Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Ironically given how lovely this thread is - get rid of MN (and make a massive effort to put your phone down generally). I did this and deleted my MN account and it was incredibly liberating. All those little twenty minutes here and there that I spent messing about on my phone, I started to spend actually doing useful or worthwhile things - playing with the kids, putting away the laundry, reading the paper. I started to get to the evening thinking 'I'm bored, what shall I do?', rather than trying to run around doing chores or hating myself for wasting my day. I did actually start playing the piano, started reading more, started watching good films with DH in the evenings. I've now gone back to MN (obviously!) as I enjoy it, but I'm already finding I'm using it too much again. I'm going to try to have a 'no casual browsing during the day' rule, but it's hard, and I might go cold turkey again. As your kids get older, it's also increasingly important to set them a good example on phone use, which I'm very aware I've often failed to do. But nobody's pretending that any of this stuff is easy, OP, and with four kids under 8 it's bloody hard.

@upsetandang- you are giving yourself such a hard time.

As others have said, 4 young children is really, really hard work (I have 4 too and even 2-3 is a big leap).

Your fantasy life is not going to happen at present, you need to accept that. I guarantee that your neighbour's circumstances are different and that her life isn't as perfect as you think.
You can't play family board games with a runaway toddler and baby.
Ditto the long walks.
Singing and piano won't last long with toddler/ baby plus older two.
Home cooked meals are jolly challenging if you have a runaway sort of toddler.

Apart from all the above, this year has been particularly challenging for most people. You must have had 4 small children at home and restricted for months.

Baby steps is the only way if you want to make some improvements. You can decide what your priorities are.

The other thing that hasn't been mentioned in the posts I've read (haven't read all) is your husband. What is his job/ hours/ does he do his share at home? He really needs to and that would help hugely in terms of leading a more enjoyable life for all of you.

@formerbabe

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids.

this should be printed and given to every woman before they give birth

If you take 15 mins for the older DC it'll make you feel better.
There was 5 of us DM was often frazzled the house was upside just to reassure you we didn't notice as DC we played together and enjoyed making more mess.
A kiss a hug a day quick praise with the 2 older DC they'll be grand.

Oh OP, you're me. Our lives sound so similar. Its the ages of the children - mine are 8, 7, 5, 3, 1. My older two are always asking to play board games but if I attempt to do this during the day with all of them it turns into a nightmare. The one year old grabs the board, the three year old hoards all the pink pieces, the five year old loses interest and hides under the table, the seven year old throws a strop because he's not winning and the eight year old gets bored of waiting for all the drama to stop and sidles off to read a book. I have faith it will get better though.

I could have written every single word of your opening post (I haven’t yet read any further)
I have no advice, just solidarity

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids Brilliant 👏 🤣

Op I have felt very like this in the past and what improved things for me was realising that I was being held hostage by perfectionism.

Wanting to make a perfect nutritious, delicious meal made it hard to make even a reasonable meal, for example, so I'd whack in a ready meal instead.

I realised in the end that I was bullying myself and had to change that internal monologue.

A few different things helped me along the way but the easiest and most helpful to me was watching the YouTube chanel 'Diane in Denmark' who explains the flylady system for housework etc but also talks a lot about self care, being gentle with yourself, dealing with procrastination, starting something using baby steps etc.

Maybe sounds like an odd suggestion but check out Jordan Peterson on YouTube, sounds like exactly what you need. You should do the big 5 personality test on www.understandmyself.com to find out what comes more easily to you and what you have to work more at, then do the Future Authoring exercise. You have to pay for these things but they're not that much in the long term and if you pay for something you might feel a bit more of a commitment to making it work! Don't be hard on yourself, no-one has the perfect life, but if you seriously want to live a different version why not give it a shot? Sounds like you have the will - just need a bit of direction.

Your goals are unrealistic. Being a good enough parent is fine, maybe better than fine.

I think it's normal to find it less enjoyable than you'd anticipated.

You have a tiny baby and you're keeping these little people alive. I hate to read of someone being so hard on themselves.

I think you need a rest and something like a system with charts. But in a mild way as you sound like you'd carry the type a thing too far.

Op I have 4 young children too 6,4,1,0
I have a partner but he works alot I make sure while my two eldest are at school I clean my house expect the bedrooms which are done on a weekend ,I make time for my self by making sure everybody is in bed by 8pm and by 8.15pm after I've picked up toys and set clothes out for the morning it's then my time ,we go on long walks and trips to the park but we also have lazy days where we eat frozen foods have pjs on and stay in, I also have a never ending wash pile! I'm epileptic so things don't always go to plan for the day as long as you try your best that's all that matters,make time for your self this is so important!!

