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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

298 replies

Faij · 06/11/2020 14:50

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 18:58

The op is at risk so even more reason for them to know

But he still didn’t ask. Confused

Bollss · 06/11/2020 18:59

@flaviaritt

The op is at risk so even more reason for them to know

But he still didn’t ask. Confused

He has asked. Can you not read?
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:00

He has asked. Can you not read?

I read very well. He asked for his ex to tell him if the children were ill. Why, given that his wife is seriously at risk if she contracts a minor cold, didn’t he ask “Is anyone ill?” Why on earth wouldn’t he ask that in these times?

Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:01

@flaviaritt

He has asked. Can you not read?

I read very well. He asked for his ex to tell him if the children were ill. Why, given that his wife is seriously at risk if she contracts a minor cold, didn’t he ask “Is anyone ill?” Why on earth wouldn’t he ask that in these times?

Right so he has asked. Why can't his ex just tell him as he has asked?
Flowerpot345 · 06/11/2020 19:01

I think its normal to tell the parent if the kids arent well.
The kid should also have had a covid test as they are displaying symptoms, its thickos like this that spread it.
Please get your partner to book the child in for a test OP.

spongedog · 06/11/2020 19:01

TrustTheGeneGenie Fri 06-Nov-20 18:33:01

Stop projecting. I'm sorry your situation is shit but it's in no way comparable is it?

You've been very vocal and hostile on this thread - actually not very constructively. One would almost wonder if you were a 2nd string to the OP.
But actually my situation isnt shit. And it is totally comparable - I have DC who are moving (legitimately) between parent homes where communication is difficult and a father isnt stepping up. So I have observations of value to add. The OP sounds overly-obsessed with health. Not good for DC at all.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:02

Right so he has asked. Why can't his ex just tell him as he has asked?

You haven’t answered me. Let me answer instead. Because he doesn’t care enough. He wants someone else to do that bit of work for him.

Stantons · 06/11/2020 19:02

@flaviaritt generally no the people you have engaged with haven't been unreasonable, look at the voting on this thread with the majority saying she isnt unreasonable, other posters have made the odd comment but you are like a dog with a bone and over seen you do it on other step parent threads too

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:03

Right so he has asked. Why can't his ex just tell him as he has asked?

Question still unanswered. If it is that important to him, why can’t he do the remembering? Surely it stands to reason that he would be more likely to remember, since he is the one with the issue?

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:04

Stantons

Think you have misunderstood me. Anyway, no, not a step parent. I know lots of lovely step parents.

Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:04

@flaviaritt

Right so he has asked. Why can't his ex just tell him as he has asked?

Question still unanswered. If it is that important to him, why can’t he do the remembering? Surely it stands to reason that he would be more likely to remember, since he is the one with the issue?

I don't think he's not remembering is he, that's just something you've made up haven't you?
Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:05

@flaviaritt

Stantons

Think you have misunderstood me. Anyway, no, not a step parent. I know lots of lovely step parents.

Bet they're all big fans of you Hmm
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:05

I don't think he's not remembering is he, that's just something you've made up haven't you?

But that’s even worse.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:06

Bet they're all big fans of you hmm

Most of the ones I like seem to like me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:06

@spongedog

TrustTheGeneGenie Fri 06-Nov-20 18:33:01

Stop projecting. I'm sorry your situation is shit but it's in no way comparable is it?

You've been very vocal and hostile on this thread - actually not very constructively. One would almost wonder if you were a 2nd string to the OP.
But actually my situation isnt shit. And it is totally comparable - I have DC who are moving (legitimately) between parent homes where communication is difficult and a father isnt stepping up. So I have observations of value to add. The OP sounds overly-obsessed with health. Not good for DC at all.

You can look at my massive posting history if you want before you advise me of being op?

Op is immunocompromised - not obsessed with health. What you've said is massively offensive actually.

Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:06

@flaviaritt

I don't think he's not remembering is he, that's just something you've made up haven't you?

But that’s even worse.

What's worse that you've made it up?
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:08

What's worse that you've made it up?

That he might remember and just... not bother.

Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:08

@flaviaritt

What's worse that you've made it up?

That he might remember and just... not bother.

Again though you've just made that up as well haven't you?
Gillian1980 · 06/11/2020 19:09

Yanbu.

I don’t think an update is necessary every visit, but a quick one only when they’re poorly would help.

Just a text “oh btw, Jimmy has a bit of a cold this week” takes a second.
Gives you chance to check you have enough paracetamol and tissues etc and you can be ready to keep a little more distance.

Stantons · 06/11/2020 19:09

@flaviaritt I assume you don't speak to them or treat them thur way you do step parents on here though

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:09

Again though you've just made that up as well haven't you?

How do you explain it, then? If he remembered, why wouldn’t he ask?

Original poster
Faij · 06/11/2020 19:09

DH absolutely does care, thanks.

When I came out of hospital he spoke to her of his own accord and asked her to please let us know In advance if the children are ill.

Ok, he hasn't continued to ask her every week because naively he believed she would have the common decency to do as (she) agreed.

The fact of the matter is she is sending her children to other houses, school etc with something consisting of covid symptoms and we can't even rule that out because it's too late for a test. It just so happens that I'm immunocompromised so it's doubly shit.

I could have mitigated that risk if I knew ahead, if for nothing other than peace of mind that I had taken what steps I could to protect myself, even if I did end up getting it anyway.

DH let's her know when DSS gets a bump on the head or graze on his knee in our care for fuck sake.

OP posts:
Bollss · 06/11/2020 19:10

@flaviaritt

Again though you've just made that up as well haven't you?

How do you explain it, then? If he remembered, why wouldn’t he ask?

He has asked. For normal people, when you ask someone to do something, that's so easy, they just do it.
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:10

Stantons

Largely, yes. If they ask what I think, I tell them. If they call me an idiot, I reply with slightly more courtesy than that.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 19:11

He has asked. For normal people, when you ask someone to do something, that's so easy, they just do it.

There’s no sensible answer to my actual question here (again) so I will leave you to your dictionary.