Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

I think you need to work on your self esteem. What do other people see as your good points?

I think if you are nicer and kinder to yourself, in a while you will automatically be nicer to everyone else. Do you have a partner? Where are they in all this? We started to do better in lockdown (despite the horror that was home education) because we had to work as a team more.

Also 2020 is not a normal year.

Get a slow cooker and give yourself a break

Please come back and update us about how the weekend goes!
By the way I'm still in bed on mumsnet. So what?

Four kids is hard. Alter your expectations. You cannot be wonder woman and have 4 kids aged 7-0. So you pick a couple of things and aim for that.

Once those couple of things are nicely ingrained on your routine, add one or two more. Slowly slowly.

Do one thing, then when you've got them used to that, try another. Try it for a while, persevere, don't expect it to be immediately joyful.

I grew up in a family where we did have big family meals round the table every night, sing-songs, mother and son playing duets in the evenings, reading aloud, board games, family walks and picnics. And very lovely it is to remember. But that doesn't mean it was always easy or joyful at the time.

I also have very clear memories of grumpy children having to be badgered to take part, arguments around the dinner table, one child moaning if a few rain drops fell on him. I remember trying to get out of berry picking on a Sunday by arguing it was against the 4th commandment and my parents (who were non-believers) shooting straight back with the 5th commandment (honour thy father and thy mother).

What Stellaroses says about laughing at the failures is perfect. As a family of now middle-aged children we bond around the things that went wrong as much as anything else.

I'd start with meal planning as you have to eat either way and making a bit more effort with something yout already do us easier than starting a new thing altogether. Plus, you can do it from the sofa- look up some easy recipes, start an online order and plan how and when you want to eat each meal. That way, your first step is a small, doable one and you can start right away, which will help the other jobs seem more manageable.

I get how you feel. I think there's two things that might help:

1. realizing (and acknowledging) that change takes aaaages. When I look at the big changes in my life, whether leaving one career for the one I actually wanted, or changing an aspect of my personality (eg used to be chronically late, now am always on time) it has taken years, literally. Possibly a decade for one of them. But it starts with small steps.

2. I find I'm dragged down by clutter. So for me doing the Marie Kondo thing really helped. As with all self help books I'd hoped it would change my whole life, which it hasn't, but it has put building blocks in place to change other things to get me to where I want to be (which, like you, includes a bit of Insta-mumming).

And don't forget, a lot of those Instamum moments are literally seconds anyway. Over half term (2 weeks here, was tearing my hair out by the end) I got out poster paints, crafts etc to do pumpkin painting. He did like three strokes on a pumpkin then said he wanted a new one. Then he said he was done. I spent longer washing it all up and putting it away than he'd spent playing with it. Then half an hour later he said he wanted to do it again

Oh, with your update I can see that you are just super tired with a challenging toddler and a newborn as well as two older children. Good lord, I think the answer is give yourself a break and realise that is a LOT of work for one person!!

Please be nicer to yourself.

Your kids sound young and things will get a lot better in time.

My house used to be a tip when the kids were toddlers - I just couldn't find the energy to do more than keep it ticking over.

It's lovely now and I find it very easy to maintain.

They're old enough to play games and I usually look from scratch because they're old enough to keep themselves occupied while I do.

Basically, remember what it is that you want and keep adding to it as time goes by. Think of it as a goal to work towards rather than a stick to beat yourself with.

The very first thing I would start with is to start speaking to/about yourself the way you would a dear friend. You're horrible to yourself (lazy bitch/shithole etc) and that's reflected in the life you live. Forget the picture perfect life. Take time to care for yourself - you deserve it.

Also how old are the DC? Could you get a part time job? I'm mostly a SAHM so I'm not knocking that for a second, but unless you are the highly motivated, driven type (I'm not either!) then I don't think it's a good choice for you. After feeling much the same as you for years (shouty with the DC/frustrated/no motivation) I knew something had to change. I started a masters and some part time volunteering work relevant to the masters. It's given me a new lease of life!

I'm wearing makeup, doing my hair, buying new clothes and it's all having a knock on effect to my DCs as I'm more motivated to get up and out, I have more energy and I just feel less ground-down overall.

Think about the small steps you could take to improve things for you first, then that will trickle down to the rest of the family.

Maybe start eating around the table a couple times a week (home Meade meal)? Maybe start walking more if you have green space near by? Maybe play a board game once a week?

I guess my life is half like what you want and half like you have. I live in the countryside, we go for walks but we don’t eat at the table (we haven’t got one) and rarely play board games as the kids would rather play tech. I think what you are wanting is pretty rare these days because people’s lives are busy, kids prefer tech to board games and many people don’t have access to places to walk dogs.

