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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not a very nice person

450 replies

Everly82 · 05/11/2020 22:27

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

OP posts:

Onedropbeat · 05/11/2020 23:05

I get this about people who have been nasty to me but friend and family I could never be satisfied or gleeful at their misfortune

My exh on the other hand, if someone told me he was desolate and his knob had fallen off I’d be over the moon

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/11/2020 23:05

I have a relative who was downright horrible to my DC who have Autism...........as in if we were out together she wouldn't walk with us.

When I found out she'd gone on to have a child who also has Autism I did a little dance and that's horrible. It really is. But I imagine she's getting a taste of seeing just how nasty the world can be at times 💁🏻‍♀️

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/11/2020 23:05

@Generalconfusion

And I really hate to see people behaving in a way that I consider bad or immoral and still getting ahead. I always want stuff to go badly for them. Like my old boss for example who was a nasty, arrogant person and now has just lost the whole company.

Yep.

An ex boss of mine was/is like this. Sadly she seems to have gone from strength to strength. Nothinng would make me happier that to see her lose her business. Wouldnt affect her employees because she makes sure that none stay longer than a year so they have no rights.

Ideasplease322 · 05/11/2020 23:06

When negative equity was a big problem, I secretly loved hearing how much negative equity people were in.

I don’t know why, and it highlighted what a flawed person I am.

I think I like that knowing that everyone has their own shit, not just me.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 05/11/2020 23:07

You'd be surprised who can see through the thinly veiled veneer.

I am pretty sure I know people who think like this. I base it on little snippets of information they've shared over the years, how they look around them when they're in your house, you can see judgements being made. Or they might make comments about other people in passing. It's not nice.

I'm probably paranoid, but I don't give any negative information or moan about my lot to these kinds of people.

nauticant · 05/11/2020 23:07

This doesn't strike me as being that unusual OP, or even that terribly bad.

To me one of the worst things one can do is lie to oneself. Imagine actually being nasty to people and causing them harm while convincing yourself and others how you're such a decent sort.

OldCow1 · 05/11/2020 23:07

Dont beat yourself up. Feeling jealous is the most horrible feeling in the world. Most people have been there

dottiedaisee · 05/11/2020 23:10

Unless the person I am annoyed with really deserves it ,I actually still feel bad for them ....I definitely do not feel happy that someone else is unhappy ☹️

CorianderLord · 05/11/2020 23:13

Doesn't everyone? That momentary slip of happiness is just our inner lizard being competitive. Then you remember you're evolved and feel pleased for your loved one.

Slight envy is natural, especially if you're unhappy with your current situation. Just don't act on it.

There are only three non family members I never have this about and that's because I know they'd burn their own house down to help me out.

Fishpool · 05/11/2020 23:15

@CatherinedeBourgh not everyone.

It's so obvious when a 'friend' is dismissive of things that go well for you. It's so tangible and negative in my view.

I ditch and run when I notice this in a person. A mum I used to be friendly with on the school run talks enthusiastically about her darlings' achievements and extraordinary talents but when I tell her about a new job that's going well or seem happy in general she says nothing but makes this weird scoffing sound and changes the subject.

YABU.

CorianderLord · 05/11/2020 23:16

Should clarify I never feel happy about horrible things like death, illness, MH or anything very serious.

And it's not even really happiness - just a half moment of relief/release of envy maybe.

OhhCarolina · 05/11/2020 23:17

It's fine OP. You're merely a product of a late stage capitalist society. Just don't say anything out loud.

Gore Vidal summed it up:

It's not enough to succeed, it's important that others fail.'

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/11/2020 23:18

[quote 37weekswithno2]@GlummyMcGlummerson

The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Also I think you're probably in denial if you take pleasure in others misfortunes but still think you're a happy, confident person tbh. [/quote]
I'm really not. But thanks for thinking of me.

I love a good thread that brings out the pseudo-righteous

Wheresyourclapham · 05/11/2020 23:18

37weekswithno2
‘Are most people really like this? I think this thread has opened my eyes. Would most people really be pleased if their friend didn't get a house they wanted? Or happy that someone's house is a tip?‘

I’ve got a Mum friend who I met at our children's’ nursery several years ago. We had known each other for a few years before she visited us at our house after a pub lunch close to our house. I’d been to her house a couple of times over the years for both children and adult birthday celebrations. She was visibly and verbally upset that our house was clean and tidy. She also made snide comments about not everyone can have furniture from so-called shop. She did not ask where we had bought any of our furniture and I did not offer up any such information or even bring up furniture into our conversation. We’re still in touch via FB but our relationship dwindled after that. We’ve moved since and she definitely won’t be invited to our new house!

