I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

So you loved it when you thought it was worth a load of money but hate it since you found out it only has a little bit of diamond?

My favourite favourite things that's been passed to me is a blanket my grandma crocheted me from her old jumpers. It's worth fuck all but it's very cherished and my daughter cherishes it now too. Jewellery doesn't have to be cherished or expensive to be passed down either. If expensive rings are what you feel shows love then treat yourself and buy your own. Nothing wrong with self love every now and then.

My own wedding ring cost £60 and engagement ring cost £120. I know he loves me and is committed to me based on how he's treat me everyday for the last 20 years and someone else banging on about diamonds and how he must not care enough about me would be told to go swivel.

Your husband probably isnt asking why you're not wearing it because in asking for an upgrade you've implied you've spent the years lying about liking it, if you've told him it feels like a lack of effort he could be hurt and wondering what other gifts you've pretended to like while really hating and thinking he hasn't spent enough. You've basically told him it's not good enough or that he's not good enough cos he can't afford expensive shit.

Pawn it and buy yourself a nice frock from Primark when they reopen .

I wouldn't want to wear a piece of jewellery (or anything else) I didn't like or thought was ugly. The small size of the diamond or lack of material value wouldn't bother me as much as an apparent lack of effort. Buying an engagement ring online before covid smacks of laziness.

I don’t think it’s “wrong” to want a different ring(s), but it’s not something to get obsessed about, Rings are just martial symbols it’s your relationship that counts. My Mum paid for my inexpensive, second-hand engagement ring, because we were young and broke! It was so kind of her to offer as DH really couldn’t afford one. We jointly paid for plain wedding rings and went to precisely one shop, because we don’t enjoy shopping!

On our 14th anniversary ( many, many pay cheques later), DH presented me with a gorgeous eternity ring. I joke that being a frugal sort, he waited to make sure things worked out before spending his money.🤣.

Enjoy being together and if you’d still like a new ring when it’s financially possible, great. But don’t get upset about it, being happy is the important thing.💐

• marital not martial.😂

I wonder if you are focussing how you feel about your marriage more generally onto your rings, which are, of course, a symbol of your marriage. You say that he wouldn’t care if you weren’t wearing your rings at all. You sound as though you feel unheard, disregarded and devalued perhaps?

So you were only upset when you found out it was lower value than you thought?

And you don’t have enough money to buy the kind you would like? But you think it’s still justifiable that you should have had a more expensive one?

I’m guessing the rings came as a set.

You liked how it looked regardless of the diamonds and costs. That’s it. End of.

@remaininlight

I wouldn't want to wear a piece of jewellery (or anything else) I didn't like or thought was ugly. The small size of the diamond or lack of material value wouldn't bother me as much as an apparent lack of effort. Buying an engagement ring online before covid smacks of laziness.

I don't think it smacks of laziness. My husband bought my engagement ring online as he hates going into shops and would've found the whole thing awkward. He hated going wedding ring shopping with me so I can only imagine how painful it'd have been for him to go shopping alone!

You've had a pounding op but I sort of get you. You're equating the value of the ring with how he feels about you which isn't necessarily right. Some men just don't get jewellery or see the bigger picture of why it would be important to you that he put some thought into it. I think the value does matter in a way because it means he's saved money and sacrificed things he wants to buy to get something nice for you. So I can totally see why you'd be upset if he could have afforded a better ring but just got you a cheap one. If money is very tight then I think it's a bit different. Luckily I am not married so never had to deal with this minefield 😀 I did ask for a ring for my fortieth though as I like jewellery and my partner went to Hatton garden to get an antique ruby ring. I don't think it's worth lots really but I love it because he put some effort into choosing it for me and going to get it.

Thank you all for the responses. Good and the ugly. I appreciate it. I know all of this, it's just that tiny shitty side of my made me feel like this. I cannot complain on anything else and nitpicking where there is no need to. I love DH and need to remember that although it may not cost the earth he never says no to me and he spoils me on other things. I will learn to love the ring again. Haven't worn it in a while so maybe negativity came my way as I've lost touch with it. Thanks again all.

You are ungrateful and really quite shallow

I am going to say yanbu, so long as you don't bring it up to your DH. A ring is something you look at often so you want it to be to your taste. If it isn't, it doesn't mean you hate your DH, just that it isn't quite your style. Why not start looking in to what ring you would like?

Don't make it in to more than it is though. Don't worry about passing it on as an heirloom for example. Second hand diamonds aren't worth much if anything even if they are a decent size, and as for your dc wearing it, it won't be in fashion in the future.

Is your SIL his DS?

