DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

Also it's important to reconcile the kids. Joint activity of some sorts. I.e. your kid can play the console if he invites the other kid over

Bloody hell! So the girl who held my daughter down and shoved grass down her throat should get to play board games or other fun activity?

What would you suggest to domestic violence victims?

Some people are clueless

Some truly mad advice on this thread. The bully to be tarred and feathered in the market square and now the poor victim forced to be his friend?!

I think it’s unfortunate that this kicked off on a Friday nights and think it’s unfortunate that you’ve posted this on AIBU - as honestly some of these responses seem to overlook that we are talking about a thirteen year old boy.

What I would strongly suggest is that you come up with a plan with the school. The school will far better understand the dynamic here and what’s going on. With stuff like this quite often the year group may actually round on your child if was he’s done is perceived as “over the line” - but again this will depend on the dynamics etc.

The aim here isn’t to make him feel as shit as the person he bullied (despite what posters seem to think) it’s to make him stop doing this again.

All of the punishments in the world aren’t going to work if he still cannot see why he is being punished. To him - he cannot connect the - he bullied boy to boy throwing blazer in the bin because of the bird poo bit inbetween.

If the school is good they should be able to support you with this.

I'd be livid and make his life miserable for some time.

What would you suggest to domestic violence victims?

We are speaking of pretty young kids, not adults here. Like it or not, kids get into scraps. And at that age it is still possible to mend things. For both parties.
And of course, damaged property has to be replaced.

Why on earth should the kid who has been humiliated and mocked, singled out, probably filmed, gossiped about on a WhatsApp group be remotely interested in mending anything.

Its not for him to be mending.

he should be left well alone to get on with his schooling. After all, isn't that what they are there for?

We are speaking of pretty young kids, not adults here. Like it or not, kids get into scraps. And at that age it is still possible to mend things. For both parties

This wasn’t a scrap, this was a 13 year old bullying another child whilst others stood round and did nothing.

The victim isn’t there to make the bully feel better. Do you actually understand bullying? The tears they shed every day, the loss of appetite, the sparkle goes from their lives and the sadness is unspeakable. The feel worthless and truly unhappy.

You can’t just jolly them along into being best buddies with a group of loud bullies. Fucks sake.

@BluebellsGreenbells while I agree pushing anything here is a terrible idea - the truth is - at 13 yes they may all be best mates in 4 weeks time.

Not that anyone should force this in any way, but it is how teenagers often work. I recall getting into an actual fist fight with a girl at school - we were best mates a few weeks later.

By the way I think OPs DS has behaved appallingly - but this eye for eye stuff reflect more badly on the posters than anything else.

The victim isn’t there to make the bully feel better. Do you actually understand bullying? The tears they shed every day, the loss of appetite, the sparkle goes from their lives and the sadness is unspeakable. The feel worthless and truly unhappy.

I understand very well. I was that unhappy one, hating school and contemplating murder (not suicide, but murder). But then tables got turned on my tormentor, and then I was in the crowd laughing and jeering. Another bully apologised to me (after parents had a long talk) and we didn't exactly become mates, but managed to act civilised.
That is why I'm suggesting that making peace is better option. The bully needs to face consequences. The victim deserves compensation and apology.

The victim isn’t there to make the bully feel better. Do you actually understand bullying? The tears they shed every day, the loss of appetite, the sparkle goes from their lives and the sadness is unspeakable. The feel worthless and truly unhappy.

You are projecting here. Unless I missed something there is nothing to suggest that this isn't a one-off incident for the victim. Not everybody who is bullied is affected to that degree. I was subjected to intermittent bullying and yes it did smart for a while but it certainly didn't remove all joy from life. I don't like the narrative that is being set here. If you are a bully in school even just one or two incidents that's it, you are a horrible person who deserves to be tarred, feathered and live a life of misery. If you are a victim of bullying that's it you are going to live an unhappy joyless life which you spend quaking in your boots. Lots of people have the ability to put the past behind them, to change, to move on quite quickly. A lot of things that happen at 13 when you are still a child don't have to define you for the rest of your life. You can just shrug it off and move on.

I doubt something this severe was the first incident?

@Aloethere completely agree. Shocking responses here “pour milk down his blazer and make him walk around with it” or “bully him for that weekend”

I mean seriously WTF. OPs son has been cruel - but some of the suggestions on here are borderline sadistic.

