To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

Anyone with half a brain would realise it's easier to say they are ill than ask every time

And happily, because I have half a brain, I realise that it is easier for the DH for this to happen, but actually harder work for the mum to remember to mention minor colds and runny noses. But the point here is that it is someone at his house that has the immune system issue, not hers. So he should be the one who remembers to ask (since it is important). I agree it might be courteous for her to remember, but it is absolutely not true for the OP to say ‘not my responsibility’, in relation to a serious question about her own health.

He shouldn’t have to ask for the information though should he? The mum should have the basic common sense to give it to him.

He should have the basic common sense to ask, seeing as the risk of a cold is to the mother of his child.

@flaviaritt are you a step parent?

Stantons

What does that have to do with anything?

@flaviaritt

Anyone with half a brain would realise it's easier to say they are ill than ask every time

And happily, because I have half a brain, I realise that it is easier for the DH for this to happen, but actually harder work for the mum to remember to mention minor colds and runny noses. But the point here is that it is someone at his house that has the immune system issue, not hers. So he should be the one who remembers to ask (since it is important). I agree it might be courteous for her to remember, but it is absolutely not true for the OP to say ‘not my responsibility’, in relation to a serious question about her own health.

It's hard for mum to pay attention to her own children's health? I'm not sure she should even have custody of them if she cannot manage that!

It's really really simple for every single adult in the equation to simply give/ask for information.

This poor kid doesn't need so much drama in his life and the adults making out something so easy, is so very difficult.

It makes me wonder what other unnecessary dramas go on.

He should have the basic common sense to ask, seeing as the risk of a cold is to the mother of his child.

Clearly we have different attitudes towards parenting. You don’t think it’s important for a parent to inform their child’s other parent when their child is ill whereas I do. To you it’s all about scoring points.

@flaviaritt I'm just curious why you spend so much time arguing with step parents and putting them down and telling them they are wrong when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes. A little empathy goes a long way

It's hard for mum to pay attention to her own children's health? I'm not sure she should even have custody of them if she cannot manage that!

It's hard for mum to pay attention to her own children's health? I'm not sure she should even have custody of them if she cannot manage that!

But that gets the issue in reverse. While they are with her she obviously provides the necessary care. Then, for some odd reason I don’t understand, they go to their dad’s and suddenly their parent won’t ask a basic question that protects them (if they need extra care), his wife (who has immune system problems) and his other child. But somehow she is the incompetent parent in your mind? Dear me.

If the child has been taking paracetamol then it's clear the mother is aware. Pretty selfish not to drop a quick text to mention it so you could make other plans for yourself. Some people are just arseholes.

Stantons

For no other reason than that the OP asked whether she is unreasonable and I think she is.

@flaviaritt

It's hard for mum to pay attention to her own children's health? I'm not sure she should even have custody of them if she cannot manage that!

But that gets the issue in reverse. While they are with her she obviously provides the necessary care. Then, for some odd reason I don’t understand, they go to their dad’s and suddenly their parent won’t ask a basic question that protects them (if they need extra care), his wife (who has immune system problems) and his other child. But somehow she is the incompetent parent in your mind? Dear me.

She is incompetent if it's too hard for her to "remember" if her child has a cold like you said?

Clearly we have different attitudes towards parenting. You don’t think it’s important for a parent to inform their child’s other parent when their child is ill whereas I do. To you it’s all about scoring points.

No, to him (clearly) it is about scoring points. In his shoes, I would just ask. He refuses to do that. I don’t know why.

Its not hard work for anyone for goodness sake. It's a quick mention of an illness when dropping a child off with/they are collected by their other parent. I'd expect it from whichever parent the child had been with when the illness started whether or not that were mum and dad.

It's hardly asking someone to solve world hunger. What's with the dramatics. I thought it was a pretty standard thing to do, some people don't evidently. But don't try and pretend it's a huge amount of additional graft ffs.

@flaviaritt

Clearly we have different attitudes towards parenting. You don’t think it’s important for a parent to inform their child’s other parent when their child is ill whereas I do. To you it’s all about scoring points.

No, to him (clearly) it is about scoring points. In his shoes, I would just ask. He refuses to do that. I don’t know why.

