Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Take your own post as a guide, work towards that. Obviously don't start with the 700 dogs, but your could introduce more calming retro TV shows for the dc's - Bagpuss/Mr Benn/shows from your own childhood that will make you smile, plan a simple homecooked meal, etc.

I understand the feeling that things will never change, but they will.

BTW OP

The way you talk to and about yourself will determine what you achieve. Negative self talk is your worst enemy. Honestly, just stop. It doesn’t help you Go for a walk or eat dinner at the table. It’s just a big stick you’re beating yourself with and that’s why you’re in a metaphorical heap on the floor. You’ve been giving yourself a constant kicking. No-one is bouncing with energy and enthusiasm for life after that. So take control. You and 100% responsible for how you talk to yourself. Change it. Instead of “I’m a lazy bitch” you say “I’m exhausted, I’m chasing my tail on a daily basis and I need to change something” then you have something to go forward with- what do you need to change? Do you need to ask your husband to do more in the mornings and evenings? Do you need to hire someone to come in to clean or cook or look after the small DC? Do you need to get to bed earlier every night? Do you need all 3 of those things? Whatever it is start from there and see what you, (as in you and DH) can do to make things better for your family. But beating yourself with a buying stick on a daily basis is definitely not going to make you less tired.

@FippertyGibbett

I bought a piano to inspire my children to be musical - it was a dream like yours, we would be the Von Trapp family. I had to pay a man to deliver it. It smelt fusty and stunk the downstairs. I had to pay a man to tune it. I can’t play piano, neither could I teach myself despite trying. The children weren’t in the slightest bit interested. I had to pay a man to remove it.

Don’t buy a piano.

I did exactly the same. It’s sitting in my unused dining room and only gets attention when it’s so dusty I need to wipe it.

Oh god we have a piano people bash away at it, it is horrendously noisy and not the harmonious family entertainment you imagine!

I managed to do some of the things you describe by actually moving to the country. You have to make a fire or you get very cold, very quickly. Everyone has to collect sticks as we need them for the fire, so a walk is not optional.

I play quick games, because I don't enjoy board games personally. I have bought ones that are over in 10 minutes. So two games and we are done!

Buy stuff you enjoy, so if you enjoy modelling, painting, crafting - if you invest in things that create some excitement for you, and enthusiasm then it is easier. Yes they will get bored after 10 minutes but build that into your expectations.

Order make up right now, and commit five minutes of your day putting it on if you want.
Get the razor, and kids and this can be the activity, very carefully they can do a strip of fur each - job done, and activity ticked.

I hate cooking. So do stir frys all of the time! I make a mean salad and have a George Forman grill, home cooking is not always hours slaving over a very complicated, utimately inedible dinner!!

Cut yourself some slack. You have FOUR kids, that is enough to keep them alive, fed and clean I should think. Put the onus on them to think of ideas too. It is not your responsibility only to make things fun, but dh and dc too. [fllowers]

Start with yourself - shave and put on makeup if that makes you feel better. Every morning, built it into a routine. You are important! Secondly if you still have a toddler be kinder to yourself- as kids get older all of baking, music making etc becomes easier!

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

In other words, do a little bit each day. If I've spent all day Friday cleaning my (large 4 bedroom 3 bathroom home) I have no qualms about being lazy on Saturday, or Monday or whenever. Point is, it’s not easy to have everything together and you do deserve a reward. So this is my way.

I’m about to start cleaning. I look at my watch, it’s 9.10 I say to myself. “I’m going to clean the en suite until 9.45. (So allowing myself 40 minutes)I begin cleaning. I get carried away and when it gets to 9.45 I’m almost done so I finish. It’s 9.53 but my en-suite is sparking, even the skirting board is clean. I have a break and promise I’ll vacuum the stairs and landing, starting at 10.00 for 30 minutes. Then I ‘reward’ myself with another break. If I’m finished before my 30 minutes, I simply start another job, so I’ve vacuumed the landing and stairs in less than fifteen minutes, I will get out a broom and sweep my hall, boot room, guest loo etc. Until I’ve worked my 30 minutes.