You can just shrug it off and move on

OK

Also it's important to reconcile the kids. Joint activity of some sorts. I.e. your kid can play the console if he invites the other kid over

Exactly what every bullied kid wants, an invite to the bullies house to game under the supervision of parents who described themselves as not the strictest parents in the world. Realistically how do you think that will end? The OP has given no indication that these kids were friends previously who fell out.

Exactly what every bullied kid wants, an invite to the bullies house to game under the supervision of parents who described themselves as not the strictest parents in the world. Realistically how do you think that will end?

Not at this particular point. But it's important to show that the offending party wants to make amends.

I would be extremely surprised if tipping a bow of food over a child's head is a one off @Aloethere. The op said this isn't the first time her son had bullied that she knows of.

I suspect the other boy has been told to ignore the bullying so the OP's son and his mates are escalating the assaults in order to get a reaction.

The thing is that parents only find out when shit hits the fan. Because kids avoid complaining and teachers just ignore. And very likely, adults will never find out the root cause.

I suspect the other boy has been told to ignore the bullying so the OP's son and his mates are escalating the assaults in order to get a reaction
I have to agree.
It never starts that extreme unless there's an argument ATM. They've more than likely being low level bullying this DC who i feel deeply sorry for.

I suspect the other boy has been told to ignore the bullying so the OP's son and his mates are escalating the assaults in order to get a reaction

In this case I would be very cross with teachers. Because they most likely knew and failed to act or inform parents.

Cant even imagine how awful the boy must be feeling about going into school tomorrow and facing OP's son

@CatsArePeopleToo

I suspect the other boy has been told to ignore the bullying so the OP's son and his mates are escalating the assaults in order to get a reaction

In this case I would be very cross with teachers. Because they most likely knew and failed to act or inform parents.

Often the school doesn't know. Bullies are sly and there is still a culture of not snitching. My son is the same age as the OP's and he refuses to tell me his bully's name in case I talk to the school.

It seems to have stopped now but the school weren't aware.

@CatsArePeopleToo

The thing is that parents only find out when shit hits the fan. Because kids avoid complaining and teachers just ignore. And very likely, adults will never find out the root cause.

Agreed There's a culture of not grassing on the poorly behaved. I thought that dumping food on people was a movie trope.

FWIW OP I think you're handing it well. It must have been a horrible shock but well done for facing the tough truth and acting on that info.

We are speaking of pretty young kids, not adults here. Like it or not, kids get into scraps. And at that age it is still possible to mend things. For both parties.
And of course, damaged property has to be replaced.

This kid was publicly humiliated at a time of his life where he'll be feeling self conscious. There will be video of this circulating and age 13 means he's got another 3 years minimum at this school. Even if he changes school, this video will haunt him forever and is a click away.

I don't think this is a scrap. That's minimizing it to the max. A scrap would be a verbal disagreement whether or not someone was offside when they scored a goal.

Adults would struggle to cope with the humiliation at what happened. How did this 13 year old get through the rest of the day knowing that everybody knew about his humiliation and could watch it on repeat. Adults have strategies like the police or legal action. Kids are expected to suck it up and see their tormentors daily,

13 is not a young kid ffs

@Storyoftonight

I agree. What the kid did was foul and there does need to be more awareness of the consequences but as adults , say an ex partner threatened to commit suicide added a split or a messy row , we jump to tell adults it isn't their fault.

That's not the same or even comparable, as the other adult didn't do anything wrong by ending the relationship.

Ending a relationship is not wrong. Bullying is.

The equivalent would be a victim of domestic abuse committing suicide...which 200 women do every year in the UK, as they see no escape from the abuse. So abusive men should absolutely be made to see what could happen....if they actually cared

Forcing an emotionally damaged child to watch suicide videos is outrageous.

I disagree..

It shows what his bullying could lead to for the other person.

OP.... I think what you did was excellent in terms of getting him to understand the possible consequences of his behaviour.

He knows it's wrong.
He told a story about the boy throwing his blazer away omitting the reason was down to his bullying him
It's not his first incident of bullying

There was a serious incident of bullying planned for my DD when she was in primary school. Luckily one of the girls felt guilty and told DD what the others were planning.

What they systematically planned was so cruel, that even 9/10 years later it has me welling up. Luckily the HT took it very seriously and they were punished, their parents were notified and they all had to write letters of apology to DD

My DD was inconsolable and I think any child who bullies, should be made well aware of the consequences if how the victim feels and what it could lead to.