Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Are your kids happy?? You're giving yourself a really hard time.

I think you sound like me life wise actually, my house is a mess because I hate housework so only the bare minimum gets done. My toddlers are really really annoying, it's a good job they are cute.

I've learnt to let a lot of things go. And definitely believe that comparison is the thief of joy.

If you have 4 young children I don’t see how having a picture perfect life is possible without staff! If your all fed and kids are happy you’re doing amazingly well op. A nice book though is Madame chic by Jennifer l Scott

Your kids are TINY! Cut yourself some slack OP Just a few baby steps to improve things gradually will be fine. Grand plans are for when the DCs are teenagers.

Why have four children?

Wow OP, you have 4 young children, I mean that's just knackering even thinking about it. I have 2, I'm a SAHM but our house is usually a mess and I just shaved my legs for the first time in 3 months.

When our second DC was born I felt totally overwhelmed, and like I was failing in absolutely everything because it wasn't perfect, but I was totally sleep deprived, and it turned out had PND.

If you're looking for really practical ideas. For me everything got better with time (OK I know there's nothing you can do about that), support (counselling and my DH) and sleep (I mean again there's not much you can do about this but sleep deprivation is a killer). Time to myself was pretty helpful in getting me to keep my cool (pretty hard to achieve but still worth trying!), just to give me space to breathe, a bit of piece and quiet to be less grumpy and snappy. Could you start with something small, maybe set aside 20 minutes for a board game or walk with just the eldest kids where things are a bit easier?

Hold up tooty while op digs up the refund receipt.

Oh hang on, she can't send them back. But let's kick op in the nuts all the same. 🙄

Only read first page of your post.

I saw a short you tube video where Jordan Peterson said, each day live your best day. I found that really helpful and try to do that each day, each morning think, what would my best day today look like, and try to do that. He also said you may only achieve 50% of it, but that's fine - try for 50.5 tomorrow.

Agree with others - make small changes, small goals. But here is the best advice that helped me to make a major life behaviour change a few decades ago, make achieving the change a long term goal - I set myself a year long goal, and ACCEPT THAT FAILURE IS PART OF THE PROCESS. Can't emphasise enough how important that is. So if you completely fuck up, its fine, its not a reason to quit, its part of the process. Just keep on working to your behaviour change the next day.

I think you can make positive changes, but it's hard to break out of habits, and trying to achieve "perfection" is only setting yourself up for failure.

You need to prioritise which aspects of your "fantasy life" are most important to you (where you live? being more active? eating more healthily? spending less time with the TV?) and work toward an achievable version of that. Break it down into small steps and be prepared for it to not go smoothly all the time.

It takes time and commitment to change your habits, but it is do-able. What isn't possible is changing everything at once-- especially with young children. Don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think anyone lives up to their childhood ideals, really.

Small steps.
Can you get paid help in to clean or declutter?
If not, do it yourself. Room by room. Start today with the living room / lounge.

You have many many hours in the day. Not to be too harsh but how many hours a day do you spend staring into a screen (laptop/ tablet/ smart phone/pc)? Claim back those hours. The answer isn't online, but is in yourself. Seek help for this addiction if you can't conquer it yourself.

Get a table / clear the table. Make homemade food. Don't start with an elaborate 2hour prep meal. Start with pasta and passata and cheese.
Use shortcuts in kitchen, but keep it homemade.
Board games can be too tough and rule based for very young children. Try more kiddy based table games. That one that's a honeycomb that you pull the sticks/leaves out of. Various plastic games that kids love. They teach turn taking and how to play a game.

Go out more. No screens before everyone is dressed and breakfasted.

Can you just find a few elements of the life you want, and do them every week? Play a family game one Saturday every month, homecook dinner every week, family walk every Sunday, you don't have to do everything all the time, just bits here and there. You'll feel a lot more human.
If it helps, I remember walks in the woods as happening every Sunday when I was a child, according to my mum, it was more every month!

If you talk to yourself the way you are OP you're going to find it really hard to change. First thing is to give yourself some empathy. Toddlers are tough. Work on you first, can you do one thing for you each day? Yoga? Meditation? Anything you like. You'll find your level of motivation changes when you look after you first

Why have four children?

this place is mad today

well she can't really send her children back, so she will have to work with what she has got!

Four DC at the ages they are, that's tough, you've likely got one or more crying, tantrumming, bickering with the other, tired and grumpy, for a large proportion of every day! Which is just natural child development, they like us to know when they're not happy! I think we all have parental guilt that we're not doing the best we can or not living the idyll. This is 2020 though, awful year that it is, you need to cut yourself some slack.

