Page 6 | I'm not a very nice person

echt · 06/11/2020 00:58

While I haven't experienced what GrumpyHoonMain describes, I feel for her and am at the failure of imagination of a significant number of posters on this thread.

Thenose · 06/11/2020 01:02

There are two separate issues here. One is about intrusive thoughts, and the other is about experiencing pleasure due to the misfortune of others. They're two completely different things. The former can't tell us much at all about the character of a person, but the latter can. How can it not? I've never ever felt good about another's misfortune, even when I've really disliked them. I either feel sorry for them or, with those I really dislike, uncomfortable. I have to believe that I'm in the majority, because the alternative would be incredibly depressing.

JinpingShuffle · 06/11/2020 01:13

It's called schadenfruede (Germans have a word for everything!)

I think it's easy to slip into that kind of thinking if life has been hard on you. But it is callous and very unkind and unhealthy. You tend to get back what you give out in the world and what you have described is a very negative thought process and a depressing way to live which will not improve your state of mind or happiness. Other people will also pick up on it even if you think you hide it well.

My mother is a lot like this too; very bitter about her life and will find something negative in any positive news you share with her. If I won the lottery she'd tell me how money will make me miserable. 😂 She is a very unhappy lady. Revelling in other people's misfortune will not improve your life.

To me it sounds like you are rather unhappy. I'd suggest focusing your energy on understanding why that is and changing it. Externalising it will not help you in the long run, even if it provides temporary relief.

Staffy1 · 06/11/2020 01:16

Just read the first page, but surprised how many people think this is normal. I remember reading that the majority of people would try and sabotage their neighbours garden if it was better than theirs, which I found unbelievable, but not so sure now.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 06/11/2020 01:19

@Thenose me neither. It reminds me of something that happened years ago:

There was a guy in Uni with me who used to drive me nuts. We had to work together on projects and he was the most irritating person to work with ever. All my friends knew how het up I'd get with him. I was always giving out about him.

Fast forward a few years later and my friends were sooooo excited to tell me a story about this guy. Turns out his brother was in jail for stabbing someone the other side of the world and that actually his whole family life was miserable.

They thought I'd be delighted to hear this about him and were full of glee about it all. I felt a bit sick and very sad for him really. How they could take pleasure in that was disturbing.

Not friends with those girls anymore thankfully.

FlyNow · 06/11/2020 01:25

There are a few different things going on here.

Being happy about something that happened to a person you hate is pretty normal and understandable.

Being happy when something bad happens to a person you like is less understandable but common.

Then the third type is intrusive thoughts, a weird random thought that you don't enjoy having and you think "god why did I just think that?!".

ButteredGhost · 06/11/2020 01:26

I have this a lot, for me I think it's about being glad it's happened to someone else and not me. Which is obviously silly, it's not like there are a certain amount of, eg, car accidents, to go around, and if my friend gets in one I won't.

One thing is though, I would never let it slip.

When I realised other people felt this way, I cut back on telling others about bad things that happened to me!

ParlezVousWronglais · 06/11/2020 01:40

Yes Schadenfreude and lots of us have it to some extent. One of the darker sides of human nature but totally normal. You have to look at it in the context of how you are the rest of the time. A bit of schadenfreude doesn’t make you a bad person.

Monty27 · 06/11/2020 01:52

Blimey. Some people have such negativity. It's shocking 😳

echt · 06/11/2020 01:59

Blimey. Some people have such negativity. It's shocking

Which bit?

The ones being negative towards those who have been frank about the less-lovely aspects?

OR

Those who have owned their less-than lovely attributes?

nc1962 · 06/11/2020 02:00

I don't have this at all towards most people, but if it's someone who bullied me at school or has treated me horribly then if something bad happens to them then I do think pfttt haha serves you right you dickhead.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:07

That's made me laugh. All completely normal. I would say though that as I've got older and more satisfied with where I am in my own life (not happier as such) I've mellowed massively about stuff like this. I don't have any sort of jealousy about stuff like this anymore, I suppose I used to be quite competitive which is where it stemmed from. Now I just want people to do well.

If your friend was making snide comments about you not driving and then failed her own test that's hilarious. I think anyone would be smug about that one! If she was a lovely friend who had offered to give you lifts everywhere then I'm sure you'd feel differently. Karma's a killer.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:15

@echt

While I haven't experienced what GrumpyHoonMain describes, I feel for her and am

at the failure of imagination of a significant number of posters on this thread.

