Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Oh and I hate baking with the dc

Makes an awful mess

Maybe get playdoh out instead?

@Stircrazyschoolmum

8 kids! The thought brings me out in hives!

On top of my paper sorting I’m declaring fajitas for dinner tomorrow... a big winner in our house!! How about you upset? (Keep it simple remember!)

okay I will sort out a drawer of clothes make mash and gravy type tea what else I'll have a long bath but bring in my book and lock out the kids

sorry stir crazy
I was doing bed time

don't forget to tell me if you did it all tomorrow

You’re being so so hard on yourself. You’re doing great and I feel exactly the same as a lone parent but only with two kids. The making a to do list for the weekend and just ticking off some is great. I don’t always eat at table for same reasons you describe I need my space but when we have a takeaway or a meal like fajitas we do as a special family meal .. that’s enough once a week for us 😂 get board games that work with young kids like haba little orchard ! Movie night with popcorn blankets after a walk to co op where everyone gets to choose their own pack of sweets ! Trip to park to collect leaves and make a nest in the garden. Any of them then just do 3 and be a vegetable for the rest of the weekend .. they’ll have those good bits that they’ll rememebr and free play and being bored is important for the rest of the time !

^I think that too many people don't realize how hard family life can be. It's relentless at times. You could try cooking with the kids maybe?
I think most people just get through it as best they can. You just never get the truth from most people!^

This +1

Exploding kittens is a very good card game that your 5 and 7yo should get the hang of easy enough and the 2yo can be your playing partner and put down the cards for you. A game lasts 15mins.

I am also hopeless at mothering and doing stuff these days, things we’ve started doing

Card game 15 mins. Save the board games for when they’re bigger. UNO is also a favourite here
Cutting paper, all you need is coloured paper and scissors
Made brownies last night, literally 10 mins to mix then 20 or so in the oven. The kids can fetch the ingredients and help measure and pour
Put some uncooked rice in a bowl and give them a spoons and cups to spoon rice into, hide some small toys in there they can find.
Freeze some toys into a container of water, my 10yo took the meat tenderiser and a muddler outside and smashed it open.
Play dough play
Paint rocks for the garden
For the 2yo, set up some colour matching activities or letters/numbers. When they’re busy do something with the older 2.

All things that are minimal effort to set up but you feel like you’re providing some stimulation and doing something with them. My friend is a mum of 8 and her advice was even 10-15 mins a day with each of them makes a big difference.

oh also I meant paying rent to live where I don't want to live, paying for electric to be sucked into tech I don't want to be addicted to (most of us are i know) and paying for takeaways way too much lately for crap food that is making me feel shitter.

I'm no doctor but your post rings of depression to me.

I say that as I could have written it myself so no judgment but is it something you have considered?

Omg op please be kinder to yourself, I've 4 kids with similar age gaps and when they were babies life was soo hard! My house was a shit tip, I was a wreck.
You are doing great, this all gets easier as they grow. I promise!

There’s no such thing as a perfect life. But there is such a thing as life changing in an instant. Mine did when I lost the use of my arms and legs. Then you know what “can’t” feels like. Before then, I’d had very severe depression which had led to hospitalisations. I would get sucked into doom loops like you, OP. But god I’d give anything to be in your shoes now. Physical health is everything. Get up and live the life you can.

As for where to live if you move teenagers to the country they will have one bad school miles away, you will be driving them everywhere and their only hobby will be shooting drugs with the locals at the local bus stop, if you are lucky enough to have a bus stop. The rural idyll may best kept for once your children leave home.
@Xenia is that your actual assessment of how people live in the country? It is possible to live in a less built up area with nice walks, but also with good schools, bus stops and no drug addicts.

Rather than use my phone for notes and reminders, I use a whiteboard screwed on to the wall in the living-room, right by the door into the utility and kitchen, with the clock above. Marker attached to length of string. A quick note as I go by, of the next wash load, dinner, garden job, etc. Stops me being distracted by getting my phone out.

And please consider the possibility of depression. Mine were close in age, and one bout of pnd merged into following pregnancies, until I sincerely believed I was a horrible person, and that stopped me seeking help. Which in turn has had longterm consequences for mental health and friendships.

OP, please be kind to yourself. You have four kids under 10, I have two and there are more days than not when I would like to scream and run away never to return again.

But to tell you some things that work for me.

First, when it comes to fun things to do with children, do only things you enjoy. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it.

I like board games. I'm board games geek and in perfect life we would order pizza and play all day long. But, my family is not that enthusiastic so.... We play on weekends (me, my husband and our six year old boy) after lunch when baby is asleep, and we play games my son (and I) will enjoy like Kingdomino, Qwirkle, Labyrinth. If I want to play alone with my son it has to be when my one year old is playing with her dad. But I'm teaching her to love board games so one day I'll have my dream board gaming family.

Piano and singing is my idea of hell, so I can't help with that.

Baking cookies with kids... Yes... I don't know how other women manage. I like to bake on my own, but I also like to bake with my son on Christmas eve cookies for Santa. Solution is to batch cook few weeks before and freeze and then on the day we just have to shape them and put them to bake. Win win for both sides.

Also I have a list of 20 minutes meals (pork tenderloin and frozen vegetableshere I come) I do. And I like batch cooking on weekend because I close myself in kitchen with radio or mumsnet and enjoy on my own. Yes, I chop vegetables reading mumsnet. I wonder if anybody else does it?

I like to cycle so I love to leave my one year old to my husband and cycle with my six year old. Is that possible in your case? We are all in the park, but the two of us cycle, and the two of them are on the swings.

