Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

If you want to do baking start with some easy wins like cupcakes, cornflake cakes or milies cookie recipe on BBC food is so easy but I do use less sugar. My girls love them.

Baking is one of those activities you think should be magical but it's really just a sticky mess making exercise to add to your workload.

My dd is ten and I actually genuinely enjoy baking with her now. Not so much at toddler age.

i think some things have to be worth the effort. I'm a nanny and people often say i make looking after my charges easy. but my reply is always, I work bloody hard to make it look this easy! every day.
every meal. no toys at table. no iPads. use your cutlery. ask to leave when you finished. etc etc.
every board game. wait your turn. be a gracious loser. stay focused. help your sibling.
Every baking session. be patient. do your bit. listen to the instructions. pay attention.
Each time it would be easier to give in and walk away from it. but i persist because i have my eye on the prize and i know it will be wit it.

All of these micro habits build up to a lifestyle for a family. bit by bit a family culture is formed.

However, i do wonder if what you're actually missing is some form of connection or communication within your family. it doesn't matter if you watch telly and eat takeaways really, if thats what brings you together as a family. and you feel bonded and united and like you're truly making memories and experiencing life. Maybe look inward, what truly makes you feel contented and joyful? then you can break that down to daily/weekly actions

Good luck xxxx

I liek meal planning, but i hook it around regular faves I do not have to think about.

So we always have fajitas of some sort on Tuesdays and we always have soup and cheese toasties on Sundays and we always have sausages of some sort on Thursdays. Those are givens and no more thinking about it. The meals inside those perameters might vary (we had Italian sausage and grape stew last week- and then sausages and baked beans the week before- sausages and mash the week before that- you get the idea) but the peramters are set on those days. It eases up dinner decisions and the rest is at it comes. It's been a gamechanger for me.

Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

I think you have a visual picture in your head of how this should look OP, but the reality is very different. To achieve this you’d have to be slaving in the kitchen for an hour or two, then afterwards you’d have a load of washing up to do. Family games and singing sounds lovely (albeit quite Victorian) but I imagine it would get dull and boring very quickly.

But an easy activity is to buy a pack of rich tea biscuits, some little tubes of icing that you squeeze out and some sweets and let them decorate the biscuits. Far less faff and mess

I have great memories of Saturday night tv, gladiators, blind date, noels house party and a lovely Chinese take away always eaten in the living room

Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment

I have to be honest, that sounds like my idea of pure hell

Focus on yourself. Start small. I have the best book recommendation for you: Dr Rangan Chatterjee Feel Better in Five. You can do it.

OP I’ve not RTFT but Jesus you have 4 kids under 10 including a baby and toddler, cut yourself some slack!!!!!

I get you want the ‘perfect countryside family’ image but that is so much easier when the kids are more self sufficient (and sleeping through the night)!

When youngest is 5, if you still don’t have it together then fair enough reassess! Only issue with having an age gap of more than 5 years is that oldest tends to lose out whilst you’re still in the baby/toddler haze.

Also, as someone who shares your kinda life - country house, piano...etc I know the ‘image’ you’re talking about is outwardly projected. Family meals around the table, board games...etc they are an occasion thing not an everyday. I live opposite the epitome of ‘perfect countryside family’ and I regularly see their youngest boy running back from the pub on a weekday evening arms laden with take away boxes.

If you wanna change something start with just one day a week. Dinner at table and a Disney movie!

Give yourself a break op, you've got 4 young dc...some people struggle with one!

@formerbabe

Baking is one of those activities you think should be magical but it's really just a sticky mess making exercise to add to your workload.

My dd is ten and I actually genuinely enjoy baking with her now. Not so much at toddler age.

Exactly!

@formerbabe

I have great memories of Saturday night tv, gladiators, blind date, noels house party and a lovely Chinese take away always eaten in the living room

Exactly - watching tv as a family is fab! X

:00PrawnofthePatriarchy

I'm a lazy bitch and so ashamed. literally can't believe my kids have me as a mother. their mother is so mean and boring.

Would you talk like that to anyone else? Or would you find it demeaning and cruel?

I'm sure you're a loving, devoted mum. You sound as if you may be depressed

well no i wouldn't say that about anyone else like this because I would give them the benefit of the doubt. but I KNOW I am lazy. I KNOW i am mean. I snap at the kids loads more than is necessary but I can't seem to stop myself. I sit down and take 5 every 5 mins, even though I know the dishes need doing and the floor needs vacuuming.

