Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

Yes I’m sure that’s what OP wants to read right now.

Hi OP. [For perspective Mum of 5 adult DD's here.]
What I learnt over the years is that motherhood is like an exclusive club that you long to be in but once you're in it you can't get out of it and it can be overwhelming and quite lonely especially when the children are small. However, you need to be kind to yourself and understand that you are actually the most important person in the world to your babies. Do something lovely just for YOU every day.
You need to make a plan - so, yes, write that list you suggested above!
These are a few tips that helped me as I was raising my family.
Put yourself in charge. Tell the children what your expectations are from now on and get them on board. Even toddlers can help with tidying up toys, feeding the washing machine etc. They need to know that from now on they will be eating at the table, going to bed at x time etc.
Try to prepare each evening for the following day. Meal plan/ clothes laid out etc.
Write a list every day for the following day and always have a "priority of the day" on that list. It might be something small like making an important phone call or something bigger like cleaning out the fridge. Try to work your way through the list but make sure that if nothing else the priority job is done. Anything not completed goes back on the list for tomorrow. There is joy in crossing things of the list as it gives you back control of your life.
In making your changes, make a home cooked meal your first priority as from your OP this seems to be what bothers you most. Do your preparation for this earlier in the day to make the actual execution of it at teatime easier on yourself. Insist that everyone sits at the table for this meal. This is your opportunity to talk to your children and teach them basic table manners. Once you've got this going on regularly work on the next thing that you'd like to put in place.
Tackle the house one room at a time starting with the kitchen. Clear it out, clean it , remove any items that don't belong there, wash the floor etc. Now you should have a good clean and tidy space to work in. Now practice keeping it clean and tidy before you move on to the next room and so on. Eventually you'll be on top of it. Declutter as much as you can - less stuff means less tidying, sell/recycle/donate things you don't need and use any money from that to sort out storage for the stuff you keep.
Try to get out with the little ones every day if you can for some fresh air and exercise.
Call a bad day a "naughty day". We sometimes did this - chocolate cake for breakfast, day in pyjamas sitting in our bed with piles of story books - rain battering on the windows. This is what I did and now the DD's often refer fondly to our "naughty days" and still have no idea they were because I was having a bad day/ TOTM/feeling lazy
You're not a machine OP - the saying in this house has always been "if Mumma ain't happy ain't nobody happy". Hugs for you OP.

You just need to focus on one thing at a time. Choose one thing you want to change and make the change a daily thing, so that it becomes a habit. When you’ve mastered one, you can move on to the next. I think, however, you need to give yourself a break; be kind to yourself. With four small DC, it’s hardly surprising you don’t have much energy to change your life at the moment. If you want to shave, order a razor and make that a weekly ritual (wouldn’t think you’d need to do that on a daily basis, but whatever you feel!) You could also think about family film time once a week, but most things like this will only work when the DC are older. Good luck! 💐

Give yourself a break!
You do sound like you might be depressed. See if you can get into your GP about it.

The ages of your DC means chaos for the next few years. Then it'll be better. Maybe DH can get the snip?

It also seems like you need a proper day off. When DH has the day off, go out for the day. Do you have family nearby? A bestie to do something with?
A day off would do wonders to clear your head.

The only route to a happier life is your own self motivation.

If you want it, make it happen. Start with baby steps.

Take the kids on a walk this week, make it fun - ask them to select some pretty autumn leaves and bits they could use for cutting and sticking to make a nice picture. Order some frame and put the pictures up in their rooms. It’s rewarding for everyone.

Order a puzzle that you can all do, depending on age of your kids obviously. But maybe a 250 piece puzzle? Do it together in the evening with just the radio on.

Turn off the tv. Read a book together, or research some riddles to get their minds thinking, it’s also a fun ‘guessing game’

Eat to the god damn table as a family. I despair people who don’t. Turn off your devices and sit to the table, talk about your day, ask questions and answer them. Teach your children to sit nicely so they don’t knock you, explain to them about eating everything on their plate or at least trying a portion of it. “No, that’s mummy’s chicken. If you eat 3 more vegetables you can have some of the left over chicken” or “mummy’s eating her dinner and I’d like you to eat yours. If you don’t want it now I’ll save it for when you do want it”

You’re the parent, make the rules.

Tidy the house, gets the kids to help de-clutter if there’s clutter.

You’ll feel so much better for it. It’s just finding the motivation to get started.

I’ve been in that lazy place.. although I was a teen. But now I’m 24 and I have a 10 month old - I never eat in the lounge, only ever to the table. She sits and has dinner with us because we want to build that family routine. In the evening we play with her, we sit and help her walk, then we bath her together and read a book before bed.

Granted, we need to walk more but I have severe anxiety so I don’t get out much. But it’s something I’m working towards and we go out a couple times a week at least.

I think you have unreasonably high expectations of yourself, and you’re finding that they paralyse you into not being able to achieve simpler steps which would make you happy.

Try to let go of the picture-perfect image because nobody’s life is really like that! You only see other people’s highlights reel, not their reality, so you’re comparing yourself to an impossible standard.