He's not scoring points. He's asked for one simple thing. The only person bothered about point scoring here is you. God forbid mum do anything nice ever.

She is incompetent if it's too hard for her to "remember" if her child has a cold like you said?

Madness. No, she isn’t incompetent for forgetting her child has a very minor sniffle. However, the fact that the OP’s husband, who knows his own wife might be made seriously ill by this, gets away (in your mind) with not asking about this, but the mother is “incompetent” for not mentioning it, says a lot about your double standards.

He's not scoring points. He's asked for one simple thing

A thing he could and absolutely should do himself (because it is essential to the wellbeing of his family), but would rather farm out to his ex partner.

Please be very careful about not letting your quite extreme views about minor health issues impact the DC. My DC's stepparent puts on a mask when they are about and wont let them sit within 2m at the dinner table, insists they shower when coming in from school, etc. The "parent" in that home says and does nothing. My DC hate it - they come back to mine and can relax. That is supposed to be their other home.

All kids pick up things at school - some a lot more nasty than others. Just wait until your little one picks up D&V bugs. They take weeks to rotate around the family. The attitude to this really affects children. I am very matter of fact and we just get on with it. The other parent is very hysterical - my DC have been to A&E so many times this year. Absolutely unwarranted.

We all have different attitudes and views on health. The DC's mum isnt wrong if her attitude is different to yours. As other pps have said these DC have a dad. He needs to step up.

But I dont like your attitude towards their mum. The DC will know how you feel. I certainly wouldnt be doing you any favours if it were me.

@flaviaritt

He's not scoring points. He's asked for one simple thing

A thing he could and absolutely should do himself (because it is essential to the wellbeing of his family), but would rather farm out to his ex partner.

Farm it out?

You really think it's hard for her to say her kid is ill?

Do u not think she needs to mention when last dose of paracetamol was taken or is that unimportant as well?

No, to him (clearly) it is about scoring points. In his shoes, I would just ask. He refuses to do that. I don’t know why.

Here we go with the man hating now it's all DH's fault

He HAS asked her to let us know if the kids have a bug/cold/illness and explained exactly why that was.

She knows.

He doesn't need to repeat the request every week because most reasonable adults will cop on the first time.

No, to him (clearly) it is about scoring points. In his shoes, I would just ask. He refuses to do that. I don’t know why.

She refuses to share important information. She’s the one who knows about the illness so the onus is on her to tell him from that point. If she doesn’t then she’s not being a good parent.

@flaviaritt

She is incompetent if it's too hard for her to "remember" if her child has a cold like you said?

Madness. No, she isn’t incompetent for forgetting her child has a very minor sniffle. However, the fact that the OP’s husband, who knows his own wife might be made seriously ill by this, gets away (in your mind) with not asking about this, but the mother is “incompetent” for not mentioning it, says a lot about your double standards.

It's not double standards. You're being ridiculous. How do you forget your own child is ill ffs?

@spongedog

Please be very careful about not letting your quite extreme views about minor health issues impact the DC. My DC's stepparent puts on a mask when they are about and wont let them sit within 2m at the dinner table, insists they shower when coming in from school, etc. The "parent" in that home says and does nothing. My DC hate it - they come back to mine and can relax. That is supposed to be their other home.

All kids pick up things at school - some a lot more nasty than others. Just wait until your little one picks up D&V bugs. They take weeks to rotate around the family. The attitude to this really affects children. I am very matter of fact and we just get on with it. The other parent is very hysterical - my DC have been to A&E so many times this year. Absolutely unwarranted.

We all have different attitudes and views on health. The DC's mum isnt wrong if her attitude is different to yours. As other pps have said these DC have a dad. He needs to step up.

But I dont like your attitude towards their mum. The DC will know how you feel. I certainly wouldnt be doing you any favours if it were me.

Stop projecting. I'm sorry your situation is shit but it's in no way comparable is it?

You really think it's hard for her to say her kid is ill?

I don’t think it is hard. I think it is easy for him to ask, and, if he cared as much about his wife’s health as he seems to think his ex ought to, he would. He clearly doesn’t care enough to ask, just enough to expect her to do it. Quelle surprise.