AIBU or is DH being unreasonable regarding career change

[Logiclady94]

Hi, I’m prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I was only making a suggestion. DH and I had a massive argument this morning with regards to me suggesting a career change for him. He is a web developer/designer and has been doing it since we got together 4 years ago, when we met he’d lost his job and it took him about 6 months to get another.. he had enough savings to live on during that time. He had been in that job since 2017 until he got let go in June 2020 because his performance had dropped and he hadn’t progressed at all.

He has since got a new job but because he his progression hadn’t moved at his old job he got a new job at the same level he was on but for less money (£4000 less) he was told he would get a pay review in January 2021 when his probationary ended and if he met it he would potentially get the original job adverts salary (more than his last job)

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad? He could train as he has more qualifications than I do and he could freelance in his spare time if he still loved the web developer role and he blew up at all.

Saying that the only way I’d be happy is if we had more money.. it’s always about the more money. He told me I don’t respect him and that if I liked the money so much why I don’t study to become one like my dad. I told him I’m not smart enough, I don’t have any qualifications.. I earn more than him right now as I work in a good industry.

I only suggested it because my dads hours would work really nicely for the lifestyle he wants, he wants to do his hobby in his spare time (painting figures and playing war games) he also wants to do podcasts, paint other people’s figure for commission work, freelance web design and get married, move to a nicer area and so on and so on... it is a long extensive list which he would have more time to do all that as the job is 3 days on 4 days or 4 days on and 3 days off (I can’t remember what my dad said, he likes to work himself to death so he does a hell of a lot of overtime)

I feel awful for suggesting it now as I was just trying to be helpful as I don’t think the web developer role is working out for him. He has two lost two jobs and he hasn’t gained any progression in nearly 6 years. I feel like I lost a bit of respect for him when he lost that job because he didn’t even tell me he had been put on a warning or anything. He had been supporting me through two terrible pregnancies and one illness that required surgery. He told me his work understood and then during lockdown he had a meeting about it then when I asked him what was going on, he told me everything. He then got a call that afternoon to say he’d been let go. I didn’t know any of this and it made me have to return from maternity early which was stressful because with covid we didn’t have the childcare set up.

Was IBU to suggest it? And was DH being unreasonable for blowing up at me?

What is it I wonder that makes some posters so determined to carry on kicking someone when they are clearly in quite a bad place?

I'm not @HoppingPavlova because I don't base my knowledge of the railway on Thomas the Tank Engine.

As for @Elsewyre and a few others, including the person who works on the tube, depending on where the OP is based there are decades before signalling will all be moved to central locations. Even when they are, signallers are still employed in the ROCs. Admittedly, fewer than when everything was locally operated, and this process is more advanced in some areas of the country than others, but to suggest that there is no future in signalling is ludicrous. Even if the signaller role were to cease to exist in the near future (which is never going to happen) the knowledge and understanding of signalling principles is transferrable to many other railway jobs, including engineering etc.

OP, I think you've come in for an absolute pasting over this signalling business. Yes, it might have come across as a bit left field but I think it's clear your intentions were to suggest a role to your OH that you knew about already and felt would allow him to achieve some of his goals. The people talking about father or railway fixations are being needlessly cruel and sneery towards you and towards the job itself. Whether or not you were misguided in your suggestion is really between you and your OH, it's certainly not the job for everyone (most people fail the application, including people with degrees who often then get all shitty about why they've failed and start throwing their toys out of the pram about stupid fucking people playing trains).

If you feel it would be a good fit then go for it. You obviously know the pitfalls and the advantages although you seem hung up on qualifications - you don't need them and a lack of qualifications doesn't mean you aren't able to study and learn. One note of caution I would sound is that both of you being signallers sounds tough on family life and of course the hours don't often work well with formal childcare settings. But no harm in both of you applying and seeing how you get on.

I make no comment on your relationship and the intricacies of what's going on there because I haven't read your other thread and feel like I've missed some stuff there.

@mrscampbellblackagain it's horrific isn't it? Sneering bullies everywhere on this thread.

I can just imagine how I would have reacted if my husband had tons ms to get the same job as his mother

I can't be bothered reading all the Thomas the Tank stuff - but I couldn't be doing with a man who dabbles at work and can't hold down a job.

Even really good IT & web design freelancers have big gaps between roles these days. I can't see that plus his hobby commission's being a decent lifeplan tbh. If it was being 'too concerned with family' (your words) that got him let go, was it your "terrible pregnancies" that affected his performance? How is he with work when there's no family issues? I'd wait for the January review . I can see he'd be unimpressed with a signalman job if he has a degree. You don't need to be fannying around with part time freelance job & a hobby job to redecorate either! Bizarre!

@Bluntness100

So long story short I said to him this morning why didn’t he train to become a railway signaller like my dad

I’m sorry but that made me laugh out loud. I can see why he wasn’t delighted

Did he ask dor your suggestion on a career change for him? Or has he ever suggested he wishes to emulate your father?