Try to set some reasonable goal. Singing round the piano and playing board games are lovely ideas, but in today’s world children aren’t entertained by those things alone. They will still want tv and screens. So set limits on those things - they get two programmes a day, for example, along side other activities which are more in line with what you want.

Takeaways - plan to have one once a week as a treat, and then write a meal plan and shopping list for the rest of the week. Home cooked doesn’t have to mean complicated - make a double batch of spaghetti bolognese one night and then turn the leftovers into chilli to have with a baked potato later in the week for example. You don’t have to be a slave to the kitchen. Get yourself a couple of simple family meal recipe books and work out a few things you’re comfortable with as your regular options.

Eating at the table is a pain with small children but it’s also how the nudging, food stealing toddler learns to be a polite child with good table manners. You’ll just have to grit your teeth and bear it while they’re learning - they will get there!

Your intentions are all good, it’s just your expectations which are out of line. Cut yourself some slack, set manageable goals, and work on them becoming habits. It will happen sooner than you think!

Oh Op you are being sooo soooo hard on yourself.

I wish I knew you so I could let you know how well you are doing given the circumstances.

You have 4 kids and one is a newborn! I couldn’t do it.. I have only 2 and it’s a struggle every day.

Pls don’t be harsh on yourself

I feel your pain! I'm never quite the parent I wanted to be. I was always slightly envious of Mums who were dressed and shopping in town with their children by 9am on a Saturday - most weekends (clubs aside) I'd be in pjs until at least that time.

I should have gone running today, but I'm now lying in bed eating m&m's. Should have cooked, but just ordered take away.

My ability to overspend in my finances has also been an issue. In theory I know I should make a budget and stick to it. In practice I easily overspend on non-essentials. I moved abroad for a better financial package, but I'm just socialising more and have expensive activities for the DC! Oh well!

Fucking Hell. If I had 2 young kids, a toddler and a baby(!) I would be curled up in a ball in the corner rocking and crying so you are doing wonderfully!
You don't need to wear make up or shave your legs, so cross that off your list for a start. Your children don't care if you are wearing mascara.
I do think getting off phones and going outside is important if you can, just for the children to blow off steam and clear your head. it's not too cold at the moment. I also agree that the rural fantasy is very lovely but the reality for children isn't always all that, and in most towns and cities you can find really nice woods and walks etc.
Also, be a LOT nicer to yourself. You are not a "lazy bitch" you are down and exhausted.
Lastly, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, trust me. That perfect piano playing, board game loving family might have all kinds of dark dysfunctions...keep your eyes on your own paper and give gratitude for the smallest of things. You have a lot to be thankful for it just doesn't feel like it today.

Op how long have you been like this? You say it started when you had the two year old? Could you have post natal depression?

I’d speak to my gp but four kids is a lot, and with depression can come a huge lack of energy to deal with what can feel insurmountable.

I’d speak to my doctor. And I’d also try to do one thing per day, just one goal that you set yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s having a Bath, reading the kids a story, or hoovering the living room. Just one goal a day to achieve.

OP if you are someone who really likes to read a book (and I am) then i would check out the blog and books (and youtube channel) of Jennifer L Scott The Daily Connoisseur. She is ALL about living the life you want and making the most of everything you have - no matter what that is.

She recently did a book called Connoisseur kids. And has done a bunch on dressing well. But her blog and you tube channel;s are really good. About making time- about finding out and nourishing what you value.

She has kids- the oldest is about 10. She is a home schooler and a christian (I am neither) but she does not shove that down your throat. It is about living your best life. I really rate her and enjoy her channel.

www.youtube.com/user/TheDailyConnoisseur

*she has 4 kids that was.

Check list:

• take care of self
• 1 hr of chores divided with your DH (see the organised mum method).
• slow cooker meal (15 min prep time only)
• morning activity with the kids (possibly outdoors Even if just going to the shops )
• afternoon activity with the kids ( arts and crafts or baking, or cooking )
• quiet time or nap time for little ones, where you can focus on yourself a little

• family time in the evening where you all eat dinner together or at least try to.. maybe chat about the day or tell a story or just talk about whixh animal eats what food.. maybe do a family fun quiz while you are eating where each person asks a question and everyone has to guess the answer??
• Quick race and game of tidying up and picking up toys before screen time

• bedtimes

Ur gonna have to turn your everyday activities and responsibilities into a game so that it doesn’t have to be a choice between chores and fun. That way you strike two birds with one stone

No need for daily take aways if there is a slow cooker and if you want home cooked. Maybe if you can afford it substitute for recipe boxes ?? That you can easily cook together with the kids?? Why not make life easier for yourself instead of challenging yourself to do it all?

TRain yourself to think positive.

So:

Think and say "If we do it like this we can do it quicker / better without making a mess" rather then 'don't do that!"
"Shall we talk in our happy voices?" rather than "stop whining!"
"You did really well keeping all your food on your plate" rather than 2stop being so messy"
"Your turn - roll the dice!" (to toddler - even if nothing then happens) Or let toddler roll the dice for you.