You can make small changes and you can compromise, sometimes instead of a board game I will play “just dance” with the dc’s on the switch, sometimes we watch tv together.

I probably cook from scratch 4 times a week, we often get a take away or eat out once a week and sometimes we eat beans on toast because it’s been a busy day and I don’t want to cook.

I think most of our dreams are based on what we have seen in films as children, I always wanted a big family Christmas in a big house with a huge Christmas tree because that’s what Christmas is like in films (home alone) 😂 but it’s not reality.

family games are never what they are cracked up to be,
they are hard work, and often end badly

try and appreciate what you have op, this is real life

I get you op but your children are still small and you have 4 and I think your doing a great job. I think when they are little older you might start achieving some of the things you have mentioned. Your two eldest ones despite being 5 and 7, I bet they love messing around and when they are a little older, the younger two would follow their lead so you will have better quality time. I had different expectations when I had DS 20 months. I wanted to be a mum doing loads of activities and be super organised whereas in reality, even though I have only one, I am fighting fire as it's hectic and you have 4? Don't be hard on yourself, it will get much better as they get older. I think with COVID too a lot of people have lost motivation as I've been talking to friends and are all on the same boat. X

I'm not judging , but I'd definitely shave as I find a hot shower shave and hair wash instantly makes me feel better. Do you have a partner to keep an eye on the children whilst you have a bit of time to yourself?
Most people don't have the perfect life, believe me. Even those that do live the country life probably have bad times too.

youre focusing on fantasy rather than reality. The picture in your head of how its meant to be. its not how it is in the modern world with real stresses and modern children. Its pretty shit for children when their parents try and impose a fantasy on them, so youre better off making much smaller changes.
You dont have to have evenings dedicated to piano, but you could teach yourself piano or join a band/orchestra.
You could play board games sometimes, rather than hating yourself for not playing them every night
Eating at the table could be done for sunday lunch, but every night might be a bit stressful

4 kids at those ages. You are amazing for even keeping them alive and well! Don't be so hard on yourself, small steps

With small kids I found getting them outside for a run around every day was essential. Nothing worse than being trapped in the same 4 walls day in, day out and feeling you never get a break. Get them coated and booted and go anywhere at all that’s safe for them to run around for as long as you can all tolerate. Go straight after breakfast or lunch so they’re not going to whinge about being hungry after 20 minutes and you don’t have to worry about bringing a picnic. Toilet them all before you go and chuck a potty in the pram or car. Bring a book for yourself.

You've 4 young DC no wonder you are overwhelmed.
I keep my house clean but I'm crap at putting things back and it takes me longer than the average person.
I liked the secret slob on YouTube. Don't use it to procrastinate start small today. The videos do motivate me she basically does fly lady but in easier steps.

Start small. Maybe buy yourself a new lipstick and perfume from avon and wear it taking the kids to the park. Take a book with you when you go. Maybe get the kids to help draw items from your shopping list and then go get the ingredients to make the dinner.

I think it's to do with the age of your kids. When the youngest is 5/6 you will be able to do the things you are wanting and until then, it's just survival. Lower the bar and pat yourself on the back for keeping them all alive every day!

@Stellaroses

Have you considered that you might have depression? Just a thought. And yes pp is right, step away from insta, Pinterest and the like. It's not real.

This x

4 under 7 is HARD. As everyone else has said, a) don't compare yourself. fakebook is not real life. I'm a single mum and put stuff on there that makes it looks like we're smashing it, days out, lego competitions, humorous anecdotes, mostly so people will comment how brilliant I am. I don't put on the fact that they have freezer food or pasta most nights, on their laps because I can't be arsed with the whinging to get them to come to the table. I don't put on that I decided I can't have world war three in my house every day so DS has mostly as much screen time as he wants. I don't put on that I hide in the kitchen listening to R4 for about 90 minutes every evening "doing chores". b) Pick the one thing, a game, a meal whatever and do it how you want to do it, accepting the fact that it won't go "right" but it will happen. How about doing a meal at the table with food in the middle so kids pick from there rather than your plate. If you play a game, keep it simple and don't care too much about the rules c) please don't go down the "am I depressed" route - SAHM to 4 kids isn't easy, you SHOULD feel stressed and pissed off and not want to do it some days. Accept that, give zero fucks about what it all "should" look like and take little victories - everyone alive and fed? Win.

The life you want is a fallacy. You are so wrapped up in the perfect ideal that you know is unattainable so you don't even try.