Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

I'm confused really... You don't need a book because you already know what you want. If you want a home cooked meal round the table... Make one..? The reasons you don't have them are non-reasons. So what if they knick your food etc? That's part of the fun of it, the interaction, the teaching manners..? Perhaps you want the pretty picture but not the reality.
I sympathise with the trying to play games with toddler being annoying but could you set aside time for games after toddler is in bed? We didn't play board games until youngest was older but a quick card game like Dobble while the youngest was occupied/taken to park. The other thing that works for us is to just get out together away from the screens... As we're all tempted!

Trying to live a Pinterest life is setting yourself up for failure. Try small steps - a short game with the kids rather than a whole evening. Allow yourself one takeaway per week? Don't be too hard on yourself..

see, even now I'm on mumsnet complaining about my choices rather than sorting it out myself like a real person.

Have you considered that you might have depression? Just a thought.
And yes pp is right, step away from insta, Pinterest and the like. It's not real.

How old are the kids? Toddlers are exhausting. You might just need them to get a bit older, you'll have more energy and they'll be more suited for the kind of life you want.

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life?
Just... get up. Literally get up and do something.

Why not give yourself three aims for this weekend? Eg put make up on, cook a meal, go for a family autumn walk to collect leaves. (Give yourself the weekend to achieve it and don’t beat yourself up about the rest.)

@Stellaroses
I don't know what I want- i want to be like the neighbour who has it all together but I'm just not her. I want a step by step schedule on how to sort myself out. I'm a lazy bitch and so ashamed.
literally can't believe my kids have me as a mother. their mother is so mean and boring.

maybe I could write a list of things to do each day and check them off as I go. any ideas what a perfect day would be like?

Can you move?
Herefordshire has lovely houses that are cheap.
Do you have a piano? You can pick one up cheaply, just make sure it's tuneable.
I have a cottage, long walks, piano and singing, home cooked meals etc. BUT we also have horrid Henry, YouTube, lol dolls etc.
I also found massively decluttering with Marie Kondo really helped with my surroundings. We're very minimal now which I love (poor kids).
Buy yourself some decent outdoor clothes (not necessarily expensive just warm and waterproof) so you can get out and about happily.
With the meals, try micromastery, choose one thing to perfect - mine was sourdough pizza (cliche I know). That will build your confidence. Rough meal planning too but I'm guessing you know that.
Life with small children is really tough though and rarely ideal. It will get easier though. And important to remember that even people with the life you describe feel sad, worried unhappy just as regularly as everyone else x

How old are your dc?

I used to feel like that and everything I tried to create that nice walks or games thing it would all end in tears 😭 mainly from me I might add
Now my dc are getting older and less needy in a practical way we get to enjoy the nice walks as long as we stop for a brownie and coffee somewhere en route.

We don't have a kitchen table as not enough room but we have lap trays and we love watching programs together at tea time and chatting. Can still be done without a table

It does get easier op.
Hang on In there

No life is perfect. We all look at others and see only a snapshot of their lives.

That aside if you want to make changes start with one thing and take it from there. You can't do it all at once.

You're ahead of yourself. All that nice stuff comes when you're a grandma, and harassed parents do all the work while you take the fun bits. I'm having a whale of a time with my granddaughter.

Now, advice. Do I have any? Dare I give any, my own home's a shit-tip but improving? What time do you have to yourself? You need put in in order to give out. Cherish yourself a bit.

Then, remember that a whole load of the stuff we do actually doesn't matter. What can you afford to overlook, put on the back burner?

My grandma used to call out 'Clear the decks!' and all worksurfaces had to be emptied immediately, things put in cupboards, washing up done, that sort of thing. Makes you feel good. Like Fly-Lady's 'First, shine your sink.'

Please come back when you're a glamorous siren with an immaculate house, who bakes with her children all day. Might be about three months. You can do it.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. You do not need to have it all together, and chances are the neighbour doesn't have it all together.
Yes, make a list, give yourself a few small targets for the weekend - make 1 homecooked meal (could be something quick), play 1 game, go for a walk. Focus on those and congratulate yourself if one of them is successful! Family life is full of disappointments, failed outings, rainy days and burnt cooking - start laughing at the "failures" and see them as part of the tapestry of family memories.

Oh and read as much as you can, for your own pleasure and enlightenment. I went on a massive reading binge a few years ago and read everything from EM Forster to Germaine Greer, I came away feeling brilliant. Acquiring new knowledge and perspectives just for myself while I had young children felt so completely selfish - it was great

In my experience the older the kids get the easier doing stuff becomes. Like board games, baking, long walks, home cooked meals, even just doing the housework. I have four children between 2 and 10 and feel like I've constantly had a toddler around for years. Toddlers and babies are bloody hard work. The older my youngest gets the easier things are becoming, and i have more time to do stuff without a crying child hanging off my leg.

OP I think I know what you mean. You're stuck in a rut, but it's great that you know what you want; that's a really good start. You have to start really small changes. Like, reeeally small. Or you'll drop them. I really recommend the book 'atomic habits' for this. Don't be hard on yourself. It's bloody hard to get your shit together with a toddler, cos they're exhausting. Get the kids involved in the food side of things. Let the toddler chop a banana with a plastic knife or roll out play dough or summat while you make tea. That's how I did it anyway. We were a frozen pizza family when mine were tiny, but little by little I started cooking simple things and letting the kids 'help' in the kitchen, and we got there, we really did. Little by little. A really fab recipe the kids used to use was weighing an egg in one side of the scales then balancing the egg against Sr flour, butter and sugar to make a little batch of their own cakes. 'learning resources' make brilliant kids balance scales for this, and my kids used this recipe for years to keep them busy. I think it's great that you want to make changes. You'll do it, I'm sure. Look after yourself.

