I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Perhaps he does look like Bilbo Baggies. My partner isn’t Brad Pitt either. And you, are you angelina jolie?

@SwimmingOnEggshells exactly!

no you’re not OP and it’s probably pretty obvious, and your Ford of your friends probably think you’re a bit of a c*nt and have probably stopped telling you things. Likewise at work.

What the OP is posting about is COMPLETELY different to being glad when something bad happens to someone who has been vile to you (completely understandable) or because you’re under serious psychological pressure like @GrumpyHoonMain

OP is just dissatisfied with her own life, I know 3 people like this, one I potentially have to let her off as she had an odd childhood so this could be the reason but she’s so mean and bitter it’s difficult sometimes, the others are just sad and fat - I feel sorry for them.

@Ahorsecalledseptember see in if the believe that the pressure to move on and get over trauma actually exacerbates that trauma. I've had people tell me to move on, get over it and even openly forgive my rapist. No, I won't, I'm entitled to my anger and I am under no obligation to move on, nor will my life be richer in any way if I do.

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Perhaps he does look like Bilbo Baggies. My partner isn’t Brad Pitt either. And you, are you angelina jolie?

No, but I'm not calling myself "gorge" on social media either.

Luckily, we don't have a screen in our foreheads that displays our thoughts so what is in your head hurts nobody (except you). Your thoughts are exactly that. Thoughts.

won't lie, it made me feel a bit happy 🙊 I mean I hope they're ok and everything but I think it's a sign of the times, all the social media fakery is annoying and obvious in equal measure! I'm not proud of the fact I felt happy - but I can't help how feel and I figure as long as I'm not going up to them saying "Ha, gotcha, what happened to #familyforever" then it's fine.

I don’t think it’s terrible to have unkind feelings towards someone unkind/insensitive at times. When someone is flaunting their personal life in a way to stir up insecurities and feel superior then Ofcourse they’re just asking to stir up insecurities and jealousy in others.. I think some people thrive on other people’s insecurities and so they’re risking harbouring those feelings around them from time to time and I do think this is completely human.

But for me this is a call that I need to make changes to my social boundaries so that I don’t have to make those thoughts define my interactions towards most people.

I think the op has let herself go to a point it’s become out of her hand and so she needs to step back and help her own sense of content for her own sake before anyone else.

It’s a sign she has let this bitterness overwhelm her, and while excusable at times, but she clearly lost control over that and needs to make some changes..

I think the ability to forgive people who have abused you or put you down is another level of emotional freedom that’s is not easy and so the contrary is normal.. but to have that directed at people who are innocent is a projection of the OPs own unhappiness and she shouldn’t accept to live with that.

Clearly she isn’t comfortable with those thoughts. I don’t think we should normalise those thoughts.

But I think it’s ok for op to know that if these feelings are transient... and not always been the case.. then it’s situational and that she is feeling vulnerable and to be gentle with herself and identity those insecurities and not force herself to live with these intrusive thoughts but actually try manage them

Of course not, but that hurts no one but you. I don’t think forgiveness is necessary. I do think however there has to come a point where there is a choice between moving on with your life or not.

Fucking hell this thread is a big eye opener.... and I thought I had a bit of a mean streak.
I’ve never wished harm or been pleased someone is having a bag time, although I will admit to a bit of a smug ‘I told you so’ feeling at work when someone has gone against advice or something.

I know that posters are just being honest but I agree that this thread is depressing.
I understand these feelings if someone has hurt or wronged someone. However, wishing bad things for innocent people is just wrong.
This is why I don’t tell certain people any good news about myself eg house buying, or a new job until I actually have it . I don’t want negative energy around me.
The sad truth is that many people don’t wish well for others.

You see you take that at face value glummy but to me, I tend to think the people we love are gorgeous, if only to us. I’m due to give birth in just over a month. I’m a pretty unremarkable looking woman and will probably have a perfectly unremarkable looking baby who will of course be gorgeous to me because I’m his doting mum - would you sneer st me for writing how much I loved my beautiful baby on Instagram because in reality he’s a bit bald and red and Winston Churchill looking? And you wouldn’t think that mean?

would you sneer st me for writing how much I loved my beautiful baby on Instagram because in reality he’s a bit bald and red and Winston Churchill looking? And you wouldn’t think that mean?

Either you're being obtuse now or you're confusing "when someone gets their commupance/fakery is revealed" with "I'm going to make fun of everyone who has a happy thought". Of course it's fine to say you love your child - utterly different to someone rubbing their "I'm so much better than you" attitude in people's faces (especially during a pandemic when so many people are struggling and having a shit time).

And you most definitely will think your baby is the most gorgeous baby ever! I remember looking around the ward and feeling sorry for the other mums as their babies weren't as beautiful as mine 🤣 when I look back on pictures I know it was the new mum hormones as DD looked like a jacket potato that someone had stepped on

Ahorsecalledseptember

I’m gonna be a devils advocate here and say that to post things like that publically is incredibally naive of the reality of many women if you were the type that posts minute details about your personal life which isn’t directed necessarily at people who can relate to your joy then it’s As if you don’t acknowledge other people’s pain and so other people don’t feel the need to acknowledge yours which might be the reason you lean towards this form of announcements - gaining acknowledgement.