I can't hide from myself, I know what I am and I'm just a shell of the person I was about 2 years ago.

right since this is my thread I will be self obsessed and list what I did 2/3 years ago

-Completed a college course online that cost 600 pounds
-volunteered at a job I wanted to be when I was a grown up

• bike rides more than twice a week, most days actually.
• work out daily
• water and good food
• days out
• visited family loads and had generally a great time
• when I was volunteering I had to dress smart, so I started dressing smart for the school run and I looked and felt great

then I had another baby, pregnancy got me and I stopped bike rides.
what else?
well I couldn't volunteer anymore because dh wasn't available for childcare anymore (6 day a week working)
hmm I suppose I didn't go anywhere anymore so I didn't dress well.
I'm not that sad about the makeup, I like my skin better without it so thats a plus.
id like to get my hair cut (its a mess) but I feel too embarrassed to go.
I've even stopped saying hello to the mums on the school run. I don't even know why- i just stopped after lockdown it didn't seem worth the effort (to be fair i like that because it was a pain making small talk- I'm not very good at it and get very very quiet and red and embarrassed Every Time.)

We did kon Marie, got rid of bags and bags of stuff. honestly the living room is empty now so easy to keep onto of but the washing basket is full and there is a massive pile behind the kitchen door.

I don't know. I'm quite happy about some things but when I think of what I've got left to do I just feel overwhelmed.

I do enjoy baking, I don't enjoy the prep and clean up.
dh bakes loads and we buy the big 15kg bags of flour. he goes through a lot. its like a kick in the face that I don't do it.
he does it on his own sometimes and sometimes he brings the stuff onto the coffee table to let the kids have a go each. he really is a great dad. he plays with the kids most days and I am definitely coasting through on his effort. thats the truth. its shameful

long I know but I do need to keep a record of this to read later and improve

Haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if it's already been posted, but for any procrastinators who would like to procrastinate a little more, I highly recommend this:

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

@formerbabe
decorating biscuits actually is a great idea.
I actually can't believe I haven't had that idea
what the actual fuck

[quote upsetandang]@formerbabe
decorating biscuits actually is a great idea.
I actually can't believe I haven't had that idea
what the actual fuck[/quote]
Hopefully will buy you five minutes peace!!

You need to start the day by feeling nice. If make up isn't your thing then sort your hair out & put on some clothes that make you feel smart/nice. If I dress & look like shit, I feel like shit. It sets the tone for the day. That's just me though.

@upsetandang It sounds like you are very depressed you are continually kicking yourself the shouting is frustration. Can you see a GP? It is very hard to see the light when overwhelmed.
I'm sure your DC adore you, try see yourself through their eyes.

I feel like I'm the same. I'll have two weeks a month where I can make the effort and two where it's all beyond me. It's 100% tied to my hormones. I downloaded the "hormone horoscope" app after it was recommended on MN and it deffo tallies up with my cycle 😂

"maybe I could write a list of things to do each day and check them off as I go. any ideas what a perfect day would be like?"

From experience, you'll write too much each day and only beat yourself up when you don't achieve it. I have started setting myself just three goals a week.

What about one big family, home cooked meal round the table (a shepherds pie or the like. Make double and freeze half, if you can afford to do so. Then you can have it again in 2-3 weeks without having to actually cook it all over again!)

What about setting up an activity for the kids after school or at the weekend. 5 minute mum on Instagram has some good ideas that shouldn't take more than 5 minutes!

And a visit to the cool park or a walk somewhere.

I think it's best to start small, start achievable and build up.

If I don't get much achieved in the part of my cycle where I can barely move off the sofa, I don't beat myself up for it cus i know I'll feel better the next week.

I feel like I'm the same. I'll have two weeks a month where I can make the effort and two where it's all beyond me. It's 100% tied to my hormones Haha that is me all over. I have pmdd my DC, my home, appearance, goes to pot every fortnight.
AD help a lot.

The book you wish your parents had read - Philippa Perry
And
www.juliemorgenstern.com/time-to-parent

Fly lady for house

I definitely spent at least 2 years not shaving (warmer in the winter). Really give yourself a break too.

Could you do one of these things once per week? Like one week make the meal for around the table,once a week go to a park for away one week help them bake etc

Write a list of 5 things you need to do in the day
Example

Wash dishes
Wash a load of clothes
Do the hoover downstairs
Make dinner from scratch
Take kids to the park

I find if I have to make dinner after we get in I’ll be too tired. Make the dinner before you go out.