Take care of yourself OP. You sound like a great mum. The fact that you care is great step forward.

Be kind to yourself op having 4 young children is hard. You sound like your energy and motivation are seriously depleted.
I remember barely getting through the days with a baby and toddler. That's without 2 bigger kids in the mix and covid complicating the situation!

I would definitely recommend tonight having a bath, shaving ( if you want to) - small steps each time. Book yourself in to get your haircut ( when they open) you do not need to feel embarrassed and will feel better.

I have spent the week sorting out my house ( off work/ kids in school/ nursery) and I feel so much better for it. 6 big bags of toys and 4 bin bags if clothes went off to the charity shop. I feel better for it.

I meant paying rent to live where I don't want to live, paying for electric to be sucked into tech I don't want to be addicted to (most of us are i know) and paying for takeaways way too much lately for crap food that is making me feel shitter
All these things are changeable granted moving might take them the others can be changed instantly.
Make a shopping list start small make 3 homemade dinners to begin with.
Simple meals spaghetti bolognese a tray bake, chicken stew then move up to 4 meals or batch cook 2 nights.
Once you make changes you'll feel happier. It is horrible feeling out of control.

"I do enjoy baking, I don't enjoy the prep and clean up.
dh bakes loads and we buy the big 15kg bags of flour. he goes through a lot. its like a kick in the face that I don't do it.
he does it on his own sometimes and sometimes he brings the stuff onto the coffee table to let the kids have a go each. he really is a great dad. he plays with the kids most days and I am definitely coasting through on his effort. thats the truth. its shameful"
To be honest that sounds like a lovely thing that he does with the kids - just let him have that and let go of the guilt about not being involved! Maybe take the time he spends with the kids baking to read a book (not phone time) OR maybe get some quality one on one time with one of your other kids just for 15 mins or half an hour. Sounds like baking can be crossed off your to-do's...

OP everyone feels like they are too weary or exhausted at some point when they have small children, especially toddlers. If it is not raining get kids dressed up and go for that walk to collect leaves, once toddler is in bed play snakes and ladders with other kids. That game only takes 10 mins. Make a family meal like a stew you can all eat for 2 days then on second day when you don't have to cook make a few cup cakes and let kids decorate 2 cakes each. Try to get kids out each day not raining as they will sleep better and make you feel better. I just ordered some Xmas stampers for making home made Xmas cards for ds to send to family and friends. He will only do a few before getting bored so starting now. Get some coloured lip gloss to avoid cracked lips.

Other quick and easy games are picture dominoes and picture snap.

Yeah you need games which don't have counters or squares for counters to sit in...always a disaster with young children.

That crocodile teeth game is good, where you have to push the teeth down...no extra parts or complicated things.

Uno is good for primary age dc.

Orchard games for young children are brilliant...simple and quick

@caringcarer

OP everyone feels like they are too weary or exhausted at some point when they have small children, especially toddlers. If it is not raining get kids dressed up and go for that walk to collect leaves, once toddler is in bed play snakes and ladders with other kids. That game only takes 10 mins. Make a family meal like a stew you can all eat for 2 days then on second day when you don't have to cook make a few cup cakes and let kids decorate 2 cakes each. Try to get kids out each day not raining as they will sleep better and make you feel better. I just ordered some Xmas stampers for making home made Xmas cards for ds to send to family and friends. He will only do a few before getting bored so starting now. Get some coloured lip gloss to avoid cracked lips.

stew is a brilliant idea - eat one day then the next day put into a pie.

And go easy on yourself OP.

Little changes - I gree. This thread inspired me to take my DSs (kicking and screaming) out for a walk today in a new place. They fought it and were bad tempered about it. We wandered around in gorse. We saw 2 cock pheasants suqaring up at each other. we saw an old WW2 bunker that we did not know was there. The DSs engaged me in a conversation about their roblox avatars that usually I do not have time for (and it was surprisingly interesitng as to why they chose what) and then we were home. I have a tendency to try and change everything at once and then feel I am a failure. Today i just said that i wanted to go for a walk. It was enough for today.

Changing little things incrementally is brilliant.

*not IN gorse (too prcikly) but we were om downs and gorse and it was great.

@upsetandang have a look at Flylady (easily Googled) She is excellent for babystepping your way into a much happier and more organised life, and promotes self care and family time too.
Changed my family's life

How’s your Sunday going @upsetandang ?

I’ve got some work done and am annoying some pate on toast and a cup of tea!

Checking in as promised.. just polished off the fajitas and cleared 80% of paper pile. Old nail polish off but yet to paint on new colour. All in all good enough. How did you fare @upsetandang?

@SockDrawer did you make your pate very cross?!

haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

Brilliant. Razors are fucking expensive 🤷‍♂️

I'm half way through sorting the washing mountain, it's all washed but about 5 loads not sorted in baskets! Half way is better than none of the way.

You do sound overwhelmed, OP. Or even depressed. Have you thought of chatting with the health visitor over the phone or the GP and doing a post-natal depression score and seeing how it comes out?

I mean I know I would feel overwhelmed and unsuccessful if I had four kids as I struggled with two, so it's hard for me to judge! You do need to be nicer and kinder to yourself though- you can't expect your life to just magically bounce back after a fourth baby, and no one is out volunteering in the middle of Covid.

You are doing great posting here, you have some things you want to try and change, you've inspired me to at least set a couple of (minor) goals this weekend myself, so you've done one good thing already.