I don't get why you want the life in the country cottage and long walk, and to wear make up at the same time.

Everything is doable except for living in the cottage in the country or walk with 100 dogs, if you wish. Maybe not now if children are small, but in few years time. Board games and piano, home cooked meal every night is not out of reach, imo.

Take 30 minutes out with a pen and paper. At the top of the page write ‘I am a goddess. This is how I live’.
Below that line write statements about your ideal life as if you are already living it. For example, I have a beautiful family who I love and cherish, that I spend time with. I am beautiful and make time to look my best. I have a wardrobe of sophisticated clothes that are my own style and look good on me. Whatever is relevant to what you want. Finish off with ‘my name is OP’.

These are your new mantras - read them every single morning, believe you are that person (you wrote it after all and your name is on the bottom). Then design your day to help achieve what you want.

I did it and I’m so much happier. I appreciate the life I have, have stopped obsessing with food and appearance because I believe I already am the person I want to be.

It's the 21st century equivalent of the Kellogs ads, bright sunny kitchen, clean, shiny children, checked cloth and gingham curtains, it was selling a fantasy as well as corn flakes, it wasn't 100% attainable.
In the 21st Century because people are so obsessed with social media and the type of person who is actually paid to 'influence' others they are made to feel inferior. Once you accept that it's all a con, an advert for their paid-for-by-others life style you'll feel much better.

I read where people decorate their baby's room, the 'nursery', to look good on these idiotic sites, poor neglected child, simply another tick in the lifestyle box.

My kids are 8 and 11, life is so much easier now, I have lots of time to bake and play games with them. During lockdown we did stuff like building obstacle courses and sun painting. I’d say wait until you don’t have a toddler in the house, at that stage you just need to get through the day with everyone in one piece. Mine are good now but nearing the age they don’t want to do stuff with me and prefer to do stuff with friends. Maybe aim for one nice thing a week while in toddler mode and build from there x

Get a cleaner
Get a Gp apointment
Get therapy

Put yourself first.

Try reading the organised mum method and the organised time technique. The organised time technique is probably more relevant to what you are asking for, but the compliment each other and work towards the same goal.

Also be kind to yourself....2020 has been a shit year, if you are keeping your head above water this year you're doing okay!!!

I have never felt at all normal, capable of doing anything, until the youngest was over 3. And that's with 3 kids not 4.

You. Are. Knackered. Just survive, goddammit! The reason you're scrolling not doing is that you are tired!

1. Slow cooker for meals. I think we are often encouraged to overcook. My childhood had a lot of slop in it – I think a lot of “idyllic” childhood had a lot of slop. It is cheap healthy and easy. One day a week – eat slow cooker lentil soup as your entire meal.
2. Insta your own life. Do one cute thing a week, and take the time to take a nice photograph for yourself to remember it. It might well be held in the execution – but looking back at your own photos and finding yourself envying your own life gives perspective.
3. Get out of the house as much as you can. I know this is hard in lockdown – but the more they are indoors, the more they are bumping into each other and trashing your house

At this stage that you were now, I would wake up at 5 am in the morning to have an hour to myself. Conversely, I was ferocious and unbending about everybody having a one hour nap/reading time after lunch. Because I was lying down with him, the baby wasn’t as hard as usual to settle. And we all got a rest. Otherwise the days are just too long.

@formerbabe

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids.

@pastandpresent

I don't get why you want the life in the country cottage and long walk, and to wear make up at the same time.

Everything is doable except for living in the cottage in the country or walk with 100 dogs, if you wish. Maybe not now if children are small, but in few years time. Board games and piano, home cooked meal every night is not out of reach, imo.

Eh. I live in a country cottage and go on long walks, with dogs, and I wear make up, not a lot but I still wear some! Us country folk don't all walk around looking like homely farmer's wives with ruddy cheeks and chin hairs sprouting everywhere .

I hear you OP. I want to sit down to a healthy delicious home cooked meal tonight but I'm watching the American pantomime US election outcome and posting shit on MN. Did I.mention that I also want to be slim while also sitting on the sofa eating crisps and chocolate

In my defence I did do a bit of cleaning this morning

Hi OP, this article resonated with me when I was in a similar stück
tinybuddha.com/blog/3-lies-to-eliminate-to-start-living-up-to-your-potential/
Stop beating yourself up and just do one small thing, get the ingredients for a cake in the cupboard, find a day next week to make it.
Toddlers are exhausting!