CorianderLord · 05/11/2020 23:18

Pleased or sad for your loved one* depending on whats changed. Wrote that sentence wrong.

Diavoloroquito · 05/11/2020 23:19

I’m the exactly the same. But I think it’s because my life is so shit. But there is a big difference between acting on your jealousy and pretending to be pleased. I would always congratulate people and wish them well. I’ve known many who will show their jealousy in a nasty way even though they have much better than me.

I believe many people are truly waiting for people’s downfall and not wanting good things to happen to them. Just because of they way I have seen people behave with me and others. As I said, I have never acted jealous to others. But inside I am

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 05/11/2020 23:19

There’s a lot of people like it. It’s the reason I have very few people that I trust. I understand being happy if someone who has done you wrong, has something bad happen to them but I think it’s awful if people are like this anyone else, especially those they apparently care about.
When my OH was facing possible redundancy, we had certain people phoning us every day to see if there was any update. They couldn’t contain their excitement. Fucking bastards. They were clearly disappointed when he didn’t lose his job and often we don’t hear from them if something goes well for us. They are just deeply unpleasant and I presume unhappy people. There’s no reason for them to be this way about us. When I was younger, I used to try to please these people thinking it must be me. Now I know they’re just arseholes.

At least you recognise you are doing it OP and it sounds like you maybe want to change as you say you are starting to dislike yourself.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 05/11/2020 23:21

It is indeed schadenfreude, however I take a different view to most posters here. I must admit I am hard pushed to think of a more unpleasant character trait in someone.

TheNestedIf · 05/11/2020 23:21

This has opened my eyes and depressed me a bit as well. I'm definitely guilty of envy but I have never wished ill on people just because they have the things I would like. I am glad for them. If someone has been horrible to me I'll will take any schadenfreude going. It doesn't have to be about the thing I'm envious of at all.

That said, OP, I don't think you're an irredeemable arsehole because you recognise you don't want to be this person.

Dongdingdong · 05/11/2020 23:22

During the worst of my fertility struggles I was really happy when family and close friends got pregnant but wishing miscarriages on anyone else. I would ignore pregnant colleagues. If I saw a pregnant stranger I would wish she lost the baby. It was really, really uncharacteristic stuff and only hurt me because I felt so guilty for these thoughts. They didn’t even go away when I eventually did fall pregnant or had a baby.

I’m not often lost for words but god, this is shocking.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/11/2020 23:22

@GrumpyHoonMain

@GrumpyHoonMain ignore the awful PP - this feeling is really common and completely understandable.

I remember bumping into a colleague and his wife in the street who were having struggles, DD was in her pram just a baby, his wife turned her back on me and wouldn't speak. I didn't blame her for one minute, I knew what they'd been through and I knew it wasn't about me. Pleased to report that a couple of months later she fell pregnant with their DD

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/11/2020 23:24

I genuinely have never wished harm on anyone in my life. Even people who have actually done serious damage to me

That doesn't, for one minute, make you a better person than anyone else. I'd think you rather a pushover actually - or maybe just someone who hasn't been through anything that traumatic.

I was raped as a child, i genuinely wish a slow and painful death on the man who raped me. If only I could be as kind as you are not sorry

AIMD · 05/11/2020 23:24

@GrumpyHoonMain agree with @GlummyMcGlummerson comments. Sounds like a fairly understandable feeling link to emotional pain of suffering fertility issues. They don’t sound like they were pretty thoughts but they’re understandable.

Dongdingdong · 05/11/2020 23:26

ignore the awful PP - this feeling is really common and completely understandable.

@GlummyMcGlummerson you think it’s “really common” to wish for a stranger to lose their baby? It really isn’t and if you genuinely think that it is then you need help.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 05/11/2020 23:27

I don’t think it’s about not being a pushover. It is reasonable, up to a point, to wish ill on those who have caused you harm, although I do think that can also be unhealthy and ultimately harmful for the one wishing ill on them, often while the individual they so hate is moving on with their life thank you very much.

But to secretly enjoy or wish suffering upon those who have done you no harm is sadistic and horrible. Fertility problems are immensely painful but are also not a free ticket for wishing harm upon other women’s babies.

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