I used to have 'good manners competitions - who can sit the most nicely etc, and let them point out each others strong points and weaknesses. I used to add in a few comedy loud chompings for them to deduct points form me.

Distract, praise the good, suggest positive improvements.

The main thing with all this is that it improves your own mood.

Take a beat before reacting, and find a way to turn it positive. It will rinse down your own feeling of negativity.

Reading your posts, I feel so sad. I want to whisk you away to a holiday cottage for a week and fill the time with love and joy.

It sounds as though you're at the end of a long, long exhalation and your solution is to just keep giving when what you really need to do is pause and inhale.

Honestly, real kids ruin the life you wanted for your imaginary kids.

It will get easier! Living with babies and toddlers is really hard (and frequently very annoying)!

You will be able to do all the things you want to do when they are a bit older.

I used to find cooking and baking with my children really tiresome when they were little - now it's fun and they even bake and cook by themselves (and are often better at it than I)!

We have just bought board games and have had such a laugh playing together.

We did lovely walks together every day during lockdown and fun day trips to local countryside later on.

My kids do chores when asked/nagged/bribed. They are 10 and 11. It WILL get easier and more fun!

Social media has a lot to answer for as people only post the good bits etc
It was ads in the 90s that used to wind me up with their unrealistic images of a nice happy life but with SM it's constant and we all think that children will be one way and often they are completely different to how we think they will be or act.

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit you have one child. I'm pretty sure the OP would have, and had, no issues with one child of 2 who can be your sole focus. Add in to that two older children and a baby and you are in to far more of a juggle, and way more exhaustion. Your one child is also looked after elsewhere for 4 days a week. Very very different kettle of fish!

If you weren't able to do your (very normal) things like walks and home cooking with one 2 year old then yes, you may have issues.

I see where you are coming from .but with 4 small children to care for you are setting yourself up for failure if you want a picture perfect "ideal" of a life! "All Fed None Dead" is a better mantra TBH! In reality your Ideal is really just that a dream Im afraid .No one will manage all that unless they have paid help and a Nanny.4 small DC is hard going .However it is still possible to have some sort of life .1 /Weekends DH tidies /hoovers 2 Maybe just on Sunday lunch they all sit round the table .3 Possible for short walks maybe once or twice a week.4 In a few short years they will all be off at School! Meantime carve some "me" time a nice soak in the bath while DH looks over them .How about some treats online of lippy and a nice powder/blusher .some reasonable price scent? Always keep on top of washing , but other chores dont go mad a quick tidy round and hoover once or twice a week will suffice .It will always be there but if they are happy and cared for ,thats all that matters!Chin Up you are doing a really great job there !

You have 4 kiddies, & the youngest isn’t even one yet. Cut yourself a break. You’re expecting too much of yourself, at the stage you’re at. You need to be more realistic about where you’re at right now & achieve small wins within your means. The “dream” lifestyle will come but you need to get through the very little years first.

I feel the same way op. Everything seems like a massive hassle and it's easier to just pop everyone in front of the screen for quiet time. I find that putting the phone away for myself is the first step to being more productive. But doing things with kids is difficult, just getting them out the door is 30 minutes of wrangling a toddler and shouting at older kids to put their clothes on. Nevermind the arguments about how they don't want to go or do anything or can we go for ice cream or go to that park that is 30 minutes away. Rather than any park within 5 minutes from home.

After lockdown get semi permanent makeup then you will have your game face on permanently. I can’t give you advice on being crafty or baking because I’m rubbish at both. Could you get a playpen for the toddler and trap them?

Changing your whole life is a real challenge especially with 4 kids and perfection every day is simply not possible (I’m sorry).
You need to develop habits. There is a lot of information on how to do this and it is hard work to begin with but gets easier. How about focusing on one day a week? Say Sunday where you implement the things you want. On Sunday you do full shower, shave make-up and dress for dinner. You start the day with cleaning and preparing for a Sunday dinner. And go out for a walk. Everyone dresses for dinner around 2 and this is had at the table (food in the middle so no need to take others food) but there will still be squealing and babies there. This is the only way to teach table manners though. Followed by games or listening to music or radio. A little screen time just before bed for kids and checking peeped for Monday school. I agree older kids should be helping with chores. And once kids are in bed you and DH have a late supper and chat with music on. One day will be hard but it will become habit.
I was one of 4 and looking back my parents did an amazing job considering but we’re probably just about managing to keep their head above water in all respects. We did do dinner at the table on Sunday though and bath and have a fire to warm/dry. It’s a really nice memory I have and hold onto.

I bought a piano to inspire my children to be musical - it was a dream like yours, we would be the Von Trapp family.
I had to pay a man to deliver it.
It smelt fusty and stunk the downstairs.
I had to pay a man to tune it.
I can’t play piano, neither could I teach myself despite trying. The children weren’t in the slightest bit interested.
I had to pay a man to remove it.

Don’t buy a piano.