he's the type of guy who finds it hard to say no to you and to your family. He then gets caught up in trying to please you and gets in trouble at work.

I think you need to forget about building a hobby room, forget about your relation's building work, forget about him changing career- and focus on helping him do the best in the job he already has which he likes, is relatively lucrative and is the most likely way to deliver the lifestyle you want.

He has an issue- which is he finds it hard to say no to you and your family, and that's what's undermining his achievement, start really supporting him to do what he's already doing!

You need good contraception. I’d suggest you double up.

Is there any reason to think that he won't progress with this job?

Sounds as if family life might have been a contributing factor before?

Is your Dad's job short hours then otherwise how would he fit in hobbies/family around it anymore than anyother job?

I didn’t know any of this so right now my worry is that if he doesn’t progress with this job, we end up financially ruined and we have to sell our house and we are miserable and end up separating

To be blunt, both of you in fairy land! When you have two small children, one who is recently premature, you don't start worrying about having to fit in a hobby painting figures!

You need to focus on everyone staying in work in the middle of a massive recession, and to supporting everyone to that goal. Full stop. Everything else is extra.

Sorry, missed about it being 3 or 4 days on, 3 or 4 days off.

Leave the poor guy alone. I’m sure it was a shock for him to lose his job. Leave him to get on with whatever he’s doing. He’s a big boy and can make his own decisions.
Your comment about him being a signal controller like your dad was patronising. I’m not surprised he’s pissed off.

Oh OP, if my totally unqualified partner had a pop at me and told me to retrain in the obscure job their dad had done, I’d have been pissed too...

@Kcar- I am finding your posts to be incredibly rude & unhelpful. We love our children and we will not be having anymore as I have had to have two c sections. The last one I nearly died during so I treasure the 2 babies I have thank you.

Well, two babies close together that need a lot of time off for your DH it’s hardly rude to say make sure to sort contraception.

Personally I think telling your DH to go and be a signalman on the railways was rude.

If its great why don’t you go and do it?

Is this a reverse? Of course YABU to suggest to him that he follow in your dad's footsteps. Nobody wants to hear that unless they have specifically asked for suggestions.

You need good contraception. I’d suggest you double up.

Totally uncalled for

I think I'd be pretty peeved if someone suggested a job change in a completely different industry doing something that I have never shown any interest in.

He needs to find something that he's interested in.
Not a job that someone else has picked out for him!

@kcar- the first pregnancy resulted in me having gallstones and as they didn’t pick it up until after she was born and I didn’t have the surgery until my DD was 6 months old. I couldn’t be left alone with her as the attacks would last for 2 hours and I couldn’t move. Obviously that was really scary not knowing what was wrong and not being able to care for child.

We then discussed trying for a second so there was a 2 year age gap, we fell on much sooner and as a result of him being born premature there was even less of a gap and all the hospital visits etc meant even more time off work.

The stress he was under meant he probably could have been signed off but he didn’t. He tried to work through all that until finally they let him go.

YANBU to suggest it during a conversation about careers. Yes it's random, but its just a suggestion he can take or leave it.

YABU to be judging him on his career though. Sounds like it's going OK, not great but ok. He has lost jobs but he always gets another one. He has always earned around the same or more than you.

Also YABU to say that he should study, but you can't do it because you aren't smart enough. It's just letting yourself off the hook. You "aren't smart" so any job you have is more than enough of an achievement, meanwhile he "is smart" so your expectations of him are much higher.

You are plenty smart OP, you just don't want to. Which is fine, but he feels the same way.

if he doesn’t progress with this job, we end up financially ruined and we have to sell our house and we are miserable and end up separating

Gosh that’s extreme, especially since he walked into another even better
Paid role and loves it.

@Logiclady94

I didn’t know any of this so right now my worry is that if he doesn’t progress with this job, we end up financially ruined and we have to sell our house and we are miserable and end up separating.

If you’re not having any more babies as per your other Posts - that won’t halogen will it?

*happen

My screen is cracked.

I don’t see what you have to worry about since you’re not having any more children and your gall bladder has been removed.

Op, you made it sound like he was a bit of a slacker l saying you’d lost respect for him, yet it seems this was about a job he didn’t like plus a difficult home situation? How could you lose respect for him given the circumstances?