DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

My DS has asd, i teach him empathy by asking him how he would feel if ........ happened to him.. It seems to help.

13 is not a young kid ffs

Young enough to learn a lesson and be corrected. A few years down the line that would be a criminal record.

We are speaking of pretty young kids, not adults here. Like it or not, kids get into scraps. And at that age it is still possible to mend things. For both parties.

This is minimising by calling it a scrap.

It's this kind of blaze attitude from some parents that can lead to a repeat and the childnot taking it seriously.

Young enough to learn a lesson and be corrected. A few years down the line that would be a criminal record.

He didn't learn from the last time though did he.

Never mind the incidents the OP is unaware of.

He would lose his phone and all screen time. Laptops and gaming all stops immediately. He goes onto basic rations. No fun. No treats. No playdates. No sweets. No chocolate. Nothing nice at all. He gets treated like a criminal and he has to write a letter of apology and he is confined to his room after school for an entire week. If you don’t crack down on this now you’re going to be in big trouble. He needs his comfy smug rug pulled from under him. You must be disgusted with him. What he did is vile.

My DD was inconsolable and I think any child who bullies, should be made well aware of the consequences if how the victim feels and what it could lead to.

There can be another scary outcome. What if the bullied kid has and older sibling or even a parent who is, let's say a gang member or some criminal character... such thing happened in my school. Was pretty bad for a nasty boy. But the wronged girl was treated with highest respect ever since by everyone.

Young enough to learn a lesson and be corrected. A few years down the line that would be a criminal record.

Come on - throwing food on someone isn't the first time he's been a bully. There's clearly been a build up to doing something so extreme. OP has admitted that she knows of him bullying in the past and if you have a child at school then you know as a parent that you only know a small percentage of what really goes on and how your child really behaves.

This kid was publicly humiliated at a time of his life where he'll be feeling self conscious. There will be video of this circulating and age 13 means he's got another 3 years minimum at this school. Even if he changes school, this video will haunt him forever and is a click away.

Where are you getting this info from? Do you know the child involved? Where is this video that is going to haunt him forever?

Adults would struggle to cope with the humiliation at what happened. How did this 13 year old get through the rest of the day knowing that everybody knew about his humiliation and could watch it on repeat.

You talk to your friends, you sit around and talk about how the other person is a dick, your friends agree, you all know that it isn't you, it's them. This is how I handled things and how my kids and their friends handle things. Surely everyone knows that there are some dickheads in every class and they do dickhead things that their mates think are hilarious but everyone else just thinks they are dickhead things?

I'm not saying bullying is right and should go unchecked. I'm not saying everyone has to just get over everything but in the real world, lots of people just do don't they? Sure you might think about it from time to time but it doesn't have to 'haunt you forever'.

Where are you getting this info from? Do you know the child involved? Where is this video that is going to haunt him forever?

Most 13 year olds have a smartphone. I would not be surprised if kids behaved like adults and got their phones out when this happened.

Cant even imagine how awful the boy must be feeling about going into school tomorrow and facing OP's son

Which is why he must be left alone or quietly supported to get on with his education and his life........not forced to socialise with his abuser, prance around in a new blazer or anything else which draws even more attention to him

What they systematically planned was so cruel, that even 9/10 years later it has me welling up
I think I'd be done for assault of a minor if it was my DD.
Adults would struggle to cope with the humiliation at what happened. How did this 13 year old get through the rest of the day knowing that everybody knew about his humiliation and could watch it on repeat

You talk to your friends, you sit around and talk about how the other person is a dick, your friends agree, you all know that it isn't you, it's them. This is how I handled things and how my kids and their friends handle things

You forget the victim doesn't usually have friends no one wants to hang out with the target and the bully never picks on a popular DC.
Once a target other bullies join in.
I've no doubt it was recorded it was probably part of the plan.

You forget the victim doesn't usually have friends no one wants to hang out with the target and the bully never picks on a popular DC.

Just because you are not popular doesn't mean you don't have friends! My ds is 13 has asd so is seen as the weird kid by lots, he certainly isn't popular but he still has friends. There is absolutely nothing in the OP to show that this was more than a one-off towards this particular boy, never mind that he is a 'target'. The OPs son could have seen his shot and gone for it, a spur of the moment dickhead decision, not some targeted ongoing thing.