I felt guilty that my son, 9, spends too much time on screens. But he is actually passionate about coding and scripting, so he makes his own games, shows me the scripts. So while I thought he was spending hours wasting his life on mindless games, he's actually been teaching himself LUA and JavaScript, something that could be useful in the future.

I homecook fairly often but I can't say I enjoy it or think it's anything special, I think I appreciate the times we get a takeaway as I can properly relax in the evening rather than spend it cleaning up! And the kids always seem more excited about takeaway food!

As long as your children feel loved and secure, they won't care that you're not living the idyll. Even their idea of a perfect life might not be the same as yours. I'm the type that always likes to be out and about but my DC are homebodies, they like nothing more than to have a day at home,
playing or relaxing with no demands made of them!

Why have four children?
It is a rude but fair question in these situations.
I couldn't handle 4 DC under 8 or 18.
I wouldn't go again it is your choice.

Haven't RTFT but sounds like you are overwhelmed (understandably), and when overwhelmed some (me included) can freeze at the sheer volume or range of activities and chores that we coulda woulda shoulda....

My advice is to start with one thing. Make a dinner. Set the table. Have a family meal. I fell into the toddlers eating separately thing and for a while, dinner in front of the TV was common. And kids ate separately. I don't know why. I now make a point of setting the table and having a proper sit down meal at the table. I don't cook from scratch every day but I probably do it 3-4 times a week, the rest of the time it's fish fingers and chips and peas type meal, but even then I set the table and I put the dinner out and everyone sits down properly. Eventually it becomes absolutely routine and you'll look back and think it odd that you did it differently. It's just habit forming. Don't expect the kids to behave like perfect little angels off a sitcom for the first at least 20 times you do things, but eventually they will see what you do as absolutely routine too.

Maybe try and bake once a fortnight or even once a month. Again, when you do it a few times it'll seem odd, you'll be hunting for paper cases and they'll probably burn or whatever but eventually, it'll become routine and not such a big deal. Same for board games.

Please don't go through life waiting for the "perfect" moment to arrive to start things. It'll never arrive. There will always be this or that or the washing to take out or maybe tomorrow or... or... etc. Just start now. Literally dig out the board game even if it only gets to the setting up bit and play doesn't really take off. It doesn't matter. Setting it up and giving it a go is a breakthrough. x

Aaww girl you are way too hard on yourself.

If you want to make changes, start small. Make a list and prioritise. It could be,
I want to start wearing eyeliner & mascara every day. Do that until you feel ready to tick another thing of your list.

As for the playing with children/baking. I hate all that stuff but I'm still a nice parent and so are you!

Welcome to the club lol

Just do one thing a day focused on your dc, one thing focused on your home and one thing focused on yourself. Put your phone away for that time.
Today I took dc for a proper kick up the leaves walk in the woods, did a whole load of laundry and got dcs to help with the laundry and some cleaning. I’ve got a new easy read book (some good recommendations on a mumsnet Christmas thread) and I’ll be reading that later.
Anything else that happens is a bonus.

It is hard because your dcs are small but it’s not impossible. You will be able to get your dream (probably with a few rough edges) but it’ll come in a couple of years.
In the meantime, work towards it and enjoy your life as much as you can.

Food cooked in a slow cooker doesn't have to be slop. If you are low on energy and time , you can use chicken or gammon and a couple of can of soup. Serve with barely steamed veg. Job done.

It is a rude but fair question in these situations.

It would be a fair question if OP was posting as a mother of two and saying she wanted to have two more. But as it is, she is already a mother of 4 so it is an entirely pointless question because it does precisely nothing to help OP with her current situation. Does it? So no, it isn’t a fair question. It’s just a snide dig.

I have 4 kids with similar age gaps but my youngest is almost 4 now. It is so so much easier now! No matter what anyone says how hard or easy it will be also depends on the personality of the kids. My eldest is a girl and absolutely brilliant and was always very helpful and my second (DS) was always quiet and occupied himself. But my number 3 and 4 are handfuls- no way would I have had 4 kids if I had them first. One of my best friends has 4 too but her 1 and 3 are the challenge. So just cut yourself some slack and survive it and as they get older make sure they all help as much as possible. Independence skills are great! I also find it is very important for both parents to spend one on one time with each child - makes them better behaved and feel valued.

I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away.

Goodness me, what fairy tale do you have in your head?

You sound like a very caring mum anyway. If you have your kids' best interests at heart you're doing great.