I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

If people really didn't care about their rings, why do they even bother?

People care because it’s a symbol of love and commitment, not because it has a big enough diamond in it.

@Gifgif

I think the problem is with the SIL, not the ring. I suspect her marriage/life isn't as happy as she'd like you to believe or she wouldn't be so unpleasant. She's either very stupid insensitive or a nasty, competitive person. Is she always so passive aggressive in making you feel bad?

I’d think the opposite, she will have noticed the op doesn’t wear her ring, and likely finds it a bit cunty, she’s married to her brother after all, so she’s probably giving her a little kick every now ans again because she really doesn’t like how the op is behaving, refusing to wear her ring because it’s not big enough for her.

I don’t think YABU, this is something you will wear forever and I think it is important to like it. Sometimes when myself and DH row afterwards I look at my ring and I remember how much he loves me. It’s maybe not important to everyone but it is to me. I made sure I’d like though it by picking it out together. I don’t think the cost matters much, it’s not like you want to start off married life in debt but I can see why u are so hurt by the lack of thought. I don’t think ur wrong either to tell him you don’t like it, allot of couples upgrade their ring later in life when they have more money. So don’t let the haters effect u.
Perfect chance now to wait until ye are financially better off and push for renewing your vows - with a new ring.

Some people's love language is gift giving and recieving. You're being very very harsh to the Op.

Buy yourself something that you like!

Have you read the love languages book? Your DH may not be great with gifts but I'm sure he expresses his love for you in other ways.

I’m not sure I could wear a ring I hated every day. I love my engagement and wedding rings- BUT I wouldn’t stop loving them if I found out their value, and it was less than I expected. Sounds like that’s what happened to you, OP?

I'm surprised your DP hasn't asked for an "upgrade " TBH. Shallow and materialistic people are the kind I don't like.

A friend of mine. Has something ridiculous. Like a 6 carat pear diamond. With 24 carat gold. And it cost over 100k (don't quite me on the diamond size though. I might be way off) it then had diamonds around the pear. Which made it even bigger.

It looks so big it's look horrific. Out of a xmas cracker type ring. She got divorced very quickly and subsequently it got lost on a beach!

Honestly. Sometimes the big rings are awful. Another friend has an engagement ring that cost more than her husbands Ferrari! But this is slightly more tasteful. However I worry these woman are going to get their fingers chopped off down a dark alley and have never understood the wanting to wear a very big expensive diamond ring (though I do love a big flashy ring!) one walk down Hatton gardens and it frightened the life out of me! Lols

ok - when I was married (now not) I got a stunning ring - but I knew e.g. that I don't like huge rocks and also am quite picky re style - so I sort of hinted to ex-DH about this beforehand and he took me to choose one. Call me picky but he wanted me to be happy. Turned out a cluster ring with my birthstone (sapphire) was near what he would've chosen anyway.

My DSIL's SIL (brother's wife's SIL) wasn't happy with her e-ring and bought an upgrade (bigger and better) from Liberty which SIL wasn't impressed with but I actually thought (as she paid the upgrade) if she wasn't happy then what's wrong with that?

If you really want to change it then do. You wear it every day.

However, after 10 years I would be looking at the bigger picture of your marriage and if you were happy in it.

@Happyheartlovelife

A friend of mine. Has something ridiculous. Like a 6 carat pear diamond. With 24 carat gold. And it cost over 100k (don't quite me on the diamond size though. I might be way off) it then had diamonds around the pear. Which made it even bigger.

It looks so big it's look horrific. Out of a xmas cracker type ring. She got divorced very quickly and subsequently it got lost on a beach!

Honestly. Sometimes the big rings are awful. Another friend has an engagement ring that cost more than her husbands Ferrari! But this is slightly more tasteful. However I worry these woman are going to get their fingers chopped off down a dark alley and have never understood the wanting to wear a very big expensive diamond ring (though I do love a big flashy ring!) one walk down Hatton gardens and it frightened the life out of me! Lols

100K I see as a real waste and yes for a lot of people it's a real target for muggers.

Lots of people love having huge rocks though - have noticed Americans are big into big flashy rings.

@CounsellorTroi

What is a promise ring? Never heard of it before.

Promise rings are often mocked (even seen that here) because some people see it as something bought to keep a GF quiet rather than marry her.

My ex-fiance from a long time ago, he was with an ex-GF who had his child and after she fell pregnant got her a promise ring, they split up about a year later, he confided in me (not sure how true this is) that she trapped him into getting pregnant .

Move on! If you don't like it buy yourself another one. Not

Also how much do you spoil your DH and what did you get him as an engagement gift?

This thread is hilarious with all the cheap rings and the cries of 'but it just shows how much he loves me'....it's making me laugh!

OP I think you're getting a very hard time. Can I ask if you ever talked about rings / proposals before your dh gave you the ring? Did he know what sort of ring you might like? Did you point out rings in windows / other people / online / magazines etc?

I adore my husband and we have a really good marriage and have been married 17 years now. I was in my early 30's when we got engaged and I knew that if I was ever to wear an engagement / wedding ring it would have to be a good quality one and one that I loved. I love jewellery, really value it and work in a creative sector so have a huge interest in it

My dh listened and understood and we discussed it and looked at some rings in various jewellers windows etc. Then he used all of this information and commissioned a ring which was perfect and I love it and adore it and admire it every time I wear it all these years later.