My scenario is just as likely as the kid is a loner, no friends, perpetual target who is going to be haunted forever and never be the same again that so many here think.

I had friends and was bullied for being 'too skinny'. A friend of my 11 year old is coincidently being bullied for the same thing at the moment. No they aren't the 'popular' gang either but they are friends. How weird to think you think you have to be a friendless loner to have an experience with bullying! I'd be embarrassed admitting I was being bullied if I thought that that would be what everyone assumed about me if I confided in them.

well how do you think the child feels who also won't be having a blazer on Monday' to which he said 'how's that my fault?'

He hasn't learnt his lesson then has he? He obviously lacks empathy from what you have said and likely explanation is due to his start in his life. However, you cannot justify his behaviour by bringing it back to his past.

Maybe counselling? Go to a doctor, explain his lack of empathy towards others is concerning you about his future as an adult.

So he’s wrote out a page on how bullying can affect people and we’ve had another talk about how suicide is the worse case scenario but the memories and scars of bullying can last a lifetime.

He’s also wrote a letter of apology to the child and the parents and said he’s going to volunteer for the anti bullying committee that the school said about a week ago. Apparently he didn’t volunteer before as he thought people would laugh at him.

He’s now putting in a load of washing and cleaning and tidying the house in a really good mood. I feel like he’s really trying and has realised how dangerous bullying can be.

that sounds really positive @orangesalad Heres hoping next week is a much better week.

OP you are teaching him about bullying not being ok which is fine, but you aren't dealing with the underlying feelings which prompted the bullying in the first place. Even if he doesn't bully again, and he might, those feelings will still be there and the feelings will come out in other ways.

I and a few others have suggested you seek professional help for this, and I just wanted to say it again.

I think it’s very clear that there are lots of reasons why this boy might have all sorts of complicated feelings. It’s clear he does have empathy too, even if he didn’t in that moment. The posters who are speaking about him as if he might be found clubbing puppies for fun are being unkind and hyperbolic.

@gypsywater

13 is not a young kid ffs

Yes , it is.

@iseeu

OP you are teaching him about bullying not being ok which is fine, but you aren't dealing with the underlying feelings which prompted the bullying in the first place. Even if he doesn't bully again, and he might, those feelings will still be there and the feelings will come out in other ways.

I and a few others have suggested you seek professional help for this, and I just wanted to say it again.

in fairness , OP can't win here. She has tried to point out his underlying issues and been hit with accusations of excusing his behaviour.

@Starlightstarbright1

My DS has asd, i teach him empathy by asking him how he would feel if ........ happened to him.. It seems to help.

I am pleased for your son.

However my experience of ASD is that for some children this is completely and utterly impossible. And not in a nasty way, they just don't get it .

On reflection I agree that we haven't given DS enough responsibility in his life. I think the first step for us is to make sure he's doing something helpful for others who are more unfortunate than himself so he can see that life isn't all roses like his has been lately and that he can make a difference through his actions. He also needs to be doing more chores and helpful tasks around the home. Despite his misgivings he can be lovely, always offering to make us a coffee, always asking how our days have been, plays with his younger DB who adores him etc.. I don't excuse his behaviour last week AT ALL... it's a disgusting way to treat another person and we won't tolerate it.

I know he wants to do well but has terrible judgment and has a strong belief that he knows best which can often get him into trouble. If the same patterns continue after these changes we are making we will seek professional help.

If I found out my daughter did this id take her phone away for a while and possibly give her a Nokia phone without Internet, if she needs to get in contact with us.

@Storyoftonight a lot of the advice the OP has had here goes against research based parenting, and more care is needed when you are dealing with a child with the ds' background. I wasn't really thinking of "winning" here more focusing on what is likely to be needed

What will he be doing as part of the anti bullying committee? Him being there might not be the best thing for the victims of bullying. He clearly hasn't yet understood the gravity of his behaviour.

Hi consequences shouldn't be detrimental to others.

something not quite adding up here.