Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Me too OP..I have a baby, you have a toddler, and as much as we want to do lots of things it is hard when they are very little. Even going out takes ages doesn't it?! My house looks like a bombsite most of the time.. however one thing I don't do is shout at the kids - even during lock down when I was trying to home school. Even though I am a gobby bird from East London, I don't think I have ever shouted at my kids in anger. It's because I was raised by very angry parents myself, so much shouting and smacking, so I am a laid back parent myself (I mean if they make a mess, spill something,I would never tell them off for it). I know I have many faults, but I am proud of myself that my kids aren't scared of me. I would say that we see so many images of perfect parenting, but none of it is real - are your kids happy, healthy and loved? Well that's the main thing and you should be proud of yourself for that. I understand wanting to live a different lifestyle though. I will be reading through these posts for any tips ..

@EmmaJR1

Are your kids happy?? You're giving yourself a really hard time.

I think you sound like me life wise actually, my house is a mess because I hate housework so only the bare minimum gets done. My toddlers are really really annoying, it's a good job they are cute.

I've learnt to let a lot of things go. And definitely believe that comparison is the thief of joy.

So true - pour yourself a big glass of wine OP, toast yourself that they are all doing ok, forget the housework - who gives a shit anyway?! No-one's coming round thanks to lockdown, and repeat the mantra 'this too shall pass'. You'll get the walks and home cooking and loads of playtime, all in good time xx

@Smallsteps88

It is a rude but fair question in these situations.

It would be a fair question if OP was posting as a mother of two and saying she wanted to have two more. But as it is, she is already a mother of 4 so it is an entirely pointless question because it does precisely nothing to help OP with her current situation. Does it? So no, it isn’t a fair question. It’s just a snide dig.

(Ohh. My first deletion in 12 years on MN but I regret nothing! )

I completely agree! Unless the person asking the question has invented time travel it adds nothing to the conversation. It's plain to see that it's a snide dig.

It's pointless too, as this is just a stage of life and the OP will come through it, it won't always feel like chaos but the lovely kids will always be there (🤞)

I got a grip.
thanks for the kick up the arse
I took the kids to the park at 11.30 ish and we only just got back.
one day down, the rest of my life to go.

we had sausages on a bbq for dinner too

I do have a dh but he's on 6 days a week and he helps out loads. he's more like the perfect mom who works full time

@jojomolo you got my back? what was deleted

That is brilliant 👏

Good for you OP!! And your DH sounds lovely. I second the PP who suggested eating as a family round the table more. We do this almost every night now (maybe once a month we'll eat separately from the kids) but once we started, I wish we'd done it earlier. The revelation to me was that it's less effort rather than more (you only have to cook once, so it frees up your evening) plus it tends to widen your kids' food repertoire (you cook what you want to eat - within reason - and the kids learn to fit in - rather than defaulting to fish fingers or pesto pasta because it's quick and you know they'll eat it).

I think part of it is choosing to have 4. It must be wonderful to have such a big family (I would love more, I have 2) but there are always going to be downsides to our choices.

I think being strict on putting your phone away and having everyone dressed by a certain time would help.

We go on lots of walks as a family, explore parks all over the place, eat at the table most nights and chat about our days, play some board games, have colouring/crafts out but I have to force myself! I batch cook a lot and might make roasted vegetables for one night to be reheated for the next, use slow cooker first thing before work. Your younger ones are at hard ages. As everyone has said give yourself small goals but hold yourself accountable to make you do them.

To add, I’ve got friends who sigh and say it’s alright for us as our children sit at a table. This always annoys me as they don’t see the hours that we’ve practised at home!

Hope you had a lovely day and more importantly that you feel a bit better @upsetandang. One day at a time. That’s the only way to do it. My username is my motto that I’m using to put my life back on track- in small steps!

Well done @upsetandang

Good work OP. Bet the kids have had a great day and BBQ sausages for dinner is a win. Your post this morning motivated me too - I’ve spent 2.5 hours in the garden, sweeping leaves etc. Feeling chuffed. Thank you for the push I needed!

Start small.
write down everything you've just said you want into bullet points and start trying them. Once there written down itl seem a lot easier to achieve.
you could start cooking from scratch a couple of days a week. just do easy meals, tuna pasta, homemade fish fingers, home made chips (very easy and quick to make especially the chips literally chop some potatoes up and shove in oven with some oil for 45 mins, turn half way through) you could try making something different once a week.
go for a nice walk, once your out you will feel great, just go for an hour, maybe stop at a park, depending on how old they are get a balance bike or a trike. (mine went everywhere from walking on a balance bike, they are great!)then come home, they can watch movies whilst you get things done what need to be done.
if the kids are young don't feel guilty about board games, try again when there older.
Also baking, do something really easy like buns, I've only started doing more baking now the kids are 7 and 5 as it just made so much mess.
most of all do not compare your self to other, we all do it, myself included but there's no point it just makes us feel shit, your doing the best you can.

I’m really glad you had a nice day OP. Well done! And thank you for starting this thread because it’s full of practical, supportive comments that are mumsnet at its best.

I have an idea for you.. can we help hold you accountable for a little bit? Would it help for you to state what you intend to do tomorrow (one small thing) and then report back on it? (No pressure if it’s not helpful.. just an idea!)

For example.. your thread this morning got me off my phone and into the garden sweeping up leaves. Tomorrow I’m going to tackle a pile of paper that’s gathering dust in the living room, I’ll let you know how I get on!

@Stircrazyschoolmum
that would be good
wanna do it together for a couple of days?

okay tomorrow i want to clean the house and sort through one draw of clothes for the donate pile. just one.

to be fair to myself we have been batch cooking for years now and it is very easy, but its also made me mega lazy because now we hardly ever have a roast. just frozen spam box or chilli

spam box? spag bol

3 lists: Me, House, Family.
3 topics on each list
Try to do 2 things off the lists each day until they are habits, then make 3 more lists with new topics. Repeat until you’re happier!

The most important things to remember are hardly anyone on Instagram or YouTube have the life you want. No one really wants to see kids running crazy, the house a mess, and the wife who can't cope. Social media doesn't portray life.

I used to feel like you OP. Hang in there, it gets easier once they are all school age. Toddlers are THE WORST.

I have so been where you are. My suggestion is to sit and dissect each bit of space in your surroundings. Disect them into tiny amounts. Pick one of them and just do that. Except I bet you enjoy it so much you do more than you realise. It could be something as simple as throw out 5 broken pens. That's it. You'll have started.

I’ll more than happily join you and I bet a few others will too. One drawer sounds good.. small steps.

The other thing I do is monitor my step count .. on a day where I feel low or frustrated I can guarantee I haven’t walked very far. Obv with 4 little ones your prob on your feet a lot, but it might be interesting for you to track (most phones will do it)

27IfNotNow12

formerbabe

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids.

Isn't THAT the truth!

oh god I think you hit the nail on the head! I have 8 kids- 4 real and 4 very very imaginary

8 kids! The thought brings me out in hives!

On top of my paper sorting I’m declaring fajitas for dinner tomorrow... a big winner in our house!! How about you upset? (Keep it simple remember!)

I’ve realised I’ve ignored my own advice from earlier around self care, so I’m adding one.. I’m going to remove the chipped/crusty/half out grown nail polish from my toes and replace it with something autumnal (totally not sure I have any nail polish but will check!)

So...

• sort paper pile in living room
• fix up toenails
• fajitas for tea

Can you add a small self care item upset?