@MarieFromStTropez

Is your SIL his DS?

Yes

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse

You've had a pounding op but I sort of get you. You're equating the value of the ring with how he feels about you which isn't necessarily right. Some men just don't get jewellery or see the bigger picture of why it would be important to you that he put some thought into it. I think the value does matter in a way because it means he's saved money and sacrificed things he wants to buy to get something nice for you. So I can totally see why you'd be upset if he could have afforded a better ring but just got you a cheap one. If money is very tight then I think it's a bit different. Luckily I am not married so never had to deal with this minefield 😀 I did ask for a ring for my fortieth though as I like jewellery and my partner went to Hatton garden to get an antique ruby ring. I don't think it's worth lots really but I love it because he put some effort into choosing it for me and going to get it.

I agree with all of this.... it's about the thought and planning that goes into it.

I'm also not married but my bf does put a lot of thought into jewelry and will do his research. Not that he buys me a lot but at Christmas for example. He's far from perfect (as am I)! but he prides himself on this and I appreciate that he puts the effort in.

Having said that, it's been a few years so I wouldn't obsess so much over the effort he made back then and let him know you would like him to get you something carefully chosen for the next birthday or your Christmas present?

@tiredtimes100 That figures. It is really horrible of her to rub your face in it when she has an expensive ring and you don't. You see a lot of posts about nasty, competitive SILs on here.

I didn't "love" my wedding ring. It didn't match my engagement ring, not to my taste, but DH picked the wedding rings as one of his contributions to the wedding planning. He had them engraved with a funny matching message. Came from online. Mine didn't fit well, however I wore it as it was the ring he'd given me on our wedding day. It stopped fitting completely when I was pregnant, so stopped wearing it. After DD was born I started wearing it on another finger and it was too loose. At some point I lost it and I was absolutely distraught! My DM said we should replace it but I couldn't bring myself to. Months went by and it actually showed up and I was so happy to see this ring that I'd not liked. Honestly when I lost it I realised it wasn't about the ring it was about what it represented. So try not to lose sight of what's important!

He's not fussed. You're not fussed. So go and buy an engagement ring you like. 30 years ago I chose my own engagement ring and I really loved it at the time but 30 years on - it didn't fit, was too small and it was unlikely that it would ever fit again
So me and DH went to a jewellers and sold it. We upgraded to something that fits
It's just stuff. Don't feel ungrateful OP - be honest. Talk to your DH and if he's anything like mine he will be more than happy to replace it for something else.
But I have to say I still wear my wedding ring which hasn't left my finger - since the day he put it there on our wedding day. We aren't sentimental types and it is worth very little in money (it only cost £20 when new) but I draw the line here and that is the one ring I will never trade in. nothing to do with the fact that I can't get it off

My ring cost £10 from Argos 27 years ago, we share a birthstone and that was what the gem was. I loved it because he chose it, things were really tight money wise and that ring was given with love. It no longer fits and he replaced it with better but I will never be parted from the little ring, it was the sentiment not the £ value.
I lost my original wedding ring in the sea, a year after we married, was heartbroken, again not an expensive ring and he has replaced it, but it doesn’t feel the same.
I now also have a beautiful eternity ring that he bought after saving for years. Again he chose it, I love it for that reason alone

Get divorced then you won't have to wear them any more

@joystir59

Get divorced then you won't have to wear them any more

Really? You'd get divorced over a piece of metal?

I was kidding. And you got my point, it is just metal, your value is elsewhere

@Blueberries0112

I was kidding. And you got my point, it is just metal, your value is elsewhere

Ah nm, it's someone else's post but it still applies

Some people are also very solution-oriented and once they’ve decided something needs to be purchased, it’s a quick browse, click and buy. Or a visit to one shop, find something they like, done!

I remember a colleague telling me how they’d gone to multiple jewelers to find the right stones for her engagement ring, then it was custom made, etc. Aside from wondering what eye-watering price he paid, I honestly thought “how boring” that they spent all that time choosing a ring. It wouldn’t interest DH and I at all.

Your BIL is a different personality to your DH and he takes more time browsing/thinking about gifts. It doesn’t mean your DH loves you less if he’s a fast shopper.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. When you first saw the ring you must have felt special but then some of that rubbed off when you realised he hadn’t spent much on it or seemingly put much effort into buying it. It gives the impression that he didn’t value you or your taste much despite knowing you would be wearing it every day for years to come. I don’t think money is necessarily what you need to focus on for the new ring but time and attention. A custom design would be a good idea, or if that is out of budget, pick some ideas of what you like and then spend time together finding something similar.