No wonder he blew up 🤣🤣🤣

I couldn't be doing with a man who dabbles at work and can't hold down a job

I know a lot of people who work hard but companies get rid as soon as they get to nearing 2 year employment. Nowadays it might not be for anything the employee has done other than been in employment for 1 year and 11 months and if they are older or more qualified and expect a little more in their pay packet then they stand no chance against a uni leaver who will work their 1 year and 11 months for peanuts only to find themselves out of a job.

@Greydove28- you might want to read the whole thread before you comment. It wasn’t random and it wasn’t because I want him to be my bloody father, so you can piss of as well. Bluntness has been asked to leave my thread and so can you.

I’ve had enough of posters kicking me whilst i am down. It wasn’t a random suggestion, it was an idea of a career change that my dad suggested had applicants training in at the moment which would fit around everything DH wants to do

This is my job! It's not the easiest to get into these days, a lot of the higher grade (so higher pay) jobs recruit current signallers rather than new starters but it does happen. It's 35hr week not 40. I find it fairly good for family life but I work every other weekend and it's impossible to find childcare that early or overnight so DH works around my shifts.

@NorfolkEnchance- how do you find it for work life balance? My dad does it and has genuinely been advising us that it is a good career to get into if you stepped into the training aspect of this. He meant for me but I think it would it suit DH more and after talking to him this weekend he says he will look into what it takes to become a signaller and what training he needs to do. I said I will look into it with him and on the training my dad told me about recently we will both send an application in. If neither of us get into the training then fine and if we both do than he or will look to continue with it.

Posters are talking like I’m crazy and have some kind of weird dad fetish but I don’t, it’s that I know a lot about it ticking all the boxes that DH seems to want that my dad had with us growing up.

It has really pissed me off that posters don’t seem to think I have a lot of knowledge in this but I’ve watched my dad do the manual signal boxes when I was younger and he moved to a ROC centre in early 2000’s.

Thank you for your post anyway, it is helpful I’m going to come off looking at now as some posters are genuinely rude bullies with nothing better to do in their lives and they’ve made me feel really really low and unworthy to even help my DH or myself better ourselves.

**I will not be viewing or responding to this post any further as some of the comments are bitchy, unnecessary and very very mentally damaging. I have been signed off work and I don’t need a barrage of laughing emojis from catty bitches who put that they “laughed out loud” at me thinking of a job for DH that would benefit everything he wants to achieve in life. And I am sorry that I didn’t wish to submit myself to trying something new when I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in the last few years.

I would be wary about giving up careers that you are climbing the ladder in and going into something that could in a few years end up being done by a computer.

I have one qualification in something that I managed to qualify in when I was 18. By my 19th birthday it was an obsolete qualification.

This thread was a bit of a train crash

@ZoeTurtle- are you commenting to hash it all back up so people can abuse and bully me again or are you actually going to be a genuine user who is wanting to provide advise.

I feel like it is my first point so can you kindly leave the thread alone.

It was a joke, and I thought you'd left the thread.

@ZoeTurtle- the thread was dying down and users accused me of having a dad fetish or train fetish for trying to support my family and I would like the thread to continue to die down.

I have been signed off work for stress and I don’t need users commenting to bring fresh insults to the feast. I already feel like I was devoured horribly by users for this post.

Well I took your “joke” as an invite to bring more insulting mumsnet posters to the thread and after being called all sorts. I don’t want the thread being “mumsnet bully popular” anymore

@Oliversmumsarmy as a general point you're right but since signalling won't be replaced by computers in a few years it's not a relevant point to this thread.

And I took your flounce to mean you were no longer reading messages, so I suppose we're even.

@ZoeTurtle- so you didn’t join the thread to give the user advice which is the point of this site. You commented to poke fun. I’ve reported your comment. You are just another sad bitter lonely mumsnet user who prays on users who are in a bad way.

Hope you are bloody proud of yourself.

Oh for goodness sake, step away from the thread like you said you were going to! I know how little things can feel like the end of the world when your mental health is bad, but it was a silly pun on a thread I was watching. You can't control other posters so you need to stop reading.

@ZoeTurtle- it’s my thread, I asked for advise and if posters are just going to bully and crack jokes than I have a right to be upset. The thread was dying off. Why did you even feel the need to comment?

Oh because it took you 9 pages in to make your unoriginal pun? Well done for being slow.

so you didn’t join the thread to give the user advice which is the point of this site.

You do realise you posted in AIBU not Jobs and Careers.
AIBU is full of people making jokes, poking holes in your arguments and generally a bun fight.
If you wanted genuine careers advice then Jobs and Careers would be better.

And to be honest a lot of people I know would be horrified at the suggestion they become a railway signaller because it isn't a normal MC career choice.
(Personally having talked to people in lots of careers I'd be happier if my DC wanted to be a train driver than a teacher - the work life balance is much better.)

You can't help someone who won't help themselves, I suppose.

Hope you and Mr Logic can get your careers back on track. Good luck.