I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

YABU and v. Ungrateful

YABVU and ungrateful. Who cares what it cost, where it came from or how many diamonds it has? He chose it for you. That’s what matters.

@joystir59

Get divorced then you won't have to wear them any more

the cynicism !!

It's about the man and the relationship not the ring?

I don't have an engagement ring, we simply couldn't afford it and my wedding ring is nothing flashy. What matters is the absolute dedication dh has to us.

In 30 years time the rings might not fit you, but if you're lucky your dh will be by your side as you grow old together and that is worth more than any flashy bling.

I feel the opposite to most and would be disappointed if I didn’t like my ring too. I chose it which saved DH the effort, otherwise he’d buy something functional enough but not beautiful. He’s glad I chose it as it’s better than he’d have picked. Twelve years on and I love it still. It looks amazing despite not taking it off to do DIY or cleaning. I have cheap rings and they are uncomfortable and catch on fabric. Close up they look lower quality too. It’s not a deal breaker by any means, but it shows you have a mismatch in what it means to you.

Most people I know bought real diamonds and usually not tiny ones. I’m surprised how many on MN have and are happy with cheap rings - there’s nothing wrong with cheap rings if you are happy with them, but the pressure to keep up with friends and family is strong. Although an expensive ring I didn’t like would be disappointing too, maybe more so.

I feel the opposite to most and would be disappointed if I didn’t like my ring too.

Shastabeast Except that she did like it, until she found out how much it cost.

Your husband did care: he wanted to surprise you. He looked at rings online and ordered it.
All that stuff about rings needing to be diamond and cost a certain amount was started in the '30's by De Beers' diamond company.
Ask your SIL why she's bagging her brother to you. Tell her it's a shame she's bought an advertising campaign but you're not that materialistic.

www.uberkate.com.au/
www.milliesavage.com/collections/rings
And maybe buy something like one of these to have a laugh right back at your nasty SIL.

Some of these responses are really harsh. I see where you're coming from. We are led to believe that the engagement is the pinnacle of a relationship so far and are given the marketing that the ring is really important. But even putting that aside, for an item of jewellery that you ideally want to wear every single day of your life you kind of want something pretty.
My DH bought me a ring on our first Valentine's. He took a girl mate along to help him choose and that really took the shine off it for me. He thought it was encrusted with diamonds but it is one of those ones that has white metal bumpy bits with a full-stop sized diamond in the middle - he was quite disappointed when he realised.
Moving on in time, we bought his wedding ring from an artisan online and were really excited about its uniqueness. It's so square and uncomfortable he can't wear it.

My point is, we should have got something he is happy to wear every day and we do have regret about it, but it's hard to know what to do as we're married with that ring and the vicar blessed them.

In your shoes I would ask for an eternity ring for next big bday and help to choose. Alternatively you could get the engagement ring altered and get a new stone added.
Buying online is such a minefield and it's so so easy to be disappointed.

@Shastabeast

I feel the opposite to most and would be disappointed if I didn’t like my ring too. I chose it which saved DH the effort, otherwise he’d buy something functional enough but not beautiful. He’s glad I chose it as it’s better than he’d have picked. Twelve years on and I love it still. It looks amazing despite not taking it off to do DIY or cleaning. I have cheap rings and they are uncomfortable and catch on fabric. Close up they look lower quality too. It’s not a deal breaker by any means, but it shows you have a mismatch in what it means to you.

Most people I know bought real diamonds and usually not tiny ones. I’m surprised how many on MN have and are happy with cheap rings - there’s nothing wrong with cheap rings if you are happy with them, but the pressure to keep up with friends and family is strong. Although an expensive ring I didn’t like would be disappointing too, maybe more so.

It's a bit too late, don't you think? She is already married to him with the rings he given her. If she had a problem with it, she should have let him known years ago

I couldn’t get upset about it myself. I don’t have an engagement ring, was pointless as my work meant I would have had to take it off every day and no doubt it would have been lost sooner or later. I think wearing rings on a chain around the neck is odd as they are meant for fingers. I have a wedding band that is exceptionally plain and cheap, it was just for ceremony itself really, I had no plan to wear it afterwards taking it on and off so no point pissing money down the drain. Now I’m no longer in that direct line of work I wear rings and I wear my really really cheap wedding ring permanently no problems. I don’t look at it every day and think it’s terrible as it cost hardly anything. That would be incredibly shallow.

You're being daft, the cost of the ring is no reflection on the quality of the husband / marriage.

My engagement ring cost barely anything, but my husband is amazing and my rock.

Someone I know wears a couple of grand on her ring finger, and her husband cheats on her.

I know which I'd rather...

Married for 5 years

Happily?

When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with

It is still beautiful and it is the same ring With the same meaning.

I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit

How much diamond would need to be in it for you not to "feel like shit"?

What is wrong with buying online? Less intimidating than jewellers pushing a guy to spend two months" wages to "prove" their love.

. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).

Sounds like he DID surprise you and you were pleased and happy and accepted

My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring.

insecure? Overcompensating? Why the need to "go on about it"? That's just weird

I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'.

