I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

I didn't like mine either tbh and when I lost them earlier this year didn't look for them. DH doesn't often wear his either. I currently am wesring a pretty £3 ring I liked. I don't lnow if we will ever bother with new rings, or marriage is good and the rings are just symbols. It's nice if you like them but they are not neccessary.

I really don’t think it matters that it’s not “worth” anything in terms or monetary value. How long have you been married? Could you ask for a special ring for a 10th/15th/20th anniversary?

I hardly wear my original engagement ring as I now have a few others that either my husband or kids have brought me as gifts, so I don’t think it matters you don’t wear it and I think your husband is right not to care. Hell, sometimes I don’t wear any ring at all and he’s never commented.

I think you’re stuck on this but from the outside it’s a non issue. You’ve not mentioned anything else “bad” about your husband, so I think it’s unfair to say he made no effort.... he proposed and you got married, some effort was made. If it’s bothering you this much to the point you’re fixated on it maybe some talking therapy might be a good idea.

Also, could you not just buy an inexpensive ring you like? Etsy is full of beautiful rings!

My engagement ring in amazing it is beautiful and the diamond was expensive and a good size. I love it and wear it every day.
I just wish our marriage was half as amazing as the ring

My first marriage was a bit like @goingtogetthekids I had a big flash expensive ring that everyone noticed, but the marriage was not great. The ring was a sign for him of his ownership of me. All style no substance.
Second time around despite being considerably better off the ring was barely noticed by anyone when I started wearing it ( one of my staff had been working daily with me four months before she noticed). You wouldn't notice the diamonds to be honest there is a green sapphire that was chosen for it's meaning. The ring is a token the relationship is the important bit.

I understand OP. I didn't like my cheap tiny online ring either. I was quite annoyed with myself because my DH didn't propose with a ring so we could have chosen one together but I thought it would be romantic to ask him to pick one. Don't know what I was thinking as he is clueless and we didn't have a lot of money. if I'd have been involved id have been trawling around second hand shops or eBay looking for something aesthetically pleasing but not necessarily expensive. He of course, just went to an online discount ring store and got something he could afford with tiny diamond chips. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I wore it until the wedding and then I just wore my wedding band and told him I preferred the look of a plan gold.band. I do sometimes have a bit of ring envy but what can you do? He has bought me a couple.of.nice bits of jewellery for Christmases.since but I've generally picked them myself. He finds it easier and though the romance isnt there, I get to wear something that I really really love.

I think all this probably makes me a bad person like everyone is making you out to be too 😁. But I think the rotter here is your SIL. What is her game? Don't let it get to you. Tell your DH that all her banging on about expensive jewellery has made you envious and ask if you can start saving up for a really lovely eternity ring for your 10th anniversary now. If save £20 a month you should have a good pot by then and then make sure you go out and pick it together!

So you liked it until you realised the value of it?
Your poor husband!

I’m surprised how many on MN have and are happy with cheap rings - there’s nothing wrong with cheap rings if you are happy with them, but the pressure to keep up with friends and family is strong.

Some of us are not quite so shallow as to feel the need to "keep up with family and friends" and are happy to treasure a ring given to us by someone who loves us - whatever the cost.

What happens in another 5 years when you decide you don't like the upgrade anymore and want something different again?

What's a promise ring?

I just wish our marriage was half as amazing as the ring

....And there we have it. The ring doesn't matter, the marriage does.

So that explains what’s wrong with your engagement ring in your mind but what’s wrong with your wedding ring , they don’t normally have diamonds in? You should still wear that.

My original engagement ring was stolen when my house was burgled. Im not going to lie....the ring was lovely, chosen together and bespoke made for me. I prefer my replacement.....the central stone is bigger and I like the design better....but I'd swap it in a heartbeat for the stolen one because to me, that's the one that symbolised our love, commitment and marriage.....even if it had come out of a Christmas cracker, I'd swap back if I could

We didn't do engagement ring because frankly I think its a bit daft (each to their own) and my wedding ring was about £200 - we made them together with a local jeweler. Nothing flash, nothing of any financial value but means the world to me and will do for my DD when I croak it because of what it symbolises not how much it cost. I think this definitely calls for a head wobble.

there’s nothing wrong with cheap rings if you are happy with them, but the pressure to keep up with friends and family is strong

What an utterly bizarre statement. My DH bought me the most beautiful engagement ring, it had absolutely nothing to do with pressure to keep up, he could afford it and thought it was perfect (and so do I) so he bought it. Why does everything have to be about 'showing off'

My engagement ring is beautiful and my husband designed it so it is very special but I did still want a massive diamond ring!! So I got my own.

I've asked for an upgrade

Wow

Such a shame to feel that way - what don't you like about the wedding ring? Is it just spoiled by your feelings about the engagement ring?

Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like a lot of your resentment comes from thinking your SIL got a 'better' one. Thinking like that is a shortcut to always being miserable, someone is always better off than you. If she really is rubbing your face in it it suggests she is insecure and therefore being competitive to feel superior.

Also, of course it could still be an heirloom. Most jewellery is worthless if it's not antique anyway? My mum's old engagement ring cost a couple of hundred quid from argos but is my most treasured possession.

Does your SIL even know how much your ring cost? Or how many carats the diamond is?

I don't know how many carats are in or how much my SIL's ring costs. It's her ring, bought my her DH. Nothing to do with me.

Maybe she's not trying to "run you down" but she's just over the top and full on about her ring, not even thinking about yours.

I also don't see how a ring bought online is any less special than one bought in a jewellers? Most people do their research online before buying things these days, so maybe he knew your size, saw "the ring" and got it straight away.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP.

Stop looking at what others have got and focus on what YOU have.

Think of the nice surprise it will be when you do finally get the upgrade probably when you don't expect it.

I bought our wedding rings online. Not sure what’s wrong with that.

I chose my ring myself and love it. My DH’s taste is very different to mine and he says he’s never have picked the ring I did. If I’m going to wear the ring forever then I want to love it aesthetically as well as what it symbolises.

But I still got green eyes when the guys in the office discussed rings. One had researched, designed and commissioned the perfect ring for his wife, the other was searching second hand shops for the perfect vintage ring. I’d love for DH to have done that and picked out the perfect ring, but realistically I know I’d have ended up with something clunky and traditional, which is not me at all.

there’s nothing wrong with cheap rings if you are happy with them, but the pressure to keep up with friends and family is strong

I understand but that's something you need to work on to find true contentment. What's the alternative? Spiralling debt to keep up with others?

Is that what you'd teach a child? To like a toy or a pet or clothing until a school friend has "better" and then to discard/hate something they had previously loved?

That way lies dissatisfaction, insecurity, debt, restlessness, damaged relationships.

Anyone who has to flaunt what they have over and over has got problems. You should pity them if you give them any headspace at all.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

I love my wedding and e rings but at the end of the honeymoon they came off and I haven't worn either since in 18 years. In reality they are here somewhere but I have no clue exactly where.

We know we're married. That's all really.

So go and buy a nice piece of jewellery? Then you can leave that as an heirloom. I don’t really wear my wedding and engagement rings either, I’m not sentimental and I just wear whatever I like. I often wear a random ring on my wedding finger because it looks nice and I feel like wearing it that day. Sometimes I wear no ring at all. It’s really not a big deal.