Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Take away the things that distract you. Then wait. You'll find yourself doing something useful instead. First things first, switch off the TV (or go somewhere else, if others are watching it), and log out of MN.

100% this.

The scrolling is a pointless time sucking crutch. Take it away. Put the phone up in your room and then just sit downstairs. You’ll find yourself doing useful things in no time. And you’ll feel so good.

Also, you're not just you, you're we. Involve your DH in making the life you both want happen - or more realistically, making the one you have work a little bit better.

Herefordshire has lovely houses that are cheap. Do you have a piano? You can pick one up cheaply, just make sure it's tuneable

😂😂😂😂😂😂

And meanwhile, in the real world.........

I think you really need to give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. You have 4 DCs, including a toddler and a baby. This is a really, really tough stage. Frankly, if they are fed and reasonably clean and not totally feral, at this point, you're doing great. Things will get a lot easier as the DC get older. Can you buy in any help for particularly difficult times of the day?

Also, I really wouldn't bother with board games with a toddler. They can't share or take turns yet. It will inevitably go wrong.

I think you have to own your choices a bit more, OP.

You chose to have four children, that's a great choice for you and will probably pay off in a decade or two but you did know how demanding babies and toddlers were after the first two, and then had two more.

So, perhaps you need to lower your expectations of this fantasy life because you have four small children! If you wanted a really tidy house, lots of piano lessons, self-improving activities and so on, you could have had one child, I have lots of friends who made that choice as they liked their lifestyle with one and didn't actually want the more chaotic life that goes along with more (at least temporarily).

This is survival mode for a couple of years I think til most of them are in childcare, the toddler does sound toddlerish and that means even getting them ready for a walk and having a walk without a tantrum or them lying on the ground is hard work. I would divide and conquer in this situation- do you have a husband/partner who can take the older two out?

I would aim things like: some of the children to have a lovely fresh air walk this weekend (not all, if you and baby and toddler stay home, so be it), shaving by having a long hot bath with baby in room if necessary and someone else can help, and meal plan for next week if you like that type of approach.

You have created this situation, and most people would find it hard work and not live a tidy, child developmentally fabulous, looking great type of life in this situation- it will change but stop beating yourself up for not being some perfect person.

Can I just ask (and I apologise if already answered) where’s your partner in all of this?

Agree with previous posters saying: aim to change something small and get up and do. And keep doing.

Also, I would add: you’ll trip up from time to time and fail with the changing thing. Remember to just pick yourself up and keep going rather than beating yourself up or giving up.

Very very small steps to start off. So for eg, I wanted to get healthier and fitter. I procrastinated because I was injured and so couldn't do my usual exercise. So my first decision was to make sure I drank a large glass of water every morning instead of just coffee. Yes, that small a move! Then I added in taking a vitamin with breakfast. Then I started running round the block every other day. Literally 5 minutes.
I won't bore you with the rundown of my dull life (and I was a bit blindsided by lockdown so I'm still not as fit and healthy as I want to be 11 months on!) but just to show you how small you can start. It really can work. Other thing is to plan to achieve 2 things that you want to within a week: 1 that would genuinely give you pleasure if you could be arsed (so for me at the time for eg going for a massage) and 1 that you feel you ought to do but don't really want to (eg for me something I'd been procrastinating about at work). So one horrible thing and one nice thing. Don't try and get all the 'I ought to do this' stuff done at once.
Good luck

with kids of that age it's all about grin and bear it until they are old enough then it gets fun again!

It sounds like you’re getting obsessed with the idea of perfection, and that is getting in the way of “good”. Step 1 is always to reduce the anxiety around the issue. Also you need to watch Queer Eye—it is THE inspo programme for a life change!!! Do you have a laptop to play it on while you work away, if not I would do it on a phone or laptop and bring it around the house with you—so you get inspiration while you do it!

I’d start with a mini spring clean to get the place looking good. When the house is looking lovely, treat yourself to a few house bits you need in an online order. Pick a nice home fragrance. I’d yiu live in the countryside, pick yourself big bunches of flowers for all the rooms. Throw open all the windows to get a nice fresh smell.

Find ways recipes on BBC good food—pick stuff that is hearty and fundamentally hard to get wrong. Or things that need making and then putting in the oven. Then do some baking with the kids later for fun.

Get yourself a primping afternoon to yourself ASAP, after an online order. Get: face mask sheets (e.g. garnier moisturebomb) a nice moisturiser, a nice cleanser, a nice scented body wash, some new razors, a hair mask (to leave in for 20 mins and wash out). Then for after you need makeup: primer (don’t skip, this makes your skin look amazing!), foundation, blush and highlighter, some light but goldish eyeshadow, lots of mascara. If you have plenty of money to spend, go Charlotte tilbury. Medium budget: no7 is a good shout. Smaller budget: whatever they carry at nearest boots.