You cant change everything at once, it's too hard so you quit.

Write your list of wants down, in order of easiest to hardest. Writing it down is really important, something to do with brain chemistry.

Then commit to do the easiest thing on the list for 2 weeks. See how you feel. Do it for another 2 weeks and may be add the second thing on your list with a commitment to do it for 2 weeks.

Keep going. Cross things off the list when they've become normal.

Change is hard so focus on the easiest next step and do that.

The secret slob on YouTube.
It sounds awful OP.
You need to do self care for self love. It can't be good for the DC living in a shithole.
Start a chart for meals and family time the whole family can get involved.
Is there anyone who can help you get started at home do one room at a time.
Btw I'm not the parent I thought I'd be my DD is a hermit and won't stay home alone she has SEN I'm fairly trapped.

Kindly, because I’ve been there, this thread and the request for a YouTube video or book is just procrastination.

You don’t get the life you want by watching a video, you get it by starting to live it.

Haven’t shaved for a year? That doesn’t take a video to sort, it takes a razor and ten minutes in the shower.

Haven’t worn make up in 3 years? Next time youre in Asda pick up some nice products and set them in the place where you get dressed in the morning. Then use them. Take and extra 10 minutes to apply them.

Long walks? Just go. Stick a coat and trainers on and go.

Family games night? Have you got the board games? Then nothing stopping you. Sit down, have one game, be patient, teach the toddler the rules. Have fun.

Meals at the table? You have a table? You have food? So put them together. Have patience, take your time, teach everyone table manners and in a month, observes your progress. Table manners aren’t something children are born with. That’s something parents have to consciously teach. That’s your job.

The reality of family life is rarely the same as what we have in our heads. It's hard going and children are hard work. Sometimes we do what is easier than what would make life more difficult. I would hate the rural life personally as you need to run a decent car and drive everywhere but it's ideal for others who prefer a slower pace of life.
Playing with children is hard as they naturally want their own way all the time especially board games! It's easier when they are a bit older to understand the rules.
I think that too many people don't realize how hard family life can be. It's relentless at times. You could try cooking with the kids maybe?
I think most people just get through it as best they can. You just never get the truth from most people!

I don't even have any make up anymore @SockDrawer
I think I like three aims for the weekend. thats 2 days to do 3 things. I could do that

right I'm off to battle the kids into clothes at nearly 11am good lord

I have 4- ages 7,5,2 and 0

I did used to do it all, the sensory bins and special activities but after the 2yo came along I was stretched thin and for some reason we had another (always wanted a big family) and I am not stretched even thinner. We ised to go on days out, countryside walks, bikerides (with kids on our bikes) but I just lost it.

This toddler is 10 times more destructive than the other 2, I am spending all day on mumsnet or googling 'how to be better at cleaning, cooking, being patient' but not actually doing it (apart from cleaning which is never ever ever ending.)

I don't even watch TV anymore, or watch films or read books or write in my diary (I used to write fairly detailed for the kids when they grow up) or scrap book. I do nothing now. I just scroll through endless self help pages on Google and.
its pointless. I feel so off.

It is a good post but I think it is more an issue about having very small children. I remember when we had a 3 year old, 1 year old and new baby and we were both working full time. Just getting to the end of each day was a challenge. Then suddenly before you know it the youngest is 5 and life is a walk in the park quite literally. When they were very very small it was so frustrating to go on walks as you could hardly move as they move so slowly or I would be pushing an empty double buggy (later when we had twins) and trying to control 2 twins out of the buggy not prepared to go on it or carrying them.

As for where to live if you move teenagers to the country they will have one bad school miles away, you will be driving them everywhere and their only hobby will be shooting drugs with the locals at the local bus stop, if you are lucky enough to have a bus stop. The rural idyll may best kept for once your children leave home.

The solution for me when they were little was going to back to work very very soon and full time as then you get a break, get paid and someone else does the boring day in day out toddler care!

You don't change your whole life all at once, is the thing. You change things slowly, one at a time, building up new habits until one day you look around and realise things are really different.

I found recipe boxes really helpful for home cooked dinners. If you start getting three dinners a week from one (Gousto I think is quite good for family/kid friendly meals) then that's a change that you can make once and the subscription will just maintain the habit for you. You can always increase to five later (give it a few months to bed in.)

Habits and routines are really everything - if you have something already in place, it's easier to add one more bit on. Can you go to the park after school - you're already doing the school run so just add on 10 minutes in the park. The trick is to do it every time, so you remove the "willpower" cost of deciding to DO it. You stop deciding to do it, and just do it, like brushing your teeth.

www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2018/02/13/the-science-behind-adopting-new-habits-and-making-them-stick/

People always comment that I "have it all together" because nice house, always wear makeup and dress smartly, and I do lots of wholesome things like craft, baking and gardening... But I always correct them - the reality is I suffer from anxiety and depression and those things are my therapy keeping me sane and stable. I obviously don't put on insta the mental sleepwalking/ times when I'm rocking and sobbing about some minor worry.

any ideas what a perfect day would be like?

There isn’t one. It doesn’t exist. You need to lose the idea of perfection altogether or you’ll be miserable all your life. There is no perfect. There are good days and there are bad days. You’re aiming for the good days to happen more than the bad days and that’s all you can really hope for.

Start small - aim for 10 minutes (tv off) playing/chatting with the kids.

Can you cook? If you can, batch cook dinner.

Baking with the kids make a mess but they love it and it passes quite a bit of time. And teaches them about cleaning up!

I hate cleaning my bathrooms. It's the worst job and I used to put it off. Now I set a 10 minute timer on my phone and just do it. When I look at it as just 10 minutes out of the day, it doesn't seem that bad.

You won't change your life in a day but little changes will add up.