I would not have been happy with a €20 ring and that's being honest. I love diamonds - I love the look of them and I love wearing them.

OP if you thought that your husband HAD listened to you and had out effort into finding the perfect ring for you and even if it was not exactly what you had imagined but you still thought he'd gone to the effort it would probably be fine. But when you found out he ordered it online and it was potentially chosen because it was the cheapest one he could find as opposed to he thought it was the most beautiful ring and the one you would love the most....that stings - I get it.

There was a previous poster who said her husband moaned and groaned the entire time they were ring shopping...there would have been no wedding if that had happened to me!

Life is hard and you have to be able to celebrate and cherish the most meaningful things with your partner and trust that they really do want the best for you and vice versa.

We've been through a lot of personal bereavement in our years together and those rings (and memories of those early years) mean the world.

I think you need to speak to your dh and tell him how you're feeling because it will eat you up inside otherwise

And I think your SIL is unkind and pretty immature

I don’t ever expect presents and things but I did expect and want a wedding and engagement ring I’d like. DH took me to a jeweller and had my rings made to my spec. Was really lovely and a build up to the wedding.

Find what you’d like to wear, visit small local jewellers they tend to do good deals and get rings you’re like to wear.

As far as I’m concerned I’m wearing these rings forever, I want to love them. And what everyone else is happy with is nothing to do with me, I wanted my rings in the metal with the stones I have.

I agree @caperplips I’m not materialistic in the slightest but I would’ve felt a bit offended if I was handed a £20 ring from Argos.
I can’t imagine it would remain in ok condition. I wouldn’t snoot my nose at one as a gift in general but wouldn’t deem it appropriate for something so important.
I know everyone has different opinions on this though, so I’m not bashing.
But I don’t think people should bash OP for her wanting an upgrade either.

It was important for me that my jewellery can be passed to my daughter when I’m not around to enjoy it anymore.

I can somewhat understand your sentiment about the ring. It's not so much about the cost of the ring but more the lack of effort and sacrifice that went into the buying of the ring 'it'll do the job' etc sort of thing. You now feel he did not put any special thought or effort into the process.

My now fortunately ex took me to only 3 shops and when I could not find one grabbed me out and in my face snapped at me to just pick a ring he was fed up. Icing on the cake was I actually even ended up having to pay for it myself.

With my current fiancé it was just such a stark contrast where he spend 2 years trying to figure out what ring I would like etc. It's the effort he went into that really made me feel cherished and appreciated. It showed me he loved me enough to put effort into making me happy

I understand the wanting to pass the ring to dc too. Mine will be given to our dd when I can no longer wear it. We had both of our wedding rings made by the same jeweller and I really enjoyed that part as I got to meet him and discuss what I wanted etc where as dh did all that alone for the engagement ring.

We were in that city (not where we live) on our first wedding anniversary and called into the jewellers and he insisted on checking my rings over, checked the setting on the diamond (tension setting) and cleaned them both.

There’s a huge spectrum, between a £20 ring from Argos and a bespoke ring crafted by artisan angels in fairy gold. Mine were definitely not at the expensive end but I chose them myself and they’re designed to last a life time. I wear my mum’s wedding ring all the time which is now 70 years old. Knowing my dad, I don’t imagine it cost a lot.

When I read the title of the post I was thinking this would be an ungrateful post, but after reading I understand why you feel the way you do. He put 0 thought into it. I think you should force him to take you to a shop and buy a new ring, otherwise, it’ll bother you forever.

I've not looked at my engagement ring for years it sits in a box somewhere, not because of how it looks just don't see the need to wear it. Mines was a cheap one, and I'm still with the same man years later, 2 children and we have our own home and never thought about the ring, to me don't need to wear it to prove anything. It's not the ring or how much it costs, it's the effort you put into the relationship to keep it together that matters. To me a rings a ring, whether it could cost 100 pounds or 10000 but eventually the ring loses its sparkle and just a thing you own.

Ahh, this is the engagement ring version of "who can have the cheapest wedding" thread.....
I didn't have an engagement ring because I was going through an edgy and trendy phase and thought it was something that ordinary people did. Bah, I was wrong. As a complete jewellery obsessive I soon realised I cheated myself out of the chance to buy a nice ring that symbolised a special time in my life....and that's what an engagement ring does.

I like to mark special times in my life with jewellery....not always expensive, just something that I will keep that reminds me of a particular time of my life. Like the Diana Porter sibyl I bought myself when my mother died (and I finalyl felt free).
We had out 15th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago and for that my husband is buying me an engagement ring. The aim was to renew our vows and wear it after that, but covid - so the ceremony is being put back (I was also too cool and edgy to have a traditional wedding but that's another thread).

I love my husband to bits, but he doesn't get jewellery and doesn't understand why it is important to me. So I'm shopping online with my adopted daughter (who of course has an ulterior motive). We're enjoying doing our research and we have a shortlist of rings that we both love - all very different to what we thought when we started looking and we're both very excited about choosing and buying the one we love. All my husband has to do is hand over his credit card!

@Leannethom85 it's not the cost itself but his complete lack of effort in the whole thing

@Userzzz how do you know he put no thought into it?!

You can do a lot of research online.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I would hate it if my DH had bought me a cheap ring off the internet. That doesn't mean I love my husband any less than all of you saying it's the meaning and thought that counts. I have to wear it every day and I wanted something that I liked and yes I wanted something expensive.