Also get yourself some new underwear and socks! I don’t know why, but nice new undies always makes me feel better as a person.

Then have a family games evening—don’t push it for hours, just do a bit and relax. No need to be perfect, just let go and enjoy.

You have 4children under 7 just be happy you are managing to keep them alive, not naked and fed!

Saying that this (below) is a bit you can get back and because you can it will make you feel good and be a bridge to the rest once the youngest is old enough to allow you time to do more. Fuck the help pages just focus on the diary and book and the things that feed you for the couple of months.

i don't even watch TV anymore, or watch films or read books or write in my diary (I used to write fairly detailed for the kids when they grow up) or scrap book. I do nothing now. I just scroll through endless self help pages on Google and its pointless I feel so off

My mother had 4 but she cleverly had the youngest two with a gap so the eldest was around to help!

You are aiming too high and being too hard on yourself. What you are trying to do is like going on a crash diet where you substitute all the chocolate for spinach and then wonder why it fails.

Aim for one thing.. just one today. Go for a walk perhaps, it’s really sunny. Then CONGRATULATE yourself rather than hitting yourself with a stick for what you didn’t do.

Plan ahead, you can’t home cook meals with no ingredients. Batch bake easy things.. spag / fish pie/casserole. With 4 kids you need easy options and it’s still home cooked.

Take it a day at a time, one aim at a time. Build in self care.
If you like to read, try The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Also have a look at the action for happiness website which has lots of resources. Perhaps start a gratitude journal that focuses you on what you DO have. Comparison is the thief of joy.

@Newuser123123

Can you move? Herefordshire has lovely houses that are cheap. Do you have a piano? You can pick one up cheaply, just make sure it's tuneable. I have a cottage, long walks, piano and singing, home cooked meals etc. BUT we also have horrid Henry, YouTube, lol dolls etc. I also found massively decluttering with Marie Kondo really helped with my surroundings. We're very minimal now which I love (poor kids). Buy yourself some decent outdoor clothes (not necessarily expensive just warm and waterproof) so you can get out and about happily. With the meals, try micromastery, choose one thing to perfect - mine was sourdough pizza (cliche I know). That will build your confidence. Rough meal planning too but I'm guessing you know that. Life with small children is really tough though and rarely ideal. It will get easier though. And important to remember that even people with the life you describe feel sad, worried unhappy just as regularly as everyone else x

Not the OP but bloody hell, I just looked at properties in Herefordshire, they are EXACTLY what I've been looking for a price I can afford! Thank you x

Don't try to change everything at once. Take small steps, try doing 3 new things a week until they become routine and then add in new things. Like this week your 3 things might be a little bit of make up every day, a home cooked meal and sitting at the table. Master that and move on. Please try to take time for yourself too. Once you feel better about yourself things will gradually fall into place

I think you’re at a really hard stage with the kids
Given you’re not loving it hopefully you’re not planning to have a fifth in which case it won’t ever be this hard again!
Give yourself a break

Before you said about having such young kids I was going to say - it’s not the answer for everyone but for me I felt similar to you as a sahm. I just wasn’t very good at it.
Going to work part time meant I kept my appearance up more, and earnt a bit of money to pay a cleaner.
Kids were fed at childminders a couple of nights a week and the house didn’t get quite as bad as we weren’t there all the time.

I also think that if you can make having a meal round the table a non negotiable part of your family routine that might help

By the way we have the house in the countryside and gorgeous country walks on f be doorstep but I’m so sick of the battles with 3 kids that don’t like going for a walk 😞

Just read the post with the ages of your kids.
Before kids I thought I'd be a fun-loving mum. Plays games with my kids all the time and go on long walks constantly.
Then the reality of kids.
Kids are hard work.
I'm not sure why you think a 2 year old is going to play a board game.
If I try to play a board game with the 6 year old. The 3 years messes it up and then the crying starts.
You've got two older kids.
They should be able to play a board game together.
I thought we would politely sit around a table and have food with interesting conversation. Yeah it doesnt happen.
I'm hoping it will improve as the kids get older. I think you're expecting too much from yourself.
I think by your standards I'd be failing. But we have plenty of fun. And hopefully when the kids are a bit older lots of board game fun and a dinner where I can actually sit and eat without being interrupted by one of the kids every 5 minutes

Just picking up on your "singing and piano for entertainment", if you are missing music just sing any time, silly songs while getting kids dressed, might make you feel better? I had the Playsongs book when mine were tiny and we all still have fond memories of some of the songs now they are teens. Things don't have to be "perfect" and can't be when your kids are still so small. You are doing OK. Expend your energy on the things that will genuinely make you feel good, rather than the things you feel guilty about or think other people have sorted. As others have said, little things add up if you do them regularly.