Completely agree

JinpingShuffle · 06/11/2020 03:17

It's not "completely normal". It is very unpleasant. Understandable of course as a momentary reaction if something bad happens to someone who has been abusive or utterly repellant in other ways. But this is absolutely not a normal way to react to bad news that friends or even acquaintances share. Why would anybody take pleasure in that? It is deeply callous and a sign of rot at the core of someone's personality.

Elsewyre · 06/11/2020 03:18

@Everly82

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

You take joy in people failings as it let's you feel superior because it's the only time you are.

You cant have the same feeling from achievement so you get it elsewhere.

freddosfrogs · 06/11/2020 03:23

I did my degree online as a single parent to three children after getting rid of an abusive ex who liked to tell me I was stupid. It gave me great satisfaction to get a higher classification than he did, especially as he did his degree with no commitments whereas I worked full time.

JinpingShuffle · 06/11/2020 03:23

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse in what way? I have read her posts and feel for her a lot. What she has been through is horrific. But hoping another woman loses her baby is terrible on any scale of objectivity. If someone is having such destructive and cruel intrusive thoughts then that's awful and hopefully they get support and treatment. But that does not make it ok or mean that we should in any way normalise cruel wishes like that and pretend they are ok. They are not. And the therapy to deal with those intrusive thoughts would make that very clear. People's mental health is so important, especially after trauma, but that does not mean for a second that we should pretend it is ok or normal to think things like that.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:25

@JinpingShuffle did you read the op's examples? Her friend who made nasty comments about her not being able to drive to drive failed her test. Her high school bully is fat. Her next door neighbour has a messy house. None of these things are a big deal, In fact they're trivial. But I would say it's totally normal to get some satisfaction out of these examples. It's totally different from being happy about a friend having a serious problem or an illness or losing their job. That's would be awful. But that's not what the OP has said.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:30

@JinpingShuffle in what way what? I said I agree with echt's comment that I feel for her and with being shocked at a failure to imagine how someone could feel that way in that situation. I'm not saying it was ok, I think it would be something it would have benefitted her to talk about with someone. Nobody could enjoy having those sorts of thoughts. But I can see how it could happen.

JinpingShuffle · 06/11/2020 03:32

[quote iftherewereahorseyinthehouse]@JinpingShuffle did you read the op's examples? Her friend who made nasty comments about her not being able to drive to drive failed her test. Her high school bully is fat. Her next door neighbour has a messy house. None of these things are a big deal, In fact they're trivial. But I would say it's totally normal to get some satisfaction out of these examples. It's totally different from being happy about a friend having a serious problem or an illness or losing their job. That's would be awful. But that's not what the OP has said.[/quote]
In my last post I was referring to the comments that it was ok for a poster to wish that another woman loses her baby. That is so messed up and wrong it is in no way within the definition of schadenfreude and I'm shocked posters were defending it.

Yes I read the OP's posts. I was abused as a child. I was bullied at school. I still find it callous to take that kind of please in other people's misfortune. It seems like the province of the bitter. Why at a later stage of life even think about it? I have no idea what happened to people I knew at school and why would I care? Get on with your own life. If the OP was happy with her life I am certain she would not be bitter and vindictive like this. She should focus on herself and improving her own situation and the bitterness will fade away. When you have a life you are happy with you don't spend time thinking such things.

Schadenfreude doesn't really cover what's come up in this thread in the end. It is more of a lighthearted "haha" when someone slips over on ice. Not a spiteful glee at genuine misfortune. I am saddened to hear that so many people are living such bitter and sad inner lives.

Blueberries0112 · 06/11/2020 03:33

Sounds normal

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:33

@JinpingShuffle I'm actually a bit put out by your comment as you seem to be replying to me as if I'd said it was ok to have thoughts about people losing their babies. And I've not said or implied that anywhere.

Youandmealwaysandforever · 06/11/2020 03:37

Yes you are horrible, why does other people hurting make you feel better?
Can't understand this at all.

Temporarything · 06/11/2020 03:38

We can’t always be Pollyanna. I except many people have these negative thoughts and wouldn’t admit to it but recognise it as an unpleasant aspect of their personality. I doubt it’s unusual.

Blueberries0112 · 06/11/2020 03:40

A lot of people do this rather they realized it or not. Like ex who was a jerk to you.