Set yourself a ‘work day’ of 30 minutes on, thirty minutes off. I’m quite poorly with an ongoing, life changing disease so I can’t just crack on for hours and do everything in two or three days like I used to. I have to pace myself. I found this way to work best for me.

Only you can motivate you, but I absolutely promise you, you will feel great once you’re in control. If you don’t, I’ll come and do your housework myself. Remember, one bite at a time. You can do this, but only you can motivate yourself.

Sorry, some of my timings were off on that, not my maths, just my fat fingers hitting the wrong digits. But 30 mins on 30 mins off, it works.

Go easy on yourself. Get your partner/ dc father to stay home with the babies and take the older 2 for a walk in the park or the woods.

In fairness it sounds like you are totally in the thick of having four very young children, the two youngest still in a hugely demanding stage. It's why I stopped at two children despite listening to the broodiness and thinking I wanted at least one more.

Focus on achieving the family meals (will nourish you all) walks (will make you feel energised) and a fun game with the older two when the other two are in bed.

Then build up frlm there. I'd suggest the next thing would be make up/skincare. It will give you an almighty boost!

The piano, singing, cottage etc will come eventually if you keep it as a goal. Don't get impatient about "achieving it" yet.....your still in the stage of getting everyone through the day. Once youngest is at school you should be well on your way to the dream.

@IndecentFeminist but that's exactly why I would never have 4 children, I don't know why anyone would think life would be easy and fun with 4? That's the choice the OP has made, she now needs to focus on the long term benefits to the way she wants to raise her children , grit her teeth and make the effort to do at least some of the things she mentions, she will feel better for being more engaged with her family. She's clearly not happy with the status quo

Also, nothing wrong with tv as entertainment, but be willing to try listening to a podcast or just music. Have one night as ‘games night’ but don’t expect a toddler to play fair. So maybe save the more complex games for after toddlers bedtime. Sorry to fill your thread. I totally understand your dream, and you can do it. But it won’t just happen, you need to work for it.

Something that worked really well for us was 'quiet time' for an hour while I had my lunch. It started off as nap time, although my eldest never wanted to nap at the same time as my youngest (!), and so I let her take the iPad upstairs and watch CBeebies on it. Or she coloured / looked at books. I didn't mind what it was, as long as she didn't need me.

I swear quiet time saved my sanity. I could recharge and have some food and get ready for the afternoon.

Four young kids is a huge amount of work and I imagine you need to have a military style routine to feel in control.

Do you ever write a timetabled plan for your day?

With the eating together at a table I think you can crack this. You all eat so it's only the together at the table but that is missing. Sure the kids might try to steal your food at first but you will teach them how to behave which will take a little while but then it will be done and you can enjoy eating together for ever after.

@formerbabe

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids.

Isn't THAT the truth! 😂

You’re children are really young - you’re being unrealistic about this perfect life. Don’t look at social media as it’s easier to just take shots to show a perfect life than actually live one.

You must be exhausted and not meet friends and family doesn’t help with motivation either. Give yourself a break and just pick something simple each day to uplift you.

I think the issue is that you have 4 children under 7 anyone would be knackered and fed up dealing with that day in, day out. Hopefully it will get easier when they are all at school.

Slow, small steps.

OP you have had some sensible advice on here which I won’t add to but one thing: the last thing you want to to with kids your age and with the struggles you are experiencing is move to the countryside.

The countryside is a nightmare for teenagers and their chances of becoming bored, unfulfilled and ultimately ending up falling in with wasters is higher there.

Don’t do that if you want to improve their motivation!

Fantastic thread.

OP, many of us are treading water, it just depends how fast and for how long. Try not to compare what you're doing with where you think you should be in life. It's never that simple.

There's some terrific advice on this thread and I'm going back through now to properly note the nuggets.

Wow 4 x children under 10 - that's a tough gig!
I'm not gonna lie - There will be some days when 4 children dressed in clean clothes that fit them will be a challenge - the thing is nobody has to dressed perfectly to get out for a walk in the fresh air - believe me you'll feel better for it and you'll be much less likely to be shouting in public 😉