Could be to annoy you. In which case it seems to be working...because you are taking her too seriously

But that's not the issue

You are right that is not the issue. The issue is you've been happily (I hope) married for 5 years. Don't make your DSIL's weird behaviour your issue.

. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

Yet you used to love it and you accepted it? It's the same ring!!

I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless.

Nearly all jewellery is nearly worthless in monetary terms secondhand.

Heirlooms should be full of meaning. Like the ring your husband gave you when he proposed.

I know memories and love count for it etc.

They are all that really count

I love my DH but can't shake it off

I am glad you are still in love with your husband, if not the ring

. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

Could be. That is something for you to work on. Build up your self-esteem and stop caring about others who need to flaunt stuff.

I've asked for an upgrade

That must've been really hurtful for DH to hear?

but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery

You realise it will never be the same as he won't be proposing with the new one?

and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

You are right - it really does not matter!

Maybe I'm just being an idiot.

Maybe just a little

Do not fall into the trap of knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing. Do not confuse price with value.

The ring represents your husband loving you so much he wanted to propose and he found a ring that was beautiful that he could afford - THAT is its value and the price does not matter

I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

You do not know that it does not bother him. I am sure asking for an upgrade and discarding the Ring has bothered him deeply! A lot of men won't say much when they are hurt.

Don't be so sure he isn't hurt that you have cast aside his gift bought with love Because it is no longer "good enough".

If you want anything to show off to your DSIL how about putting your ring back on and reconnecting with your DH and showing her what a fantastic marriage you really have? One that doesn't depending on throwing ££££ around? ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Yanbu.

It’s your finger, you have to wear the ring everyday, you don’t like it. A woman’s finger is not colonised by her DH when she marries, you don’t have to keep wearing a ring you don’t like anymore.

I also don’t like my engagement ring so I only wear my wedding band. I’m sure DH would get me an upgrade if I wanted one but I’m not particularly bothered.

It is interesting that your sister-in-law is basically running her brother down?

this whole pantomime could just be a bit of sibling rivalry but you have been caught in the middle of!

This has made me feel so sad for your husband, my ring isn’t expensive but it’s the thought and what the ring shows! Not how much it’s worth!

I don't even have an engagement ring as I told my husband I didn't want one so this probably makes it harder for me to understand the problem here

Before you realised that it didn't have many diamonds, did you think that the ring was your style? I think there's a world of difference here between your husband looking online for a ring he thought you'd like and that was in budget and him spending 5 minutes choosing something that would be the complete opposite of your style even if it had as many diamonds as you wanted. Maybe he felt intimidated walking into a jewellers, especially if he didn't have what a jeweller would call a generous budget and he thought buying online was the best option. If he generally does his best for you and in the marriage I would be inclined to believe that the same is probably true here as well.

If I were you I would apologise for asking for an "upgrade" and purpose to try and focus on your own marriage as opposed to what your SIL and her husband are doing. Once you let yourself get sucked in to comparing yourselves to other people it's very difficult to stop at just the one thing and it won't do you any good.

It sounds like you have people around you who place value on material things as evidence of a good relationship and/or success.

I sympathise with how difficult this can make it to hold on to your own values. My DSIL really focussed on having a big flash house. And my PILs talk a lot about renovation etc I find it hard not to dragged into a competitive swirl over what is in the end a pile of bricks.

As pp have said, focus on quality of your relationship and think about what you could do yourself to solve situation - save up or go for promotion at work? Then you could buy your own special piece.

As a person who doesn't wear even a wedding band, I think YABU.

If it was a hideously ugly piece you felt obliged to wear, that would be understandable, maybe. Otherwise it's just a thing, it's symbolic/sentimental value should be what counts. You sound envious of your SIL...

I decided you were being unreasonable by the end of the second sentence. You badly need to reevaluate your priorities.

I love DH and need to remember that although it may not cost the earth he never says no to me and he spoils me on other things.

He never says no to you and spoils you? Sorry op but this makes you sound about 6.

How lovely it must be for you husband to know your wedding ring is "worthless"

I always see my rings as a token.

Does it matter that it was ordered online? It's easy and there is a huge choice. As for the materials used, maybe he had a certain budget? Precious metals are expensive at the moment.

Look at the man and remind yourself why you married him. If materialistic things matter to you more, maybe its time to move on, or get a better paid job job for yourself! Because you will always have that nagging feeling.

If you want an upgrade then save for it. I understand how you feel because I was disappointed my engagement wasn't the big thing I'd expected. I also didn't like the ring my partner proposed with but I told him and we returned it and got one I picked. I would have said something earlier, but if it's still bothering you just buy a replacement when you can afford it.

Don't let your sil get to you. So her husband supposedly put in more effort picking a ring - that doesn't mean he loves her more or they have a better marriage. Some men just don't 'get' the proposal/ring issue but that doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you. Do you always pick the perfect gifts for him? Focus on your marriage more than the ring, but it's just jewellery and you should get something you'd be happier wearing.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-27371208 Spending lots of money on a diamond engagement ring is a hugely successful advertising campaign, as someone referenced above.

Glad you’ve decided to try and get over this. It really is the right thing to do.

I think it’s pretty clear this is about the relationship, not necessarily the rings.