I do think posting about ur lovely baby once in a while is lovely and those who feel pain can scroll through and acknowledge their own experience.. but if it’s something consistent like glumly described then I personally would step away from that friendship for as long as I would need to feel cool with the insensitivity of the way the information is being shared.

I do think both sides need to have empathy else someone needs to step back and process their own thoughts and that’s fair to have

I'm happy when good things happen to good people.

I've wished bad things on people who've treated me like dirt over the years. Even occasionally plotted revenge in my darkest moments (not that I'd ever go through with it!).

Why. Why does it remotely matter how someone else describes their life on social media?

I sometimes find acquaintances and friends’ posts unintentionally hilarious, ironic or eye rolly, but I cannot imagine sneering at my phone because of someone’s ‘gorge’ husband and then laughing at their argument? What sort of a sad life is that?

I don't think you're an arsehole.
To an extent this is natural, particularly if someone has wronged you.
The fact that you're questioning it and recognising it suggests to me that you're basically a good person.

Why. Why does it remotely matter how someone else describes their life on social media?

Because someone telling you in person how amazing their life is, how gorgeous their husband is, how they're such a happy family - when clearly they're not - would be considered fake and odd. Social media is no different. People like the school mum do it with the sole purpose of so many social media users - to say to other people "I'm having a better time/am a happier person/have a better life, than you".

I know on MN everybody professes to be super nice and that they never ever find anyone annoying or have a bad thought, but IRL schadenfraude is normal, common and spoken about between friends. Not the sad little life the Uber righteous would have you believe

I certainly wouldn't make friends with you. Feeling secretly pleased at your school bully is understandable, but strangers you don't know or your friends, nope. Although you knew all along that you would get responses like this, didn't you? I suspect you posted it because it gave you a bit of a thrill in a strange way.

Life's too short for unsupportive, jealous, petty 'friends' who celebrate your failures, pull you down into their misery and indulge in schadenfreude (look it up)

Ahorsecalledseptember

Because many people go on social media to bring joy and feel better about their lives.

And constantly being reminded of what you’re missing out on, can sometimes get to you.. not always, but sometimes.

That’s why I make sure my social media posts, if personal, are targeted at people who have the capacity to be happy for me without being clouded by their own hurtful events.

I find posting about personal life a bit careless of that and very self centred and lacking in empathy.

However what you described about posting about your baby, is fine! Totally normal to want to share the joy. But I think posts like this should act as an eye opener that some people struggle with comparisons in their weak moments, and that it’s normal and human, and that if you aim to be sensible I think it’s best to regulate how often these gushy posts are shared.

It’s not wrong to share but I think over sharing in a non directed way is basically putting your need to acknowledge your joy over the need of so many others who go to social media to escape their current pains. Which to me isn’t thoughtful.

Both behaviours are normal and both behaviours require empathy to be regulated a bit I think

The only not very nice people are those on this thread are those who sit in judgement on people's thoughts.

I thought only the Catholic Church said this, with their insistence on the capacity to sin in thought word and deed.

The OP and others have been frank about what they see as a side of themselves that they feel badly about. It's heartening to see the majority of posters are generous and perceptive in their responses.

@areyoubeingserviced

I know that posters are just being honest but I agree that this thread is depressing. I understand these feelings if someone has hurt or wronged someone. However, wishing bad things for innocent people is just wrong. This is why I don’t tell certain people any good news about myself eg house buying, or a new job until I actually have it . I don’t want negative energy around me. The sad truth is that many people don’t wish well for others.

Yep. A friend if mine took a while to build up the trust to show me her house (which is awesome and looks like it should be featured in an interiors magazine). She's used to snide or jealous remarks from 'friends'.

Sadly where I'm from we have a saying loosely translated to
'your own happiness is good, but other's misfortunes are almost as good'.

It's human, but not nice. Totally understandable if you have been seriously wronged, but if it is your general state of mind not being able to feel joy for other's unless you do better than them, you really are not nice and probably quite miserable, since you need to define yourself based on other's misfortune. (and I know people like this, you do spot them, even though they don't think so).

I totally identify with this! And I can’t tell anyone IRL because everyone thinks I’m nice. I’m really not. I find myself competing with others in my head, my husband says I suffer from “irrelevant competitiveness” but he doesn’t know how deep it runs. Yeah I know that comparison is the thief of joy blah blah but I want to have the best life of anyone!

I sometimes feel a bit pleased if someone at work does something wrong or gets pulled up for something they've not done. I think it makes me feel more secure that I would never be questioned because I'm trustworthy and can be relied on. I also like to gossip to a very select number of people for the same reason.

I don't know why I feel the need to be like this, I want everyone to like me and trust me and know they can rely on me and I'm always the hero. There's obviously unresolved issues simmering somewhere.

It's something I'm currently trying to figure out.

@Dongdingdong

ignore the awful PP - this feeling is really common and completely understandable.

@GlummyMcGlummerson you think it’s “really common” to wish for a stranger to lose their baby? It really isn’t and if you genuinely think that it is then you need help.

According to my counsellor (referred by the fertility clinic) it is very common for women who have experienced multiple losses and fertility issues for as long as I did to have intrusive thoughts. It was part and parcel of my pna diagnosis.

But your ignorant comment is okay I guess as you probably haven’t experienced even a quarter of my problems.