AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

It is me that needs to change not him and I have said this will not be done overnight but I can’t keep finding cracks in my happiness and than blaming him for it.

Its not you who has failed to progress in a career in 6 years with two employers, lost one job after a long warning period and then convinced your partner that its all their fault.

When he says he might just "give it all up" and stay home with the kids does he mean he will do the full SAHM job or will you still be managing most of that as well whilst he paints his models? Did he ask you if that arrangement would work for you as well?

When he says the website he has built is worth 3K is that because he has already built and sold other sites with comparable complexity? Or an assumption based on what he feels entitled to? He also doesn't sound suited to freelance work which entails lots of tedious paperwork, book keeping, finding clients, keeping clients happy etc rather than just fannying around picking and choosing bits of work as it suits you.

Signalling may not be the right option for him, he may want to "find himself". However as the parent of two small children the priority is ensuring they are provided for rather than one parent opting out to find themselves.

Focus on getting yourself well and your own career progression - you may be needing it to support yourself and kids in a few years time.

I mean this kindly.

If you have been signed off with stress and life is hard at the moment, I would delay in applying.

Signalling school is quite intense. A position in a ROC even more so. To this end, it may not be the job for you.

Even if you apply for a quieter signal box, you could still be involved in what could be stressful situations. If comments from strangers on the internet are affecting you enough to lash out a little, then it would not be good for you to put yourself under more stress until you are stronger.

I do hope you feel better soon and that life gets easier.

@ZoeTurtle

You can't help someone who won't help themselves, I suppose.

I agree.
It seems having a different view leads to getting you head bitten off.

I just saw the thread again and seen how people were ordered off the thread.

Maybe look at the relate website? Lots of money quizzes on there.

It's a lot of pressure to expect him to have a job when he's happy, he earns enough for you all to move, but also enough that he only needs to work 3 days and have time for you as a family and his hobbies. I think that's a pretty impossible list!

It doesn't sound like he loves his job and potentially doesn't get on great there, but that's ok. Even if he just turns up, does and ok job and gets paid. Most people do that and many don't even manage that.

You've admitted even your dad didn't have the whole list above, you said he worked loads of overtime. Grass is always greener. My dad worked 6 days a week but I can always remember him being around - he wasn't of course!

To be honest I'd leave him be. You say you're not intelligent enough to do the job yourself but it's not about intelligence half the time, it being motivated.

tentative3
as a general point you're right but since signalling won't be replaced by computers in a few years it's not a relevant point to this thread

I was thinking long term. I am presuming the op and get dh are in their 20s. Retirement at probably 70. Whilst things being computerised within the next few years I do believe it won’t be there in 40+years time.

Also whilst it might be a good job if your heart isn’t in it, I would think life would be a little sad to work in a job that is purely for the money and with no enjoyment IYSWIM

OP, you’re under stress to the point of being signed off work. I wonder if adding to the stress by you both having a huge career change is the priority right now. I assume your job is quite stable, so I wouldn’t be rushing out the door while your kids are so small. I’m genuinely not trying to be unkind but thinking how overwhelming it may be for you.

Old thread, wondering how it went? Did he train?

My husband is a signaller in a control centre. He started out as an engineer and then went to signal school for 8 weeks while I was pregnant. He then started working in an actual signal box and moved up grades from 3 to 9. He went from earning £24k to £60k without overtime/night pay.

He loves it but it’s tiring and long shifts but in October they are changing to 12hr days/nights.

It takes a lot of concentration.