I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Sounds like jealously. Unfortunately, most people are like this.

Are most people really like this? I think this thread has opened my eyes. Would most people really be pleased if their friend didn't get a house they wanted? Or happy that someone's house is a tip?

@Krazynights34

I’m terrible by your standards!!! I actually wish serious harm on people who’ve abused me.

Me too!

I wanted Donald Trump to get incapacitated, ventilated and suffer from Long covid.
I want Boris Johnson to suffer huge public humiliation and be kicked out of office and live in poverty in a slum next door to Dominic Cummings.
That's not very nice either.

Sounds so miserable and draining to be honest. I think you need to start working on yourself and stop waiting for shit things to happen to others to get your happiness. Find it elsewhere.

Why is everyone assuming the OP is miserable or lacks self confidence? I'm like the OP deceived and I am neither

@GlummyMcGlummerson
me too and then I feel bad because I know how bad the sleep deprivation is!

I will never forget walking through town and seeing the utter bitch that made mine and my sisters (and many other girls) lives a misery. She was very violent and in a lot of trouble with the police. I had a moment where that fear at seeing her came flooding back and I almost crossed over as 20 years younger me would have done. But I didnt.

She was at the bus stop in the rain with 4 kids who were moaning and I heard her say "No, we cant get a taxi, I cant afford it". And as I got into my car I will not deny I felt so fucking happy. I rang my sister and she felt the same!

Well, my very recent ex GF made a point of rubbing my nose in it about her new GF. She kept making excuses to text me, then she’d very casually not casually drop in what her new GF had bought her, how wonderful she is etc. I would be secretly satisfied if she got dumped, or the new GF turned out to be a right cow. Not because I want my ex to get hurt, but because she’d deserve it for wanting to make me feel like shit. It would wipe the smile right off her face. I don’t think it makes me a bad person, it just makes me a normal person who doesn’t like having my nose rubbed in it when I’m still getting over a break up. I think you’re a perfectly normal person who doesn’t like being belittled by your friend for not being able to drive OP, so don’t worry.

It's such a common emotion that the Germans even have a word for it, schadenfreud (joy at others' misfortune).

So long as you're not starting to feel nasty towards people who are perfectly nice but just luckier than you, and so long as you're not acting on the feelings, you're okay.

Though from the sound of it, feeling this way is making you feel bad about yourself, so you might want to look into ways of letting those feelings go, for your own sake.

@BrokenNotDead
I’ve experienced similar situations where people, including family have treated me badly. Those people simply do not feature in my life anymore or I keep my distance.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Also I think you're probably in denial if you take pleasure in others misfortunes but still think you're a happy, confident person tbh.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Why is everyone assuming the OP is miserable or lacks self confidence? I'm like the OP deceived and I am neither

I just think that I’ve noticed that often people who are more negative about other when they feel bad about themselves. I feel like this is true for me anyhow but obviously that doesn’t mean it can be generalised to everyone.

During the worst of my fertility struggles I was really happy when family and close friends got pregnant but wishing miscarriages on anyone else. I would ignore pregnant colleagues. If I saw a pregnant stranger I would wish she lost the baby. It was really, really uncharacteristic stuff and only hurt me because I felt so guilty for these thoughts. They didn’t even go away when I eventually did fall pregnant or had a baby.

Watch you don’t end up like Mrs Twit. And yes it’s because your unhappy. My cousin is exactly the same. She is very ‘sour’...

I also think it's different to feel satisfaction that someone who has abused you for example has gotten their comeuppance compared to being happy about a friend failing a test, losing out on a house they wanted etc.

@GrumpyHoonMain

During the worst of my fertility struggles I was really happy when family and close friends got pregnant but wishing miscarriages on anyone else. I would ignore pregnant colleagues. If I saw a pregnant stranger I would wish she lost the baby. It was really, really uncharacteristic stuff and only hurt me because I felt so guilty for these thoughts. They didn’t even go away when I eventually did fall pregnant or had a baby.

Yeah that fucking horrible. You need some kind of therapy.

This thread is depressing.

Are people actually like this?

I genuinely have never wished harm on anyone in my life. Even people who have actually done serious damage to me.

The closest I’ve come is hoping Trump loses the election...and even that is not personal.

What you think doesn't matter as much as what you do. As long as you treat people politely or kindly you're fine.

The fact you acknowledge these aren't kind thoughts to have shows you have the self awareness to understand how your actions can impact others and that you care about that, which makes you an alright person in my book.

I have a bit of this. It's low self esteem I think. Makes me feel better if something doesn't work out for someone else. I have this feeling all the time that people think they're better than me and better at life than me, and if something happens then that means they're not (like house falling through). But I really don't feel it for serious things like illness or loss, it's more for material things like houses, promotions etc.

My XH is a truly unpleasant person. He was incredibly jealous of people who have money and big houses. He thought he was entitled to what they have, even though he’s never down anything to earn it. I remember one day we were watching the local news and there was a story of a 5 year old girl who’d had meningitis and had to have her hands and feet amputated as a result, a little kid. All my ex could say was, ‘look at that house, they’re loaded. Fucking bastards, serves them right.’ That is what being a horrible person looks like.

You are right, you're not a very nice person to feel like that.

@CatherinedeBourgh

This thread is depressing.

Are people actually like this?

I genuinely have never wished harm on anyone in my life. Even people who have actually done serious damage to me.

The closest I’ve come is hoping Trump loses the election...and even that is not personal.

I'm the same.

And I really hate to see people behaving in a way that I consider bad or immoral and still getting ahead. I always want stuff to go badly for them. Like my old boss for example who was a nasty, arrogant person and now has just lost the whole company.

@CatherinedeBourgh

This thread is depressing.

Are people actually like this?

I genuinely have never wished harm on anyone in my life. Even people who have actually done serious damage to me.

The closest I’ve come is hoping Trump loses the election...and even that is not personal.

It's very common. Lots of people have intrusive thoughts which they would never act on, nor do they reflect the kind of person you are.

I am not a great person either. I don’t reply to messages for ages sometimes. I probably take my DH for granted. I do not have loads of empathy and sometimes I don’t respond to people in the right way. I find it hard to empathise with things that I haven’t experienced. I can be quite judgemental. I can’t imagine actually feeling happy about someone else’s failure or pain though. I guess we are all horrible in our own ways.