Following for the advice (and offering solidarity to the OP) as I can relate to this.

Read the organised mum method
and the organised time technique

You need to prioritise and decide what is important. And go one step at a time.

Nothing wrong with tv, there's a reason it was invented and is so popular. But you could use it to keep your little ones out of the way and do something else in the same room for example.

My own priorities with young kids:
was getting on with chores first thing in the morning (whilst they played in front of the tv mainly
then GET OUT. Even in the lockdown hopefully you can still spend 1 hour or so in a park with a Frisbee, a ball, anything to make them run around. Take a cup of tea or coffee in a flask for you if you can.

Home, lunch, naps

Get out again in the afternoon if possible
Come home, bath, diner.

Kids eat first when they are little. You can't help and teach them table manners whilst trying to eat too. It doesn't work for me.

If you have a partner or family member who can take over, go for a run or something when they can have the kids for a couple of hours. Even more luxurious if they can have them for a couple of hours in the afternoon, have some time too.

I feel your pain. I've been feeling similar.
Im also partial to wasting precious time mindlessly scrolling through social media.

I would recommend the organized time technique book by the organized mum. She breaks things down and tries to teach you to prioritize and also carve out some time for you. I'm just trying to implement that.

When in a complete rut set a timer for 10mins and just crack on in whatever room needs some work. Usually when you stick at it for 10mins you end up adding time on or doing it for longer it's just important to get started.

If you're anything like me you will find you have a much clearer mind when the house isn't a complete tip.

I never wanted an 'insta' life, but I knew what my parenting choices were and that they wouldn't always be the easiest ones, I'm also stubborn so don't like to back down on my choices. We have very little TV time, DH and I are not huge watchers so that makes it easier, I home cook all of DSs food and most of ours, sometimes I'm tired but that's important to me, I made banana oat baked porridge square things this morning while he finished his breakfast, took five minutes then into the oven. We've been for a walk to the beach this morning, and DH is putting him down for a nap now. I will have a nice cup of coffee and read my book for a bit, then go and hang some washing out because I'm making the most of the sunshine and not having to have laundry hanging around the house constantly. I never wanted DS to have a dummy and there were definitely some times when he was little it would've been easier/quieter if he did, but I opted for short term pain for long term gain, I don't take stylised pictures for social media, or give a crap what people think about my choices (I've been told I'm mean for not getting him a tablet -he's 2) . I raise my child the way I want to raise my child and when I'm tired and can't be bothered, I think about the longer term consequences of the choices I've made and I believe in what I'm doing so it gives me the motivation to carry on.
I also work full time over 4 days and actually whilst sometimes I feel run tagged, I think it's a good thing. It keeps my brain active, gives me an identity away from my family and I don't get bogged down in the day to day drudgery, no time for that. I did have to fight the monotony on mat leave. I also have a husband who isn't a cocklodger which is a bonus.
Ultimately you make the voices in your life and you decide what's important to you, you can't make one choice consistently then complain because you didn't do anything with your time. You either dick with what you do and accept it, or you make different choices, do more and accept it isn't the easiest road, it's the same with anything in life. You work for what you want it won't fall in your lap while you sit and watch TV. To me a lot of this about instant gratification Vs delayed gratification, I always find delayed gratification more rewarding so I'm happy to put dinner time and effort into things.

Our kids were 9 and 6 before we could have a remotely entertaining board game sesh

AND

you don’t need shave anything

AND

Getting the kids out for a long muddy walk was basically our top child management technique.

I let my kids do 1 he screen time in the morning, a bit controversial I know it an hour pottering About the kitchen or having a leisurely shower is a great start to the day.

And they can’t whinge about screen time because they know they’ve had it already😂

To add, I have never been a mum who played with her (4) kids. I am not guilty one little bit. I hate crafts and board games and never felt the need to join.

It gave me free head space to get on with chores and boring stuff at home, and they are used to entertain themselves, and be out most of the day and relax (as much as you can relax with young kids outside...)

If you put music and dance around, they do tend to join though

One thing to accept might be that toddlers are hard. We have 3 kids, 10, 8 and 3.

We have recently started having board games and/or a film on a Friday and Saturday night with the big kids when the littlest is going to bed. We get 'quality time' (vom) with them and youngest doesn't mess it up 😂

We have a small house in the countryside, in the middle of a big extension. So at the moment we are in chaos, and can't use the garden...so a double whammy really. We are allowing more device time than normal because of that, whereas in the summer/normal times we would be outdoors all day.

We do always eat together at the table, and yes the toddler is a pain in the arse. But we still do it, grit our teeth sometimes but it demonstrates to him that this is what we do, and keeps standards up for the older kids.

It's hard and you have a baby as well, so go.easy on yourself. I know I am guilty of procrastinating via 'researching' on the internet, and that's ok.